My son is treated like an outsider by his own siblings and it's breaking my heart

[Marielouisee]

I honestly don't even know why I'm writing this. Maybe because I've kept it inside for so many years and I just need to let it out somewhere. I'm a mother of four kids. My oldest son is 20, my second son is 19, my daughter is 17 and my youngest son is 15. I love all four of them equally. There has never been a favorite. They all grew up in the same home with the same parents. My husband and I have always tried to give them love, support and everything we could. We weren't perfect parents but we genuinely tried our best. That's why this hurts so much because no matter what we've done over the years, nothing has changed.

My second son has had some health problems since he was little. He has never been seriously disabled or anything like that. He can take care of himself, he goes out on his own, he has hobbies, he has friends and he doesn't need someone looking after him all the time. He's just different from the other three. He's not as sharp, fast or energetic as they are and he has always had a weaker immune system. He would get sick more often and sometimes he needed more attention from us than the others did. As parents we couldn't just ignore that. If one of your children needs you more at certain times you naturally give them that extra care. We never loved him more than the others. We simply responded to what each child needed.

Because of his health there were times we had to cancel family vacations or trips at the last minute. We never felt right leaving one child behind while taking the other three. Looking back now I know those moments affected the others more than we realized. They missed out on some things because of it. But it wasn't like their childhood was full of disappointment. They still had birthday parties, holidays, sleepovers, school trips, sports, time with friends and special moments with us. We always tried to make sure every child had attention and opportunities. It just wasn't always possible to make everything perfect.

As they got older though, especially around sixteen or seventeen, something changed. The frustration they had toward us slowly became resentment toward their brother. Instead of blaming the situation they started blaming him. It was like in their minds he became the reason they had missed out on certain memories as kids. From that point things just kept getting worse. They stopped inviting him to things. If they planned to go somewhere together they left him out. If they were hanging out at home they acted like he wasn't there. They have a lot of the same friends because they're close in age but they rarely include him. Even their friends have started treating him like he's invisible because they follow the example my other kids set.

The hardest part for me isn't even the exclusion. It's hearing the words they say to him. More than once I've overheard them telling him they wish he had never been part of the family or that they don't want him around. Every time I hear something like that it feels like someone is ripping my heart apart. I look at my son and he never screams back or starts a fight. He just goes quiet. He smiles less than he used to. Sometimes he'll simply walk back to his room like he's already expecting it. Watching your own child slowly believe he doesn't belong in his own family is something I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Last week was another example that completely broke me. The other three bought tickets to a music concert together. My second son was excited because he likes the artist too. He asked if he could come with them. They had already bought tickets for themselves and never even considered buying one for him. They told him no and left without him. He didn't throw a tantrum or beg. He just said okay and went back to his room. I don't even think he expects to be included anymore. That acceptance hurts more than if he had cried.

The thing that makes this even harder is that he's genuinely such a sweet kid. He's gentle, kind and thoughtful. He has never been the child causing problems or getting into trouble. He's incredibly talented in his own way. He paints beautifully. Honestly some of his artwork amazes me. He has found a small group of friends through art classes and local galleries. He goes to exhibitions, talks to other artists and that's where I actually see him smile. Those people appreciate him for who he is. Sometimes I wonder if complete strangers understand my son better than his own siblings do.

My husband and I have spent years trying to fix this. We've had countless conversations with all of them. We've explained how hurtful their behavior is. We've asked them to imagine how they would feel if the roles were reversed. We've tried family time, one-on-one talks, setting rules and encouraging them to spend time together. We've cried in front of them.

I'm just so tired. I feel like I've failed all of my children somehow. I feel guilty toward my second son because he deserves siblings who love him and accept him. I also feel guilty toward my other three because maybe somewhere along the way they carried resentment that we didn't recognize soon enough. I keep replaying every parenting decision in my head wondering where we went wrong. Maybe we made mistakes. I'm sure we did. Every parent does. But I never imagined it would end with one of my children feeling like an outsider in the only family he's ever known.

I don't even know what I'm hoping to get from posting this. Maybe someone has been through something similar. Maybe someone has advice. Or maybe I just needed to tell someone because I've carried this pain for years and it feels unbearably lonely. I honestly pray no child ever has to wonder why their own brothers and sister don't want them around and I pray no mother ever has to stand there watching it happen while feeling completely powerless to stop it.

They still had a wonderful childhood, you only have to read about it. They worked around his health. What kind of person punishes another for being ill? Where is their empathy and compassion? Loyalty or love?

They have joined up as a pack and bonded over the bullying. Op is going to have work very hard with each of them individually to stamp this out. Family counselling maybe advisable, so the other siblings understand the terrible damage being done to this poor boy.

It sounds like you’ve been forcing them to be friends as if they’re all should be best buddies but actually they are naturally different people. You compare your son as lesser than the others and try to force him into their activities and relationships. So, he’s not as quick or strong but they have to include him in their games and slow them down and make it less fun. They’re looking forward to going on holiday but then it’s cancelled because of their brother. No wonder they think he’s a drag.

Your second son is different and it’s ok that he’s not tight with his siblings. But you don’t seem to see that and want him to be included all the time, even though by trying to force that you’re damaging their relationship further. He’s not a charity case. Stop asking his siblings for their charity, and stop asking for charity on his behalf. Let him be, let him be his own person. Have a relationship with him that is about HIM rather than about who he is in comparison to his siblings.

if you back off and let your son be different and find confidence in himself you may find in time that they find a different and kinder dynamic between them.

I do think though that you need to tell them not to say or do actively unkind things under your roof, and that a basic level of consideration and respect is non negotiable. But apart from that, stop interfering, leave them to it, and stop with the constantly comparing him to them and shoehorning him into their lives.

@Marielouisee What do siblings tell you when you ask them why they behave like this? Do they all give the same reasons?

Some appalling, selfish posts on this thread. Social ostracisation is very damaging. What the siblings are doing is bullying, and cruel. I'd only hope that they'll mature out of it.

Who says they had a wonderful childhood?

I mean in general we understand that bullies normally had shitty home life’s.

They may of had money but the parents where not there for them. For 3 out of four child to turn against you fucked up as the parents.

Constant cancelled plans. A golden child on a pedestal.

3 out of 4 children are not wrong.

One is fine you but when three of them feel the same the parents fucked up hugely.

Where’s your compassion? What makes you so sure they had a wonderful childhood with their favoured (still) sibling and didn’t feel marginalised, ignored, discarded, unimportant?

Agree!

And whilst the OP has only mentioned holiday plans, I’ll bet the 3 kids will say “no, it was endemic. I had to wait at home whilst mum ferried our brother. Dad had to assist brother whilst I needed him when I felt poorly. I felt like I didn’t matter at small moments in everyday life”

Christ! If OP is still nearly two decades later harrowingly recalling the birth of that child as a miracle (and I don’t doubt for her it was and it’s awful), but I’d imagine the 3 kids have heard similar all their lives

My 14 Yr old son who is on the spectrum, has never had a friendship group. He's not got one friend. Hes tryed the clubs etc and does not like it. I feel helpless. I know what's it like as I was the same at that age and younger. I'm so stressed and worried about him

Where did you get they had a "wonderful childhood"?

Their relationship now screams anything BUT wonderful.

If your child was bullying another child at school, would you not try all these, and even stronger, tactics? Or would you just think 'I can't possibly upset my poor child in any way?'

They are being really cruel and horrible to their brother. Having a 'talking to' when you behave really badly is completely normal parenting.

If OP was guilt tripping it's because they SHOULD feel guilty!

Nothing OP has said has even hinted at parentification. I don't know if you've got your own issues but you've completely made up whole scenarios in your head with absolutely no evidence.

They are allowed to not to want to spend time with their brother if they don't want to, although most people would agree that doing multiple things as 3 out of 4 siblings, rather than just 2 out of 4, or going with their friends, is unnecessarily exclusive. But refusing to speak to someone in their own home is horrible, bitchy bullying. Telling someone they wished they were never born/part of their family is disgusting. Blaming someone for something they can't help is dick behaviour.

They might have reason to feel resentful for missing out in their childhoods. We don't know the whole details. It's equally possible they are just being dramatic and their childhoods were wonderful with the very odd occasional disappointment. But many children have some childhood issues. Siblings with very disabled siblings or even parents would have suffered far more. Even if they did have cause to feel anger, at best it should be OP and their father they blame for the way they handled the situation, not their brother who had absolutely no control over the situation and, I'm sure, would have much preferred to be healthy like them.

Most people would be glad they had their own health, not moan about the very few things that weren't ideal in their childhoods (who has a completely perfect childhood anyway?)

They sound horrible, nasty and selfish and a 'conversation' trying to explain this to them is the least they should expect.

A poorly child that is slower than the rest is hardly a bloody golden child!!! He was too ill to join in and stayed with his grandparents. Honestly I can’t believe pp are condoning such cruelty. The poor poor boy is at real risk
under such attack in his own home. It’s totally f* up!!

Private schools are built on the ethos of getting ahead of others by unfair advantage, a system which excludes 93% or the population, and you expect empathetic, inclusive pdople out of the other end??

And it’s never going to get better as long as OP continues to indulge in us vs them dynamics, and refuses to accept any viewpoint that isn’t most favorable to herself and her son.

Clearly she doesn’t condone it, but that’s hardly helped, has it? She cannot make them love their brother or want a normal sibling relationship/relationship at all with him. That ship has likely long since sailed. She may not ever repair the damage done, but she can at least try not to make it worse. For all of them.

OP - when you said you’ve apologized to them for things that happened in your childhood, did you ever acknowledge that you were wrong in these conversations, or were your apologies along the lines of “I’m sorry you were upset about it, but I did the right thing”?

Shaming the other three for not including him will only increase the resentment and widen the gap between you and them. You will not “fix” this by trying to force them to behave differently.

It would be better to support your son in finding his own friendship group and not be dependent on his siblings.

And perhaps actually listen to your other children and acknowledge that their feelings of resentment are valid and very real to them, even if you can’t see it. All behaviour is communication.

I say this as someone who was an older sibling expected to get on with things while my mother was focused on the needs of younger ones. She would never acknowledge or accept this and we have a very distant relationship now as a result.

I don’t suppose this is helping you very much op.

Your children may well have been inconvenienced by their sibling’s poor health, there is literally nothing you can do about it - you have no choice but to support a sick child, they haven’t got anyone else to look after them. You must have felt very torn much of the time - and must not feel guilty for being unable to cut yourself in two.

Your dc are teens and they can be very cruel, and it needs to stop today.

I have known children in your son’s position to feel suicidal with bullying at home. Have you checked on your son’s mental health? Asked him safe guarding questions? It is an awful position to be in. There is no safe space for him.

You can be very firm about the bullying but outside of that - take your dc out individually for time with you. Make time for them individually. Reinforce how much you care and notice their interests etc (I’m sure you do this anyway)

This is the most horrific pile on i've ever read on mumsnet! Absolutely rank.

Im sorry it's so tough OP teenagers can be dicks x

I wonder whether the 19 yr old would have been capable of organising a ticket to the concert for himself? Would he have been able to attend on his own or with some of his friends? He's the OP's child, but is now actually an adult.

What I'm trying to understand is whether the siblings would have had to act as his carers in unfamiliar surroundings. If so, it would have been kind of them to do so, but I'm wondering whether they've been expected to be their brother's carer in the past and have simply had enough.

I know that they OP has said that he can normally manage by himself, but are his younger siblings constantly being expected to look after him?

It wouldn't excuse unkindness, but it might explain their attitude. I know that in state schools, children in the same situation as the 19 yr old's siblings often have access to Young Carer groups, in order to give them time without caring responsibilities.

I do wonder at the OP's other children just going ahead and organising tickets to the concert together and missing out one sibling. I'm wondering whether it's because they're always being expected to include him and never being allowed the chance just to be young people in their own right. We'd really need to hear their side of the story.

We just don't have enough information here. Are the 19 and 20 yr old not working or in education? Are they both living off their parents?

I have a friend who has a grandchild with a chromosomal related disability. The grandchild does very well and is in a mainstream school but will always need some care and support. My friend has apparently told her other grandchildren that it's their job to look after their cousin and I do think that it was misguided of her to try to place that responsibility on them. It's great if the cousins can advocate for the disabled child, but it's the parents' responsibility to plan for the child's care needs.

I am so sorry but your kids sound awful and you have allowed this to happen! Please, please, please give them consequences for their awful behaviour it is totally unacceptable and you are enabling it as much as you feel terrible about about it - deal with it now or your kids will grown into not nice people!

Ignore the tedious "glass child" theorists-disability is the obstructions imposed on someone by others, i.e. things which limit their fair and full access to things,
Having a health condition doesn't make you disabled, it's the acts or omissions of other people.
Unfortunately, so many adults on here, parents, are mirroring the VILE behaviour of OP's other children and discussing her 19 year old son as a disabled, weak, passive impediment to their wants and selfishness.
I have a very gentle child and 3 other children of similar ages to yours, OP, and once (and only once) my oldest decided to mock and deride him, and I saw the quiet resignation in his eyes.
I had my oldest up against a wall eyeball to eyeball and very quietly asked him to repeat the vile abuse i had witnessed, he faltered, even called me a cunt, and refused, but eventually did repeat it. When I whispered what i would do to him if it ever happened again, his bravado faltered and he had tears of fear in his eyes. My point is that I put the fear of God into him, adult to adult.
I suggest OP does the following, with the full support of her husband:
Identify the instigator, there will be a ringleader-use hidden voice recorders (so you discover who it is yourselves, and don't drag your 19 year old into it), listen in through the door, they have forfeited any right to privacy by their vile bullying.
Devise a strategy to divide and conquer-you achieve this by isolating the ring-leader (who, incidentally, could even be the 15 year year old if his 17 and 20 year old siblings have influenced him)
Depending on what you discover, I would be very carefully protecting the 15 year old from any malign influence from his 20 year old brother (its much more likely he is emulating him, rather than his sister who is only two years older than him).
No more going out as a group-the 15 year old is still a child, the 17 year old is still a child, keep them busy and useful at home, focused on school, family etc.
It will be interesting what your oldest son does when the little gang isn't so tight-what does he do, out of interest?If his younger siblings are at school, who does he hang out with?
I would also prepare to go nuclear for any future visits from any of their friends if there is ANY disrespect or unkindness towards your 19 year old.And follow it through by telling them that they are guests in your home, and they will never set foot in your house again.
And if the end result is the bullying continues?
20 year old-he has to pack a bag and move out-I wouldn't allow him back as i bet he is influencing his 15 year old brother-this needs to be nipped in the bud now
17 year old-ditto-arrange for her to live with other family members, and make it clear she can return if, and only if, she changes-if she reverts to the bullying, tell her she leaves at 18
15 year old-immediate consequences every single time (no phone, wifi, socials, money, grounded etc.)
And yes, it may end up that your callous children resent you, lose contact, blame you.
So what? Home is our refuge and our safe place, where we are loved, protected and treated kindly.I think your three unpleasant children have smelled blood, view you as weak and have begun to believe that they have the real authority in the home. Take it from someone who has gone through something slightly similar, you have to be hard as nails and take all emotion out of it.
And for all the bleating posters who are furious that your children missed out on holidays, where is your fury towards the siblings who ostracise their own brother, and tell him he should never have been born?
Shame on you.

Teenagers can indeed be dicks. I've known children from households where there was no illness to turn round and tell their siblings that they wish they'd never been born - that kind of comment in the heat of the moment doesn't seem to be unusual.

However, we're plainly not being given the full story here. As I've said previously, I understand that the OP doesn't want to out her family, but she's missing out so much here. Is it the case that the other siblings have never been expected to look after their brother? The OP says that the 19 yr can manage independently for the most part, but much is being left unsaid.

When I worked in secondary schools, I was involved in situations where siblings were being expected to ensure that their younger and/or disabled siblings got to school in the mornings - sometimes resulting in the eldest being late for school themselves - or being expected to look after their sibling at interval and lunchtime instead of mixing with their friends. It did cause resentment.

By contrast, there was one very sensible parent who had twins with ASD. One was more severely affected than the other.

At primary school, they'd been in the same class and one had spent his primary school days being expected to look out for the other all the time. (I actually blame the staff for that.)

Prior to Induction Week, the parent made it plain that they'd prefer the children to be placed in separate classes. They were.

It was hard for the more severely affected child at first, but in the end both children blossomed.

Obviously the childhood stuff has caused it but it is a pack mentality, there’s normally a leader.

im in my 50s, the eldest of many full siblings and half siblings. After years of being treated badly and basically treated like an after thought they all kicked me out of the family a few years ago. My upbringing led to all of this.

I have no answers I’m afraid. your DS will just need to learn to make his own way in life as I had to at 18 when my parents made me leave home. I hope he knows it’s not him, I’ve had to have therapy to get myself through my situation.

If you do this @Marielouisee yiu will break the family forever. Teenagers are selfish, and three of your kids obviously feel they suffered because you prioritised your son- you may think that is unreasonable but that is from your perspective as a parent. Your kids should not actively be mean, but they don’t need to be friends, firm boundaries, no bad speaking, no shitty friends over but you cannot force this and if you try they will never grow out of the behaviour.

There is such thing as glass children. Pretending there isn’t doesn’t help anyone, it just breeds the resentment that leads to bad behaviour. The emotions exist ignoring them doesn’t achieve anything. And it is hard to grow up in a household where another child is consistently the priority, I know from experience. But my parents actually recognised that and even though it was after the fact it still helped.

I don’t disagree with divid & conquer but banishing may less to them cutting ties. Which is fine if that’s what you actually want but I don’t think most people want to be estranged from the children.

I am wondering if the other three are closely bonded because the impact of your focus on second son’s health is greater than you realise. My husband had a sibling who had some health issues and he definitely suffered as a result as his parents were so much more focused on the sibling. He rebelled massively against them in his late teens /early 20s. They referred to him as ‘the lucky one’ all the time. It was really hard for him and I do wonder whether you have underestimated the complexity of feelings in your family and also the extent to which it may seem to the other children that you favour DS19 - even if you think you don’t. I wonder if they actually think you do……

Sounds like pack mentality to me, picking on the weaker animal. Bit like mumsnet if I'm honest sometimes. Sorry to say but they sound like entitled children who need to grow up and realise that the world doesn't owe them anything and you get back what you dish out. Karmer can be a bitch! Put them.in their place and stop letting them guilt you into giving them permission to be total arseholes. One day a bigger bully will knock them on their butt and they will realise the emotional pain they have subjected their brother to all these years.