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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be annoyed at the assumption that I am a Mrs?

864 replies

Cheeseandolivesplease · 20/07/2026 21:57

So I completed a update form at the dentist for myself and my daughter; the ones they routinely hand out. It didn't ask for my title, but I ticked the "married" box.
Next thing I know, my name pings up on the screen as Mrs .
Just no!!
At the end of my appointment I went to ask for it to be corrected, but AIBU to be annoyed at the assumption?
A bit like the thread today referring to the new prime minister's wife as Mrs Burnham. She is Ms van Heel.

OP posts:
TheyGrewUp · 22/07/2026 18:30

Cheeseandolivesplease · 22/07/2026 18:28

@TheyGrewUp Did you ever question why it was only you declaring it though?

Please see the explanatoon above

Why does what other people do bother you so?

PeepDeBeaul · 22/07/2026 18:31

I'm "marriage free" i believe is the term...Been with my not-hubby for 27 years! I go by Miss...or since i hit my 40's Ms. I find it slightly galling when folk call me Mrs hisLastName or Mrs myLastName. Why do folk assume that everyone agrees with marriage...and will take their partner's surname?

So i see your pain, i do have to question is it worth getting het up over?

Sunseaandtea · 22/07/2026 18:34

PeepDeBeaul · 22/07/2026 18:31

I'm "marriage free" i believe is the term...Been with my not-hubby for 27 years! I go by Miss...or since i hit my 40's Ms. I find it slightly galling when folk call me Mrs hisLastName or Mrs myLastName. Why do folk assume that everyone agrees with marriage...and will take their partner's surname?

So i see your pain, i do have to question is it worth getting het up over?

Edited

"marriage free" I've heard it all now
😂

TheyGrewUp · 22/07/2026 18:45

@Sunseaandtea I'm a Mrs but never have and never shall have a hubby.

Cheeseandolivesplease · 22/07/2026 18:47

@TheyGrewUp The answer is simple: patriarchy.

OP posts:
Greywizardpirate · 22/07/2026 18:48

Have you suggested to the Dentist practice to ask for title information. Why blame the admin staff, it’s the dentist IT system.
I use to get annoyed when my husband was called partner when I was pregnant. Why couldn’t they ask what I preferred.
As part of my job, when someone changes their name the only question I ask is it a legal change and what their title is.

Cheeseandolivesplease · 22/07/2026 18:50

@Greywizardpirate I hadn't changed my last name; they were running an update. But I agree that titles are irrelevant in this context.

OP posts:
QuintadosMalvados · 22/07/2026 18:50

walrushurricane · 22/07/2026 18:01

Hmm. Not sure the fact the marriage has been consummated means any children will be the husband's. Who knows if the wife was sleeping with someone else too?

Yes. I understand that.
You tell me, why do you think it's still there?
Got any better suggestions? Why is it reason for annulment?
It's outdated, don't you think. People have sex and have children outside of marriage after all.

I think that marriage is rooted in the fact that people have children. Or adopt.
This is not the same as why people get married.
It is why government recognises it though.
Nor would I ever stop those who are not planning on children marrying.
No way.

Why should the government have an interest otherwise if not for reproduction, though and the inherent 'sexism' of it.

Incidentally, this is probably why cohabiting rights are being mooted.
More children are born outside of marriage now.
They've got to control this somehow.
Get the fathers to pay up for the fact that women are financially disadvantaged by having children.

Anyway, this is off topic.

I don't mind if a married woman doesn't want to be known as 'Mrs' but there's no need to get annoyed about it, and act like it's awful, just state what you wish to be known as plainly and politely, and people aren't idiots for making the reasonable assumption that they are Mrs.

I don't care. I'm married. I expect to be called Mrs. If I wasn't, I'd calmly ask not to be. I wouldn't think people were dumb and unreasonable for calling me Mrs at first, though.

TheyGrewUp · 22/07/2026 18:51

Cheeseandolivesplease · 22/07/2026 18:47

@TheyGrewUp The answer is simple: patriarchy.

Genuinely, what makes you so unhappy about your life and status to make you care so much?

My DH treats me as his equal, my work colleagues do, my neighbours do. I couldn't care less what people call me as long as they treat me as their equal. If they don't they get short shrift.

Cheeseandolivesplease · 22/07/2026 18:53

@QuintadosMalvados No I don't think it is irrelevant. I see sex as an integral part of our marriage, as does my husband, and if my husband would have willingly refused it I would have annulled the marriage. Same rights again for him.

OP posts:
Cheeseandolivesplease · 22/07/2026 18:55

@TheyGrewUp So, in essence, you lied in your marriage vows? "Obeying" your husband is not being equal to him, it's being subservient.

OP posts:
Muffsies · 22/07/2026 18:58

TheyGrewUp · 22/07/2026 18:51

Genuinely, what makes you so unhappy about your life and status to make you care so much?

My DH treats me as his equal, my work colleagues do, my neighbours do. I couldn't care less what people call me as long as they treat me as their equal. If they don't they get short shrift.

You may not care what people call you, but i would have thought most people do. I certainly do, i don't want to be called by the wrong name or title. I don't think that makes me (or OP) unhappy, what an odd comment.

Sunseaandtea · 22/07/2026 18:58

Do you actually like men🤔

Cheeseandolivesplease · 22/07/2026 18:59

@Sunseaandtea Only non-misyogynistic ones. They're pretty rare unfortunately 😀

OP posts:
TheyGrewUp · 22/07/2026 19:00

Cheeseandolivesplease · 22/07/2026 18:55

@TheyGrewUp So, in essence, you lied in your marriage vows? "Obeying" your husband is not being equal to him, it's being subservient.

I have explained why. Go and read the ppst upthread. We used the old service from the Book of Common Prayer. No, I didn't lie before God and that assertion is frankly offensive.

Cheeseandolivesplease · 22/07/2026 19:03

@TheyGrewUp In which case you agreed to obey your husband before God.

OP posts:
QuintadosMalvados · 22/07/2026 19:08

Cheeseandolivesplease · 22/07/2026 18:53

@QuintadosMalvados No I don't think it is irrelevant. I see sex as an integral part of our marriage, as does my husband, and if my husband would have willingly refused it I would have annulled the marriage. Same rights again for him.

OK.
With respect, though, and I mean this in a genuine non-sarcastic way, how the heck is anybody else supposed to know whether you had sex or not after the marriage ceremony?
You said you did, he said you did not.
See the problem?
I don't mean you personally, I mean people in general.

It amazes me that you're OK with this enormous invasion of privacy (or, rather, possibility of it for anybody who marries) yet are annoyed at being called Mrs. 😕

InkyWink · 22/07/2026 19:09

@Cheeseandolivesplease to let you know 😉

HoppityBun · 22/07/2026 19:09

QuintadosMalvados · 22/07/2026 16:33

It IS patriarchal.
The whole notion of consummation is for the man's benefit, not the woman's. So that if the woman gets pregnant, he's likely to be the father.

Why the heck does it need to be there in this day and age for heaven's sake.
Haven't you asked yourself that?

Whether you like it or not, marriage is about conferring rights to people who are likely to have children. I said likely, not will. And no I don't want to stop people who won't or can't have children marrying at all, only pointing out that's the only reason to acknowledge it.

Why on earth should society afford these rights otherwise? Who gives a shit about the love lives of two consenting adults?

Yes, yes I know not all couples will have children. So no comebacks on that, please.

I've never known anybody discuss annulment if not consummated either, but there you go.

It's not the fact that you don't wish to be known as 'Mrs' either.
It's what I perceive to be your over the top reaction to it. Why not just politely correct people?
Starting a thread about it, giving off the vibe that it is truly awful and everybody who assumes you're 'Mrs' is an idiot.

When in fact it's a reasonable assumption to make and easily remedied by using a few words along the lines of,
'I prefer to be known as Ms or Miss, or please.' and not giving it a second thought.

The whole notion of consummation is for the man's benefit, not the woman's. So that if the woman gets pregnant, he's likely to be the father.

No, Either party to the marriage can seek annulment if the marriage isn’t consummated. Consummation is no guarantee that the child’s father is the husband, but that’s the assumption until proven otherwise. Pater est quem nuptiae demonstrant . However, I have read that in the Regency, Jane Austen’s period, non consummation would not annul the marriage because what was required was the possibility of consummation. Impotence would be grounds for divorce bit I imagine that would rarely be sought. It would be interesting to know.

There’s a wealth of DNA and family histories that show that the husband might well not the father.

Traditionally, one of the purposes of marriage was for having children and that was explicit in the words of the CoE marriage service. That was important for both the husband and the wife.

“First, It was ordained for the procreation of children, to be brought up in the fear and nurture of the Lord, and to the praise of his holy Name.

Secondly, It was ordained for a remedy against sin, and to avoid fornication; that such persons as have not the gift of continency might marry, and keep themselves undefiled members of Christ’s body.

Thirdly, It was ordained for the mutual society, help, and comfort, that the one ought to have of the other, both in prosperity and adversity. Into which holy estate these two persons present come now to be joined. Therefore if any man can shew any just cause, why they may not lawfully be joined together, let him now speak, or else hereafter for ever hold his peace.”

Cheeseandolivesplease · 22/07/2026 19:11

@QuintadosMalvados As I said before, I think the option of annullment (due to unwillingness) should remain, as it affords both parties some degree of protection.
If he wants to claim I did not when in fact I did, then go ahead with the annullment by all means!

OP posts:
Cheeseandolivesplease · 22/07/2026 19:16

@HoppityBun Those statements only apply to CofE service though? As we don't believe in God we obviously chose not to have a religious service and opted for a tailor-made civil ceremony.
We were definitely not going to have children within our marriage as my husband had been for a vasectomy beforehand! Perfect choice for us and our circumstances.
But I do of course agree with you re both parties being able to annul hence no patriarchy involved with this element.

OP posts:
Notadramallama · 22/07/2026 19:26

QuintadosMalvados · 22/07/2026 15:04

I don't give a toss why other people get married.

My point is this: why would you opt to be legally shackled to somebody that you seemingly cannot bear to be associated with to the point that the deeply inconsequential and trivial thing that is being called 'Mrs' in a dental surgery deeply offends you?

Unless of course you dislike the person and are only doing it for financial and to climb the social ladder gain.

I accept that's a reason that makes sense.

So if a women doesn't change her name on marriage that means that they, "seemingly cannot bear to be associated with" their husband. Does that not apply to the man too?

Why does the woman have to change her name to show their association but not the man?

walrushurricane · 22/07/2026 19:30

QuintadosMalvados · 22/07/2026 18:50

Yes. I understand that.
You tell me, why do you think it's still there?
Got any better suggestions? Why is it reason for annulment?
It's outdated, don't you think. People have sex and have children outside of marriage after all.

I think that marriage is rooted in the fact that people have children. Or adopt.
This is not the same as why people get married.
It is why government recognises it though.
Nor would I ever stop those who are not planning on children marrying.
No way.

Why should the government have an interest otherwise if not for reproduction, though and the inherent 'sexism' of it.

Incidentally, this is probably why cohabiting rights are being mooted.
More children are born outside of marriage now.
They've got to control this somehow.
Get the fathers to pay up for the fact that women are financially disadvantaged by having children.

Anyway, this is off topic.

I don't mind if a married woman doesn't want to be known as 'Mrs' but there's no need to get annoyed about it, and act like it's awful, just state what you wish to be known as plainly and politely, and people aren't idiots for making the reasonable assumption that they are Mrs.

I don't care. I'm married. I expect to be called Mrs. If I wasn't, I'd calmly ask not to be. I wouldn't think people were dumb and unreasonable for calling me Mrs at first, though.

I think that the reasons for annulment have been kept there because noone can be bothered to take them out. It's not as if you can prove a marriage wasn't consummated if the spouses disagree and I don't really see how it is advantageous to men.
And yes, you can calmly ask not to be called Mrs but why should people have to? People shouldn't assume anything in the first place.
I don't get annoyed with individuals but the whole system of titles in the UK is pointless.

Cheeseandolivesplease · 22/07/2026 19:31

@Notadramallama Spot on!
but to be fair, @QuintadosMalvados
has highlighted her ingrained misyogny so wonderfully with the statement:
"Unless of course you dislike the person and are only doing it for financial and to climb the social ladder gain."
It couldn't be at all possible, could it, that I, as a woman, have significantly more wealth or earning capacity than my husband? Surely not?!!

OP posts:
walrushurricane · 22/07/2026 19:35

TheyGrewUp · 22/07/2026 18:51

Genuinely, what makes you so unhappy about your life and status to make you care so much?

My DH treats me as his equal, my work colleagues do, my neighbours do. I couldn't care less what people call me as long as they treat me as their equal. If they don't they get short shrift.

Given you vowed to obey your husband i am not sure that you can give him short shift if he acts like you are not his equal. You agreed you aren't.