My son is treated like an outsider by his own siblings and it's breaking my heart

[Marielouisee]

I honestly don't even know why I'm writing this. Maybe because I've kept it inside for so many years and I just need to let it out somewhere. I'm a mother of four kids. My oldest son is 20, my second son is 19, my daughter is 17 and my youngest son is 15. I love all four of them equally. There has never been a favorite. They all grew up in the same home with the same parents. My husband and I have always tried to give them love, support and everything we could. We weren't perfect parents but we genuinely tried our best. That's why this hurts so much because no matter what we've done over the years, nothing has changed.

My second son has had some health problems since he was little. He has never been seriously disabled or anything like that. He can take care of himself, he goes out on his own, he has hobbies, he has friends and he doesn't need someone looking after him all the time. He's just different from the other three. He's not as sharp, fast or energetic as they are and he has always had a weaker immune system. He would get sick more often and sometimes he needed more attention from us than the others did. As parents we couldn't just ignore that. If one of your children needs you more at certain times you naturally give them that extra care. We never loved him more than the others. We simply responded to what each child needed.

Because of his health there were times we had to cancel family vacations or trips at the last minute. We never felt right leaving one child behind while taking the other three. Looking back now I know those moments affected the others more than we realized. They missed out on some things because of it. But it wasn't like their childhood was full of disappointment. They still had birthday parties, holidays, sleepovers, school trips, sports, time with friends and special moments with us. We always tried to make sure every child had attention and opportunities. It just wasn't always possible to make everything perfect.

As they got older though, especially around sixteen or seventeen, something changed. The frustration they had toward us slowly became resentment toward their brother. Instead of blaming the situation they started blaming him. It was like in their minds he became the reason they had missed out on certain memories as kids. From that point things just kept getting worse. They stopped inviting him to things. If they planned to go somewhere together they left him out. If they were hanging out at home they acted like he wasn't there. They have a lot of the same friends because they're close in age but they rarely include him. Even their friends have started treating him like he's invisible because they follow the example my other kids set.

The hardest part for me isn't even the exclusion. It's hearing the words they say to him. More than once I've overheard them telling him they wish he had never been part of the family or that they don't want him around. Every time I hear something like that it feels like someone is ripping my heart apart. I look at my son and he never screams back or starts a fight. He just goes quiet. He smiles less than he used to. Sometimes he'll simply walk back to his room like he's already expecting it. Watching your own child slowly believe he doesn't belong in his own family is something I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Last week was another example that completely broke me. The other three bought tickets to a music concert together. My second son was excited because he likes the artist too. He asked if he could come with them. They had already bought tickets for themselves and never even considered buying one for him. They told him no and left without him. He didn't throw a tantrum or beg. He just said okay and went back to his room. I don't even think he expects to be included anymore. That acceptance hurts more than if he had cried.

The thing that makes this even harder is that he's genuinely such a sweet kid. He's gentle, kind and thoughtful. He has never been the child causing problems or getting into trouble. He's incredibly talented in his own way. He paints beautifully. Honestly some of his artwork amazes me. He has found a small group of friends through art classes and local galleries. He goes to exhibitions, talks to other artists and that's where I actually see him smile. Those people appreciate him for who he is. Sometimes I wonder if complete strangers understand my son better than his own siblings do.

My husband and I have spent years trying to fix this. We've had countless conversations with all of them. We've explained how hurtful their behavior is. We've asked them to imagine how they would feel if the roles were reversed. We've tried family time, one-on-one talks, setting rules and encouraging them to spend time together. We've cried in front of them.

I'm just so tired. I feel like I've failed all of my children somehow. I feel guilty toward my second son because he deserves siblings who love him and accept him. I also feel guilty toward my other three because maybe somewhere along the way they carried resentment that we didn't recognize soon enough. I keep replaying every parenting decision in my head wondering where we went wrong. Maybe we made mistakes. I'm sure we did. Every parent does. But I never imagined it would end with one of my children feeling like an outsider in the only family he's ever known.

I don't even know what I'm hoping to get from posting this. Maybe someone has been through something similar. Maybe someone has advice. Or maybe I just needed to tell someone because I've carried this pain for years and it feels unbearably lonely. I honestly pray no child ever has to wonder why their own brothers and sister don't want them around and I pray no mother ever has to stand there watching it happen while feeling completely powerless to stop it.

I disagree. It sounds like op has tolerated this for too long already, and she is aware of this. You actually sound like great parents op, and one of the siblings is def influencing the others to bully your second son.

You are right to enforce boundaries. Right to insist your son isn’t bulled in his own home or made fun of by their friends. It’s absolutely despicable. In your shoes I would do exactly the same, whilst also saying enough is enough.

Your son desperately needs support. Have you lined up counselling for him? Someone to talk to. Health issues and disability in childhood can be traumatic, even without the bullying.

Thank goodness he has you op. Poor scrap. I hope their collective conscience emerges. I was a horrible teen and grew out of it op, I hope they do too.

Your family needs professional intervention. Therapy. Counselling. Something. What you've done isn't working and you and your husband obviously need help.

You can't let your nineteen year old be bullied in his own home. The impact on himself esteem must be awful.

I'd be devastated if my children treated each other like this.

@toadinthewotsit

I had my oldest up against a wall eyeball to eyeball and very quietly asked him to repeat the vile abuse i had witnessed, he faltered, even called me a cunt, and refused, but eventually did repeat it. When I whispered what i would do to him if it ever happened again, his bravado faltered and he had tears of fear in his eyes. My point is that I put the fear of God into him, adult to adult.

How dare you post about abusing your own child on here, a site for mothers.

I had my oldest up against a wall eyeball to eyeball
When I whispered what i would do to him if it ever happened again,

You should be banned. You are actually boasting about your violence to your child.

I'm so sorry to hear about this. Without even knowing your son, I feel a sadness of how lonely he must be feeling when his siblings are excluding him.

You say that when his siblings say no to him, how he just quietly excepts it. That is so sad.
If my children did this to one of their siblings, I would be that childs voice and tell them 'How dare they speak to their sibling like that, what gives them the right to treat him like that.'
As the parent, I wouldn't allow this unfairness. You have to somehow step in and I think you should have done it before now. If at a younger age talking to them was having no effect than they should have been told off, about their behaviour being absolutely unacceptable.

I think your healthy children are being extremely selfish and ver unkind.
They should be grateful that they are healthy and not suffering. Each time you see this unfair behaviour you need to make sure your children are told off about how unkind they are being.
To be honest, I don't think anything I say will be helpful because it appears you have already tried.
I am just replying because this is very unfair on your child with the health problems.
Maybe, you could go with your son to places that he would enjoy going to. To make up for him being excluded by his siblings.
I also have a daughter with a health condition (colitis) but I do make sure the children treat each other fairly.
What you are describing in your post is very sad, I truly hope you find a solution.
My best wishes.

Some really nasty ignorant replies on here.
My sister has a severe disability, which disrupted her life and mine a lot growing up, far more than the OP's children's by the sound of it, and we lived with a single mum and were on a very low income. I missed out on some things, but I would never blame my sister or my mum for that and I wouldn't be without my sister for the world, she's my best friend and always will be.
Based on what the OP has said, her children had very fortunate childhoods: private school (which is a privilege only a tiny fraction of the population experience) and plenty of holidays and activities, which as they are a well off family from what OP says are likely to have been far more than the average child has even considering the ones that got cancelled. Their behaviour sounds cruel and selfish. OP says nothing about them having to act as carers for him and it doesn't sound like his illness would require that. I actually was and still am a carer for my sister and I would have never thought to behave that way and I hope if I didn't my mum would have given me short shrift.
But unfortunately in many ways our society encourages selfishness and also many people have a lot of unexamined bigotry towards people with disabilities or chronic illnesses. The idea of them or anyone ever having to miss out on any luxuries because of the needs of someone who they regard as so much lesser is horrifying to a lot of people, which is part of why you get a lot of these nasty and sometimes almost frantic furious comments when this kind of thing is discussed, and a lot of ignorant assumptions get made.
OP, if I were you I would at the very least put some conditions on the kind of behaviour and just basic courtesy that you expect from anyone living under your roof. Unfortunately I don't think you can force them to have a better relationship but you can at least do that. And perhaps encouraging your son to get into some hobbies or other things where he could hopefully meet some nice friends who he could spend time with and go to gigs and things with? Hopefully in time your other children will mature and become more considerate.

Yes, my adult son.

toadinthewotsit How do you not see the irony of decrying bullying and then boasting about threatening your child? The answer to bullying isn't more bullying!

I disagree, if I witness any adult bullying a child, I will step in, every single time.

DS2 is now a healthy 19 year old. The others have resentment about things that happened while he was growing up. Their mother is still talking about DS birth and it’s nearly 20 years later. His surgery was to fix his nose, he was not seriously ill. It sounds to me like the whole thing was blown out of proportion sonewhat.

I have a child with health issues inc a nut allergy. I am pragmatic about it, I take it seriously and take precautions. But I am not dramatic about it. I have to interact with other allergy parents & there is a level of hysteria that is wild to me. And I’m not saying the OP is that person but it isn’t always black & white, some people blow risk out of all perspective.

Oh toads in good company here, all the smug ”I’m sooo kind” posters salivating at the encouragement of op to cut off her teens and chuck them out of the family home.
as per pp, I believe these are posters who think themselves as poor maligned victims, and anyone who doesn’t worship them like they’ve had from their parents is evil incarnate!

It's a very difficult situation. My mother had a disability as a child which became severe as an adult. All but one of her five sisters resented her and had bitterness towards her. And she was a burden not because she wanted to be but because she just was. They still included her and my brother and I in everything though and never said anything to her face that I know of but the feelings were there and she knew it (and so did we).

I don't know what to suggest, just keep trying but maybe try to encourage some one on one time with whichever sibling he is closest to and there will be one of them. He is not part of the group but he might be able to gain entry via a side door, know what I mean?

Let some things go.

Does he have an ID, it sounds like it. Therefore probably teens might not want to take him to a concert etc.

Keep organising family time, holidays, movies.

Invest one on one in each child.

All your kids are good kids. It's just a super difficult dynamic where you have done the best you can. At some point it might be about radical acceptance.

And it’s okay to be cruel to him? To ostracise him?

So what if his birth occasionally comes up? My mother still talks about my brothers arrival as he nearly died, and he is 50! I understand it was traumatic for her. Would I wish him dead? Never, and I don’t even like him. It’s unspeakably cruel to target a sibling with a disability and make their life a living misery.

Absolutely. So nasty some of the replies.

I don’t know why everyone is being so harsh to you op. I don’t even have advice but I really feel for you, I would 100% be telling your other 3 kids how disappointed I was in their nasty behavior towards their brother and I wouldn’t be funding there lifestyle either. Heartbreaking to read.

OP, he is clearly your darling miracle boy and his siblings are indeed being absolute shits to him. He has had a difficult childhood and seems to be dealing well with it (by your account).

It can also be true, at the same time, that his siblings had a deeply unpleasant childhood and are (still) hurting and unhappy.

Imagine knowing your parents have a miracle child and it’s not you. Nothing you can ever do or say or achieve will matter as much to your parents as how your sibling nearly died when he was born. And now they spend all their money on activities and school for you, to keep you out their way so they can focus on the miracle boy. They got used to being a band of 3 siblings because the other brother couldn’t come with them, or they were sent off without him, or had to amuse themselves while you focused on him. And now when he is (sometimes?) well enough to join them, it’s too late. They’ve grown up as a 3 and he’s the one.

With 4 kids you always run the risk that they wish there’d been fewer of them. Their parents would have had more time for them as individuals. There wouldn’t have been a favourite (often kids disagree over who the favourite is/was). They wouldn’t have been arguments over who got driven where for when. Etc etc. This is almost certainly heightened when one of the four always needs more attention.

None of that has to be true from your perspective. And none of that is an excuse for rudeness or bullying in the house. You need some ground rules (make sure they’re for ALL of them. Is DS19 never rude to any of them? Never ever? What happens if he is?) to stop that happening.

But do try to think what it might have been like for your other children. They need to keep the house rules but it would also help if you understood their world a little.

Why are you saying “and”, as if it’s the next point from my posts. I never said it was.

He doesn’t have a disability nor did he ever. I think that point is quite important. He was inclined to bad does of respiratory illness which resulted in the end in a nose op.

If you read the OP’s posts her DS birth seems like a disproportion feature in their lives. “They all know that’s a part of his life story”. Childen do not understand birth, adults do. It isn’t fair or particularly to make DS birth very significant. He didn’t in fact die nor was he disabled. So don’t bring it up in family arguements.

I don’t think being dramatic helps anything.

Cannot believe I am reading supposed adults urging other adults to "devise a strategy to divide and conquer" their teenage/young adult children.

If you want to alienate 75% of your children for life then that's your choice but the revenge fantasies from some posters on here are extremely disturbing unbecoming.

I have 2, albeit much younger, children, one of whom has the slower processing/movements and has had the hospital stays like your second born, and the other is very healthy, socially and academically gifted. Have you had your son tested for chromosomal differences or was he premature? As it sounds possible that he has something underlying that ties it all together. Hindsight is great but not particularly helpful to you now so I don't want to put too much on what I do now to encourage my children to have a healthy relationship, but I'm careful to ensure my child who needs more support isn't the only one who receives support, that both receive one-on-one time, and separate play dates as well as play dates together, and I avoided booking holidays abroad until my child with low immunity was well enough for me to be sure I wouldn't be cancelling (UK holidays were with a local hospital location sourced, and when my child was ill during non term time, one parent was with each child). My other child is not made aware of the reasons behind these decisions. I do think unfortunately your children's public school education has set them up to want to be among "people like us" and they don't see their sibling as an equal achiever. I had a group of public school friends, one of whom mentioned their sibling with additional needs only once, explaining that child was put in a care home, which shocked me but resonated with the attitude that particular group had. I wouldn't be providing any money for concerts or even allowing any friends over if any of my children were speaking to the other as yours do to your second child. If I read correctly, your youngest is 15. Time for all of them to have a Saturday shop job and learn how to serve and respect others. However, I would also be aware that not everything is always the full picture. It's possible your second born isn't pleasant to be around, whether deliberately or otherwise, but that as a parent, you don't see it. What we see is a snippet of the interactions when we happen to be paying full attention. It's great that your second born has his own friends and I'd being encouraging that. If you are going to implement rules (get a job of some sort if you want to have money, you can't have friends over if they are rude to any member of this household, privileges are earned and taken away if you show disrespect towards anyone), make sure you implement them and police them for all four of your children, so it's clear all are treated equally.

I’m not one of said posters but I don’t fully disagree with some divide & conquer but not in a vengeful way. I think it’s important to see the 3 as individuals with their own perspective and to figure out if there is a child who feels more strongly than the others. Speaking more with that child may help diffuse the situation.

I think it’s important also for DS2 to be supported and for OP and DH to encourage him to be independent. Because if this isn’t resolved he will need that.

You can’t just expect all siblings to get on and stick together. Mine children get on great now but not when they were teenagers/ young adults. They usually went out with their friends.
Sorry but the way you expect your other children to include your 19 year old is just not realistic. I are fairly sure he is your favourite.

what pile up? Maybe the majority believes the OP is not in the right here. Instead of being horrified, maybe take 2mn to wonder why that is, and if maybe people might have a point?

This is so unkind, are you projecting from your own life here ? You don’t know the OP.

Would you consider family therapy, is it something you could afford or mediation?

I think you are missing some of the things that the op doesn't say which I would have expected if you were right.

The op states that the son isn't disabled and leads a normal life. But isn't as sharp or energetic...the only issues she describes him having is a lower immune system and a issue with his nose/breathing which has been fixed. BUT in her second post she admitted 'many' things were cancelled at the last minute.

So we have a child unfortunately susceptible to illness but that is hardly unusual. Given how she talks about the traumatic birth and his near death was then, if that had been repeatedly the case or if he was often hospitalised she definitely would have said so...he wasn't.

So imagine your 10. You're promised a treat to go to the zoo. And your older brother gets a cold so it's cancelled. Last month it was the day out in London. Before that it was Alton Towers. Yes you do get birthday parties and sleepovers, but the big events seem to be cancelled regularly.

And why? Is it because the parents are over protective of him? Probably they are. What about when you're ill with a cold, you're sent to school, but your brother stayed at home with his...which he gave to you.

I really get the view that the parents were over protective, prioritised one kid over the others...many things being cancelled sounds a bloody crap way to grow up in my opinion. The fact that is not really addressed by the op is why didn't one of them take the other 3 on those days...she is completely defensive right from the first post "what parents would..."

The way the parents have guilt tripped the kids over the years too is dreadful....there is no mention of what they have said to justify their behaviour, in fact the question was glossed over with "don't you think we've asked?". But the actual answers not given.

Now the kids haven't been nice to their brother. None of this is his fault. It rests squarely with the parents.

Sorry, but canceling a holiday that the kids have been looking forward to and staying at home with no alternative just moments before going is an arsehole move. That isn’t a case of ‘we’re not having pizza for tea anymore’.