DH's cousin's wife is getting on my nerves, trying to line up shifts for me at her charity shop when I retire, and trying to get me to join her walking group! AIBU to ask you fine people how the heck I can deal with her?!!!

[GoldAndSilverBells]

This is doing my head in, and I just wondered how to handle it.

I am due to retire soon. May possibly be early next year. (Luckily, I am retiring a few years earlier than I thought I would be able to - at 60.)

DH's cousin's wife, works for a charity shop, and is the Deputy Manager, and all she has banged on about, since DH decided to mention (about 3 months ago,) that I may be retiring soon is how wonderful it is that they'll have an extra pair of hands in the charity shop, and has told me to let her know when I retire, so she can pop me on the rota!

I mean, WTF? I have worked since I was 16, so about 43 years, with no break, other than 2 maternity leaves of 4 months each (and they're not holidays,) and she has me lined up for work in her shop. 'I'm sure we can squeeze a couple of 8 hour shifts a week out of you!' she said smugly the other day.

She is also trying to get me to join her 'walking group.' She lives 7 miles away, and it's her village walking group, so I would have to drive there every time (it's twice a week.) I love walking but HATE doing it in groups. Prefer to do it alone. Sometimes with DH, or my DC, occasionally a friend, but NOT in a big group. There's 25 or so of them, and I like to walk at my own pace, and on my own chosen routes.

I could honestly cuss DH for telling her. Me retiring is none of her business! It's OK for her, up to 2 years ago (she's aged 56 now,) she has always been a homemaker/stay at home mum, (and has had no children at home for the past 12 years and was still a homemaker for another 10 years before getting this charity shop job..) There's nothing wrong with being a homemaker if it suits both of you in the couple.... But basically she has never had to work... I am looking forward to a chance to just do ....... nothing, as I have worked nearly 43 years!

Well, maybe sit in the garden reading, going for walks, (not in big groups!) and looking around the shops, and going to the woodlands, doing some gardening, writing poetry, and just doing what I want to, after 43 years of work. OK, the last 28 have been part time - 20 to 22 hours a week, but I was raising a family as well as working part time, (our DC left around 6-7 years ago,) and I am looking forward to the total freedom, and not having to do anything, unless I want to, and I don't want DH's bossy cousin's wife arranging my life for me. (DH is planning on retiring about 2 years after me......)

So far, I have just been like 'err, ha ha, errrm, well...' and she's moved on to the next subject (we see her maybe once every 3-4 weeks.) DH said I just need to tell her NO, but how can I word it without sounding horrible? She is really bossy, and I am quite placid and quiet.. Upshot is I am not working in the charity shop because I don't want to, OR joining the 'walking group!' I hate big group gatherings, and am a free spirit, and always get lost in these groups and ignored, because I'm fairly quiet.

HELP! How can I deal with this? I'm so annoyed that I have to!!!

I know right. I shudder at the very thought of being in a massive 25-26 strong walking group. I HATE big social groups anyway, and this is one of my worst nightmares! 😬

It just amazes me why so many people, who have never walked for pleasure, think that joining a rambling/walking group is the number one thing they'll do when they retire.

Ditto working in a charity shop for a charity that has not been a priority for you your entire life. Sure, if you have a passion for kittens working in the PDSA shop might be the dream - but why otherwise?

This is perfect!

Yeah exactly. As I said earlier, I do not want to say like, 'maybe one day...' It has to be NEVER.

Its hard to be sympathetic to people who don't have the backbone to say that they have their own plans for retirement and those plans don't include working for free in a shop!

She is the one being rude, although if I were feeling charitable, I'd say that she enjoys it so much that she can't imaging that you wouldn't. But as you say, you've had to work for years and want a well earned rest. You honestly aren't being rude by having that conversation.

Once women are not in the workplace, society often takes a view that our time is up for grabs, a free for all to be divvied out according to other people's needs and preferences. You won't have the retirement of your dreams if you can't learn to advocate for yourself and say no.
I managed to do it with PTA types and working women who wanted childcare support when I was a sahp. It gets easier the more you do it!

Or "currently, I have no intention of doing either of those things, but thanks anyway and I'll let you know if anything changes and I want to join you"

Ah @GoldAndSilverBells I hear you. You've earned that time to stay in bed, potter in the garden, go for coffee etc and essentially decide what you are going to do with your day as you eat breakfast.
With this relative, and possibly other friends, they are a bit like chuggers or double glazing salesmen from the 80s. They've been programmed to only stop pestering you about their cause when you sign on the dotted line.
Be like a broken record. "Lovely idea but no." "I have other plans for my retirement and will be too busy." Or - as others have said - Just Say No.

I’m always completely baffled by these threads. Why can’t people just say, haha, yeah no thanks, and be done with it?

Yeah, exactly, it is still 2 full shifts a week.

And yes, she is paid, she is salaried. (She's Deputy Manager.) She still expects me to work for free though. Ha ha LOL!

With someone who is 'bossy' like this, and you cannot leave any room for doubt.

Send a text to say "Hi Brenda, it is important you know now, that I when I retire I will not be taking on voluntary work or joining any activity groups. Sorry if that disappoints you, I have other plans."

However you should expect some push back - trying to guilt trip you about the pressure she's under and how hard it is to recruit volunteers or telling you what fun the walking group is and how everyone is dying to meet you. When you resist she may demand to know what you are going to do with your time, try and cajole you to do 'just one half day a week'.

You need to have a ready list of the firm phrases you will use in response (lots of examples in previous posts - write them down and practice them). Both to reply over text, and to respond in person. Don't explain or excuse yourself, simply reiterate that you won't be available for either activity.

You are under no obligation to tell her what your plans might be. The less said the better. If you say you're joining a gardening group or learning something new or helping your dc with childcare, she's likely to say something along the lines of 'well you still have Tuesday afternoons free..' or 'surely you can squeeze in a couple of hours here and there'.

Absolutely do not say you'll see how it goes in retirement or she'll never be off your back. And once you do retire expect that there might be an emergency call when a regular volunteer is on holiday, or breaks her wrist or whatever, asking you to help out 'just this once'. As a manager of volunteers she should know that it is always best in every sense to have willing volunteers who get something out of the activity / resonate with the cause etc.

Of course she may be cross, but that is not your responsibility. You really need to get on top of this now, and learn to be assertive or your retirement is going to be a constant struggle. Do not give in. Have the retirement that you want.

So tell her you'll never be doing it because it's not your thing 🤷‍♂️

That's not rude, it's just perfectly normal conversation.

If someone told me they were going to book me in for a parachute jump, it wouldn't be rude of me to tell them not to, because I absolutely won't be doing it.

It is absolutely preposterous of anybody to believe they have the right to fill someone else's time in this way

Just laugh and say I'll be far too busy enjoying myself.

Thanks @moderndilemma That's very helpful! Thanks to everyone else too. Sorry to not respond to everyone, I wasn't expecting so many responses!

Then that's what you need to say. Don't give her a millimetre of space on this.
It's a no.
Don't apologise, don't explain.

Yes! You really need to match her energy.

Get your big girl pants on, and bite the bullet. Next she mentions the job say that you are ‘retiring’, not taking on more work, voluntary or paid, and rambling isn’t for you, but thank her for the invite. Then change the subject and deflect.

Good luck with your retirement. Just be clear with her in a firm but polite way. By text will be easier.

I can sort of sympathise with her pov in some ways. A significant minority of retired people - used to hover around 30% - develop depression, anxiety and stress related to retirement specifically. I used to work as a practitioner in a service which had an outreach project for people who were experiencing this. Three of the key ways to combat these common challenges are exercise, socialising and volunteering. Of course, you're not interested in this woman's brand of support and are under no obligation to humour her. But she may very well have good intentions. Or she may be a CF as you say.

Happy retirement. I hope it's the fantastic reward you deserve.

You deserve it to yourself to stand up and say what you want or don't want. Your retirement is a great time to be kinder and stop people pleasing.

Next time they bring it up, I would say it has been mentioned a few times and you won't be doing that. Don't give excuses, that makes it seem like a negotiation.

You could text. Then the next conversation would be to stop talking about it and not to bring it up again.

Rip the bandaid off.

“Oh honey, you do you but neither of those options appeals to me in the slightest”

It's the voice of bitter experience!

But it sounds like your dh has got your back on this too, and won't accept any nonsense either.

When can I put you on my charity shop rota?
You: Goodness, please don’t! I’ve worked without a break since I was 18 so I’m really looking forward to not having to work anywhere and finding some time for myself.

Great, I’ll sign you up for my walking group.
You: No thank you, I’m not a fan of walking groups.

or …. Just say no thank you to each / any suggestion.

It’s not hard!

Thank you. As you say, you can't give people like this a single millimetre, let alone an inch! I'm going to have to be strong and bite the bullet and just bloody tell her. I think it's going to be by WhatsApp, because I'm not seeing her for a couple of weeks now.

OP, I get it. I grew up with the idea that other people’s wishes took precedence over my own, which led to me being a people pleaser, doing a lot of things I hated and resenting people. Saying no is something you really have to practise if you’re not used to it.

Right now, I’m perimenopausal, which helps - I feel generally pissed off a lot of the time and give zero shits whether people like me or not. Really, what is Cousin’s Wife going to do if she doesn’t get her way? Likely she’ll be a bit sniffy and passive aggressive, and she’ll probably complain about you to her husband and yours, but really, there’s nothing she can actually do to you. Think of her like a spoiled child: she’s got to learn that she can’t have everything she wants.

So, you say no. You tell her you will be filling your time as you choose, and the charity shop is not for you. If she whines to your DH, he says “She doesn’t want to do it”. That’s it. No excuses. Just no. Same as you would with a whiny child.

Is her DH aware of her pushiness? Would he be of any help to you if she continues to insist?

Don’t even bother answering, it only gives her something to argue about. Just keep deflecting with a ‘that’s nice dear’ and do nothing. Tune her out.

your life will be much better when you learn to tune out all the people who have no power over your life.