DH's cousin's wife is getting on my nerves, trying to line up shifts for me at her charity shop when I retire, and trying to get me to join her walking group! AIBU to ask you fine people how the heck I can deal with her?!!!

[GoldAndSilverBells]

This is doing my head in, and I just wondered how to handle it.

I am due to retire soon. May possibly be early next year. (Luckily, I am retiring a few years earlier than I thought I would be able to - at 60.)

DH's cousin's wife, works for a charity shop, and is the Deputy Manager, and all she has banged on about, since DH decided to mention (about 3 months ago,) that I may be retiring soon is how wonderful it is that they'll have an extra pair of hands in the charity shop, and has told me to let her know when I retire, so she can pop me on the rota!

I mean, WTF? I have worked since I was 16, so about 43 years, with no break, other than 2 maternity leaves of 4 months each (and they're not holidays,) and she has me lined up for work in her shop. 'I'm sure we can squeeze a couple of 8 hour shifts a week out of you!' she said smugly the other day.

She is also trying to get me to join her 'walking group.' She lives 7 miles away, and it's her village walking group, so I would have to drive there every time (it's twice a week.) I love walking but HATE doing it in groups. Prefer to do it alone. Sometimes with DH, or my DC, occasionally a friend, but NOT in a big group. There's 25 or so of them, and I like to walk at my own pace, and on my own chosen routes.

I could honestly cuss DH for telling her. Me retiring is none of her business! It's OK for her, up to 2 years ago (she's aged 56 now,) she has always been a homemaker/stay at home mum, (and has had no children at home for the past 12 years and was still a homemaker for another 10 years before getting this charity shop job..) There's nothing wrong with being a homemaker if it suits both of you in the couple.... But basically she has never had to work... I am looking forward to a chance to just do ....... nothing, as I have worked nearly 43 years!

Well, maybe sit in the garden reading, going for walks, (not in big groups!) and looking around the shops, and going to the woodlands, doing some gardening, writing poetry, and just doing what I want to, after 43 years of work. OK, the last 28 have been part time - 20 to 22 hours a week, but I was raising a family as well as working part time, (our DC left around 6-7 years ago,) and I am looking forward to the total freedom, and not having to do anything, unless I want to, and I don't want DH's bossy cousin's wife arranging my life for me. (DH is planning on retiring about 2 years after me......)

So far, I have just been like 'err, ha ha, errrm, well...' and she's moved on to the next subject (we see her maybe once every 3-4 weeks.) DH said I just need to tell her NO, but how can I word it without sounding horrible? She is really bossy, and I am quite placid and quiet.. Upshot is I am not working in the charity shop because I don't want to, OR joining the 'walking group!' I hate big group gatherings, and am a free spirit, and always get lost in these groups and ignored, because I'm fairly quiet.

HELP! How can I deal with this? I'm so annoyed that I have to!!!

OP, just say no. You don’t need to say anything else. You don’t have to explain or justify. You just need to find the confidence to say ‘no thank you, I don’t want to’ - on repeat if necessary if she’s persistent. But IME once you start to try to justify why you won’t or don’t want to do it, people will jump in to rebuff and you’ll end up badgered into doing it anyway. ‘No’ is a complete sentence.

Someone said to me recently ‘explaining is begging’ and it felt so useful! I get a blunt ‘no’ might not feel right, but a firm ‘no thanks, I’m not planning anything yet,’ and then repeat, repeat, repeat…

I'm sorry, it's not always easy to just say No to someone you see regularly.

It's ok to find this hard - it's not a fault or failure on your part.

There is nothing wrong with being a quiet person who isn't assertive.

I would choose your favourite response that's been suggested - the one you are most comfortable with, and use that, stick to it - put it on a post-it note on the fridge to practice if it helps.
Things like I've worked all my life and will be taking a complete break before making any commitments or plans for my retirement... face to face or text or email, whichever works best for you.

Honestly you are way overthinking and dealing with this. It really is as simple, next time she mentions it, as saying “ha ha good one Susan, absolutely not, no way am I working ever again and certainly not for free” and to her walking group “no thanks, I can think of nothing worse than walking miles with people I don’t know and have no desire to get to know”.

I think your message is far too long winded. She won't bother to read it properly and will ignore it completely and keep pushing. Short and to the point would be better.

Just let her put you on the rota and not turn up.

Posters come onto Mumsnet. They explain in reasonable terms why they dont want to do something

I am not a group person
I am looking forward to less committments

And so on.

Then they ask advice of how to handle this. Well why not explain in exactly the same explicit manner to the person concerned. If they take offence or get upset then tough titty. You are not going to please al of the people all of the time. So begin by pleasing yourself.

My mums like this and also micromanages tiny little details, and has an opinion on EVERYTHING. Example of my tactics with her, I was visiting recently and used olive oil in cooking, she came back and asked what oil I used (yes normal ppl don't care but she does) as she clearly knew I'd used olive oil but thought it should have been vegetable oil. I just said "I used whatever oil you think I should have used" and when she said we'll which one I said again, "the one you think"

I do it for her too when she asks my why for things, or why not usually. I just say "for whatever reason you will accept" and leave it there, shows her that's she's being unreasonable too as an added bonus.

It's maddening, you'll just have to be firm and if she keeps bringing it up just say "I'm not going to be recruited for anything so it's best you stop asking CF"

No, that's too long and wordy. I retired at Easter, and have been badgered by three separate hobby groups to take on committee work or become society secretary or whatever.

I say to people that I've been working for 45 years and have had enough of it, so I'm looking forward to being able to do nothing for once. When they keep on, I just say thanks for asking me, but I'm not able to commit to doing that, sorry.

Because they want to sound "nice" and be the good guy. People rarely want to be accountable for their actions!

Honestly just make a laugh it off - I will get you on the rota once you retire. ‘Haha you wish’ What? Why not? ‘I’m retiring so I don’t have to work, not so I can work for free haha.’

You have to say, "gosh no, I don't want to work in a shop and I don't like walking in groups. I'm looking forward to doing very little and picking and choosing my own activities".
Not wanting to do something really is the best reason you can give. No one can give a counter argument.

That's a good one!

No don’t send this- you’re making far too big a deal of it.

I’ve put you down for Wednesday and Thursday at the charity shop. Gosh no thankyou , I’ve retired , I don’t plan on working ever again!

I agree, less justification and more concise.

this message is perfect, Op ⬆️ @GoldAndSilverBells

Tell her thanks but no thanks. Clarify that you have worked outside of the home for over 40 years and you are looking forward to having an open schedule. You'll let her know if you change your mind.

If she brings it up again, I wouldn't engage. At that point, you have given your answer.

Not sure if you've sent that message yet, but it's giving her FAR too much of an explanation than she deserves. Just keep it brief the very next time she brings it up to shut it down for good.

Well blaming your DH for "telling her" is a bit U. Being retired isn't exactly the sort of thing you can hide for long.

"Oh, thanks for thinking of me Jean, but I'm not looking to volunteer. And I like to walk as you know, but not in big groups". Done.

I agree with you OP, she is overstepping and needs to be put right. But I think your message is too wordy.

I’d go for something short with no apologies -
Thanks for the offers for my retirement. Having worked for my adult life I am now looking forward to the freedom of retirement. So I won’t be available to volunteer in the charity shop and walking groups are not something I want to be part of. However I look forward to continuing to . . . (Something about how you socialise now)

Obviously you just say sorry but no, I’m spending my retirement doing naff all because I’ve earned it. Problem solved.

"Thank you for your invitation but I am going to have to pass on it but thanks for thinking of me"

A firm ‘no thanks, I’m planning to take some well earned time for myself with no pressure to fill it with anything’ is needed here. Some people need to fill their time. The rest of us…don’t. Congratulations on your impending retirement op. You’ve earned it!

Hey Sue, a few times now, you've mentioned to Dave (my husband) and to me, that once I retire - which will be soon - you can't wait to have me working in your charity shop, and also want me to join your walking group.
I'm not sure how you've come to the conclusion that I want to do either one. I've never shown any interest! I have worked for over 40 years now, and am not looking to be working ever again to be honest! Not even voluntarily, not even for a few hours a week, let alone 16. (In case she tries to say 'but what about just a few hours then...?')
I have my own hobbies and plans and will be busy, and aren't interested in doing shifts in your charity shop, or joining the walking group. I really dislike walking in big groups anyway, and prefer to walk alone... and I have no intention of working in any shop of any kind, or anywhere actually!
Appreciate you may have been just thinking about me, as you think I'll have lots of free time now and may be struggling to find things to do, but I have LOADS of things planned, so I won't be joining the walking group - or coming to work in your charity shop.

Too wordy by far.

I think getting into a to and fro will end up in you signed up to doing 24 hours a week if you start a conversation. She will see it as a challenge.

Next time it is mentioned with you in the room, just laugh/roll your eyes and say 'good god no' and change the subject. Spend the interim practicing saying No.

“Ha ha, absolutely not. I’m looking forward to doing nothing and pleasing myself after working for X yrs solid”

And then every future time just say no. Ultimately she can’t make you go. If she keeps persisting just don’t turn up there, and then say “I told you no and you didn’t listen”.

Shes an absolute CF!

The “squeezing a couple of shifts out of you” comment would particularly put my back up.

To the 'wet lettuce' crowd; The inability to say no is because of the conditioning from birth to be 'nice' has wrought.
It's not a character flaw. It's brainwashing.