DH's cousin's wife is getting on my nerves, trying to line up shifts for me at her charity shop when I retire, and trying to get me to join her walking group! AIBU to ask you fine people how the heck I can deal with her?!!!

[GoldAndSilverBells]

This is doing my head in, and I just wondered how to handle it.

I am due to retire soon. May possibly be early next year. (Luckily, I am retiring a few years earlier than I thought I would be able to - at 60.)

DH's cousin's wife, works for a charity shop, and is the Deputy Manager, and all she has banged on about, since DH decided to mention (about 3 months ago,) that I may be retiring soon is how wonderful it is that they'll have an extra pair of hands in the charity shop, and has told me to let her know when I retire, so she can pop me on the rota!

I mean, WTF? I have worked since I was 16, so about 43 years, with no break, other than 2 maternity leaves of 4 months each (and they're not holidays,) and she has me lined up for work in her shop. 'I'm sure we can squeeze a couple of 8 hour shifts a week out of you!' she said smugly the other day.

She is also trying to get me to join her 'walking group.' She lives 7 miles away, and it's her village walking group, so I would have to drive there every time (it's twice a week.) I love walking but HATE doing it in groups. Prefer to do it alone. Sometimes with DH, or my DC, occasionally a friend, but NOT in a big group. There's 25 or so of them, and I like to walk at my own pace, and on my own chosen routes.

I could honestly cuss DH for telling her. Me retiring is none of her business! It's OK for her, up to 2 years ago (she's aged 56 now,) she has always been a homemaker/stay at home mum, (and has had no children at home for the past 12 years and was still a homemaker for another 10 years before getting this charity shop job..) There's nothing wrong with being a homemaker if it suits both of you in the couple.... But basically she has never had to work... I am looking forward to a chance to just do ....... nothing, as I have worked nearly 43 years!

Well, maybe sit in the garden reading, going for walks, (not in big groups!) and looking around the shops, and going to the woodlands, doing some gardening, writing poetry, and just doing what I want to, after 43 years of work. OK, the last 28 have been part time - 20 to 22 hours a week, but I was raising a family as well as working part time, (our DC left around 6-7 years ago,) and I am looking forward to the total freedom, and not having to do anything, unless I want to, and I don't want DH's bossy cousin's wife arranging my life for me. (DH is planning on retiring about 2 years after me......)

So far, I have just been like 'err, ha ha, errrm, well...' and she's moved on to the next subject (we see her maybe once every 3-4 weeks.) DH said I just need to tell her NO, but how can I word it without sounding horrible? She is really bossy, and I am quite placid and quiet.. Upshot is I am not working in the charity shop because I don't want to, OR joining the 'walking group!' I hate big group gatherings, and am a free spirit, and always get lost in these groups and ignored, because I'm fairly quiet.

HELP! How can I deal with this? I'm so annoyed that I have to!!!

Glad you’ve messaged her, best to have said ‘oh no way!’ at the time but hopefully you’ll speak up more readily if you’re volunteered for something you don’t want to do. It’s much easier when you don’t care what other people think of you!

Small steps can win the race as well as big ones 😊

Thank you. 😘

It absolutely isn't. People like her need telling in no uncertain terms and that's exactly what was said!
Other women probably haven't had the bottle to tell her when she's overstepped the mark previously (& I bet she has). You wrote exactly what was needed to be said! And I applaud you for that! It was only the truth & she can't argue with that! What the hell has it got to do with her or anyone else for that matter, what you do in your own time!
Big hugs x

No, not close, and I'm not too keen on her. We have nothing in common, and as I said, i don't know why she had the idea I would be interested! I tolerate her.

I'm nearing retirement, and recently an annoying, very organising, dominating woman I know messaged me and said, 'Hi Dot, hope all is well
with you [yada yada], I've heard you're retiring soon and you'll be probably at a loose end. [!!!] I'll have to sign you up for [this, that and the other thing - think volunteering, choir etc].'

I responded with 'Thank you [Bec], but I already have plenty I want to do with my retirement.' She then asked, 'Oh, that's a shame. What will you be doing?' Given that she thought it was a shame that I'd be doing what I want rather than what she wants, I simply answered, 'All sorts of things.'

Like your cousin's wife, she read the message. She ended up not responding at all and I heard that she was quite annoyed with me. Well, that's her problem. She's used to others just doing what she wants and wearing them down. I actually have done a lot of volunteering over the years and may do so again but it's not ever something I'm going to be bossed into doing.

It's essential to stand up to people like this and stick to your guns. So what if they're not happy about your 'non-compliance.' Some people are only happy with you if you're doing what they want. That's not who you want to be around in your golden years.

It's your life OP, it's your time, and not others' to commandeer. Own the years ahead. Enjoy whatever you choose to do.

Thank you @YourCoralCritic I don't think I over explained - and I wasn't rude IMO. I may have been a little bit wordy, but I wanted to get my points across.

“I’m not making any plans at all for the first year”.

don’t competely shut it down just in case you discover you might like a little structure after a while.

Always remember... "No" is a complete sentence. I refuse to justify myself to anyone. Just No, don't want to !!! should be as much of an explanation ever needed.

You've taken control of the part you could control and said your piece.
You can't control how she receives it or responds.
My guess is she will have taken offence to your message, as it did rather put her in her place. However, that's what you wanted to say and if you say what you want to say, rather than what people want to hear, you're not going to please them all.
You don't like her anyway, so forget it now.

Gosh that message is a bit OTT, but it's done now and I hope for your sake it has the desired effect. I also hope you're not tying yourself in knots even further, worrying about how she's going to take it.

I would have screwed my nose up and said 'ew, no thanks' the first time it was mentioned and we'd all be clear where we stood in an instant. You should give it a try one day, imagine how much angst you'd have saved yourself here!

Pretending she may be interested in the future when she knows for a fact she won’t be, are backwards steps.

Unfortunately some people just won't take a "No" for an answer! That's why 'Gold and Silver Bells' hit the perfect note in her reply - leaving no room for any doubt!
Atta girl!! 👌🏻

Thank you!

Thanks everyone else too, I appreciate the time everyone has taken!

Off to bed now, but will update if/when she responds! 😀

Perhaps she knows you’re waiting for a reply, and knows the effect her not replying will have on you.

You cannot help how you feel, but you can challenge it. Don’t shy away from it by rushing to appease it, sit with it however uncomfortable you find it. It is to your benefit, ultimately.

*Alternatively, go spend a week or two in a Slavic country for a crash course in abrasiveness. As a general rule, ‘no is a complete sentence’ is a cultural artform.

Your message was brilliant. Polite but very clear.

Unfortunately some people just won't take a "No" for an answer!

That's BS, people who say that just don't know how to say no properly (or at all). You just have to deliver your response with equal or more force than the request.

If they're going back and forth to wear you down you can always finish off with 'I said no, and I mean it, and there's nothing you can say or do to change my mind so drop it, I won't discuss it anymore'. Then disengage. That might feel very confrontational to you but it's actually less weird and much less likely to create awkwardness than stewing on it for weeks/months then sending a long hand-wringing text completely out of the blue.

What's wrong with just "Sorry, but I really don't want to do either of those things"?

If she answers and continues, and expresses disappointment etc, reply with ‘No, I’ve given this a lot of thought, and am peace with my decision.’

I agree with the PP who suggested there’s a bit of internalised sexism around women’s retirement. If a bloke wants to play golf or go fishing or tinker with his classic car in his retirement, nobody objects. But there does seem to be this pervasive idea that women should continue to take care of everything and everyone. Sod that. I’m at least 15 years away from retirement and already practising my snort-laughing “Fuck no!” for when people try to commandeer my time.

Good for you :) I think I'd be briefer tbh, I am not interested in either of those activities, thanks for thinking of me, but no thank you. And then if she comes back again just continue to say no, if necessary ignore her for a while.

Yep. Say no and then remove yourself from any further discussion if required. They definitely will take no for an answer when they don't see you, talk to you or message with you for weeks, months or years (as required). Then repeat as necessary.

Oh, I think it was just right. It's perfectly polite, even-toned, and cordial, and there is no wiggle room for her to get into and prod you further. It's all there.

I am glad you don't particularly like her anyway. Imagine if you'd had your retirement ruined by someone you don't much like railroading you into her plans for you, even a half a day a week, for fear of upsetting her or "causing an atmosphere".

Meanwhile, here she is causing an atmosphere in your head. I really dislike people like this and the anguish they cause.

The main thing I have learnt about setting boundaries - which you have done, in no uncertain terms - is we are not responsible for the other person's feelings about our boundaries. It is still hard to let go of worrying and fearing them and their reactions, but better a brief period of that then a lifetime of misery and resentment after letting them have their way.

Tell her to keep her balls and her court! I hate pushy people like this. She will probably avoid you and go to your husband about you now though.

Channel your inner Phoebe (from Friends): “I wish I could, but I don’t want to”!