DH's cousin's wife is getting on my nerves, trying to line up shifts for me at her charity shop when I retire, and trying to get me to join her walking group! AIBU to ask you fine people how the heck I can deal with her?!!!

[GoldAndSilverBells]

This is doing my head in, and I just wondered how to handle it.

I am due to retire soon. May possibly be early next year. (Luckily, I am retiring a few years earlier than I thought I would be able to - at 60.)

DH's cousin's wife, works for a charity shop, and is the Deputy Manager, and all she has banged on about, since DH decided to mention (about 3 months ago,) that I may be retiring soon is how wonderful it is that they'll have an extra pair of hands in the charity shop, and has told me to let her know when I retire, so she can pop me on the rota!

I mean, WTF? I have worked since I was 16, so about 43 years, with no break, other than 2 maternity leaves of 4 months each (and they're not holidays,) and she has me lined up for work in her shop. 'I'm sure we can squeeze a couple of 8 hour shifts a week out of you!' she said smugly the other day.

She is also trying to get me to join her 'walking group.' She lives 7 miles away, and it's her village walking group, so I would have to drive there every time (it's twice a week.) I love walking but HATE doing it in groups. Prefer to do it alone. Sometimes with DH, or my DC, occasionally a friend, but NOT in a big group. There's 25 or so of them, and I like to walk at my own pace, and on my own chosen routes.

I could honestly cuss DH for telling her. Me retiring is none of her business! It's OK for her, up to 2 years ago (she's aged 56 now,) she has always been a homemaker/stay at home mum, (and has had no children at home for the past 12 years and was still a homemaker for another 10 years before getting this charity shop job..) There's nothing wrong with being a homemaker if it suits both of you in the couple.... But basically she has never had to work... I am looking forward to a chance to just do ....... nothing, as I have worked nearly 43 years!

Well, maybe sit in the garden reading, going for walks, (not in big groups!) and looking around the shops, and going to the woodlands, doing some gardening, writing poetry, and just doing what I want to, after 43 years of work. OK, the last 28 have been part time - 20 to 22 hours a week, but I was raising a family as well as working part time, (our DC left around 6-7 years ago,) and I am looking forward to the total freedom, and not having to do anything, unless I want to, and I don't want DH's bossy cousin's wife arranging my life for me. (DH is planning on retiring about 2 years after me......)

So far, I have just been like 'err, ha ha, errrm, well...' and she's moved on to the next subject (we see her maybe once every 3-4 weeks.) DH said I just need to tell her NO, but how can I word it without sounding horrible? She is really bossy, and I am quite placid and quiet.. Upshot is I am not working in the charity shop because I don't want to, OR joining the 'walking group!' I hate big group gatherings, and am a free spirit, and always get lost in these groups and ignored, because I'm fairly quiet.

HELP! How can I deal with this? I'm so annoyed that I have to!!!

This is incorrect the best thing to say is’Thanks for asking but I don’t want to do that’

its not rude and there is no way around it. If you pretend you are busy doing something else the person asking is still left believing that you would like to do it if you could.

I think it’s weird when people are so nervous about what people might think that they can’t be polite but honest. It’s not rude or blunt. It’s straightforward and honest. It means people around you don’t have to guess and second guess what you are thinking.

Have of the threads in Mumsnet would disappear if people were more straightforward and honest.
I know it’s not always easy but it’s easier than dancing around making excuses or lying.

No. If she says she'll "think about it" this woman will never give up. She needs to say no.
It's an important thing to learn for many women.

Love this.

I bet you're right. But you could use that to both deflect her and gently wind her up at the same time. "Sorry that doesn't fit my plans. BUT DH is also retiring in a couple of years so maybe take it up with him?"

Just echoing pp - it's not rude to say no to this kind of thing.

When you assert yourself and say no, it's the BEST feeling! You feel in control! It's great.

i know exactly what you mean, OP. It can be very difficult especially if it’s out of character for you. I guarantee you will feel much better once you’ve nipped it in the bud. Often with people like her they don’t take offence at the rebuttal as they’ve got hindsight like rhinos.
enjoy whatever you choose to do :-)

OP, you're reaching retirement. Surely by now you know how to say no to people and not be railroaded into doing something you don't want to do?!!

She's a bully!

Enjoy a lovely, relaxing retirement full of only things you want to do.

What a drama!

I don't get this complete inability of so many people to merely say "no thanks" and just repeat if necessary. Nothing further is required.

Try it. Its easier than you think.

I would just say " oh Sue ,no way! I am going to have a good rest .(My Cousin knew a lady who said when asked about her retirement plans "Im going to do nothing at all and Im not starting that until lunchtime!" Having worked for 40 years now looking forward to that. Rinse and repeat.

I think a longer answer is fine (because in spite of what MN thinks, "no" can be psychotic and unsocial rather than a complete sentence).

But you shouldn't leave any doors open to maybe changing your mind in a year etc, because you'll only end up batting her off in a year.

You can change your mind if you want when you're good and ready (though I'd avoid volunteering with her), but leave the ball in your own court.

Just tell her "I am giving up working for money, I'm sure as hell not working for free"

You just have to find a backbone and say no. What’s the worst outcome? You saying no and not doing it or you failing to say no and working in the charity shop twice a week? Your choice.

“No thank you, I don’t want to. I don’t want to walk or work or anything else. DH will be retiring soon ask him instead. 😇”

Why do you try and be nice to someone who doesn't respect you?

You absolutely do not and should not worry about being perceived as arsey to some one who fails to respect your polite no.

Sometimes being arsey is the APPROPRIATE response precisely because that is the only response they will take notice of.

'But why don't you want to?'

if you want to engage, you can always ask ‘why does it matter?’, and turn it around and ‘but why?’ them back.

Or simply say ‘it doesn’t matter, I said no. Now drop it’. You don’t have to engage with repeated questioning.

I understand that some people feel awkward and uncomfortable about saying no, but that’s a personal problem that’s worth tackling. Any awkwardness has been created by the person being pushy in the first place, so let them sit in it.

I said ‘think about what I want to do’.
not
Ill think about it

Ok my bad, but you did actually write "I'll think about it", maybe that was a typo

I don’t understand how you’ve held down a job if you can’t say no. Grow a backbone and just say it! If she goes on say you already have my answer.

If you are not prepared to say no then stop posting about it as none of us can help you, and you will end up filling up your retirement with her activities.

Talk about a wet blanket….

If you're going the WhatsApp route, I suggest something like: "Hi DHCousin, you've brought up my retirement plans several times since DH mentioned it to you, so before it gets awkward I want to be very clear that I will not be volunteering in the shop or joining the village walking group. It's kind of you to think of me but I'm looking forward to retiring with no commitments and plenty of time to pursue my own interests. Looking forward to seeing you at Auntie Mabel's summer BBQ x"

No sorry I cant commit to that. I've got my own plans. Some folk really are really forceful.

Just say no then! Why the ummming and ahhhing?

Just tell her you're not doing that and to please stop organising your life for you. It's not hard.

YABU to make such a drama out of this.

Say no? Or fuck off, Hilary! The end 😀

OP, you’ve had a mixture of responses and some of them advocate being very blunt. It sounds as if you might not be comfortable with that.

How about something on the lines of…. ‘Thanks for all the ideas Mildred but retiring is a big life change. I’m going to take the summer to find the new me and explore all sorts of options for my retirement. If any of your suggestions feel like a good fit I’ll get back to you but I don’t want to jump into anything until I know what I really want to do with my time. Now, is it too early to discuss Christmas ? ‘