DH's cousin's wife is getting on my nerves, trying to line up shifts for me at her charity shop when I retire, and trying to get me to join her walking group! AIBU to ask you fine people how the heck I can deal with her?!!!

[GoldAndSilverBells]

This is doing my head in, and I just wondered how to handle it.

I am due to retire soon. May possibly be early next year. (Luckily, I am retiring a few years earlier than I thought I would be able to - at 60.)

DH's cousin's wife, works for a charity shop, and is the Deputy Manager, and all she has banged on about, since DH decided to mention (about 3 months ago,) that I may be retiring soon is how wonderful it is that they'll have an extra pair of hands in the charity shop, and has told me to let her know when I retire, so she can pop me on the rota!

I mean, WTF? I have worked since I was 16, so about 43 years, with no break, other than 2 maternity leaves of 4 months each (and they're not holidays,) and she has me lined up for work in her shop. 'I'm sure we can squeeze a couple of 8 hour shifts a week out of you!' she said smugly the other day.

She is also trying to get me to join her 'walking group.' She lives 7 miles away, and it's her village walking group, so I would have to drive there every time (it's twice a week.) I love walking but HATE doing it in groups. Prefer to do it alone. Sometimes with DH, or my DC, occasionally a friend, but NOT in a big group. There's 25 or so of them, and I like to walk at my own pace, and on my own chosen routes.

I could honestly cuss DH for telling her. Me retiring is none of her business! It's OK for her, up to 2 years ago (she's aged 56 now,) she has always been a homemaker/stay at home mum, (and has had no children at home for the past 12 years and was still a homemaker for another 10 years before getting this charity shop job..) There's nothing wrong with being a homemaker if it suits both of you in the couple.... But basically she has never had to work... I am looking forward to a chance to just do ....... nothing, as I have worked nearly 43 years!

Well, maybe sit in the garden reading, going for walks, (not in big groups!) and looking around the shops, and going to the woodlands, doing some gardening, writing poetry, and just doing what I want to, after 43 years of work. OK, the last 28 have been part time - 20 to 22 hours a week, but I was raising a family as well as working part time, (our DC left around 6-7 years ago,) and I am looking forward to the total freedom, and not having to do anything, unless I want to, and I don't want DH's bossy cousin's wife arranging my life for me. (DH is planning on retiring about 2 years after me......)

So far, I have just been like 'err, ha ha, errrm, well...' and she's moved on to the next subject (we see her maybe once every 3-4 weeks.) DH said I just need to tell her NO, but how can I word it without sounding horrible? She is really bossy, and I am quite placid and quiet.. Upshot is I am not working in the charity shop because I don't want to, OR joining the 'walking group!' I hate big group gatherings, and am a free spirit, and always get lost in these groups and ignored, because I'm fairly quiet.

HELP! How can I deal with this? I'm so annoyed that I have to!!!

Just say “thanks, but no thanks. I don’t want to work in your charity shop or any charity shop and I don’t want to join your walking group”. In fact, you don’t really need to add anything but “ no thanks”, no need to give explanations or excuses. If she continues on, say “no” in a firmer voice and change the topic, walk away, put the phone down or whatever, but stick to your guns. Do not let her intimidate you - she’s a cheeky mare.

I respond to stuff like this with the same response, whether it’s a restaurant I don’t want to try or a village Mums event where they making Christmas wreaths ‘I’ll pass, not my cup of tea at all’.

People generally don’t know what to say. It’s a bit passive agressive but I find it’s a slightly more polite way of saying ‘Fucking ‘ell I couldn’t think of anything worse.’

Bit late to the party, otherwise my riposte would be No, thanks, can't think of anything I'd hate more. Because telling rellies to f'k off probably isn't the done thing. Anyway Bells, enjoy your retirement, every lovely minute doing (as my retirement mug says) "whatever the hell I want". Happy days!

When you get to this age (I'm a few years ahead) the most liberating thing ever is saying "no". Do not apologise, do not explain. First time is hard but after that, true freedom awaits.

Next time she starts, put your palm upright and say "let me stop you there, I will not be volunteering in your shop, nor will I join your walking group". Honestly, it's easier than you'd ever imagine, once your hand is up, the words flow. Practise in the mirror and be very clear what you're going to say. No apologies, no explanations - stops these folk dead in their tracks.

Dont forget - palm up ✋ once you do that you're almost there.

Simply, there are a few things I've been wanting to do but not had time because of work. Thanks for your ideas but got my own. Xx

I agree. I'm eyeing up retirement, possibly next year or the following year. I have worked full time for 45 years with no maternity "break" even.

My DH is very active, I'm naturally lazier in my free time. I've told him I will retire at the of [a] March and I will not be lifting a finger for six months (and hope for another good summer!).

Only then will I consider doing something more purposeful than reading in my garden 😊

Hopefully OP can fend off her cousin's wife!

Say "Brenda, I think you're amazing with all your activities and volunteering. But all I can think about right now is having time to recover from work, do a few of my own little projects, and have a think about what I want for the rest of my life. I'd hate to commit to things and let you down, so count me out for now. But if I change my mind, I'll let you know."

It might be better if @GoldAndSilverBells doesn't leave it open-ended. Someone like DH's cousin won't hear "no", but only "I'll do it soon." Then in 2 months she'll be overwhelming the OP again. You can't be tactful with someone like that.

I think I'd probably say next time she brings it up, 'quite honestly Sue, I'd rather eat my husband's smelly socks than work in a Charity shop, I'm afraid it's just not my thing. My plans for retirement are to do exactly what I want, when I want, and how I want, so please don't make any other plans for me.' Then just change the subject.

OMG, I fully sympathise.... my sister tried this when I retired.... I could be her carer (she retired early due to ill health).... I could be childminder for her grandchildren (her DIL was returning to work after maternity leave) ... I could work in her husband's café (he didn't trust the staff) ... On each occasion I gave a very firm NO !!! I told her firmly I wasn't giving up one job to take on another. No other explanations needed. She asked very snippily what I was going to do with my time... my answer was "Anything I damn well please" !! OP ... now is the time to be firm and stand your ground. Learn the art of just saying NO !!!! Trust me, before long you'll wonder how you had time to work as your days will be so filled with all the things you now have time for. Happy retirement to you both.

Completely get you, just say, for now iam just going to decompress and chill out,doing nothing, if she doesn't take a subtle hint,go in firmer with a hard no.
I did some volunteering in a charity, I absolutely loved it,but I only did 1 morning a week, no volunteers were expected to do 8hrs you could do as little or as much, I used to sort the clothes and tag, I used to buy loads,I loved rummaging through bags for best stuff! No one got discount, had to pay full price,that was fine.
But I love a bargain and second hand clothes! It was years before the age of vinted!
But it might not be your thing. Like I wouldn't walk in a big group,been told where to go and whst to do.

Some people have not been told to fuck off often enough and it shows. No is all you need to say Op!

I don't want any shifts in the charity shop. If she doesn't get the message, repeat it.
Walking group - either "it's not for me" or "I'll let you know".

Funny, ....some women cannot bear the thought of others not being up to their tits juggling loads.

Years ago when the last of my 4 children headed off to secondary school I was asked was I returning to work.
There was surprise that I was clear I had zero intention of that and intended to focus on myself and my tennis game, which I did.

I was a SAHM and my husband was doing a lot of travelling over the years.

I answered, absolutely not.
I was finally going to have a bit of solid time for myself.

I could have returned to work and added substantially to their inheritance and juggled 4 in secondary school and everything else, but you what? I didn't fancy it.

I saw and continue to see the women run ragged around me, and them. Trying to do it all, thanklessly.

So no, I didn't return to working full-time.
It's not like I was saving lives, just a boring bloody accountant.

But some women really don't like it, thats for sure.

The day DH and I retired, DH was asked by a friend if he wanted a 'little job'. We had literally just closed our shop after 30 years, the last 2 being particularly stressful due to collapsing footfall in the high street. He has also been asked to work in a charity organising shipments of shoeboxes for children, and other stuff that involves long term commitment. In all cases, he has said no. Quite firmly. Usually followed by ' I have worked for 50 years, I don't intend to work again' He happily gets stuck in to loads of volunteer work, but only ad hoc. He, and you, have spent a lifetime controlled by the clock and other people, now it your time to do what you want, when you want. Be firm.

I wouldn’t send one that long @GoldAndSilverBells mine would be “I know you’re trying to help, but I’ve been working almost non-stop for xx years apart from 2 mat leaves and I’m looking forward to some ‘me time’. I have no intention of working, never mind for free, and walking groups might be your thing, but they’re my idea of hell, so thank you for thinking of me but please don’t add me to the rota, or walking group, as I won’t be coming. Look forward to seeing you soon”

I'd laugh and say "haha, no chance, I've worked hard for 43 years, it's time for me to enjoy my life now!"

As for the walking group, I'd give a puzzled look and say "it doesn't make sense for me to drive a 14mile round trip to go for a walk. I'm more than happy to carry on walking without joining a group, but thank you for the invite!"

Me too!
Just say you're glad she enjoys doing what she does, but you have other plans to please yourself and it doesn't include more working or walking! Personally I couldn't think of anything worse! If she asks what you'll be doing, tell her you'll let her know when you know, or "As little as possible!".

What a flippin' cheek!

Enjoy whatever you do! 💐

Best to avoid her for a while anyway as it sounds like she'll only harass you if you see her.

And it should be a written message anyway because she may pretend there was room for negotiation otherwise. Black and white letters can be referred to later.

Oh, and it should be a clear, absolutely unequivocal No. No forever, not let's see or anything that can be deliberately misinterpreted.

‘Ah, thanks for the offer but no. I’ve got lots of plans and looking forward to doing my own thing. Can’t wait!’ Big smile, the end. Repeat.

Do you need the second paragraph of this?

I think it is perfectly reasonable to say you don't want to do it, but I would find that paragraph overkill. You can be firm without labouring the point.

I think if you take that paragraph out it is probably fine. It still makes the point.

Has anyone come on to point out that 'NO' is a complete sentence?

No need for long paragraphs. Just say 'No thanks'. You don't owe it to her to justify your decision. Be firm. Don't say 'I'll think about it'. Imagine what it would be like if you did let her railroad you into just doing one shift - you'd never get out of it then! She's obviously the type who likes organising other people and is good at wearing them down with repeated guilt trips. All you need to say is 'No'. Even 'thanks' is superfluous. Stop being such a people-pleaser and get used to protect your own boundaries and time. And have a wonderful retirement.

Good point!