DH's cousin's wife is getting on my nerves, trying to line up shifts for me at her charity shop when I retire, and trying to get me to join her walking group! AIBU to ask you fine people how the heck I can deal with her?!!!

[GoldAndSilverBells]

This is doing my head in, and I just wondered how to handle it.

I am due to retire soon. May possibly be early next year. (Luckily, I am retiring a few years earlier than I thought I would be able to - at 60.)

DH's cousin's wife, works for a charity shop, and is the Deputy Manager, and all she has banged on about, since DH decided to mention (about 3 months ago,) that I may be retiring soon is how wonderful it is that they'll have an extra pair of hands in the charity shop, and has told me to let her know when I retire, so she can pop me on the rota!

I mean, WTF? I have worked since I was 16, so about 43 years, with no break, other than 2 maternity leaves of 4 months each (and they're not holidays,) and she has me lined up for work in her shop. 'I'm sure we can squeeze a couple of 8 hour shifts a week out of you!' she said smugly the other day.

She is also trying to get me to join her 'walking group.' She lives 7 miles away, and it's her village walking group, so I would have to drive there every time (it's twice a week.) I love walking but HATE doing it in groups. Prefer to do it alone. Sometimes with DH, or my DC, occasionally a friend, but NOT in a big group. There's 25 or so of them, and I like to walk at my own pace, and on my own chosen routes.

I could honestly cuss DH for telling her. Me retiring is none of her business! It's OK for her, up to 2 years ago (she's aged 56 now,) she has always been a homemaker/stay at home mum, (and has had no children at home for the past 12 years and was still a homemaker for another 10 years before getting this charity shop job..) There's nothing wrong with being a homemaker if it suits both of you in the couple.... But basically she has never had to work... I am looking forward to a chance to just do ....... nothing, as I have worked nearly 43 years!

Well, maybe sit in the garden reading, going for walks, (not in big groups!) and looking around the shops, and going to the woodlands, doing some gardening, writing poetry, and just doing what I want to, after 43 years of work. OK, the last 28 have been part time - 20 to 22 hours a week, but I was raising a family as well as working part time, (our DC left around 6-7 years ago,) and I am looking forward to the total freedom, and not having to do anything, unless I want to, and I don't want DH's bossy cousin's wife arranging my life for me. (DH is planning on retiring about 2 years after me......)

So far, I have just been like 'err, ha ha, errrm, well...' and she's moved on to the next subject (we see her maybe once every 3-4 weeks.) DH said I just need to tell her NO, but how can I word it without sounding horrible? She is really bossy, and I am quite placid and quiet.. Upshot is I am not working in the charity shop because I don't want to, OR joining the 'walking group!' I hate big group gatherings, and am a free spirit, and always get lost in these groups and ignored, because I'm fairly quiet.

HELP! How can I deal with this? I'm so annoyed that I have to!!!

How about “If I’d wanted to carry on working I’d have stuck with the paid job. I’ve spent all these years living to other people’s timetables and now I’m ready for my own life and that means absolutely no commitments”

FFS. Just say no as you have lots of plans. Full stop. Sorted.

I did a retirement course at work before I retired. All three of the speakers said the same thing- don't agree to sign up for ANYTHING for 3 months at least after finishing work, but preferably 6 months. You need time to relax and get used to a new routine. Tell your SIL you will think about helping and make a decision in 6 months time and then say a definite no. Don't be pushed into it, because it's harder to get out of it when you're actually doing it. Stand firm!

Just laugh when it's mentioned and say ' That sounds fucking awful.'

I'd just say you are looking forward to having no commitments Op, that you are not currently wanting to fill your days with engagements and you could add "that might change" - because actually it might.

Just tell her no! Say that you have been working for 43 years non stop except for two short maternity leaves and you want to take some time to yourself. What an irritating woman.

I would advocate for the shit sandwich structure of telling her to go away:

• Its so nice of you to think of me in my retirement and try to include me
• The last thing I feel like doing is more work, paid or unpaid, and I really hate walking in large groups, so I won’t be doing either of those things. I’ll be making my own plans.
• Thanks again for the suggestions though, and I look forward to seeing you both at (insert next family occasion here i.e. the only sort of occasion you plan to see this person at going forward lol)

Thank you so much for thinking of me but I am going to have a rest for a few years before I make any new commitments.
And tell DH to have a private word to tell her to lay off the suggestions, you need time to recuperate.

You are being Ridiculous! Just say after x amount years working I’m not planning on working in a charity shop or joining walking groups thanks for thinking of me though!

I have never had any problem saying no to anything, so unless you can bring yourself to do that op she's gonna keep getting under your skin.
If she kept on pestering me after I had said no I would be tempted to agree to it and then not turn up, and then keep doing it with a view to pissing her off just as much as she pissed me off. If you feel unable to say no then I can't see you feeling able to do that!

I would absolutely hate this and feel your pain. I’ve come to realise though that if cheeky fuckers can be like this without any sensitivity that they might actually are being a rude cheeky fucker, then it makes me feel better about being abrupt/rude back as I find that half arsed attempts to placate them do not work- they need the blunt truth to know it is a NO NOT EVER.

good luck!

I think that you have been working for a long number of year's and you also bought up 2 children in that time. Tell your sil that you're looking forward to having free time after x number of year's working and bringing up kid's. Tel her that you have decided not to make any comments after you retire.

Her circumstances and yours have been different for year's.

My feeling is that you're sil thinks that you will be glad to volunteer to her shop a day or two a week. She not telling you that she is finding it hard to get volunteers that will either turn up and or be willing to go through bags or box's of donations. One of my friends has volunteered a day a week in a charity shop for a while and she told me it's harder to get volunteers now.
She has worked in the stock room, restocked the shop and done the till.
It's a busy shop that she works in.

You have worked hard for years. You deserve this time off to relax and do what suits you now. You want time to meet up with friends, go places, go on cheap holidays and do things with your husband when he retires as well.

Sounds like you're on the way to saying "no" OP and good for you. Sometimes these things are tricky if the person you're dealing with doesn't take no for an answer! The best method really is a direct firm no, and then if they need more than 1 repeats, a sharper no.

I think I'd messaging something like:
Hi Janet, I know you've offered to put me down to volunteer for your charity shop and introduce me to your walking group. I actually have some plans and projects of my own already lined up that I have looked forward to my long awaited retirement to get started on- and I will not be taking on any commitments outside of these. I am very much looking forward to finally having enough time for them! Just wanted to clear that up before any rotas or trip itineraries are planned with me on them". If you really want to divert her, add: "It was kind of you to think of me, though - I'm sure someone else in the village would welcome an invitation to either!"

Any push back would just get a more direct- "I told you not to involve me in this. As intimated to you previously, I won't be attending either now or in future".

I very much like my own company and resist any incursions on my time. Good luck!

Look at this people pleasing post, you can't bring yourself to disagree with us without putting loads of kisses, hoping that we don't think you're rude.
Being apologetic and overly explaining yourself just makes you look weak, your weakness is what makes her want to dominate you.

I would send her a lovely card. And say all of the above.

That way she can't talk over you and push you into sounding as though you are wavering. It would be clear and in writing.

You could always also add that you would rather not have these discussions about your retirement plans, please.

But I would find a very nice card. Maybe of a very happy-looking person relaxing.

😂

Sometimes it’s hard to say the word “no” and easy to dither or give excuses, but your true reasons are completely reasonable. I think you can say something that means “no” without having to be too blunt.

Thank you for thinking of me but I’m actually looking forward to not working, so I don’t want to take on another job.

I’m glad you enjoy the walking group but I actually prefer walking alone so I will keep doing that instead of the group.

I’m looking forward to setting my own schedule, so I’m not going to commit to XYZ.

Another way if you don’t want to be rude or shut her down completely, or belittle her choices would be to invent lots of friends with similar ideas- “gosh cousin, you know since I’ve said I’m retiring I’ve had so many people make similar suggestions! One of our neighbours has said they need volunteers at the charity she helps with. I’ve got quite a few more local suggestions, so I think it’s best I say no to you and pick one of the ones nearer to me.”

“your walking group sounds good but there’s a closer one to me one of my old colleagues goes to. I’ve been asked about that one too, so I think the one near me would work better. But thanks for thinking of me, it’s a good idea, so many people have made similar suggestions I’ve got lots to choose from!”

or if that feels uncomfortable, be vague busy. “I’ve said yes to so many things I’m going to have to say no to you, I just won’t have the time. Going to have less time than working if I carry on agreeing to everything! Anyway how’s the kids?”

Busy is easier than “that sounds rubbish”.

One of my former work contacts who retired, told me that when you retire it’s really important NOT to agree to anything for the first 6m or so, otherwise you end up saying yes to everything and then you end up more exhausted than when you were working.

its not impolite to say no. It’s actually more polite to be honest and say no from the outset and unwittingly lead them to think you’re on board

so deep breath and say to her that you’re not going to do anything for a while, and that you’re fairly sure that you’re not going to volunteer for shop work. Thank her for thinking of you, but you’re finding your own way through your retirement.

What's the worst that can happen when you say no?
People like the cousin will keep badgering because they know that they will talk you around.

There is a way of being assertive politely that will get the message across without offending, and you have had loads of good suggestions on this thread.

Put yourself first and stop being a people pleaser.

As far as I'm concerned it would be "the first word is F... and the second one is off".

You have contributed far more to society and she is doing this work because she feels guilty. It is nothing to do with you.

Agree but leave out the last sentence. I’d substitute it with “You can be sure I’ll contact you if I change my mind”

She’s not a very charitable person as she is bullying you to work for free.

Next time she mentions either just say 'I have no idea why you think id want to do x, but this sounds like my idea of hell. So no thanks'.

Do we really need to remind you, a grown woman, to use your words?