DH's cousin's wife is getting on my nerves, trying to line up shifts for me at her charity shop when I retire, and trying to get me to join her walking group! AIBU to ask you fine people how the heck I can deal with her?!!!

[GoldAndSilverBells]

This is doing my head in, and I just wondered how to handle it.

I am due to retire soon. May possibly be early next year. (Luckily, I am retiring a few years earlier than I thought I would be able to - at 60.)

DH's cousin's wife, works for a charity shop, and is the Deputy Manager, and all she has banged on about, since DH decided to mention (about 3 months ago,) that I may be retiring soon is how wonderful it is that they'll have an extra pair of hands in the charity shop, and has told me to let her know when I retire, so she can pop me on the rota!

I mean, WTF? I have worked since I was 16, so about 43 years, with no break, other than 2 maternity leaves of 4 months each (and they're not holidays,) and she has me lined up for work in her shop. 'I'm sure we can squeeze a couple of 8 hour shifts a week out of you!' she said smugly the other day.

She is also trying to get me to join her 'walking group.' She lives 7 miles away, and it's her village walking group, so I would have to drive there every time (it's twice a week.) I love walking but HATE doing it in groups. Prefer to do it alone. Sometimes with DH, or my DC, occasionally a friend, but NOT in a big group. There's 25 or so of them, and I like to walk at my own pace, and on my own chosen routes.

I could honestly cuss DH for telling her. Me retiring is none of her business! It's OK for her, up to 2 years ago (she's aged 56 now,) she has always been a homemaker/stay at home mum, (and has had no children at home for the past 12 years and was still a homemaker for another 10 years before getting this charity shop job..) There's nothing wrong with being a homemaker if it suits both of you in the couple.... But basically she has never had to work... I am looking forward to a chance to just do ....... nothing, as I have worked nearly 43 years!

Well, maybe sit in the garden reading, going for walks, (not in big groups!) and looking around the shops, and going to the woodlands, doing some gardening, writing poetry, and just doing what I want to, after 43 years of work. OK, the last 28 have been part time - 20 to 22 hours a week, but I was raising a family as well as working part time, (our DC left around 6-7 years ago,) and I am looking forward to the total freedom, and not having to do anything, unless I want to, and I don't want DH's bossy cousin's wife arranging my life for me. (DH is planning on retiring about 2 years after me......)

So far, I have just been like 'err, ha ha, errrm, well...' and she's moved on to the next subject (we see her maybe once every 3-4 weeks.) DH said I just need to tell her NO, but how can I word it without sounding horrible? She is really bossy, and I am quite placid and quiet.. Upshot is I am not working in the charity shop because I don't want to, OR joining the 'walking group!' I hate big group gatherings, and am a free spirit, and always get lost in these groups and ignored, because I'm fairly quiet.

HELP! How can I deal with this? I'm so annoyed that I have to!!!

and so needed bringing down a peg or two.

And those are the key words here. It is overkill for the task of saying "no" because actually the intention is twofold: it is to say no AND "bring her down a peg or two." The overkill is focused on that latter intention.

Yes, this is fine.

But "that doesn't work for me AND I don't even know why you dared to suggest it would" is overkill imho - and isn't needed to simply shut down the suggestion.

It's intended to go further than merely shutting it down in order to punish her or "take her down a peg."

Some people may feel the need to do that, but OP needs to consider going forward whether she is one of them, or just wants to close down the discussion.

Not sure what you’re talking about to be honest. The way I see it is the woman is a complete cheeky fucker piss taker and needs a firm, assertive response. Just laughing it off and being polite doesn’t usually work with these type of people.

“As the OP hadn't said no at any point when the subject has been raised, then the other woman isn't unreasonable to think that the OP is agreeable to volunteering in the charity shop.”

It doesn’t matter what the op didn’t say! The point is that the woman thought she could dictate op’s retirement. Op shouldn’t be even put in that position in the first place. What made her think that op wants to work 2 x 8 hour shifts a week in a charity shop during her retirement?

When I retire after 43 years of working I’m taking a well a well deserved break from working. I won’t be volunteering for shops or groups. I hope that isn’t too disappointing- but I’ve earned this and I’m looking forward to exploring my own interest again.

I think this is a really good, short message complete with " I hope this isn't too disappointing" which I think is a very well-formulated softening phrase.

Well others do know what I'm talking about, because they've agreed.

Why is she a cheeky fucker for suggesting a couple of activities that the OP might want to take up in retirement? Activities that many retired people enjoy, btw - there's nothing weird or onerous about what she has suggested.

The person who's created this awkward situation is the OP because by not simply saying, thanks but no thanks, she has given the impression that she is actually interested in doing what the other woman has suggested, so the other woman has quite naturally continued to talk about how the OP can do the things that she thinks the OP wants to do because the OP hasn't said otherwise!

The OP hasn't even attempted to laugh it off politely - so no-one knows how the other woman would have responded to that.

Good for them. But I’m sticking to what I’ve already said 😊

@Flyingintotheunknown the OP gave her the idea that she wasn't opposed to both. The cousin mentioned it and the OP didn't say no, so the cousin talked about it further and the OP listened without saying no. So the cousin formed something definite, thinking she was interested. Now she's got rudeness back.
I've found over the years this is what happens with 'people pleasers', who actually please no-one, because you don't know where you stand with them. Or people who can't say no, they end up being unnecessarily nasty/rude and blow things out of proportion. It's fine to ask people things, it's on the other person to say they aren't interested. How many people are upset when not asked about things/places, we have thread after thread, but when someone asks, suddenly they are the worst in the world.

The point is that the woman thought she could dictate op’s retirement.

But is she "thinking she could dictate?"

Or just putting it out there?

The walking group thing - not so bad

The working in charity shop during retirement? Nah sod that! Nobody comes to me and tells me I’m still going to continue working during my retirement 🤣

Well from what the op said, it sounds like the woman is planning her retirement out for her.

Either tell her if that's what retirement had in store you are having a rethink or just say thanks for thinking of me but I am not making any firm retirement plans now and want to enjoy the time off and find my own thing.

She's already sent a message.

Yes, I think there needs to be a bit of proportionality about how much this woman was actually "dictating" by simply suggesting.

I think the key here is real empowerment, not "noisy empowerment." Op doesn't have to do it. End of.

No need to take the woman "down a peg" or anything of that sort; she just has to say no thanks clearly. And not do it.

Telling the woman she had no right to suggest it is just creating drama that simply isn't needed.

The op didn’t know how to say no.

Some people may not know where they stand with people pleasers, while others continue to see their weakness and take the piss.

I think it’s common sense not to approach someone who is about to retire to suggest they continue working. If op then decided she was bored during retirement she could possibly hint that she is looking for a bit of part time work. But I would not approach someone who is at retirement age and just assume they want to spend their retirement doing what I want them to do.

Fair enough. Obviously most retirees don't work in charity shops - but stick your head round the door of pretty much any charity shop and you'll find retired people on the till, tidying shelves, sorting donations ...

All the OP had to say when it was first suggested was that she didn't fancy doing that. That's all.

Op wrote this in her response to the woman “I'm not sure how you've come to the conclusion that I want to do either one. I've never shown any interest! I have worked for over 40 years now, and am not looking to be working ever again to be honest!”

So even to ‘suggest’ to the op that she carries on working through her retirement is extremely cheeky and pushy. She has never shown any interest in the waking group or continuing working. The op has also clearly said that this woman’s boss is badgering her to find more staff to work in the charity shop so she thought she would take it upon herself to get it into her head that the op should continue to work after retirement.

I have met many retirees in my life. Most CHOOSE to do this after becoming bored during their retirement and the initial excitement of retirement has worn off. Usually because they find it difficult to have been working all their life to not doing anything at all.
Others just want to live a peaceful retirement life pottering about in the garden, reading books, going on holidays or whatever. But it’s their choice and it should not be assumed that once they retire that they have nothing better to do and so should be expected to work in charity shops by someone else just because their boss is badgering them to find more staff.

I know how you feel. Can’t stand overbearing do-gooders. You have a right to be introverted and have your own life/ make your own life choices, especially if they’re completely harmless to anyone else.

I would say- “oh god, I couldn’t think of anything worse!” If you’re more tactful than me, how about “Time for me to have a rest from work and do more of my own hobbies. Lots of people looking for work now- maybe they’d be a better choice for employment.”

Or avoid seeing her- you’re busy doing something else/ seeing someone else.

Well I have to agree with you (and OP) that I wouldn't want to work in a charity shop after retirement.

Some people do though.

The op didn’t know how to say no.

Totally agree with this.

But I suppose we are all just giving her our thoughts on HOW to say no.

I honestly feel that for a natural people-pleaser who finds saying no hard, making a bigger deal of it by being snappy or rude makes it even harder - and can trigger arguments, which genuine people-pleasers tend not to enjoy.

My advice is trust your power to refuse. You don't need to shout it or embellish it with rudeness: just be clear, with poise.

Exactly. The OP probably hasn't said that she isn't going to spend her retirement scaling Everest or trying to save shire horses from extinction (or maybe she has?!) but it doesn't give anyone a free pass to try and badger her into do those things either.

Which is pretty much what I’ve just said in the post you have quoted isn’t it? Some do but they do it through choice because they have worked all their life and feel a bit bored when they are faced with doing nothing at all, not because they have been badgered by someone who decided to take it upon themselves to decide how someone else will spend their retirement. Just because a lot of people do choose to volunteer to work in charity shops after retiring, doesn’t mean it’s the default choice for all retirees and that we should assume that they all want to do it.

“But I suppose we are all just giving her our thoughts on HOW to say no.”

And she has now plucked up the courage to do that, which people are now berating her for and telling her she was rude.

Yes people pleasers do tend to maybe make a bigger deal of it because it’s pent up frustration from struggling to say the word “no” for fear of upsetting the other person, so they end up spending their whole life going along with stuff they never agreed to or wanted to do just because it pleases someone else. I used to be like this and one day I just flipped at work because I was being expected to work all the shitty shifts, work the most hours out of everyone, didn’t even have time to do my Xmas shopping - why? Because I was too afraid to say no. Hence why I flipped one day because I couldn’t take it anymore.
That doesn’t give people the right to tell the op she is rude, she has probably dealt with a lifetime of this shit.