DH's cousin's wife is getting on my nerves, trying to line up shifts for me at her charity shop when I retire, and trying to get me to join her walking group! AIBU to ask you fine people how the heck I can deal with her?!!!

[GoldAndSilverBells]

This is doing my head in, and I just wondered how to handle it.

I am due to retire soon. May possibly be early next year. (Luckily, I am retiring a few years earlier than I thought I would be able to - at 60.)

DH's cousin's wife, works for a charity shop, and is the Deputy Manager, and all she has banged on about, since DH decided to mention (about 3 months ago,) that I may be retiring soon is how wonderful it is that they'll have an extra pair of hands in the charity shop, and has told me to let her know when I retire, so she can pop me on the rota!

I mean, WTF? I have worked since I was 16, so about 43 years, with no break, other than 2 maternity leaves of 4 months each (and they're not holidays,) and she has me lined up for work in her shop. 'I'm sure we can squeeze a couple of 8 hour shifts a week out of you!' she said smugly the other day.

She is also trying to get me to join her 'walking group.' She lives 7 miles away, and it's her village walking group, so I would have to drive there every time (it's twice a week.) I love walking but HATE doing it in groups. Prefer to do it alone. Sometimes with DH, or my DC, occasionally a friend, but NOT in a big group. There's 25 or so of them, and I like to walk at my own pace, and on my own chosen routes.

I could honestly cuss DH for telling her. Me retiring is none of her business! It's OK for her, up to 2 years ago (she's aged 56 now,) she has always been a homemaker/stay at home mum, (and has had no children at home for the past 12 years and was still a homemaker for another 10 years before getting this charity shop job..) There's nothing wrong with being a homemaker if it suits both of you in the couple.... But basically she has never had to work... I am looking forward to a chance to just do ....... nothing, as I have worked nearly 43 years!

Well, maybe sit in the garden reading, going for walks, (not in big groups!) and looking around the shops, and going to the woodlands, doing some gardening, writing poetry, and just doing what I want to, after 43 years of work. OK, the last 28 have been part time - 20 to 22 hours a week, but I was raising a family as well as working part time, (our DC left around 6-7 years ago,) and I am looking forward to the total freedom, and not having to do anything, unless I want to, and I don't want DH's bossy cousin's wife arranging my life for me. (DH is planning on retiring about 2 years after me......)

So far, I have just been like 'err, ha ha, errrm, well...' and she's moved on to the next subject (we see her maybe once every 3-4 weeks.) DH said I just need to tell her NO, but how can I word it without sounding horrible? She is really bossy, and I am quite placid and quiet.. Upshot is I am not working in the charity shop because I don't want to, OR joining the 'walking group!' I hate big group gatherings, and am a free spirit, and always get lost in these groups and ignored, because I'm fairly quiet.

HELP! How can I deal with this? I'm so annoyed that I have to!!!

I tried saying 'No' to a pushy friend, she said 'Why not?'

I said 'Because I don't want to', she said 'But why don't you want to?'

And so on and on it went........

The MN saying 'No is a complete sentence' just doesn't cut it with some people, I had to end the friendship. Not so easy when you're related though OP. Do not give way ever. x

This is not a big deal - surely at this stage of life you can open your mouth and not let yourself be railroaded. My response would be "Good God, no! I have been working for 40+ years and can't wait to take it easy for a while! If ever I wish to join your 'rota' I will let you know."

Isn't it just?! Yet some people do it.

I'm going to make a bet with myself right now, that she will NOT target my husband when he retires in Summer 2028!

Some people do love to volunteer women for things. Especially helping/care duties! A lot more than men.

dont wait for her to mention it next time, misinterpret what she’s been saying and go on the attack - “oh Julie, I’ve been meaning to say, thank you so much for the idea of volunteering in a charity shop when I retire. I’ve been in touch with a couple near me and am all set. I’ve also thought about your walking group idea and found a couple near [name of your village], your one wouldn’t work for me as I’d have to get over to [her village], but it’s a great idea for me to meet other retirees in [your village name]. Thanks, I don’t really need to fill my time but I would be keen to meet more retired people in my village.”

any attempt to sign you up for her ones “it’s a good idea but I’d only want to volunteer /join a walking group in my village/town.”

when you do finally retire you can be definitely planning to do these things but gosh you’ve got lots of things/jobs you’ve put off until retirement to work through first and if you fill up your time before they’ve completed you’ll never get them done, but you are definitely going to take on board her ideas and do those in your area.

@GoldAndSilverBells

I know that being assertive can be difficult, but it's the only option here. I think telling her over WhatsApp is a good idea, and you may find you feel a lot better after doing so.

You could just say something simple and direct, such as:

"Just to make sure there's no misunderstanding, I won't volunteer in the shop and I won't be joining the walking group."

Don't look at it as 'being strong'.

Saying no to something you're choosing not to do, is just being 'normal'.

You will have done it millions of times in the last 60 years.

Hi Mrs busybody, I will not be working in your shop or joining your walking group. I have already planned my own retirement after 43 years hard work.

Exactly this. A lot of people have said 'just say no, why U such a wet lettuce etc etc,' and I know they do have a bit of a point, and I do appreciate everyone's responses. But sometimes, just saying NO is not as easy as some people make it out to be, and the reaction from some people is hard to deal with. Sometimes you do get to a point where you have to be very firm to the point of being a bit arsey.

Thanks again everyone. Have to pop out now. Will be back later. 😘 So please don't think I'm being rude if I don't post for a few hours. xx

x

No, I have other plans for my retirement. Repeat if needed.

The best piece of advice I was ever given was not to rush into doing an extension/ building work when I moved. ‘Live in it first for a while , because you might find that you don’t want what you think you want’. Absolutely right

I reckon retirement is the same. You need to let it develop and evolve naturally rather than rush into anything. So tell her you won’t be committing to anything

Yes some people won’t let these things go, if you say “because I don’t think I’d enjoy it.” They can counter with “but you don’t know until you try.” Such people need a reason for your no.

being busy with mystery other things is often the best way.

I've worked for 43 years and now I'm going to enjoy chilling so I certainly won't be working for nothing in your shop thanks.

Walking groups are not my thing thanks. I prefer walking alone or just with DH.

That's just about the worst thing you can say to a person like this and lying won't help.

What's to thank her for? Nothing. OP didn't ask her to help her fill her time.

OP is technically able to volunteer, but she doesn't want to. That's the truth and it's fair enough. Saying she's unable to would be a lie.

Does she need a break for her health? She hasn't said that she does. She wants a break because she's earned a break and to say it's for her health would be another lie.

Why on earth should she "let her know" anything? It's not her business but saying that makes it her business and leaves the door wide open for further interference.

I pinched this from a T-Shirt but I rather like it:
I don't want to
I don't have to
And you can't make me!

Nothing you can say will be as rude or presumptuous as she's being so if she acts horrified at your tone, you can refer her back to what she's already said.

You need to try to stop worrying about not being liked by people you don't like yourself. People pleasing doesn't make you likeable, nobody actually likes people pleasers, they just use them for 16 hours a week of free labour. Donate to the charity if it eases your conscience.

This is where you need to woman up! If you find it hard to be assertive, this will be a good start. Then it gets easier because nothing awful will have happened and this woman will stop mithering you.

This is so true. X 💯

Why on earth would she say this?

A firm but breezy “I can’t imagine anything worse 😂, thank you though”

she can hardly come back to that can she

As my mother used to say. "think like a man". That is don't be a pleaser.
In this case look her in the eye and say "Not likely! I have plans of my own".
Then you spend 10 minutes or 2 hours telling her about your plans.
You repeat this explanation every time you see her.

Exactly. The more explanations or excuses you offer the more room people have to manipulate. Just "no that doesn't work for me / no, I'm not interested in that / no, that's not something I want to do"

Make your stance clear.

So far, I have just been like 'err, ha ha, errrm, well...'

Why have you said that instead of ‘Haha, yeah, thanks but I’m actually not planning on doing anything like that. I’ve got loads of plans for filling my time and I’m definitely not looking for voluntary work or groups to join - I’m actually really looking forward to having no timetable for the first time ever! I’m not someone who gets bored without structure.’

Why would it be rude to say ‘no thanks, not for me’? And why you blaming your DH for any of this?!

'Ah thanks, but I won't be able to cos I don't want to commit to anything'

If she persists 'Don't keep asking me, I won't change my mind haha!'

Then silence or completely ignore and change subject if she tries again. Don't take her on.

For some people it’s genuinely hard to just say no.
so say
‘yes, thanks Janet. I’ll think about it. My plan is to have a least a year off with no commitments before I think about what I want to do. Ive worked 43 years so I’m gonna have a big break first and really please myself’ And smile at her - right in her eyes!

I would strongly recommend you seek some coaching as soon as you can.

At 60 and retiring, you really need the life skill to be able to say "absolutely not" and " No, that won't suit me".

Therapy will help you find out where that comes from.

It is very freeing to be able to say No.

I would also be mentioning trading down and moving further away as a possible long term goal, or spending long periods over the winter months in the sun.

Women unable to say No, often spend retirement as carer's and childcare for those around them.

My lovely neighbour had an older sister like this that she wasn't close to.
Her nephew by chance moved close by and suddenly he and his wife landed in expecting DIY and that she, recently retired would be their babysitter and emergency care number.

Her sister actually told them she would love it now that she would have time on her hands.

She put them so straight and hasn't spoken to her sister since.

She was only just finally enjoying an empty house after raising 4 children and them having lived at home post university for a couple of years.