DH's cousin's wife is getting on my nerves, trying to line up shifts for me at her charity shop when I retire, and trying to get me to join her walking group! AIBU to ask you fine people how the heck I can deal with her?!!!

[GoldAndSilverBells]

This is doing my head in, and I just wondered how to handle it.

I am due to retire soon. May possibly be early next year. (Luckily, I am retiring a few years earlier than I thought I would be able to - at 60.)

DH's cousin's wife, works for a charity shop, and is the Deputy Manager, and all she has banged on about, since DH decided to mention (about 3 months ago,) that I may be retiring soon is how wonderful it is that they'll have an extra pair of hands in the charity shop, and has told me to let her know when I retire, so she can pop me on the rota!

I mean, WTF? I have worked since I was 16, so about 43 years, with no break, other than 2 maternity leaves of 4 months each (and they're not holidays,) and she has me lined up for work in her shop. 'I'm sure we can squeeze a couple of 8 hour shifts a week out of you!' she said smugly the other day.

She is also trying to get me to join her 'walking group.' She lives 7 miles away, and it's her village walking group, so I would have to drive there every time (it's twice a week.) I love walking but HATE doing it in groups. Prefer to do it alone. Sometimes with DH, or my DC, occasionally a friend, but NOT in a big group. There's 25 or so of them, and I like to walk at my own pace, and on my own chosen routes.

I could honestly cuss DH for telling her. Me retiring is none of her business! It's OK for her, up to 2 years ago (she's aged 56 now,) she has always been a homemaker/stay at home mum, (and has had no children at home for the past 12 years and was still a homemaker for another 10 years before getting this charity shop job..) There's nothing wrong with being a homemaker if it suits both of you in the couple.... But basically she has never had to work... I am looking forward to a chance to just do ....... nothing, as I have worked nearly 43 years!

Well, maybe sit in the garden reading, going for walks, (not in big groups!) and looking around the shops, and going to the woodlands, doing some gardening, writing poetry, and just doing what I want to, after 43 years of work. OK, the last 28 have been part time - 20 to 22 hours a week, but I was raising a family as well as working part time, (our DC left around 6-7 years ago,) and I am looking forward to the total freedom, and not having to do anything, unless I want to, and I don't want DH's bossy cousin's wife arranging my life for me. (DH is planning on retiring about 2 years after me......)

So far, I have just been like 'err, ha ha, errrm, well...' and she's moved on to the next subject (we see her maybe once every 3-4 weeks.) DH said I just need to tell her NO, but how can I word it without sounding horrible? She is really bossy, and I am quite placid and quiet.. Upshot is I am not working in the charity shop because I don't want to, OR joining the 'walking group!' I hate big group gatherings, and am a free spirit, and always get lost in these groups and ignored, because I'm fairly quiet.

HELP! How can I deal with this? I'm so annoyed that I have to!!!

I agree! This is clear and concise.

Take my advice. When I retired I said I would not be committing to anything for at least a year otherwise you get people trying to collar you into loads of things. Point out you have worked 43 years and have no desire to start committing your time for the foreseeable. Be firm. You might have a local walking group which might be better but that is up to you.

My old dad had a saying for these 'awkward' situations where you want to say no, but have been put on the spot, it went -
"if they're cheeky enough to ask, you can be cheeky enough to say no"
She sounds a horrible manipulative typical do-gooder, who gives the rest of them a bad name.

Just tell her you are not interested thanks?

I love being retired because I don’t have to be anywhere at any particular time. Just say you’re having at least two years not committed to anything, and after that you’ll decide whether you love the idle life or if you want to do something else.

It’s not ‘cheeky’ to say no though. Saying no is a perfectly normal polite way of responding when someone asks you something or tell you they want you to do something you don’t want to.

Thank you but…

”I could think of NOTHING worse!”

Practise in the mirror over and over until you can say it with gusto.

Stage 2 is the death stare!

Stop pussyfooting around and tell her that no, you won't be doing any shifts at her charity shop. You're retiring and planning to actually enjoy your retirement. If she dares to persist, I'd also say it's mind boggling to you that she thinks people want to go in and work for free for people who are actually getting paid (like she is) for doing the same fucking work. Charities that do that are taking the piss. That should shut her up.

As for her walking group, again, just say no. It's not your thing but you hope she enjoys it.

This ⬆️. I think as women we have become conditioned to be people pleasers - like the OP, and it leads to problems like this! It's certainly not "cheeky" to reject or refuse someone's suggestion.

Say no, or say that you want to have a rest after retiring for the summer and then consider what hobbies and activities you want to take up. I do actually recommend doing a charity shop shift, it’s actually pretty fun, rewarding etc but I do 4 hours a week, a set day, i wouldn’t commit to more than that unpaid (I do occasional extra shifts to cover a specific holiday for instance). As for a walking group, again not a bad thing but find a local one monthly

Honestly, I would be so pissed off - not because of the suggestions but because she thinks you have no life and need your time filling up with stuff to do.

I would say - "this is lovely, thank you for the suggestions, but I'm afraid I will be very busy with various things I planned already. I will let you know when I have free time and we will organise things then".

@GoldAndSilverBells Your planned message is crazy long and comes across as though you are annoyed with her, it also comes across as a bit pompous. I’d make it much, much shorter or better still wait until you see her and if she mentions volunteering or walking simply tell her that it was nice of her to think of you but you don’t want to do either activity. No need to make things so complicated.

No! She shouldn't tell her that! It'll be taken as "not now, but probably later"!

I don’t understand why having to communicate like a grown up human being has annoyed you so much 🤷‍♀️. No thank you, that’s not what I have planned. No thank you, that’s not for me. No thank you, I’m not interested in doing that.

rather than 4 paragraphs justifying your own perfectly reasonable decisions.

Well, if someone can't say "no" then this is a good option. Later in this case is "never". Any normal person will get the message after a couple of "no, not this week".

She's already sent a message, clearly saying no.
Definitely no and not "maybe in the future"!

that's an awful lot of details, why do you need to justify yourself?

You could be a stay-at-home wife with no children and still decline.

"no thank you!"
is more than enough.

" I can squeeze some hours out of you"
haha, thank you , but no.
"aren't you bored?" No.

and repeat.

And the paid boss, of a charity, is also a bully.

I’m not British, charity shops crop up frequently on Mumsnet. Frankly they seem a set up abusing older women as slaves so that each shop has one paid employee, whose main job is to bully retired older women into unpaid labour, which pays their salary, and pays the “higher up” charity owners on massive salaries.

It’s like a Ponzi scheme. How is this legal. Based on posts on here I’ll not set foot in a “charity” shop. Everything about it sounds abusive.

The charity sector is absolutely full of arseholes. Not amongst the people actually delivering the service on the ground, but at the higher levels, fuckers galore. I think they think working for a charity means they are always morally superior, or at least untouchable, whatever they do.

This is far too long. I would also tell her in person if you possibly can. Wait till she mentions it again and then say along the lines of, "Sorry, thanks for the thought but I've got other plans." Shut her down, don't let her engage you in the "Why, what" strategy. If necessary tell her straight that you don't want to be badgered about it.

No thank you to the first suggestion,
No thank you to the second suggestion,
What is the problem?

"That will not be happening"
Why not?
"I don't want to"

The End

Agree. The original is too wordy and contains far too much JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain).

I know that when you don't feel you're good at confrontation these are the things you're immediately tempted to do. But even though your wording is firm it still comes across as an opening to a negotiation. And with a CF - and 'Sue' IS a CF - that's how it will be taken. The fewer words you present them with, the less opportunity there is to find reasons why you really must do what the other person wants you to do in the first place. Sue doesn't sound as though she would in any way be backwards about coming forward in this respect.

@Duckiewasthefirstniceguy hits the right note, I think. Polite, to the point and much less wiggle-room for argument.

I love the reference to Phoebe on Friends: "I wish I could but I don't want to."

This reminds me of the response a friend of mine made to another friend who was being pushy about a social invitation. My friend, trying to be nice, said "I can't go because I have a conflict." Other friend pressed on with questions about the conflict. My friend responded finally: "My conflict is that I don't want to go."

I'm with you, OP. I recently retired, and I have no intention of doing anything other than exactly what I want for a while. I thought I would have trouble adjusting to retirement after 50 years of high pressured employment. The first morning I woke up with the usual first thought: "what do I have to do today." And then it sunk in: "not a damned thing." Adjustment period over. 😀

Can't you just say 'No thanks, I'm not planning to volunteer or join any groups. I'm going to enjoy each day or retirement as it comes.' It needn't matter to you that this woman would like to manage your time. It's nothing to do with you really, and all about her.