My son is treated like an outsider by his own siblings and it's breaking my heart

[Marielouisee]

I honestly don't even know why I'm writing this. Maybe because I've kept it inside for so many years and I just need to let it out somewhere. I'm a mother of four kids. My oldest son is 20, my second son is 19, my daughter is 17 and my youngest son is 15. I love all four of them equally. There has never been a favorite. They all grew up in the same home with the same parents. My husband and I have always tried to give them love, support and everything we could. We weren't perfect parents but we genuinely tried our best. That's why this hurts so much because no matter what we've done over the years, nothing has changed.

My second son has had some health problems since he was little. He has never been seriously disabled or anything like that. He can take care of himself, he goes out on his own, he has hobbies, he has friends and he doesn't need someone looking after him all the time. He's just different from the other three. He's not as sharp, fast or energetic as they are and he has always had a weaker immune system. He would get sick more often and sometimes he needed more attention from us than the others did. As parents we couldn't just ignore that. If one of your children needs you more at certain times you naturally give them that extra care. We never loved him more than the others. We simply responded to what each child needed.

Because of his health there were times we had to cancel family vacations or trips at the last minute. We never felt right leaving one child behind while taking the other three. Looking back now I know those moments affected the others more than we realized. They missed out on some things because of it. But it wasn't like their childhood was full of disappointment. They still had birthday parties, holidays, sleepovers, school trips, sports, time with friends and special moments with us. We always tried to make sure every child had attention and opportunities. It just wasn't always possible to make everything perfect.

As they got older though, especially around sixteen or seventeen, something changed. The frustration they had toward us slowly became resentment toward their brother. Instead of blaming the situation they started blaming him. It was like in their minds he became the reason they had missed out on certain memories as kids. From that point things just kept getting worse. They stopped inviting him to things. If they planned to go somewhere together they left him out. If they were hanging out at home they acted like he wasn't there. They have a lot of the same friends because they're close in age but they rarely include him. Even their friends have started treating him like he's invisible because they follow the example my other kids set.

The hardest part for me isn't even the exclusion. It's hearing the words they say to him. More than once I've overheard them telling him they wish he had never been part of the family or that they don't want him around. Every time I hear something like that it feels like someone is ripping my heart apart. I look at my son and he never screams back or starts a fight. He just goes quiet. He smiles less than he used to. Sometimes he'll simply walk back to his room like he's already expecting it. Watching your own child slowly believe he doesn't belong in his own family is something I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Last week was another example that completely broke me. The other three bought tickets to a music concert together. My second son was excited because he likes the artist too. He asked if he could come with them. They had already bought tickets for themselves and never even considered buying one for him. They told him no and left without him. He didn't throw a tantrum or beg. He just said okay and went back to his room. I don't even think he expects to be included anymore. That acceptance hurts more than if he had cried.

The thing that makes this even harder is that he's genuinely such a sweet kid. He's gentle, kind and thoughtful. He has never been the child causing problems or getting into trouble. He's incredibly talented in his own way. He paints beautifully. Honestly some of his artwork amazes me. He has found a small group of friends through art classes and local galleries. He goes to exhibitions, talks to other artists and that's where I actually see him smile. Those people appreciate him for who he is. Sometimes I wonder if complete strangers understand my son better than his own siblings do.

My husband and I have spent years trying to fix this. We've had countless conversations with all of them. We've explained how hurtful their behavior is. We've asked them to imagine how they would feel if the roles were reversed. We've tried family time, one-on-one talks, setting rules and encouraging them to spend time together. We've cried in front of them.

I'm just so tired. I feel like I've failed all of my children somehow. I feel guilty toward my second son because he deserves siblings who love him and accept him. I also feel guilty toward my other three because maybe somewhere along the way they carried resentment that we didn't recognize soon enough. I keep replaying every parenting decision in my head wondering where we went wrong. Maybe we made mistakes. I'm sure we did. Every parent does. But I never imagined it would end with one of my children feeling like an outsider in the only family he's ever known.

I don't even know what I'm hoping to get from posting this. Maybe someone has been through something similar. Maybe someone has advice. Or maybe I just needed to tell someone because I've carried this pain for years and it feels unbearably lonely. I honestly pray no child ever has to wonder why their own brothers and sister don't want them around and I pray no mother ever has to stand there watching it happen while feeling completely powerless to stop it.

Yeah, getting on with their lives whilst telling their sibling they wish he wasn’t a part of their family 🙄 They’re not just getting on with their lives, they’re harbouring anger and resentment and in turn bullying and being unnecessarily cruel towards their brother.

Honestly if you cut off financial support to your other children you will make the problem even worse.

Another poster mentioned glass child syndrome. You need to read up on it. It will help you understand the psychological difficulty your other children faced due to their brother’s condition and the types of scars it leaves. It will also stop you taking actions to make the situation worse (which for sure cutting off their financial support to protect him would do).

Writing as the sister of someone with severe psychiatric issues from childhood and whose parents didn’t manage it well

If you want to help your children - all of them - read about this syndrome

I think you've had some very harsh responses. Your older kids sound awful - they are really lucky to have born healthy. It could easily have gone the other way. We are all just a bad accident or illness away from disability.
Sure, it's disappointing not always getting what you want because you have a sick sibling . Not as disappointing as being the sick sibling though! I think they need to get a fucking grip frankly and stop being such arseholes to their brother.

Stop letting their shitty friends come around. I would be telling my kids how disappointed I am in their attitude - families are supposed to look out for each other.

And this is the Venn diagram place. The one place I agree with you. They shouldn't be saying nasty things to him, that is wrong and should not be OK in any house.

The problem OP has is that she has been crying and begging and expecting so so much more from them for so long that what is normal is skewed. They resent this, and OP (the crying makes me think emotional manipulation) is Teflon. So the brother gets it.

OP must simultaneously set reasonable expectations (don't be rude and say mean things) while not manipulating (crying) and while allowing them to choose their own friends and activities. I don't know if OP is capable of any of that, but that would work.

That will only give them further motivation to hate their brother and mother.

They already understand. They see their mother fighting his corner as she’s always done, and caring for his feelings more than she’s ever demonstrated caring for theirs. OP cannot make them care about the impact on their brother, and she cannot make them love or want to include him.

Be honest, how is he when out with them, would he need seats when they are standing at a concert, does he need them to walk slower, does he get tired quicker so they would need to alter plans? You say plans have been changed due to his health, it’s a childhood of resentment you are seeing.

one of my DDs has sen so we did everything to ensure her dsis wasn’t impacted, thankfully her needs weren’t too great. My dsd is profoundly disabled so my now dh and his ex would take my other dsdoway and have carers for their other dd or only one of them went. You can’t change the past but I can see their point their don’t want to compromise for their brother now, cruel but this was the result of years of them coming second in their childhood

depends what you want to achieve really.

Being as dramatic as possible to satisfy bored posters on MN who LOVE drama and punish the nasty siblings because they are projecting massively,

Or try to salvage and actually build a relationship between all your kids, to ensure they ALL have siblings to rely on, instead of ostracised the one who needs the most help, and will end up completely alone when his parents are elderly or dead.

That would involve accepting responsibility and stop playing favourite and accepting that you did the wrong thing when they were growing up.

Ah OP, I’m sorry you’re getting some negative responses. I would be upset too. I don’t think you could have done anything differently as they were growing up. Teenagers can be selfish but as they get older they may think differently.

Is the illness less visible? Some people don’t understand mental illness, for example. Is there any chance they could be thinking their brother is getting his own way rather than having a need?

I wouldn’t be upset id be absolutely livid. These aren’t small children anymore, one’s a full grown adult. I wouldn’t say anything but the next time I hear anything said or see him being left out I would lose my shit in a way they’ve never seen before.i would ramp it up. Then I would let cool towards the 3 of them for a few days. I would make it uncomfortable not to be manipulative but to get this message firmly through to them. After a day or 2 I’d sit the 3 down and I’d say to the oldest. You have a month to change your attitude, any anger or resentment belong at your and their dad’s door. If they think they can’t get past it then I suggest we go to family therapy, but if this behaviour towards their brother doesn’t improve then as an adult who now causing and escalating an unpleasant feelings in your home they need to find themselves somewhere else to live. They have a month to show you their decision and after that they need to actively look for another place to live. They’re an adult you don’t owe them a place to live. The 17 & 15 yo. They can decide if they want those same term & this will be their reality when they hit 18. But until they show a more mature and cordial behaviour and they rely you for money, well that gets cut off immediately until they’ve earned it. I would reiterate that you love them all but you can’t sit by and watch them being mean to another family member when the decisions made on holidays etc where not their fault. And I would also say you’re happy to to family therapy and sort it out. But bullying is not option.

We can only guess if this is accurate since the post is 80-90% AI written and tailored to deliver the OP’s POV. I expect the three have a disappointing and emotionally unbalanced childhood and this situation is down to parenting not schools or innate nasty streaks. But we can’t know because the OP didn’t even post her own true take on things in her own words. All we can really say is that parents need to own up to their mistakes and the best way to do that might be to bring in a third party through family therapy.

Are you from or in the US?

'Vacation' is not a term used in UK for holidays.

You come across exactly like my ex-mil and my grandmother. Both of whom had a child with additional needs. In the case of my ex mil, her eldest now has absolutely no contact with his sibling and despite him being my ex, it's as clear as day why. She constantly prioritised the needs of her youngest and refuses to this day to accept her eldest might have also needed attention. In her words 'he had everything'. He did not and has struggled significantly in his own way. This dynamic continued into adulthood with her constantly trying to force a relationship that didn't exist. It's damaged all their relationships and it stems from her (father acted very differently). My parent keeps in touch with 2 of their siblings but not so much the third. They banded together in very similar circumstances and they are in their 60s and 70s now. So if you intend on causing decades of resentment and no contact, then carry on as you are. The work you will need to do is on your relationship with your other children. Not force their relationship with their brother.

@Marielouisee , what do you think would happen if you changed tack here? Say you told your 3 that they had to be polite to Son2, but you wouldn't be pushing them to include him in their friendship groups and activities anymore. That you accepted their choices to spend their time how and with whom they choose to.

In other words, take the pressure off them to be his social group and force inclusion.

Encourage Son2 to do things with the friends you say he's made and do his own things.

Depriving the other sibs is just the same thing you've always done. It's pushing what you want, which is centering Son2, or else. That's why your family is in this mess.

They have no right to treat him this way. I don’t understand how people are defending your children. We all make parenting mistakes and maybe you did or didn’t at the time decisions were made to cancel plans. Maybe, you did to much compensating. Maybe you over apologised that made the the missing out appear worse than it actually was. But that neither here nor there. We all make mistakes and we’re all a produce of parents who also made mistakes but that doesn’t mean it’s ok to be nasty to someone. I think you’re guilty of spoiling your children’s private education, I’m assuming the holidays cancelled where not the only holidays planned that year, birthday parties etc. they sound like they’re victims of over privilege. They will grow up eventually and when the circle of friends change and they see how the normal kids grew up with hopefully they’ll see just how lucky they’ve been

You sounds like a lovely person. Reading what the OP has said and how some people have responded my main thought is that it just seems desperately sad, and almost inevitable that the siblings would resent their parents and hate their sibling.

Your response restores my faith that it doesn't have to be like that.

Don’t stop trying OP.

First I’d plan something 1:1 with each of the three. And make sure it’s 1:1. I’d say I know life was probably pretty tricky growing up and I’m sorry if you feel that Dad and I were unfair. You had to manage a lot and I’m generally sorry. Please can we speak about it? Do you feel well supported now? How are you doing? Give them lots of empathy. I’d also set out the points you’ve made here about you’re sorry things had to be cancelled sometimes when they were young. Be clear about the medical issues and why you had to cancel. Say I’m sorry if you didn’t feel we cared at the time I promise we did. Is there anything we can do now to repair it? I’d then ask if they feel resentment to their brother or is there another reason they don’t include him? I’d end with siblings don’t always have to be friends, but please stop being unkind and ignoring him. Is there another reason you don’t invite him to things? Be clear this is bothering you and your husband and make it clear that your other son hasn’t said anything but you and your husband have noticed the spitefulness and it’s worrying, are your other children doing ok?

I have one child with serious health issues and one without. My one without is kind, loving and caring. I can’t imagine him treating his sibling this way, but then they only have each other luckily and not others to gang up with. I think have the other 3 that they are likely feeding into it with each other. I’d not tolerate it.

This is really sad. They are bullying your second son.
What can you do? I think let go of the gig thing, maybe there would have been more looking after him there than you realise. But the ignoring, encouraging their friends to do the same. I would come down hard on that. It is obviously counterproductive to cry and go on about it, that gives them a taste of power which has gone to their heads. Your 15 year old though presumably had to ask for money to go to the gig? Does your daughter have a part time job? Is you older boy at college or something, sorry I missed it if you said that.
i do think somewhere along the way, with the private schools and holidays and you perhaps even often over apologising about your attention being diverted to second son, they are actually spoiled and unkind, they have been maybe sheltered from the reality that they are very privileged. I would stop the 15 year old being out and about with the older ones too much, he’s obviously too young for pubs/parties etc, if the gig was a one of thing then ok but otherwise I wouldn’t want him kind of joining in their evening social stuff, just no to that. Fair enough if the older two do social stuff together, but it will sting less if it’s just two not three, I can understand the visceral reaction you felt to seeing the three of them heading out together, but hopefully that was a one off. I think the bigger issue is behaviour in the house. I would try talking to them maybe separately about this and be clear that it’s not about two of them being more ‘mates’ and going to the same parties, that you can see that’s not a big deal in retrospect. But….i think in a factual non emotional way I would say…that their attitude, tone of voice, and manner when encountering their brother in the shared spaces of the house are not acceptable. That they are bullying and excluding him and you can’t allow that.
Whether this would help without some actual consequences I don’t know. I would be tempted to cut/stop allowances, until normal civil behavior is restored. I know that is seen as controversial, but I would see cash for fun stuff as conditional on polite kind civil behavior. You would have to be prepared though for them collectively holding that against you for a long time. I think part of what makes this so hard is greiving the whole situation, which may get worse.
If your older two were busy with actual real life, having jobs that kept them busy, meeting real people dealing with real stuff, serving people, they wouldn’t have time to bully the family like this, and they would be out of the house more which may calm things down. So again suggesting it’s time they earn their own cash is not a bad idea.
It will help your second son too, to see that you have his back and you’re not allowing this nonsense.
Fwiw, I have teens, one with health issues. When we’ve had emergency stuff happen it would have been unbelievably horrible if one of me or dh had had to fly out of the country and stand around the pool in a state at some holiday resort while calling home for updates, and the other parent had been alone in the hospital crying and praying. Like, you just cancel, if it’s something serious. obviously it’s sad your other kids were disappointed but their anger is misdirected, it’s not their families fault that life is fairly shit sometimes.

I think that’s the only action op can take without casing more damage.

It’s just being polite and kind. You won’t tolerate them slagging him off or saying they wish he wasn’t born. You don’t want to hear any more of it and the old saying of if you don’t have anything nice to say then say nothing at all.

But wouldn’t cut them off or kick them out or force them to play with him like you’re arranging a little child’s play dates.

Just no rudeness no name calling.

I think this is really good advice.

OP, even though you initially wrote that as parents you made mistake, you posts after that don’t acknowledge any mistakes and you also don’t seem to be willing to see things from the siblings POV. I’m sure it is devastating to see the effect of all this on your DS but at the same time you can’t ignore the others’s feelings.

yes, the spelling of behaviour, the word vacation. Even the word 'kid' and 'sweet'. He is a 'sweet kid'. We tend to use the collective word kids here, but not as much the singular for a more personal situation. We would say 'my child is 15' not 'my kid is 15', even if we say 'my kids are 15 and 17' and 'that kid of there is a pain'.

Fighting his corner. Unless she missing something she hasn’t witnessed him doing anything but accept his exclusion with him slopping off to his room. We don’t know his illness’s he may have just been sickly kid. However, these kids have been given the best education, birthday parties, been on several holidays etc. even if she’s pandered to this son, how is that his fault? How are you letting and defending a 20, 17 & 15yo collectively gang up on their brother and say nasty things and actively excluding him. They can have resentment, that’s fine but they must be taught how to deal with it. It’s completely unacceptable that a 20yo behaves this way. I have a 20yo and whilst she has her moments she knows that this behaviour is unacceptable.

Research shows that higher wealth and abundance often correlate with lower empathy and self-focused behavior. As financial status and independence increase, individuals tend to rely less on others, which can reduce emotional sensitivity and compassion toward external hardships.

It sounds like your kids need a dose of real life...

No more money until they learn basic respect. You sound too soft. Money talks. Take it away and see what happens.

Whilst their behaviour does sound unkind and in the case of the concert, quite cruel, it has come from somewhere. It sounds as if they do feel resentment towards their brother and now they are older and able to organise things themselves, they have decided to exclude him. Their friends will naturally follow the same dynamic.

From what you say op, it’s been a very difficult balance to strike for you as parents. We all make mistakes in far less challenging circumstances. It’s very easy to criticise someone when you haven’t had to walk the same path.

I don’t know how to fix it, but I do think it’s worth seeking professional advice if you can. It may not change anything immediately,
but it might help you navigate things in the longer term.

Well the problem is youve made him the faverouite so yes they are fed up, your very long messsge is all about hes a baby and everyone needs to care for him and buy him concert tickets,.and theyve had enough,.expecting your children to pay for him is so wrong and they also dont have to like him just because he is their brother,..you i suspect have a toxic co dependant relationship with your son and all these years youve expected everyone else to join in and now they are saying no

Im also curious that the way you describe your son is that hes special and needed extra care, did he not get a diagnosis?

Agree the post smacks of AI...