My son is treated like an outsider by his own siblings and it's breaking my heart

[Marielouisee]

I honestly don't even know why I'm writing this. Maybe because I've kept it inside for so many years and I just need to let it out somewhere. I'm a mother of four kids. My oldest son is 20, my second son is 19, my daughter is 17 and my youngest son is 15. I love all four of them equally. There has never been a favorite. They all grew up in the same home with the same parents. My husband and I have always tried to give them love, support and everything we could. We weren't perfect parents but we genuinely tried our best. That's why this hurts so much because no matter what we've done over the years, nothing has changed.

My second son has had some health problems since he was little. He has never been seriously disabled or anything like that. He can take care of himself, he goes out on his own, he has hobbies, he has friends and he doesn't need someone looking after him all the time. He's just different from the other three. He's not as sharp, fast or energetic as they are and he has always had a weaker immune system. He would get sick more often and sometimes he needed more attention from us than the others did. As parents we couldn't just ignore that. If one of your children needs you more at certain times you naturally give them that extra care. We never loved him more than the others. We simply responded to what each child needed.

Because of his health there were times we had to cancel family vacations or trips at the last minute. We never felt right leaving one child behind while taking the other three. Looking back now I know those moments affected the others more than we realized. They missed out on some things because of it. But it wasn't like their childhood was full of disappointment. They still had birthday parties, holidays, sleepovers, school trips, sports, time with friends and special moments with us. We always tried to make sure every child had attention and opportunities. It just wasn't always possible to make everything perfect.

As they got older though, especially around sixteen or seventeen, something changed. The frustration they had toward us slowly became resentment toward their brother. Instead of blaming the situation they started blaming him. It was like in their minds he became the reason they had missed out on certain memories as kids. From that point things just kept getting worse. They stopped inviting him to things. If they planned to go somewhere together they left him out. If they were hanging out at home they acted like he wasn't there. They have a lot of the same friends because they're close in age but they rarely include him. Even their friends have started treating him like he's invisible because they follow the example my other kids set.

The hardest part for me isn't even the exclusion. It's hearing the words they say to him. More than once I've overheard them telling him they wish he had never been part of the family or that they don't want him around. Every time I hear something like that it feels like someone is ripping my heart apart. I look at my son and he never screams back or starts a fight. He just goes quiet. He smiles less than he used to. Sometimes he'll simply walk back to his room like he's already expecting it. Watching your own child slowly believe he doesn't belong in his own family is something I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Last week was another example that completely broke me. The other three bought tickets to a music concert together. My second son was excited because he likes the artist too. He asked if he could come with them. They had already bought tickets for themselves and never even considered buying one for him. They told him no and left without him. He didn't throw a tantrum or beg. He just said okay and went back to his room. I don't even think he expects to be included anymore. That acceptance hurts more than if he had cried.

The thing that makes this even harder is that he's genuinely such a sweet kid. He's gentle, kind and thoughtful. He has never been the child causing problems or getting into trouble. He's incredibly talented in his own way. He paints beautifully. Honestly some of his artwork amazes me. He has found a small group of friends through art classes and local galleries. He goes to exhibitions, talks to other artists and that's where I actually see him smile. Those people appreciate him for who he is. Sometimes I wonder if complete strangers understand my son better than his own siblings do.

My husband and I have spent years trying to fix this. We've had countless conversations with all of them. We've explained how hurtful their behavior is. We've asked them to imagine how they would feel if the roles were reversed. We've tried family time, one-on-one talks, setting rules and encouraging them to spend time together. We've cried in front of them.

I'm just so tired. I feel like I've failed all of my children somehow. I feel guilty toward my second son because he deserves siblings who love him and accept him. I also feel guilty toward my other three because maybe somewhere along the way they carried resentment that we didn't recognize soon enough. I keep replaying every parenting decision in my head wondering where we went wrong. Maybe we made mistakes. I'm sure we did. Every parent does. But I never imagined it would end with one of my children feeling like an outsider in the only family he's ever known.

I don't even know what I'm hoping to get from posting this. Maybe someone has been through something similar. Maybe someone has advice. Or maybe I just needed to tell someone because I've carried this pain for years and it feels unbearably lonely. I honestly pray no child ever has to wonder why their own brothers and sister don't want them around and I pray no mother ever has to stand there watching it happen while feeling completely powerless to stop it.

Op wrote that the 19 year old is not disabled, is currently studying, is independent and goes out with his friends, has his own friendship group and activities

Most of this seems to be tied up with OP's trauma that he was very ill at birth and the other children not appreciating her feelings that she might have lost him (which in my experience teenage siblings don't understand)

I also think it wasn’t just the trips. It was the whole thing. He was a child prone to bad respiratory illnesses. And he didn’t have the same energy or ability which is probably more of an issue.
But it does sound like there was a lack of perspective and was almost treated like a disabled child when he wasn’t.

Oh op, I'm so sorry, this sounds terrible sad situation. What you are describing sounds very much like my middle Dsis, she was very poorly from birth and was never a healthy child or adult, but we were/ are as siblings incredibly protective of her. I cant ever imagine feeling resentful. I mean we didn't have much growing up, so holidays weren't really cancelled ( we didn't have many). She did and still does have a lot of my mums attention, but that is fine, my Dsis doesn't want to be sick, and just because someone needs more help than others doesn't mean they are not worth helping.

But the siblings unkindness seems so odd. It might be like you said that they had a nice upbringing and private schooling may not have brought out the kindness in them ( just speculating) and another poster mentioned they may have bonded over bullying, is there a ring leader in the bullying? Your youngest is quite young to be so involved in this behavior already.

Can you speak to a family psychologist by yourself and see if they can help you manage the situation?

You really don't understand, do you?

All your children will see - rightly - is you again favouring, coddling and choosing their brother and his feelings over theirs.

Listen to what everyone else here is saying, before 3 of your children end up going NC with you.

OP says that he isn't disabled and is currently studying - she says he attends art events independently with his friends and has his own friendship group - so I would think he could arrange concert tickets. However OP says the others can't leave him out of their plans - not even now he's an adult.

He’s 19. You’re still acting likes he’s a 5 year old boy in the way you talk about him and how others should accommodate him. I’m sorry this is so upsetting to you, I’d be upset too as it’s hard to hear those things BUT ALL 3 of your children are saying the same things and acting the same way. That’s pretty telling if you care enough to untangle it all. The fact that their friends are also having similar reactions is interesting too. It’s not acceptable and you can control that element by not allowing them in your house. Thing is, you can’t make them include him or it will lead to more resentment which is already the issue! They are frustrated and telling you that through their actions. You admit yourself that you underestimated how your behaviour impacted on them when they were younger. You initially said it was cancelling a few things but a later post became ‘many’ so it could be that they have a different understanding and memory of childhood. You can’t shout or cry your way to acquiesce. They don’t have to include him. It’s mean but not unreasonable really - maybe they don’t want to go with him in case he gets unwell or they have to shift their behaviour to ensure he’s ok the whole time. It’s dynamic changing and maybe it’s ok that they have their time together

My youngest had a health condition which meant lots of hospital visits. We cancelled many things because of it. Luckily her sister didn’t resent her and her health has greatly improved. However all of her friends stopped including her in anything, even though she hasn’t needed medical intervention in 2 years. I understand that she’s probably let them down a lot at one stage and they couldn’t be bothered with it anymore. I guess your children don’t feel close to him and don’t want to be made to feel bad if he’s too ill to go? I suppose the only way to resolve it would be to buy tickets to things for all of them and see if it brings them together. I do feel sorry for your son because it’s not his fault. I’d encourage him to join a sport or group to make his own separate group of friends.

She said that he has never been "seriously disabled." She goes on to say "He can take care of himself, he goes out on his own, he has hobbies, he has friends and he doesn't need someone looking after him all the time."

I'm puzzled as to why she would say that he doesn't need to be looked after all the time. To me this suggests that there are some care needs. I suppose that the other possibility is that the OP is simply over protective of her 19 yr old adult son.

ETA I do see that she later say that he's never been disabled, but the earlier post does does suggest he has some difficulties.

There, nailed it.

why are you watching this happen? Just get the other kids together and give them a piece of your mind? they sound horrible

You cannot tell your 17 and 15 year olds that they need to find somewhere else to live; surely you know that? What you can do is give consequences for unacceptable behaviour towards their brother and not allow any friends of theirs who are rude to your other son in the house.

The 20 year old, however, can absolutely be told that, unless his attitude changes immediately, he needs to find somewhere else to live.

You can't force your other three children to be close to their brother, but you can absolutely enforce consequences for bullying.

I think this is the not a case of Munchousen(sp) by proxy per say, but a case of Billy's got a cold. Here's some tissues go to school. Tommy's got a cold. Ok go to bed I'll bring up some soup. We'll make a doctors appointment.

Telling Tommy that he was a sickly baby, Telling him that when he gets ill its worse than "normal " people. Telling the other kids that. Will mean that Tommy will think he's sicker than he is and the other kids will feel when they are ill, they are never ill enough.

There is a huge element of babying of the ill child that becomes apparent as you re read. Hes not as robust or sharp..
he didn't have a tantrum (which could be read that he's had them in the past).

Also the op doesn't consider at all it was her and her husbands behaviour that may have contributed.
The other kids went to private schools and that ruined their outlook . Its their friends. They are spoilt...

My mother has told both of her birth stories hundreds if not thousands of times. I was 3 weeks premature & in an incubator and you’d think I was born at 23 weeks sometimes.

My sister is allergic to nuts but hasn’t had a severe reaction in 40 years nor any reaction in about 25. My sister loves chocolate and when we only had fruit &
nut she’d pick the nuts out. So she isn’t severely allergic. But my mother still talks about it regularly.

I don’t think she does it out of badness but some people have difficulty keeping things in proportion.

Dial all this emotion down. Your older adult children should know better and go off living their lives and stop running to and fro, buying tickets and what not.

If I was you, I would just be practical, give a lot of love to my ostracised son and see how the others feel, for a better choice of another word.

At 16.57 she wrote that he's never been disabled and lives a normal life
He's never been disabled or unable to live a normal life. He's independent, he studies, he goes out with his friends, and he has his own interests.

Yes, and this contradicts her earlier post.

Not sure what you mean exactly - the DS that OP wants included in everything is one of the older adult children - the 19 year old

From OP's later posts it appears he has his own interests and friends but for some reason his siblings are simply not allowed to leave him out of any social plans. OP wrote at 16.57
He's never been disabled or unable to live a normal life. He's independent, he studies, he goes out with his friends, and he has his own interests.

I know

If OP is genuine it appears this is grounded in her unresolved trauma around his difficult birth and her resolution during his childhood that he should never miss out on anything even if it meant his siblings missing out.

Popped back a day later to see that, yep, OP is still in total denial, urged on by clueless twerps, and the thread going exactly as I said it would. Get off Mumsnet and get yourself into counselling OP, or your kids are going to shun you and your favourite son.

You've caused this. Trying to coercively manipulate them further won't work. Time for a new strategy. Ciao.

OP I've just speedread the thread - it's shockingly judgy, mn seems to be having a bad day. I hope I've overlooked some more sympathetic responses.

It sounds to me like you did your best in a difficult situation and none of us can judge whether you're 'nagging' the other siblings too much or 'babying' the 19 year old or what, or whether you should or could have made different decisions about past holidays. Sorry you're getting such a hard time here.

At any rate, you can't change the dynamic much at the moment. I'd speak up if they're actively rude to their brother in your earshot, not to start an argument or try to change their minds, but just to say that that's no way to talk. But trying to 'talk them round' just won't work at those ages.

But other than that, I think you probably have to let this play out and hope that things improve when they aren't in each others' pockets any more. There's no guarantee of that, of course.

It does sound heartbreaking, but then you've managed to bring your unwell child up to be independent, in education and with an active social life. Hats off for that.

Thing is if you haven't been there it's hard to understand how much effect it has on you.

Dm was telling me last week ( again) how terribly ill with chicken pox my sibling was - 30 years ago now. They had it at uni and was so ill that dm had to drive through the night to pick them up.... and had clearly been suffering so badly because they picked up as soon as dm came and was fine. They had so many spots, there were six on their face. Terribly ill they were.

She doesn't know how ill I was with chicken pox because I too had it at uni, and when I phoned up to say the first thing she said was "you can't come home because your sibling hasn't had it".
She doesn't know that the college nurse was calling in to my room three times a day because she was worried, and fetched the doctor to see me in the middle if the night at the worst, who said if I wasn't better by morning I needed to go to hospital to be monitored closely.
She knew I was in a room on my own in halls but she knew I'd be fine because "I'd be able find people to help if I needed".
Before mobile phones this wasn't possible easily, especially as my room was tucked away.
I then got glandular fever on the back of that and spent most of a term hardly able to get out of bed. She doesn't know that either because I didn't bother telling her.

No, it wasn't that sibling got loads of illnesses or was particularly ill with illnesses, in fact they were hardly ever ill. I knew dm loved me - but I also knew where her priority was. If it was a case of my comfort or upsetting sibling, my comfort wasn't considered important enough if they might be upset.
I don't think she would understand now if I tried to explain. She'd just tell me how much worse my sibling had it and I had friends to look after me.
If I pushed it she'd sigh and say " well maybe we should have picked you up". But that's not the point. The point is her first reaction was we can't pick you up; her first reaction with sibling was to get in the car. It was a shorter journey for me.

Another time I won quite a prestigious prize which was to be presented one evening- I wasn't allowed to go because sibling wouldn't be left ( they were 14yo, dad would have been home within the hour or grandparents could have come round and, no, they weren't ill) Dm would say I didn't mind when she explained how hard it would be for them to be left at home when I was having a nice evening... that's because I didn't bother saying how upset I was because it would have been turned round into how selfish I was being.

It isn't just a case of occasionally not getting to do sonething, it's the constant drip of not being important, that still effects me today.

And actually my sibling has turned out to be quite a decent person in the end and I get on quite well with them. But not until we'd both left home and had some separation between us - and they realised how much they had manipulated the situation to their advantage - yes they would admit that now. I don't think dm would.

I agree. The three unkind siblings ara a bunch of overprivileged little shits, if this is real. I really hope this is an AI hoax!

Who is giving the teens money??? I’d never ever allow them a penny if they behaved like this.
I would have one final chat with them - united with your husband - and make it crystal clear that you will not tolerate this behaviour; and mean it. I would listen to what they say and I would apologise for any resentment they feel. Then I would say ‘we are drawing a line today. The past is past and we are all moving on from now.’ Make it very clear this ends today & the next time this happens; and if you don’t all begin making an effort to be kinder, there will be zero perks. And I would make big threats involving long term losses for them. And id mean it.

if this carries on, I would probably leave them less money in my will tbh. It serves them right. And I would write them a letter explaining exactly why. They have caused it themselves.
They’d have no money for concert tickets thats for sure and I would come down incredibly hard on them.

Your kids sound very spoilt. No parent is perfect and you don’t have to apologise for not being perfect!!!! They are clearly far from perfect. You could also tell them you had four children because you wanted a lovely close family; and they have let you down by this behaviour- they’re old enough to hear it imo. How would each of them feel if the others cut them off and bullied them? Not good I suspect. The brother may also cut them off out of choice - as is his right when older!

I might attempt some family counselling if you think that may help but I’d make it crystal clear all of this is their fault, caused by their spoilt and nasty behaviour; not their brothers’ differences or his existence.

So does the brother invite his 3 siblings when he goes out with his friends?

Who has bullied a child??

It's not that people think it is ok, what is not ok is believing you can control the behaviour between siblings- you can't, these siblings clearly have much deep issues than the OP is owning up to- all they can do is stand back and hope they sort themselves out.
Posters screaming about bullying is not helpful- anyone who has ever been in a family has seen bullying at work, it happens between siblings and between parents and children and between parents . Unfortunately bullying is a normal part of human relationships, so making itr seem extreme and extraordinary is ridiculous.I would also say the worst bullying in this scenario is the OP and her partner trying to force 2 adults and 17 and 15 year old siblings to be nice to each other as if they were all toddlers- people of this age are capable of, and need to, direct their own relationships within the family, without being bullied about their behaviour. Also their is clearly far more resentment in this family issuing from the parents behaviour than the OP is owning up to.