DH's cousin's wife is getting on my nerves, trying to line up shifts for me at her charity shop when I retire, and trying to get me to join her walking group! AIBU to ask you fine people how the heck I can deal with her?!!!

[GoldAndSilverBells]

This is doing my head in, and I just wondered how to handle it.

I am due to retire soon. May possibly be early next year. (Luckily, I am retiring a few years earlier than I thought I would be able to - at 60.)

DH's cousin's wife, works for a charity shop, and is the Deputy Manager, and all she has banged on about, since DH decided to mention (about 3 months ago,) that I may be retiring soon is how wonderful it is that they'll have an extra pair of hands in the charity shop, and has told me to let her know when I retire, so she can pop me on the rota!

I mean, WTF? I have worked since I was 16, so about 43 years, with no break, other than 2 maternity leaves of 4 months each (and they're not holidays,) and she has me lined up for work in her shop. 'I'm sure we can squeeze a couple of 8 hour shifts a week out of you!' she said smugly the other day.

She is also trying to get me to join her 'walking group.' She lives 7 miles away, and it's her village walking group, so I would have to drive there every time (it's twice a week.) I love walking but HATE doing it in groups. Prefer to do it alone. Sometimes with DH, or my DC, occasionally a friend, but NOT in a big group. There's 25 or so of them, and I like to walk at my own pace, and on my own chosen routes.

I could honestly cuss DH for telling her. Me retiring is none of her business! It's OK for her, up to 2 years ago (she's aged 56 now,) she has always been a homemaker/stay at home mum, (and has had no children at home for the past 12 years and was still a homemaker for another 10 years before getting this charity shop job..) There's nothing wrong with being a homemaker if it suits both of you in the couple.... But basically she has never had to work... I am looking forward to a chance to just do ....... nothing, as I have worked nearly 43 years!

Well, maybe sit in the garden reading, going for walks, (not in big groups!) and looking around the shops, and going to the woodlands, doing some gardening, writing poetry, and just doing what I want to, after 43 years of work. OK, the last 28 have been part time - 20 to 22 hours a week, but I was raising a family as well as working part time, (our DC left around 6-7 years ago,) and I am looking forward to the total freedom, and not having to do anything, unless I want to, and I don't want DH's bossy cousin's wife arranging my life for me. (DH is planning on retiring about 2 years after me......)

So far, I have just been like 'err, ha ha, errrm, well...' and she's moved on to the next subject (we see her maybe once every 3-4 weeks.) DH said I just need to tell her NO, but how can I word it without sounding horrible? She is really bossy, and I am quite placid and quiet.. Upshot is I am not working in the charity shop because I don't want to, OR joining the 'walking group!' I hate big group gatherings, and am a free spirit, and always get lost in these groups and ignored, because I'm fairly quiet.

HELP! How can I deal with this? I'm so annoyed that I have to!!!

’Thank you for thinking of me. I’m going to take some time and breathing space to think about what I’d like to do next’

@BillieWiper’s reply is absolutely spot on, @GoldAndSilverBells - it’s polite but firm and clear.

These sorts of people piss me off !!
if you WhatsApp her then at least it’s easier to be stronger than perhaps you’d be in person.
personally I’d say, just wanted to let you know that as I’ve been working since I was xx, I’m really not going to be working in the charity shop. Mr life will be changing and I want to settle into my own routines with no ties, so please don’t consider putting me on he rota as I won’t be there. The walking group really isn’t my bag either but glad you’ve got things you enjoy in your life, but my retirement, I’ll be finding my own way.
Good luck!

Use your words.

Tell her 'no'.

NO

“Oh god no, that sounds awful” and then tell her your old company is hiring, would she like some paid work?

Another thing to consider, OP: right now, she’s saying she wants you to do two shifts a week. However, if she manages to railroad you into it, she will then push for more and more of your time until eventually you’re working full-time in the charity shop. Nip it in the bud now!!

It’s not that complicated. Say ‘thank you for thinking of me but I will have plenty to keep me busy when I retire’.
That’s it - sorted.

Just say "I don't fancy working in a charity shop or anywhere once I retire..I have worked for 40 odd years so looking forward to doing my own interests and hobbies" For the walking group maybe tell her you would rather do Pilates or Yoga (make something up)

What days shall I put you down for to work in the shop?

None! I thought you were joking! I’ve worked for 40 odd years. I’m not doing it in my retirement too 😂

When are you joining our walking group?

Oh God no! Thanks for thinking of me and I love walking but I can’t think of anything worse than doing it in a big group and not being able to veer off somewhere else if it looks interesting. You have fun though 🙂

Just say you are going to have a good break before you decide what you want to do with your retirement, be firm about it and then change the subject.

When I retired people would ask me “So are you going to do any volunteer work with all your spare time?” Probably because I’d always worked in a caring profession.
My straight answer was “No, I’ve spent my entire career working with people. This is my time to do what I want when I want.”
Hats off to anyone who wants to volunteer/ join groups etc, but I never did.
“No thanks, I’m looking forward to spending my time how I want to spend it, and that won’t include volunteer work in any shape or form. And I’m not planning on joining any groups. Thanks for the suggestions but it doesn’t appeal to me at all.” End. Don’t let her bully you. Good luck!

Put your big girl pants on and tell her no.

Having to remember a web of lies you've created to me sounds a lot more difficult than just saying no.

By health doesn’t mean physically. When I’m retiring I plan on doing bugger all for my health because I’m knackered. Health doesn’t have to mean physically not able to. And op mentioned how many years she worked. It’s not that deep

I would hate that, why can’t people leave you be.

I think you should go for what I call the laughing truth. When she says “right I am going to put you down for Tuesdays and Thursdays”, laugh loudly and then say firmly “oh Barbara, that’s my idea of utter hell. Nothing would induce me to do that - I’d rather stick pins in my eyes”. Then a little more laughter. Act as if it’s a bonkers and funny idea to take the wind out of her sails.

Channel your anger at her presumption into a firm 'no'. You know you have to do it, and no reasonable person would question it. Of course you don't want to be told how to spend your time before you've even started your retirement! Who would? I'd probably tell her you're planning to just do exactly what suits you for a good long while once you retire, and the thought of volunteering in a charity shop or walking in a group doesn't appeal. So what if she's offended? She'll get over it, or not. Whatever.

Thanks for the offer but I'd rather stick pins in my eyes.
Edit to say - I'm pleased to see another poster who also uses that phrase. 😁

Oh please say this!

Hard agree with this! Follow up with sticking your fingers in your ears and going la la la.

Nip it in the bud now. "Thanks so much, Hyancith, but this is my time now. I've had 40+ years of rotas and I'm not about to commit to something else. I have some things lined up that I am interested in and those hobbies will fill my time". Do not offer any more information. If she moans, repeat over and over until she gets bored.

If she doesn't accept a polite no then say 'God I can't think of anything that I would like less than working in a charity shop or joining your walking group. Sorry but that is how I feel'. That should shut her up.

Yes why do some people not get the message. I’ve tried to say to someone I don’t like talking about politics. I’ve said it several times because we have very different views and she tends to the personality politics that she’s heard on GB News.

In the end I snapped at her and SHE got huffy. If you keep goading someone and they keep trying to reinforce their boundaries then it’s going to get tricky.

What would Nancy do?