DH's cousin's wife is getting on my nerves, trying to line up shifts for me at her charity shop when I retire, and trying to get me to join her walking group! AIBU to ask you fine people how the heck I can deal with her?!!!

[GoldAndSilverBells]

This is doing my head in, and I just wondered how to handle it.

I am due to retire soon. May possibly be early next year. (Luckily, I am retiring a few years earlier than I thought I would be able to - at 60.)

DH's cousin's wife, works for a charity shop, and is the Deputy Manager, and all she has banged on about, since DH decided to mention (about 3 months ago,) that I may be retiring soon is how wonderful it is that they'll have an extra pair of hands in the charity shop, and has told me to let her know when I retire, so she can pop me on the rota!

I mean, WTF? I have worked since I was 16, so about 43 years, with no break, other than 2 maternity leaves of 4 months each (and they're not holidays,) and she has me lined up for work in her shop. 'I'm sure we can squeeze a couple of 8 hour shifts a week out of you!' she said smugly the other day.

She is also trying to get me to join her 'walking group.' She lives 7 miles away, and it's her village walking group, so I would have to drive there every time (it's twice a week.) I love walking but HATE doing it in groups. Prefer to do it alone. Sometimes with DH, or my DC, occasionally a friend, but NOT in a big group. There's 25 or so of them, and I like to walk at my own pace, and on my own chosen routes.

I could honestly cuss DH for telling her. Me retiring is none of her business! It's OK for her, up to 2 years ago (she's aged 56 now,) she has always been a homemaker/stay at home mum, (and has had no children at home for the past 12 years and was still a homemaker for another 10 years before getting this charity shop job..) There's nothing wrong with being a homemaker if it suits both of you in the couple.... But basically she has never had to work... I am looking forward to a chance to just do ....... nothing, as I have worked nearly 43 years!

Well, maybe sit in the garden reading, going for walks, (not in big groups!) and looking around the shops, and going to the woodlands, doing some gardening, writing poetry, and just doing what I want to, after 43 years of work. OK, the last 28 have been part time - 20 to 22 hours a week, but I was raising a family as well as working part time, (our DC left around 6-7 years ago,) and I am looking forward to the total freedom, and not having to do anything, unless I want to, and I don't want DH's bossy cousin's wife arranging my life for me. (DH is planning on retiring about 2 years after me......)

So far, I have just been like 'err, ha ha, errrm, well...' and she's moved on to the next subject (we see her maybe once every 3-4 weeks.) DH said I just need to tell her NO, but how can I word it without sounding horrible? She is really bossy, and I am quite placid and quiet.. Upshot is I am not working in the charity shop because I don't want to, OR joining the 'walking group!' I hate big group gatherings, and am a free spirit, and always get lost in these groups and ignored, because I'm fairly quiet.

HELP! How can I deal with this? I'm so annoyed that I have to!!!

Just say no a la zammo

Cousin-in-law, I didn’t retire to work. I am not into group activities so no to walking group.

'I dont get out of bed for less than [large amount of money] there's no way I'm going to work for free'
'walking group? I'm too lazy for that shit'

Re the OP's drafted reply, I'm sorry @GoldAndSilverBells, but you just sound like Mavis.
Giving reasons is also tacitly agreeing that you are obliged to account for yourself, you are leaving her an open goal to refute your reasons
Be succinct: 'Thanks but no thanks.'

My Mil is like this. I usually say "no thanks MIL, I'm busy". And when she inevitably says "busy with what?" And starts saying that surely I can't be busy, I tell her I'm doing a course about how do deal with nosy/ difficult in laws. Works a treat.

Also of I'm not pole dancing - I'll be exploring erotic massage or my owl stretching course. 😂

Your husband should not be volunteering you for anything you had not previously agreed to.

So he should be the one who breaks the news to her that you will not be volunteering to work for the Charity shop, you did not agree to this, prior to his iterferance, even Victor Meldrew would not do that.

If she tries to persuade you again, in person be direct. The same also applies to the walking group.

Giving people a closed answer such as " NO" when they try to persuade you against your better instincts is good because it is much harder for them to wriggle out of.

So each time she starts just say no.

One day, she will stop asking,

She is " telling you what to do". Be equally brazen back. Charity shop work is not your interest nor is walking nor making more commitments. I was commited to my work for 43 years I am resting. ....." it doesnt work for me" I am doing my own thing now.

Can't we accept that many people and LOTS of women have great difficulty with assertiveness because of structural factors and familial history?

She wouldn't be posting otherwise

Because she's bossy, opinionated and used to pushing people around and doesn't like that someone she thought she could bend to her will has said no. If I had to guess.

Well, she's the definition of a CF. These people see those around them as either useful or not useful to them. She didn't take your wants or preferences into account at all, just your usefulness to her. She decided you could now be useful to her and tried to bulldoze you into that.

Well done on not letting her do so and please do not give into the temptation to follow up.

This might mean you see less of her into the future, which honestly sounds like a good thing.

You really do! Make it friendly and joking - absolutely not Helen, I’ve been working for 40 years and when I retire the plan is zero commitments, no regular schedule, no joining regular activities until I feel like I’m rested really. I’m planning to spend a lot of time on my own, channeling my deeply neglected inner vegetable.

Haha I see you’ve handled it. The only thing you’ve missed out is telling her to try dh when he retires if she’s still looking for volunteers. That will teach him to not help shut down people like that 😁

Hi op, just forget about it now.

She probably hasn’t responded because your message was far too long so she may just want some more time to think how to reply to it.

Please stop overthinking things. A simple ‘no thank you, the idea of my retirement is not to work and have a rest after 43 years. If i wanted to work more, i could have continued with a salary’ would have been fine.

That was my whole point! 🤷🏼‍♀️
You obviously missed it!

This message is absolutely fine for someone who was seriously overstepping boundaries imagining she could recruit you into her life without checking that that is what you wanted: you needed to overstate your case a bit to make it very clear that she shouldn't do that. But the recipient is also probably offended because her boundaries aren't great.

OP, even if you did want to volunteer or join a group I doubt you would want to be in one with her in it.

I think some people are so self-absorbed, they have no awareness of others. Not having the emotional bandwidth to know you barely tolerate her is an indicator of this. Who on earth would line up plans for someone else to work 2 days a week, free of charge, without their having ever expressed any interest? The CF levels are off the scale!

I think brusque was exactly what was needed, because she would otherwise have just tried to railroad you into giving in (and is probably so oblivious that she'll STILL try).

I don't think it was brusque at all. It's just you didn't do all that stereotypical female/British overly polite and 'ooh I'm really sorry to trouble you, if you wouldn't mind' self deprecating nonsense.

I bet she's one of those women who does loads of unnecessary, over the top housework, 101 elf on the shelf Christmas activities, deep cleans the toilet on holiday etc then complains how she 'has' to do everything.

Well done for actually just saying how you feel abd have a great retirement doing things you want to do.

If she asks you again in future you could just do the Phoebe from Friends reply of 'I could do that, but I don't want to'. Even better if she messages you, because you could just send her a GIF.

YABU for not being more assertive. Say no thanks. Stop giving it so much rent free headspace and enjoy your retirement doing what you want to do. End of.

This is why it’s best to say no at the time. She’s a pushy person who would take a non-committal answer as a ‘tentative yes but needs more persuasion’. She may well not take no for an answer but you’ve not said no before to any of this! You’ve now sent a long message out of the blue which shows you have been stewing on this and it becomes a bigger thing. She’s probably a bit offended and also bemused to receive that out of the blue.

@GoldAndSilverBells I hope you slept well knowing that you had taken decisive action, and no longer have this looming over you.

I imagine you would like a response from her that acknowledges and accepts your position so you finally put it to bed. However, this woman doesn't think like you do, she'd not thinking about you or her feelings, so you may never get the kind of closure that would be ideal for you.

Whatever you do, DO NOT be the one who raises it with her, either by whatsapp to check she got your message (you know she did) or in person - it only opens the door for her to start questioning you. But DO have a reply ready if she does raise it. Something along the lines of: "Sorry Brenda, I think my message said it all. It's not for me and I have other plans."

If she pushes it further you have to ask her to drop the subject and not raise it with you again.

If youre not feeling like you can confront it....say 'thanks for thinking of me' even though she isnt and then say youre looking forward to having time to yourself and youve made your own plans for your retirement...maybe in a few years if you fancy doing it then youll let her know. Suggest her taking on a school leaver instead they're all struggling to get jobs

Why should the OP say 'thanks for thinking of me' when she really isn't grateful for this woman thinking of her at all. She is pestering her!!

If I ran a charity shop and mentioned in passing to someone who was due to retire that there would always be an opening if she got bored, but then retired person didn't pick up on it, that should be it! OP your whatsapp was perfect, put it out of your head now like it never happened.