DH's cousin's wife is getting on my nerves, trying to line up shifts for me at her charity shop when I retire, and trying to get me to join her walking group! AIBU to ask you fine people how the heck I can deal with her?!!!

[GoldAndSilverBells]

This is doing my head in, and I just wondered how to handle it.

I am due to retire soon. May possibly be early next year. (Luckily, I am retiring a few years earlier than I thought I would be able to - at 60.)

DH's cousin's wife, works for a charity shop, and is the Deputy Manager, and all she has banged on about, since DH decided to mention (about 3 months ago,) that I may be retiring soon is how wonderful it is that they'll have an extra pair of hands in the charity shop, and has told me to let her know when I retire, so she can pop me on the rota!

I mean, WTF? I have worked since I was 16, so about 43 years, with no break, other than 2 maternity leaves of 4 months each (and they're not holidays,) and she has me lined up for work in her shop. 'I'm sure we can squeeze a couple of 8 hour shifts a week out of you!' she said smugly the other day.

She is also trying to get me to join her 'walking group.' She lives 7 miles away, and it's her village walking group, so I would have to drive there every time (it's twice a week.) I love walking but HATE doing it in groups. Prefer to do it alone. Sometimes with DH, or my DC, occasionally a friend, but NOT in a big group. There's 25 or so of them, and I like to walk at my own pace, and on my own chosen routes.

I could honestly cuss DH for telling her. Me retiring is none of her business! It's OK for her, up to 2 years ago (she's aged 56 now,) she has always been a homemaker/stay at home mum, (and has had no children at home for the past 12 years and was still a homemaker for another 10 years before getting this charity shop job..) There's nothing wrong with being a homemaker if it suits both of you in the couple.... But basically she has never had to work... I am looking forward to a chance to just do ....... nothing, as I have worked nearly 43 years!

Well, maybe sit in the garden reading, going for walks, (not in big groups!) and looking around the shops, and going to the woodlands, doing some gardening, writing poetry, and just doing what I want to, after 43 years of work. OK, the last 28 have been part time - 20 to 22 hours a week, but I was raising a family as well as working part time, (our DC left around 6-7 years ago,) and I am looking forward to the total freedom, and not having to do anything, unless I want to, and I don't want DH's bossy cousin's wife arranging my life for me. (DH is planning on retiring about 2 years after me......)

So far, I have just been like 'err, ha ha, errrm, well...' and she's moved on to the next subject (we see her maybe once every 3-4 weeks.) DH said I just need to tell her NO, but how can I word it without sounding horrible? She is really bossy, and I am quite placid and quiet.. Upshot is I am not working in the charity shop because I don't want to, OR joining the 'walking group!' I hate big group gatherings, and am a free spirit, and always get lost in these groups and ignored, because I'm fairly quiet.

HELP! How can I deal with this? I'm so annoyed that I have to!!!

I think I genuinely would have laughed if someone suggested I get a job when I retire, voluntary or not! Also, 8 hours is a long shift, I get paid to work in my shop and rarely do more that 5 hours at a time. She might get more volunteers if she offered shorter shifts

But your message, rightly, didn't invite a reply. So honestly that's fine that she didn't reply. No reply was necessary

Your message was quite unpleasant in my view. The bit ‘I don’t know where you got idea…’ is pretty hostile - I suspect she thought you were interested because you never said no in the first place!

You could have sent her a friendly ‘I’ve had a think and decided voluntary work’s not for me - after xxx years working, I just want a rest! And although I love walking, it’s something I prefer doing on my own or in a small group’

I doubt she would have taken issue with that or pushed back - and she wouldn’t feel slighted either. But yes, if she kept harassing you after a clear no, then you’d be entitled to be rude.

I agree,your message has probably stunned her into silence,it wasn't exactly a nice message! Honestly,what a fuss about absolutely nothing,it's not like she could you force you to do something you didn't want to ,all you needed to say was 'no thanks.'

It’s quite common that when non-assertive people first try to be more assertive, they over correct and go a bit OTT. Like sending a 4 paragraph, self-justifying text when a simple conversation would have done the job.

There’s a great book that’s often recommended on here :A Woman In Your Own Right by Anne Dickson, it’s great for learning how to communicate in a clear, assertive and honest way. I used to be a bit of a people pleaser, this book really helped me to communicate my needs better.

I’d send her a polite text. Something along the lines of - When I retire after 43 years of working I’m taking a well a well deserved break from working. I won’t be volunteering for shops or groups. I hope that isn’t too disappointing- but I’ve earned this and I’m looking forward to exploring my own interest again.

If she can’t accept that gracefully, then flat out no is going to be what’s needed.

After 43 years of working and raising your children - you absolutely deserve to do all this on your own terms.

Well done for standing up for yourself. If you are concerned about push back from her, could you just say that your time is your own now and you have no intention of having it dictated by anyone else?

Sorry but who the hell gets to decide how someone else spends their retirement! Retirement is retirement. If op wanted to continue working during her retirement age she wouldn’t be retiring. Who is that woman to tell op that she will be working 2 x 8 hour shifts in a charity shop and banging on about joining a walking group that op clearly doesn’t want to be a part of! Op never asked nor gave the impression she wanted any of this but this woman decided to take it upon herself to tell op what she will be doing! THAT is unpleasant and the only way to meet these type of people is to be “unpleasant” back because they’re the type of people who will take you for a mug and walk all over you! OP’s message wasn’t even unpleasant, it was firm and rightly so for someone who thinks she has a god given right to dictate how op spends her time own during her retirement!

And if you think OP’s message to her is unpleasant you should see the type of message I would be sending her.. which would be basically telling her to fuck off and she doesn’t get to dictate what I do in my retirement

not nearly as unpleasant as mine would have been

This Friends quote has been recommended many times on here, now.
I don't think she'll use it!

Just say you are moving to Benidorm for a retirement of Sangria, sunshine and Karaoke 🎤

I have learnt in life that with some people they don't get the message unless you're direct.

Just say "Oh, that doesn't work for me".

Op I’d take her no response as being that she is not happy that you were assertive enough to stand up for yourself. I don’t think it’s anything to do with the message not needing an answer because the very least she could have replied with was “ok I’m so sorry, I was a bit forward wasn’t I. But thank you for letting me know”.

There has been times when people haven’t responded to me when I’ve been assertive and I truly believe it’s because they don’t like being told ‘No’ and that they will be gobsmacked, possibly upset they have been put in their place. But who cares! It’s your life not hers. You can do what you like in your retirement and should not be told by other people. She knows her place now and she knows exactly where she stands with you. I think sending her a ‘polite’ or passive aggressive message like some others have suggested will just soften the tone a bit and she would have still seen you as a push over who sounds a bit scared to be saying no.

You did the right thing

For the sake of moving forward from this OP, I'm afraid I agree with this post - and in particular the bit about "I don't know where you got the idea ..." - and I actually flagged this very paragraph to you before you sent it.

It was actually accusatory and unnecessarily tetchy.

I think the pushiness of this woman is being overplayed on here. The problem was you hadn't really said a clear no. I would always use softening "padding" ("It was really kind of you to think of me, but, in fact, no, thank you, I don't want to" ) and yet I don't struggle with people pushing me into things.

I realise you might have been coaxed to go that far by posters on here, and it takes time to find your way if you have not been someone who finds saying no easy, but honestly I find that finding a way to say no pleasantly makes it so much easier to do that regularly. And you don't end up with the awkward aftermath you are feeling now.

Tell her you have your own plans for retirement that preclude working in her charity shop, but thanks for the offer. Ditto walking group. It's your retirement, not hers. If you are into writing, btw, you could take creative writing classes or join a writers' group, which would be more interesting by far than working in a charity shop (just a suggestion - you could also join a book club to discuss what you read).

Op I’d take her no response as being that she is not happy that you were assertive enough to stand up for yourself.

Yeah but this attitude is a bit of a MN trope.

People are rude to people, then deflect that person's offence back on to them.

I am not saying OP actually went so far as to be rude in this particular instance, but if you are going to pad yourself with the perennial reassurance that people are always just unreasonable if you "stand up for yourself," how do you ever recognise that you have, in fact, overstepped and offended someone?

“For the sake of moving forward from this OP, I'm afraid I agree with this post - and in particular the bit about "I don't know where you got the idea ..." - and I actually flagged this very paragraph to you before you sent it.”

No op is right to say that. And it’s true? What gave the woman the idea that she could just dictate to someone else how they will spend their retirement and tell her that she needs to continue working! Would you like to have your retirement life dictated to and planned out by someone else? No thought not.

Why should op be polite to her? What has she done to deserve a polite message? The woman saw op as someone she could walk all over and it wouldn’t have ended with a couple of 8 hour shifts at a charity shop and a walking group, it wouldn’t have carried on and on with something else, then something else. You need to be firm and assertive and stand up for yourself as people will see you as a mug.

So it’s not rude to dictate how someone else should spend their retirement. OP’s response was far more polite than the one she would have had from me

I’m also speaking from experience. I used to be afraid of saying no. When I started to stand up for myself, these people generally would not respond and would be quietly seething while slagging me off to others because I refused to do what they wanted me to do which made me the baddy and them the victim. That’s why they don’t respond 🤣

I agree.

The message the OP sent might be appropriate if she had been repeatedly telling the cousin's wife that she wasn't interested, and being ignored. However, the OP has only been saying "no" in her own head. She hasn't said it out loud at all - not once in the three months that this other woman has been talking to her about a couple of activities that many people do take up in retirement.

By not simply saying, "no thanks" politely, firmly and with a smile, the OP has got herself needlessly wound up, then has been further wound up by this thread, and her cousin's wife is no doubt taken aback by the pretty hostile message she has received, having had no prior indication that the OP wasn't interested in her ideas.

Yeah but just because the op didn’t say no straight away, doesn’t mean that the other woman has the right to decide how op will spend her retirement and tell her that she will be working 2 x 8 hour shifts in a charity shop. The woman was rude for even suggesting it. So the op’s response was appropriate.

She doesn't "have to" be polite. No-one has to.

But lots of people actually feel awkward about not managing to be polite so, when there is a way of achieving a goal AND doing it politely, why not?

I honestly don't believe that being polite weakens a message. I mean if you are being raped it's time to drop the top-dressing ... but let's not over-egg what was going on here: the woman had suggested something OP didn't want to do, doesn't have to do, and ISN'T going to do. It is perfectly possible to be clear about that without getting evidently angry at the woman for suggesting it. It is possible she genuinely feels it would be beneficial to the OP. I'm not saying it would be...

I agree you need to stand up for yourself, but you can do it politely. Read back OP's message: it would have lost nothing in firmness had she taken out the "where did you get the idea..." bit. The woman is actually allowed to have an idea without prior clearance.

“I honestly don't believe that being polite weakens a message. I mean if you are being raped it's time to drop the top-dressing ... but let's not over-egg what was going on here: the woman had suggested something OP didn't want to do, doesn't have to do, and ISN'T going to do. It is perfectly possible to be clear about that without getting evidently angry at the woman for suggesting it. It is possible she genuinely feels it would be beneficial to the OP. I'm not saying it would be...”

I agree with you to a certain extent, if it was a different situation. Let’s say if the op has discussed working during her retirement or that she wanted to join a walking group. Then a polite message would suffice.

The woman in this situation though, thought she had a god given right to decide that op should work in her charity shop and join the walking group with no suggestion from the op that this is what she wanted to do. That is extremely rude, pushy and downright taking the piss cheeky fuckery in my eyes and so needed bringing down a peg or two. Nobody has the right to decide what someone else will do during retirement.

Well I think it was less polite than the OP tends to feel comfortable with, and for that reason she is now sweating the no response. I think she was egged on by people.

My point was NOT that she shouldn't no, NOT that she shouldn't stand up for herself, but that she didn't need to do so by insulting the woman or her idea. It suffices just to say "no, not for me, but thanks anyway." And, going forward, she may feel more comfortable handling things that way. You can always add more forceful deflection if need be.

You can decline second helpings at a meal without saying: "What on earth makes you feel I would want more of that? I don't even LIKE what you are serving." The world just become unpleasant when people are that easily triggered to let rip.

As the OP hadn't said no at any point when the subject has been raised, then the other woman isn't unreasonable to think that the OP is agreeable to volunteering in the charity shop.

And given that charity shops are staffed by volunteers, many of whom are retired, then I can't see how you'd think she was rude even to suggest it. I'm going to retire next year as well, and volunteering in a charity shop is something I've considered. I enjoy browsing in them, so volunteering would be a way of giving back and supporting something I benefit from.

Also, inviting someone to join a walking group would normally, in my view, be seen as a friendly gesture - not a hostile act!

The problem here is that the OP didn't just tell the cousin's wife that she isn't interested in either of those things.