DH's cousin's wife is getting on my nerves, trying to line up shifts for me at her charity shop when I retire, and trying to get me to join her walking group! AIBU to ask you fine people how the heck I can deal with her?!!!

[GoldAndSilverBells]

This is doing my head in, and I just wondered how to handle it.

I am due to retire soon. May possibly be early next year. (Luckily, I am retiring a few years earlier than I thought I would be able to - at 60.)

DH's cousin's wife, works for a charity shop, and is the Deputy Manager, and all she has banged on about, since DH decided to mention (about 3 months ago,) that I may be retiring soon is how wonderful it is that they'll have an extra pair of hands in the charity shop, and has told me to let her know when I retire, so she can pop me on the rota!

I mean, WTF? I have worked since I was 16, so about 43 years, with no break, other than 2 maternity leaves of 4 months each (and they're not holidays,) and she has me lined up for work in her shop. 'I'm sure we can squeeze a couple of 8 hour shifts a week out of you!' she said smugly the other day.

She is also trying to get me to join her 'walking group.' She lives 7 miles away, and it's her village walking group, so I would have to drive there every time (it's twice a week.) I love walking but HATE doing it in groups. Prefer to do it alone. Sometimes with DH, or my DC, occasionally a friend, but NOT in a big group. There's 25 or so of them, and I like to walk at my own pace, and on my own chosen routes.

I could honestly cuss DH for telling her. Me retiring is none of her business! It's OK for her, up to 2 years ago (she's aged 56 now,) she has always been a homemaker/stay at home mum, (and has had no children at home for the past 12 years and was still a homemaker for another 10 years before getting this charity shop job..) There's nothing wrong with being a homemaker if it suits both of you in the couple.... But basically she has never had to work... I am looking forward to a chance to just do ....... nothing, as I have worked nearly 43 years!

Well, maybe sit in the garden reading, going for walks, (not in big groups!) and looking around the shops, and going to the woodlands, doing some gardening, writing poetry, and just doing what I want to, after 43 years of work. OK, the last 28 have been part time - 20 to 22 hours a week, but I was raising a family as well as working part time, (our DC left around 6-7 years ago,) and I am looking forward to the total freedom, and not having to do anything, unless I want to, and I don't want DH's bossy cousin's wife arranging my life for me. (DH is planning on retiring about 2 years after me......)

So far, I have just been like 'err, ha ha, errrm, well...' and she's moved on to the next subject (we see her maybe once every 3-4 weeks.) DH said I just need to tell her NO, but how can I word it without sounding horrible? She is really bossy, and I am quite placid and quiet.. Upshot is I am not working in the charity shop because I don't want to, OR joining the 'walking group!' I hate big group gatherings, and am a free spirit, and always get lost in these groups and ignored, because I'm fairly quiet.

HELP! How can I deal with this? I'm so annoyed that I have to!!!

"For fuck's sake, Janet, I've spent forty-three years being told what to do at work and I'm absolutely fucked if I'm going to take orders when I retire. Can you not get it into your head that I don't want to volunteer and I have no intention of joining a walking group?" That should do it!

I feel for you, OP. Knock it on the head!
When I was approaching retirement, a lot of friends and well-meaning colleagues expressed their concern. I would get bored, I wouldn't know what to do with myself, I should join their group/committee... And many of them did just that when they retired. Some were working voluntarily (aka without pay) for 8-12 hours a day! Madness.
Say no. And say no again.

You could say - No, I am retiring from routine, obligation and this is my reset. I have no idea what next, but I am not willing to get stuck in a routine or do that which doesn't bring me joy. Thanks for the suggestions but not for me at this moment, I'm going to enjoy the space to try new things, so no, don't want to volunteer for anything for the foreseeable.

Love a shit sandwich.

There definitely is a kind of person who chooses not to hear no and can go on.

A WhatsApp message spelling out your position can be very valuable as you can refer back to it if she brings it up.

After you send the WhatsApp and if she continues to be a pain in the arse you could ask her if she is ok as despite you telling her No she continues to ask.
Ask HER if everything is ok and should she see her GP...for a checkup.

Lol, exactly

Charity starts at home Sandra and thats exactly where Im going to be, putting my feet up and letting others get on with work hahahaha

‘No I don’t want to do that!’ and if she keeps on ‘I’ve made my decision and it’s a no!’ If she still keeps on ‘as I said I have made up my mind and I don’t want to discuss it further!’

Surely it's crossed wires regarding the charity shop work? Why would she just assume you'd be working there? Has your husband given her the wrong idea?

If it is the thought of how to phrase it without it being a hard 'no', there are lots of firm clarity you can give

'I cant think of anything worse'
'My god I wont be working, hahahaha'
'I dont even shop in charity shops, I dont want to work in one thanks'

and so on.

If your husband's cousin's wife is bossy, she's likely has a rather thick skin. In this situation, you can't be anything other than firm and blunt!

Next time she says anything, completely shut her down. 'No Joan, that's not something I am interested in doing at all'. 'Thanks for the invite to join your walking group, I won't be coming, group walking isn't something that interests me'.

You need to be very clear, firm and blunt! Any further attempts should be met with 'No, I have told you, I'm not interested'. 'No, I'm not at all interested and won't be changing my mind, please stop asking'.

You don't need to be rude, raise your voice, just stay calm and polite!!

I would come back with "you are misunderstanding the word "retirement", if I wanted to keep working 2 days a week I'd stay in my job and get paid for my time. I'm looking forward to seeing what the next phase of my life will look like but it will not involve taking on alternative employment or bouncing to the sound of someone else's drum"

My dad retired a couple of years ago, he is very handy, can fix anything and has built cars from scratch. My aunt and uncle run a sports club and despite the family being involved for the last 3 generations my dad has never ever shown any sign in wanting to join up but now he's retired he's is being hassled by aunt and uncle that he needs to join. Almost certainly because they are after a free handy man. My dad has taken up walking in his retirement and does 15-30k steps a day but has absolutely no interest in joining a walking group either. He just heads out of the house on a wander and see who he comes across.

This. Give yourself breathing space to decide how you will spend YOUR time.

@GoldAndSilverBells Saying NO is easy. Having the will to stand by it is harder. However with pushy people questioning and looking for work arounds to what you say there is one tactic I've found that has never failed me.

Just keep repeating your first answers "No" CW "why not?" You "because I don't want to" cheeky fuckers like your cousins wife repeatedly push and use work arounds to wear you down and change your mind by simply repeating yourself they will eventually realise your answer won't change no matter how pushy they become and they eventually give up.

Also OP I know being assertive is alien to you but the more you do it the better you become. Think of it like this pushy cheeky fuckers get away with this behaviour because they rely on people being too polite to call them out or say no. They don't care about your feelings so don't care about theirs. Also what is the worse that can happen? Cousin's wife will be pushy either way so you may as well say no and get something out of it by spending your retirement however you damn well please.

This.

Sounds like she's trying to help.

“You know what, Deirdre…? It’s nice that you’re excited but I have so many plans I am absolutely not going to commit to either of these things.”
*She will press this
”After 43 years of working my arse off Deirdre, I am most excited by having some time to myself”

Just tell her: no, thank you. I already have plans for my retirement.

You are planning on doing nothing so that's not a lie!

You just laugh it off and say ‘no thanks, I am very much looking forward to spending my retirement how I want’ and that’s absolutely that.

Don't do this. She'll think it's a "yes, just not at the moment".

Very true. Why do people on here always suggest lying? It doesn't solve the problem and usually complicates it.

You make this decision, you decide on the method of communicating it, you receive scores of succinct and firm sample messages to model, and then hours later you're just popping off to do something, and you haven't actually sent the message.

We really do need a wet lettuce emoji.

"Oh Mavis, you are funny - I can't think of a worse way to spend my time, I'd rather dig my eyeballs out with a fork!" obligatory MN tinkly laugh

"Where on earth did you get that idea from Susan, I won't be making time for anything I don't want to do!'

'It's terribly patronising kind of you to think of me, but I already have so many plans for my retirement, I won't have the time to rummage around in your wee infested chazzer'

If you do that she’ll keep pestering.

True. As pp keep saying, she's going to have to shut it down completely.

And, cut to the chase.

Deirdre, Charity shops smell, I dont want to work in one. Urgh (retch a bit for added effect)

Where is the issue? Just say no thank you.

That is what I said. The rest of my post was info for the OP.