DH's cousin's wife is getting on my nerves, trying to line up shifts for me at her charity shop when I retire, and trying to get me to join her walking group! AIBU to ask you fine people how the heck I can deal with her?!!!

[GoldAndSilverBells]

This is doing my head in, and I just wondered how to handle it.

I am due to retire soon. May possibly be early next year. (Luckily, I am retiring a few years earlier than I thought I would be able to - at 60.)

DH's cousin's wife, works for a charity shop, and is the Deputy Manager, and all she has banged on about, since DH decided to mention (about 3 months ago,) that I may be retiring soon is how wonderful it is that they'll have an extra pair of hands in the charity shop, and has told me to let her know when I retire, so she can pop me on the rota!

I mean, WTF? I have worked since I was 16, so about 43 years, with no break, other than 2 maternity leaves of 4 months each (and they're not holidays,) and she has me lined up for work in her shop. 'I'm sure we can squeeze a couple of 8 hour shifts a week out of you!' she said smugly the other day.

She is also trying to get me to join her 'walking group.' She lives 7 miles away, and it's her village walking group, so I would have to drive there every time (it's twice a week.) I love walking but HATE doing it in groups. Prefer to do it alone. Sometimes with DH, or my DC, occasionally a friend, but NOT in a big group. There's 25 or so of them, and I like to walk at my own pace, and on my own chosen routes.

I could honestly cuss DH for telling her. Me retiring is none of her business! It's OK for her, up to 2 years ago (she's aged 56 now,) she has always been a homemaker/stay at home mum, (and has had no children at home for the past 12 years and was still a homemaker for another 10 years before getting this charity shop job..) There's nothing wrong with being a homemaker if it suits both of you in the couple.... But basically she has never had to work... I am looking forward to a chance to just do ....... nothing, as I have worked nearly 43 years!

Well, maybe sit in the garden reading, going for walks, (not in big groups!) and looking around the shops, and going to the woodlands, doing some gardening, writing poetry, and just doing what I want to, after 43 years of work. OK, the last 28 have been part time - 20 to 22 hours a week, but I was raising a family as well as working part time, (our DC left around 6-7 years ago,) and I am looking forward to the total freedom, and not having to do anything, unless I want to, and I don't want DH's bossy cousin's wife arranging my life for me. (DH is planning on retiring about 2 years after me......)

So far, I have just been like 'err, ha ha, errrm, well...' and she's moved on to the next subject (we see her maybe once every 3-4 weeks.) DH said I just need to tell her NO, but how can I word it without sounding horrible? She is really bossy, and I am quite placid and quiet.. Upshot is I am not working in the charity shop because I don't want to, OR joining the 'walking group!' I hate big group gatherings, and am a free spirit, and always get lost in these groups and ignored, because I'm fairly quiet.

HELP! How can I deal with this? I'm so annoyed that I have to!!!

"that won't work for me. Have you seen next door's dahlias, they're amazing!?"

You laugh and say ‘Oh Janice they’re not my cup of tea at all I’m afraid so I won’t be doing either of those.’

Tell her not to include you in her life, as you'll be taking a rest for a while, to decide what your retirement will look like.

What a cheek she's got, trying to organise you. You're not a project. Tell her to get a life🙄

Why on earth would she do this?

The woman needs a definite 'no' or she'll never stop nagging.

The OP has already made a decision now.

Let that person be you.

Dear Doreen,

Thank you for your invitation to join your walking group and work in your charity shop.

I would rather die.

Your sincerely,
Me

She’s not really a CF though is she OP?

you are just incapable of declining what are on the face of it reasonable offers to keep you occupied.

I think your view is obscured by the fact you view your past decades as significantly more taxing than hers. Potentially they were but all she has done is invited you to a social event and try to sign you up for some volunteering. Both things that many retirees want to do.

just use your words and say no thanks 🤷‍♀️

Exactly. It's not my problem if she is being badgered by her boss to recruit more people to work - for FREE - in the charity shop, and the walking group has not got a lack of members, there are 25 people in it!

Longest thread title ever !

No, she really IS a cheeky fucker. 😆

I didn’t read that you hadn’t actually said no.

This is all your fault then and you have to say no.

So, don't fob her off, don't apologise, don't indicate that it'll be a possibility in the future.
You are not interested in either activity. That is all.

It’s my idea of absolute hell walking in a group listening to people talking all at once and scaring the wildlife away

DH got you into this Sounds like his problem to deal with. Tell him you don't want to hear anything else about it.

(But YABU to couch it in terms of you working hard part time and her not working. You're allowed to just retire in peace without comparison.)

Ok but why can't you just say no, you're not interested?

I had similar coming up to my retirement. I am not a joiner of anything really I don't need that kind of stimulation as I find it in other ways that completely satisfy me.

So, when badgered to do this and that by a (I suppose well meaning) retired colleague/sort of friend I really had to bite the bullet, she was getting on my nerves so so much!

I'm afraid I kind of lost it one day and said (along the lines of..)

Joan, stop trying to organise my life for me, I'm quite capable of doing that myself and I won't be joining anything. Now leave me alone thanks. See you at the next coffee morning with the retired gang, love etc.

I said it to her face BTW not by text. She lamely tried one more time, and I repeated the above. No problems since, we still meet at the retired coffee mornings once every few months. I owe her nothing.

We are autonomous beings and can decide what we want all by ourselves, imagine that. Yippee!

Maybe there’s something else she has done that makes you think so? But you haven’t articulated it on this thread.

you say she’s the sort of person who needs someone to be firm, yet you haven’t said no at all. Stop being such a wet lettuce and decline.

if you hate her and she’s an awful person, tell her you’d rather die than spend time with her, or helping her charity.

If not just say group walks and charity volunteering aren’t for you. But complaining about someone being over exuberant in inviting you to events /to participate in community when you can even muster the courage to say “no thanks” is bizarre

Enjoy your retirement, if you struggle to say ‘hell no’ just smile vaguely and don’t commit.

Clearly you need to say no to her to both things - probably easier to do in a text and then don't look at your phone for a while. How did you get to this age without being able to say no?

Tell her that after you retire you need a period of adjustment for at least 6 months doing absolutely nothing. But after that you may think about it. When topic comes up again say you thought about it and it’s a ‘no’.
i can highly recommend retirement. Even after 10 uears every day is a holiday 👌

I'm due to retire shortly and people keep saying to me 'Ohh we'll be able to set a regular date to have coffee/do a stained glass workshop/create our own Bake Off club/have you round to look after my children".

My answer to everyone is this - I am doing NOTHING for the first year of my retirement. I want to see what develops'.

It's worked a dream. Nobody has asked a second time.

She'll never be left alone. This is a time for assertiveness.

Regarding the charity shop 'No thanks.' A full day's shift in a charity shop is quite tiring; I know, because I've done it. Seven hours sorting and tagging used clothing or standing behind a till is hard work.

Is she paid a salary, as deputy manager? Most charity shops actually have paid staff in that position.

Then she'll say "oh just do four hours..." Or whatever.
This woman needs to be told "no".

This is daft because it just invites hope and more conversation.

Lies are never better than the truth and the truth is, the OP won't ever be doing it.

So she needs to tell her now.