My son is treated like an outsider by his own siblings and it's breaking my heart

[Marielouisee]

I honestly don't even know why I'm writing this. Maybe because I've kept it inside for so many years and I just need to let it out somewhere. I'm a mother of four kids. My oldest son is 20, my second son is 19, my daughter is 17 and my youngest son is 15. I love all four of them equally. There has never been a favorite. They all grew up in the same home with the same parents. My husband and I have always tried to give them love, support and everything we could. We weren't perfect parents but we genuinely tried our best. That's why this hurts so much because no matter what we've done over the years, nothing has changed.

My second son has had some health problems since he was little. He has never been seriously disabled or anything like that. He can take care of himself, he goes out on his own, he has hobbies, he has friends and he doesn't need someone looking after him all the time. He's just different from the other three. He's not as sharp, fast or energetic as they are and he has always had a weaker immune system. He would get sick more often and sometimes he needed more attention from us than the others did. As parents we couldn't just ignore that. If one of your children needs you more at certain times you naturally give them that extra care. We never loved him more than the others. We simply responded to what each child needed.

Because of his health there were times we had to cancel family vacations or trips at the last minute. We never felt right leaving one child behind while taking the other three. Looking back now I know those moments affected the others more than we realized. They missed out on some things because of it. But it wasn't like their childhood was full of disappointment. They still had birthday parties, holidays, sleepovers, school trips, sports, time with friends and special moments with us. We always tried to make sure every child had attention and opportunities. It just wasn't always possible to make everything perfect.

As they got older though, especially around sixteen or seventeen, something changed. The frustration they had toward us slowly became resentment toward their brother. Instead of blaming the situation they started blaming him. It was like in their minds he became the reason they had missed out on certain memories as kids. From that point things just kept getting worse. They stopped inviting him to things. If they planned to go somewhere together they left him out. If they were hanging out at home they acted like he wasn't there. They have a lot of the same friends because they're close in age but they rarely include him. Even their friends have started treating him like he's invisible because they follow the example my other kids set.

The hardest part for me isn't even the exclusion. It's hearing the words they say to him. More than once I've overheard them telling him they wish he had never been part of the family or that they don't want him around. Every time I hear something like that it feels like someone is ripping my heart apart. I look at my son and he never screams back or starts a fight. He just goes quiet. He smiles less than he used to. Sometimes he'll simply walk back to his room like he's already expecting it. Watching your own child slowly believe he doesn't belong in his own family is something I wouldn't wish on anyone.

Last week was another example that completely broke me. The other three bought tickets to a music concert together. My second son was excited because he likes the artist too. He asked if he could come with them. They had already bought tickets for themselves and never even considered buying one for him. They told him no and left without him. He didn't throw a tantrum or beg. He just said okay and went back to his room. I don't even think he expects to be included anymore. That acceptance hurts more than if he had cried.

The thing that makes this even harder is that he's genuinely such a sweet kid. He's gentle, kind and thoughtful. He has never been the child causing problems or getting into trouble. He's incredibly talented in his own way. He paints beautifully. Honestly some of his artwork amazes me. He has found a small group of friends through art classes and local galleries. He goes to exhibitions, talks to other artists and that's where I actually see him smile. Those people appreciate him for who he is. Sometimes I wonder if complete strangers understand my son better than his own siblings do.

My husband and I have spent years trying to fix this. We've had countless conversations with all of them. We've explained how hurtful their behavior is. We've asked them to imagine how they would feel if the roles were reversed. We've tried family time, one-on-one talks, setting rules and encouraging them to spend time together. We've cried in front of them.

I'm just so tired. I feel like I've failed all of my children somehow. I feel guilty toward my second son because he deserves siblings who love him and accept him. I also feel guilty toward my other three because maybe somewhere along the way they carried resentment that we didn't recognize soon enough. I keep replaying every parenting decision in my head wondering where we went wrong. Maybe we made mistakes. I'm sure we did. Every parent does. But I never imagined it would end with one of my children feeling like an outsider in the only family he's ever known.

I don't even know what I'm hoping to get from posting this. Maybe someone has been through something similar. Maybe someone has advice. Or maybe I just needed to tell someone because I've carried this pain for years and it feels unbearably lonely. I honestly pray no child ever has to wonder why their own brothers and sister don't want them around and I pray no mother ever has to stand there watching it happen while feeling completely powerless to stop it.

Reading between the lines I'm assuming some level of ND in son?

As an older person with ND, I wish I'd been encouraged to lean into my strengths and eventually monetise them rather than wasting lots of time and lowering my self-esteem trying to be "one of the girls".

Plenty of ways to build confidence and community rather than trying to access spaces where his face doesn't fit.

A lot of young people socialising is very superficial and brutal (young people aren't always the most sensitive or caring or equipped to look after anyone a bit different).

For example, if he's an artist he can start getting into promoting his work and marketing on social media, or finding other artists on Substack.

Eventually he can probably monetise his work but he needs 2-3 years of consistent marketing and presence. So this would take up lots of his energy.

Quite frankly, if he gets into his 20s and he's successful at something and making money from his strengths this will draw people to him, no matter how "quiet" or quirky he is.

There's also social groups and spaces which are more welcoming to geeky quirky types.

It seems like insisting he fits in with his energetic mainstream siblings is just upsetting everyone and creating rifts.

I'm so sorry OP. This must be so so difficult for you. All every parent ever wants it to raise happy children. We make decisions based on what we felt was the right thing to do at the time. Those decisions might not always have been right, but it sounds as though you've tried your best.
Deliberate exclusion is a form of bullying. You orher children are bullying your son, simple as that. You cannot force a relationship that doesn't exist but equally, the family home should be a safe and inclusive place for everyone that resides there and kind behaviour is a prerequisite of being allowed to live under this roof.
I feel that your other children do not grasp the gravity of their actions and therefore the consequences of bullying their sibling have not been sufficient.
All funding towards this behaviour must stop immediately. If they don't like it, they can move out. Your house has no place for unkind people.

Your son is 19 hes a fully grown adult man and they dont like him hes not a child, they dont have to like him

I am so sad to read this @Marielouiseeas this would break my heart.
i would tell your other YP their friends are unwelcome
they are essentially bullying their brother.

when you have had chats with them, what do they say?
it may be that they don’t have anything in common apart from being siblings so get on less well and this is compounded as three of them get on well and one is constantly keft out . However, kindness is free. It is not on them saying they wish he wasn’t a part of the family.

you may not have spoilt them but they sound lile spoilt, entitled individuals to me

You will end up losing them

This does sound very sad but I think it's not just that they treat him as an outsider but that he is an outsider.

I don't think that the crying in front of the other three has helped.

I think their current behaviour is a symptom of a much longer running embedding imbalance.

At their ages, if they are CHOOSING to spend time with siblings, it's much like teenagers and young adults CHOOSING which friends to spend time with. You can't force them to be mates with someone they don't want to spend time with.

That doesn't mean that it's not incredibly sad.

I think there's something more in this and, as ever, we obviously only have your side of things from your perspective. Perhaps your three other children are cold hearted and not empathetic but perhaps there's something that you've missed out in your scene setting and story telling.

I do get the impression that you've had good intentions throughout your parenting but you're seeing it through your lens and I think there needs to be some major walking in other peoples shoes going on here.

I love that you're clearly proud of your son, the way you describe his painting. But him being sweet and a good artist don't mean he's the best person to go to a gig with. I've got friends who I like who I'd not take to live music with me because they need looking after, they're delicate souls who aren't into the same music as me or would turn their nose up at drinking a pint in a field.

Have you considered any therapy or counselling?

Don't forget too that the other three are all still young enough that their prefrontal cortex is still developing, they can still be told by a parent when their actions or words are cruel or disappointing. But I don't think they all flipped a switch one day and ganged up on him. This feels more likely to have come from a long term, deep seated resentment.

Did the other three have a chance for individual one on one time with you and/or your husband? How often or how many times did holidays or outings or events get cancelled? I've seen people try to get a handle on the scale of the disruption to the sibling's routines and things they've looked forward to. Also, how big were the things that were cancelled? A once in a lifetime thing they'd never get to do again?

My initial response when I started to read your post was that you should print it off and put it on the fridge for them all to see. But then I read that you've told them. Again and again. They know you're disappointed in them. Any favouritism they think exists will have been deepened by this.

I'm glad your son has friends and joy in his life and I'm sad that his siblings are missing out on him BUT I really feel like there's something you're not telling us or that you've just never realised. I really wish we could hear from each member of the family.

Of course, but I assume that her and her husband have tried all that. She said that they have cried in front of them so I assumed that they were trying to appeal to their better natures.

It would be very strange if she hadn't tried what you have just suggested as it is the obvious thing to do.

Realistically what will happen if op stops funding the other three is that the 20 year old will probably move out.

there’s quite a few kids who make their way through uni on their own and if they declare estrangement from parents (and if you cut them off you are estranged) they’ll get more funding.

if they have a job it’s even easier.

at which point the 17 year old looks at their older sibling and sees that they are completely independent and decides to join them. Again, if you’ve cut off funding they can declare estrangement and get government funding for uni or can look to aunt/uncle/grandma older sibling for housing and support,

the only one you might be able to control using this is the 15 year old but again if there are other relatives they can stay with they may vote with their feet.

i used to teach in a secondary school and at these ages you do not have control over your kids any more. They can and will move out/go to relatives/report you (if you try anything stupid with your 15 year old).

cutting them off financially will simply absolutely entrench their belief that this is because son number 2 is your favourite and they will move out and go no contact as soon as they can.

where you might stand a chance is in saying to them that they may not all get on or like each other but you do expect them to be polite to each other.

my dd went through uni as an estranged student (from her dad) and I earned fuck all. Unis generally if they know about this sort of thing will try really really hard to support estranged students.

No I don't realise that.

What is she doing wrong now (not in the past)?

Yes I think this too, all the unnecessary nonsense about glass children when simply they sound like unpleasant humans. Unkind and excluding.
If the whole world was like this it would be incredibly ugly
No amount of past history justification for bullying a sibling

Of course she needs to consider this but she is at the end of her tether so I assume she feels that things couldn't get much worse.

Also it is important that they realise that bullying will be punished.

Having a child with a lot of illness changes the family dynamics even if you don't think so. That attention you've given your youngest will have bred resentment even if the attention was needed.

I think the ship has sailed in terms of sibling relationships. If you were going to enforce decent behaviour it should have been long before now. That aside, there's a big gap between a 20/19 year old and a 15 year old. It's not a given that they'll be friends and hang out together in the most well adjusted families.

It's a shitty thing to do, excluding the youngest when all the others are going to an event like a gig, but they don't want him tagging along, so you need to step back and let them get on with it. All you can do is enforce civility within the home.

You're 3 healthy children are being very mean and unkind to their brother. In fact they don't sound like very nice people . They obviously resent the attention he's had because of his health issues which the poor lad has no control over . Maybe ask them why they are being so cruel to him ! Don't pay for the things they exclude him from ? Such a sad situation.

.

OP, you’re fairly getting your a roasting here. I think you can’t expect your other children to hang out with your DS2. Honestly, in a lot of families that age, siblings don’t hang out together and have their own set of friends, so you need to accept that.

What you should not accept is your children being nasty and name calling to their brother and there should be consequences to that.

The 20 yo should be told that his behaviour will not be accepted and he will be asked to move out if it continues and you won’t support him financially any longer, even if he is in Uni. The 15 & 17 yo should be told their pocket money will be cut drastically if they continue, etc. None of this is your DS2 fault and he needs to be comfortable in his own home.

I dont think you had to be quite so blunt and brutal in your response..It is possible to give explanations and opinions without coming across like a headmistress who's got her bloomers in a twist. Relax.

Hi Op,
If plans have been cancelled regularly in the past, it may have become easier for them to avoid inviting their brother altogether. They might worry that he could become unwell before the event, leading to another cancellation, or that he could become ill during the event and they would have to leave early. It may also be helpful to look at some of the literature on the experiences of siblings who have a brother or sister with a chronic illness, as this can provide some useful insight into how they might be feeling.

I would also recommend dialing things back a little. They are still very young, and if you withdraw financial support, there is a real risk that they will come to resent both you and their brother even more. Instead, I think it would be worth considering family therapy with a systemic family therapist, who can help everyone explore these dynamics and improve communication in a supportive environment.

Whatever the rights and wrongs of it, right now you are making things worse.

I have a sibling who has always been 'high needs'. My mother keeps trying to get everyone to do things for her, while she is never expected to do anything for anyone else. And after all that, she feel sorry for herself.

As a result, all my mother's other dc want nothing to do with her. If my mother backed off, we might have some (very, very distant) relationship of some sort with her (she's a pain). But because we know that if we ever open the door a crack my mother will try to shove her through it, we keep it tightly shut.

This is horrible to read op. Bad enough when kids are excluded at school but at home by their own siblings? Just awful.

They must be getting their tickets and treat money from you. I'd stop funding it tell them clearly to show some empathy and kindness and you'll reconsider.

Obviously illness disrupts plans when someone has health issues, they don't sound to have missed out too badly though.

Sadly the private school seems to have encouraged arrogance and entitlement, awful to find out 3 of your kids are little shits. Not sure how you can sort it out at this last stage .

Your children all grew up in the same house, they have not had the same childhood.

You have prioritised the needs of your second son. You are now suggesting you will cut off financial support your your other DC because of a divide YOU and circumstances have caused.

I feel sorry for your DC, mostly the siblings tbh.

I think in the concert situation I would have called them all nasty and spiteful and told them that I was ashamed of them. I would have then booked two tickets and took him myself or asked him to take a friend !! I think at this point a family therapist would be a good idea and beneficial for you all to deal with this. Or I’d ask them to all write a letter to you explaining from their point of view what the issue is and what could be done to move forward and tell them to really let it all out. It is possible even though you don’t feel you favoured your second son; the kids think you did and have banded together and see themselves as the outsiders to you, their dad and second son. I feel like this has to get worse to ultimately get better but do think it is fixable if it is addressed as a huge priority and with the children’s maturing. Lots of siblings go through cycles like this it’s just a shame it is 3 on 1 😭

People are mad. I swear to god this is evidence that we, as a species, deserve all the shit we get.

They don't have to be his carer, but they do have to treat him with basic respect. Any of my kids speaking to anyone like that would be on the receiving end of some harsh consequences, let alone their own brother, in his own home. I'd genuinely say it stops or they leave. We know what domestic abuse does to people and this is a prime example of that. It cannot continue.

Anyone justifying their behaviour, you are disgusting. These are not four year olds who lack empathy, they're almost adults and they know damn well how the boy feels too. They want him to feel that way, because their hugely privileged upbringing was slightly less privileged while he suffered from poor health.

I agree 💯

Sorry but I think your three children are being selfish. I’m slightly heartbroken for your ‘left out’ son. The fact that he just quietly accepts their selfish behaviour is even more worrying. I’d be happier if, after them refusing to let him go with them, he did turn round, tell them to F off, and ignored them. Make your own life young man, and leave your self centred siblings to it.

Hear, hear👏👏👏👏👏

The path to repair here is this:

OP, you need to acknowledge to yourself that you as parents have created an unhealthy environment for the other siblings. Giving your best and still falling short can both be true.

Then you need to find it in you to connect with your children and truly listen with a completely open mind. You need to find it in you to fully understand their experience and perspective and NOT dismiss any of it. You need to validate and then process what they tell you. You do not push back because they have the monopoly on what their experience growing up in this household has been. You only have authority over your own experience and nobody else's.

They need to really feel that you are able to accept that growing up like this has been hard for them and you need to acknowledge the ways in which it might have been hard for them. That is your job as a parent. They can only give to you and their sibling, or anyone, what they have received themselves.

I would imagine they might have felt isolated as children from their parents and their sibling, with the sibling receiving the most consideration. It would also not be surprising that they now stick together as each others' friends because of this divide in the family.

I suggest you try and get to this point with a therapist, on your own, not family therapy. If you want a chance of being in their lives as adults and for them to lose some resentment towards their sibling you need to start with yourself.