DH's cousin's wife is getting on my nerves, trying to line up shifts for me at her charity shop when I retire, and trying to get me to join her walking group! AIBU to ask you fine people how the heck I can deal with her?!!!

[GoldAndSilverBells]

This is doing my head in, and I just wondered how to handle it.

I am due to retire soon. May possibly be early next year. (Luckily, I am retiring a few years earlier than I thought I would be able to - at 60.)

DH's cousin's wife, works for a charity shop, and is the Deputy Manager, and all she has banged on about, since DH decided to mention (about 3 months ago,) that I may be retiring soon is how wonderful it is that they'll have an extra pair of hands in the charity shop, and has told me to let her know when I retire, so she can pop me on the rota!

I mean, WTF? I have worked since I was 16, so about 43 years, with no break, other than 2 maternity leaves of 4 months each (and they're not holidays,) and she has me lined up for work in her shop. 'I'm sure we can squeeze a couple of 8 hour shifts a week out of you!' she said smugly the other day.

She is also trying to get me to join her 'walking group.' She lives 7 miles away, and it's her village walking group, so I would have to drive there every time (it's twice a week.) I love walking but HATE doing it in groups. Prefer to do it alone. Sometimes with DH, or my DC, occasionally a friend, but NOT in a big group. There's 25 or so of them, and I like to walk at my own pace, and on my own chosen routes.

I could honestly cuss DH for telling her. Me retiring is none of her business! It's OK for her, up to 2 years ago (she's aged 56 now,) she has always been a homemaker/stay at home mum, (and has had no children at home for the past 12 years and was still a homemaker for another 10 years before getting this charity shop job..) There's nothing wrong with being a homemaker if it suits both of you in the couple.... But basically she has never had to work... I am looking forward to a chance to just do ....... nothing, as I have worked nearly 43 years!

Well, maybe sit in the garden reading, going for walks, (not in big groups!) and looking around the shops, and going to the woodlands, doing some gardening, writing poetry, and just doing what I want to, after 43 years of work. OK, the last 28 have been part time - 20 to 22 hours a week, but I was raising a family as well as working part time, (our DC left around 6-7 years ago,) and I am looking forward to the total freedom, and not having to do anything, unless I want to, and I don't want DH's bossy cousin's wife arranging my life for me. (DH is planning on retiring about 2 years after me......)

So far, I have just been like 'err, ha ha, errrm, well...' and she's moved on to the next subject (we see her maybe once every 3-4 weeks.) DH said I just need to tell her NO, but how can I word it without sounding horrible? She is really bossy, and I am quite placid and quiet.. Upshot is I am not working in the charity shop because I don't want to, OR joining the 'walking group!' I hate big group gatherings, and am a free spirit, and always get lost in these groups and ignored, because I'm fairly quiet.

HELP! How can I deal with this? I'm so annoyed that I have to!!!

Thanks so much everyone...

I have actually sent her a message now. Sent it at 7.30pm. The exact copy that I wrote earlier. For those that missed it...

Hey Sue, a few times now, you've mentioned to Dave (my husband) and to me, that once I retire - which will be soon - you can't wait to have me working in your charity shop, and also want me to join your walking group.

I'm not sure how you've come to the conclusion that I want to do either one. I've never shown any interest! I have worked for over 40 years now, and am not looking to be working ever again to be honest! Not even voluntarily, not even for a few hours a week, let alone 16. (In case she tries to say 'but what about just a few hours then...?')

I have my own hobbies and plans and will be busy, and aren't interested in doing shifts in your charity shop, or joining the walking group. I really dislike walking in big groups anyway, and prefer to walk alone... and I have no intention of working in any shop of any kind, or anywhere actually!

Appreciate you may have been just thinking about me, as you think I'll have lots of free time now and may be struggling to find things to do, but I have LOADS of things planned, so I won't be joining the walking group - or coming to work in your charity shop.

I sent it at 7.30pm, it was still unread at 8.00pm. By 8.15pm it was read. Nearly 2 hours later. Nothing. She hasn't responded. 😳

Awkward. What now? 😂 Guess I'll have to leave it a day or so and then message to see if she got it and read it? (Even though I know she did!)

Or should I just do nothing now? Leave the ball in her court so to speak.

.

Do nothing. Ball is in her court.

Thanks @Gemilo That's kinda what I was thinking. No idea why she hasn't responded. Probably trying to think of a way to talk me round.

I would just do nothing. You know she's read it. Just act like you assume that OF COURSE she will react rationally.

This.
No thanks!
Enjoy your retirement x

Do nothing.

Except maybe question why you feel awkward, and see if you can resolve that/become comfortable with it in order to overcome it. You have no reason to feel awkward, and no reason to appease this woman. You’ve done nothing wrong. So what if she’s pissy about it? Let her be.

You're so right. I have no reason to feel awkward. Yet I do. She hasn't responded and I'm not gonna lie, she's living rent free in my head now. And, I am dreading her response - if she responds, and if not, the shitty way she's going to react with me when she sees me. Then again, she may say nothing. But why? Why isn't she saying anything...? 'OK then fine Bells, whatever.. I get you' or 'why NOT?! You must be able to put a small amount of hours in at the shop, and could come for the occasional group walk!!!'

She should say something at least. She's not normally lost for words!

Can you tell I overthink things?! 😬

!

I expect she's a bit offended. I thought the second paragraph went too far.

You only need to say no.

The whole "not sure where you got the idea I'd want to do this" business with all the pass agg exclamation marks was a bit in your face. You can be firm without doing that.

@Calliopespa being a bit brusque is the only way to deal with her. If I'd been too 'soft' and polite, she would have pushed back. This way, she knows I am NOT doing it. I thought it was quite polite overall, and maybe a bit brusque there, but I am happy with what I have sent.

You can say no without being horrible. " Thanks for thinking of me Brenda but I'm actually just looking forward to a proper break for the first time ever so won't be committing to any volunteering or hobby groups.

Leave her to it @GoldAndSilverBells either she is annoyed (so what, no reason to be, so if she is it’s her problem), she isn’t annoyed but doesn’t like your response (because you haven’t gone along with her grand plans) or she wasn’t that bothered and can’t be arsed to reply. If she is only interested when you do what she wants then just let her stew.

There is no need to follow up. Try not to give it any more thought.

If she pushes back on the volunteering, tell her you will only ever work for a salary.
Beyond cheeky to expect people to work for free when she gets a salary.

I think volunteering is very worthwhile, but only if it's your choice

Also, do not follow up. Your message was very clear.

Ball is defo in her court now

Yes, I think she is annoyed, because I am not going along with what SHE wants me to do. As has been said, some people do like to volunteer other womens time don't they?! And also as I said earlier, I will bet my house that she doesn't badger DH when he retires.

I think she is going to try to find a way to try and talk me round, and she isn't responding tonight, because she needs to think about what she's going to say! She is a woman who doesn't like to be told no.

Thanks @Geepee71 I think I will just leave her to it, as the ball is in her court. I know she has received my message - and read it.

That was a perfect reply! So pleased you did that.
Do nothing... you've spelt it out & were really polite!

Have a fabulous retirement, doing all the things YOU want to do, you really deserve it! 💐 ❤️

I always say, dont spend MY time or money

If she does, channel Phoebe Buffay from friends and say "'m sorry I can't" . When she asks why you answer a la Phoebe - "because I don't want to".

"no because I can't think of anything worse than you being my boss"

I wish I'd seen your post earlier!

You've massively over explained yourself. I find it hard to say no as well, so massive sympathies there. But your message is a lot of unnecessary words bordering on waffle.

It's hard to deal with this shit though. All the best! X

You were very firm... but leaves her knowing exactly where you stand. Do absolutely nothing if she doesn't respond. I assume you're not all that close to her, so don't give another thought to it. You are entitled to arrange your own life without reference to her or anyone else. Well done OP.... stick to your guns.

I’m pleased you’ve sent the message OP!

I think inviting you to join the walking group was reasonable, but I’d also think it was awful - so you are more than reasonable to decline. BUT the working in the charity shop is just absolutely ridiculous and extremely cheeky!!! Hard no!

She sounds perfect MLM sales person material....

Just tell her no and make sure your DH backs you up. If you piss her off, all the better and just avoid her.

Also, any chance your DH set this in motion by telling her "oh, she has no idea how to fill her day, it'll take a while to settle into it" type comments?

Well what's done is done. But in all honesty, I don't see that as brusque. It was a bit of an epistle, given the very short message you needed to convey.

I think you stitched over the point a bit more than necessary, which leaked emotion into it.

Yes I agree. But it is done - and hopefully will do the trick op.