DH's cousin's wife is getting on my nerves, trying to line up shifts for me at her charity shop when I retire, and trying to get me to join her walking group! AIBU to ask you fine people how the heck I can deal with her?!!!

[GoldAndSilverBells]

This is doing my head in, and I just wondered how to handle it.

I am due to retire soon. May possibly be early next year. (Luckily, I am retiring a few years earlier than I thought I would be able to - at 60.)

DH's cousin's wife, works for a charity shop, and is the Deputy Manager, and all she has banged on about, since DH decided to mention (about 3 months ago,) that I may be retiring soon is how wonderful it is that they'll have an extra pair of hands in the charity shop, and has told me to let her know when I retire, so she can pop me on the rota!

I mean, WTF? I have worked since I was 16, so about 43 years, with no break, other than 2 maternity leaves of 4 months each (and they're not holidays,) and she has me lined up for work in her shop. 'I'm sure we can squeeze a couple of 8 hour shifts a week out of you!' she said smugly the other day.

She is also trying to get me to join her 'walking group.' She lives 7 miles away, and it's her village walking group, so I would have to drive there every time (it's twice a week.) I love walking but HATE doing it in groups. Prefer to do it alone. Sometimes with DH, or my DC, occasionally a friend, but NOT in a big group. There's 25 or so of them, and I like to walk at my own pace, and on my own chosen routes.

I could honestly cuss DH for telling her. Me retiring is none of her business! It's OK for her, up to 2 years ago (she's aged 56 now,) she has always been a homemaker/stay at home mum, (and has had no children at home for the past 12 years and was still a homemaker for another 10 years before getting this charity shop job..) There's nothing wrong with being a homemaker if it suits both of you in the couple.... But basically she has never had to work... I am looking forward to a chance to just do ....... nothing, as I have worked nearly 43 years!

Well, maybe sit in the garden reading, going for walks, (not in big groups!) and looking around the shops, and going to the woodlands, doing some gardening, writing poetry, and just doing what I want to, after 43 years of work. OK, the last 28 have been part time - 20 to 22 hours a week, but I was raising a family as well as working part time, (our DC left around 6-7 years ago,) and I am looking forward to the total freedom, and not having to do anything, unless I want to, and I don't want DH's bossy cousin's wife arranging my life for me. (DH is planning on retiring about 2 years after me......)

So far, I have just been like 'err, ha ha, errrm, well...' and she's moved on to the next subject (we see her maybe once every 3-4 weeks.) DH said I just need to tell her NO, but how can I word it without sounding horrible? She is really bossy, and I am quite placid and quiet.. Upshot is I am not working in the charity shop because I don't want to, OR joining the 'walking group!' I hate big group gatherings, and am a free spirit, and always get lost in these groups and ignored, because I'm fairly quiet.

HELP! How can I deal with this? I'm so annoyed that I have to!!!

Ok
👍

Sadly some people can't hear no without becoming upset or angry. Sometimes they give you no option other than to give in to them or to look like an arse for refusing. In fact, it can suit them very well to force us int that position because it's probably a tactic that works for them a lot! What this tactic doesn't do is allow you your own basic human need for autonomy!

I totally get your dilemma! I did read your initial post and think 'why the hell don't you just tell her firmly?'... but I then examined my own life and realised I was only feeling annoyed with you because I'm annoyed with myself for all the times I go along with stuff out of politeness or fear of conflict or whatever.

To add to the great advice you've had: it's helped me to think a bit about each person's thoughts and emotions as their own thing - a sort of colour cloud around them. Likewise we have our own. We sometimes influence one another's thoughts and emotions. The colour clouds merge for a bit, interact, react. Knowing this, it is probably a decent and good thing to be mindful of this and try not to go out of our way to upset or annoy others unnecessarily. But this must be within reasonable limits. Ultimately their thoughts and emotions are theirs, and yours are yours. We are all carrying our own personalities and personal histories and our own joys and our own pains, and we can't be fully responsible for another person's stuff. Nor can we control another person's reactions to us. Even trying to live your life pleasing others and trying to avoid or soothe their sadness, anger, annoyance etc is doomed to fail because people's emotions are about more than us. I also reckon that by trying to ignore or sideline ourselves, we probably end up leaking our emotions out in some other way (please see anyone ever who is passive aggressive or seething with inner resentment about stuff they can't express, or who just generally gives off a sense that something isn't congruent between what they say and what they feel).

In short: we are entitled to say no. Other people are entitled not to like it. We can't stop them being angry or sad or disappointed or whatever because those are pretty understandable emotions when things don't go your way (for reference please see every toddler ever). But unless they're in a position of power over us, or conversely vulnerable in a way that suggests a need to compromise to please them just for now, it ultimately isn't our problem (and the latter can end up feeling like kindness but turning into cruelty over time if it isn't done with limits, too).

If she's as bossy and domineering as you've expressed here then you have to be firm or she will trample all over you.

Say: I'm not interested in working in the charity shop or the walking group but thank you for thinking of me.

If she keeps going, you reiterate: I've said no, thank you. I won't be discussing it further.

And change the subject or walk away. Keep repeating that you won't discuss it further if she pushes and if she still persists: "I've clearly expressed that I don't want to. Please drop it now or I'll have to ask you to leave."

Or get your partner to undo the mess he created by getting him to tell her you're not interested.

Some GREAT suggestions on here.... I think something like this is quite fitting.

I don't what to say 'actually Sue I'm really sorry but but but....' because as a few posters have suggested, it sounds wet-lettuce like, and gives her room to push back. I don't need to apologise for saying no. I need to fight fire with fire and not be soft. It's not in my nature to be hard and tough though, so I think a comment similar to this may be the way to go.

Here's what I'm thinking of sending...

Hey Sue, a few times now, you've mentioned to Dave (my husband) and to me, that once I retire - which will be soon - you can't wait to have me working in your charity shop, and also want me to join your walking group.

I'm not sure how you've come to the conclusion that I want to do either one. I've never shown any interest! I have worked for over 40 years now, and am not looking to be working ever again to be honest! Not even voluntarily, not even for a few hours a week, let alone 16. (In case she tries to say 'but what about just a few hours then...?')

I have my own hobbies and plans and will be busy, and aren't interested in doing shifts in your charity shop, or joining the walking group. I really dislike walking in big groups anyway, and prefer to walk alone... and I have no intention of working in any shop of any kind, or anywhere actually!

Appreciate you may have been just thinking about me, as you think I'll have lots of free time now and may be struggling to find things to do, but I have LOADS of things planned, so I won't be joining the walking group - or coming to work in your charity shop.

I'm not going to say 'I will let you know if things change and I change my mind' because that leaves the door open for her to keep prodding me and saying 'have you changed your mind yet?' And I am not going to lie or make things up.

Honestly, I know it's probably not that easy to say how I will feel after 6-12 months of retirement, but I KNOW I will not want to work in the charity shop, OR be in the walking group. I doubt very much I will EVER want to do either of these things. Especially not with this bossy woman!

Thanks again everyone. I am sending this message later, when I know she'll be in. Will update with her response this evening! 👀

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Having read through all this thread one other thing comes to mind.

This woman has probably been annoying other people, badgering them and gladly pressganging them into activities they don't want to do for a very long time.

In being assertive and telling her a firm no she may initially be shocked as she is not used to people resisting her meddling. But I can bet there will be a lot of people in her sphere that will admire you and feel slightly emboldened by your action in telling her where to get off.

In short, you will probably be.doing the whole village a favour!!!

@Jasmin71 You're probably right!

Thanks for the update, OP - that's a very polite but very clear message. No room for misunderstanding, and no lying!
Good luck 🤞!

I think the thing that's annoyed you is that she thinks it's ok to use your time. I've got cousins like that, they are really big on rotas. No I will do what I want when I can exactly like them. My time isn't for their use.

You have to tell her no. Repeatedly.

You don't have to. Maybe she thinks she's being kind, as a lot of people apparently get mental and physical health benefits out of volunteering/walking in groups as opposed to alone.
But it's not compulsory. Not quite sure why you didn't just say no thanks the first time, but be clear now-you don't want to do those things. If that changes, ever, you'll let her know, but for now, please can she stop mentioning it.
If she continues to push, calmly repeat, and say if she brings it up again, unfortunately you'll have to leave, as she's stressing your restful retirement!

You've already answered your own question. Just tell her what you told us: "I love walking but HATE doing it in groups. Prefer to do it alone. Sometimes with DH, or my DC, occasionally a friend, but NOT in a big group." And "I am looking forward to the total freedom, and not having to do anything, unless I want to" "as I have worked nearly 43 years". That is polite, perfectly acceptable, etc. If she says "but why?" just repeat yourself. If she keeps countering you keep repeating yourself.

No doubt like the rest of us who are retired you will find ways of filling your time. Just say I have my own plans thanks and having time to myself is important.

How about:

Hi Sue,

You’ve mentioned a few times to both Dave and me that, once I retire, you’d like me to work in your charity shop and join your walking group.

I just wanted to say that I won’t be doing either. Retirement for me means no more work, paid or voluntary, and I already have plenty of plans and interests to keep me busy.

I’m also not really a walking group person, so I won’t be joining that either.

I appreciate you thinking of me, but my retirement is already fully accounted for!

Less justification, still polite.

True, and those people are dicks. But the OP’s friend hadn’t got the message hadn’t actually given her a message. She’d just um’ed and ah’ed and said ‘Haha, um, well’ instead saying ‘I’ve already got some retirement plans in mind so I’m not looking for anything to do or join - definitely don’t fancy volunteering and I don’t really like walking in a group. Thanks though’.

Text her thanks but no thanks. It's really not hard.

Just say you’re not going to be volunteering there. And that you prefer to walk alone. Just express your preferences! It’s not rude to do so.

You kind of ruin your point after saying you’ve worked 43 years when you then say that for 28 of that you only worked part time though.

Im close to retirement and I think I would need a few weeks, months, whatever to adjust. Its a massive event in so many ways and the idea of retiring is quite scary. You kind of lose your"identity" and sense of worth for a while I would imagine. So the last thing you need is to be railroaded into things you really dont want to do. Suggest you say you are going to need time to process being retired and that youll let her know. Hopefully then youll be too busy to squeeze all her suggestions in!

Thanks for the offer Sandra but no thanks

No thanks Sandra

No Sandra

Fuck off Sandra

That just encourages her to keep pestering.

Not really

You just say “No thank you, I don’t want to”

and aren't interested in doing shifts in your charity shop,

@GoldAndSilverBells the only thing I'd change is "am not" for "aren't" because I am a pedant.

Otherwise you've absolutely nailed it - no chance of volunteering, not interested in walking, thanks for thinking of me but HELL NO.

This is a perfect solution from @CoffeeBeansGalore .

Don't let anyone bully you like this. It surely must be your time to enjoy life now.

You can find activities yourself as you go along. Or not.

A friend told me this years ago - 'No.' Is a complete sentence. I wouldnt mince your words or say, well i might at some point. Say no or what you have said to us here. There is no shame in not wanting to volunteer i did it for years and sometimes to my detriment - enjoy your retirement 🥳.

All this explaining. Just say no and anything after that don't engage.

I'd be blunt and say "to be honest when I retire I want to do bugger all, eat cake and watch Netflix when I want. I will be very much out of office, permanently".