AIBU to think a revealing wedding dress seemed unsuitable for church?

[Evino]

Recently DH and I were invited to a wedding in Italy, it was held in a cathedral/Duomo technically, but one of the much smaller ones, in the south.
Obviously it being a church wedding we ensured both of us and our teenage daughters were modest, shoulders covered etc.

However the Bride, had an admittedly gorgeous, but I’d say … unexpected dress for the day. With a deep V open back (and the rest of the back was lace so essentially completely exposed), no veil, spaghetti straps and a fairly deep (though not revealing) cowl neckline.

It really surprised me this was seen as an appropriate dress for a church, especially one of significance. I’m not saying the dress wasn’t beautiful, it was! And I wouldn’t say she actually looked particularly provocative, I’d have just thought it would fall outside the modesty standards.

Have Catholic Churches really loosened the grip on what is seen as a modest? AIBU to be shocked that this was allowed and think it’s not an entirely appropriate choice?

Why, though? Getting married in a church doesn't necessarily imply the remotest interest in religion, far less any belief. Quite as likely to be no more than a liking for the architecture of pretty village churches you might have enough connection to to marry there. Wanting to get married in a church certainly doesn't imply that your personal bridal aesthetic doesn't resemble Saoirse-Monica Jackson from Derry Girls'!

Ah so I was just chatting to the grooms mum, I didn’t bring it up (don’t panic), but she did mention the brides dress and we spoke about it.

Apparently the priest made a decision on, he could see and approve the dress in advance, her hair covered most of the back and the over all look was modest, not sexual or ostentatious. However for guests or general tourists he obviously cannot take any time to evaluate individual choices so rules like no shoulders, no knees are easier to communicate.

Judgy McJudgison 😂 'shocked' 'inappropriate' Clutch those pearls a bit tighter love......

I don’t think this is the case Catholic Churches, typically at least one of the bride or groom need to be catholic, things like confession expected and this particular wedding included a full length nuptial mass with communion etc, so fair to assume they are religious at least in some capacity.

I’ve been turned away from a church in Siena as my sorts were too short (knees exposed). But equally was allowed into many (where no one was policing)…

Christ. It's not the 1800's and frankly, what the bride decides to wear is none of your business either. I'd be livid if anyone invited to my wedding was slagging me off on MN! The details are fairly obvious if they saw the post. I'd guess also obvious to who the OP is.

Well why not?

The op said that the dress wasn’t revealing or provocative! You could just see ‘back skin’ god forbid.

Sounds like you were in Dolce e Gabbano territory for this wedding, and the dress sounds fabulous. Aren't wedding dresses often designed to look spectacular from the back? as that is what is mostly on view during the wedding service?

The poster I was responding to wasn't specifically talking about Catholic churches, just churches in general. (And appeared to think that if you were religious, you 'naturally' wouldn't wear revealing clothes.) I grew up in Ireland, which isn't unlike Italy in the sense that a majority of the population still identify as culturally Catholic, are baptised and confirmed, marry in church, but are in no way practising.

Any requirements for a couple to marry in church are pretty much reduced to box-ticking, especially with a dwindling number of ageing priests.

The sole priest in the parish I grew up in (which had three curates and a parish priest in the 70s and 80s) is 79 and in poor health (called out of retirement by the diocese), and also has responsibility for four other large parishes, all of which would have had 3 or 4 priests each when I lived there. He's not going to be quizzing anyone on their beliefs or the backlessness of their wedding dress, he's too busy running around trying to cover masses, funerals etc.

I’m from an Italian family and was raised catholic, you must be a very strict catholic as this has not been the expectation for a very long time. It also sounds like the mum was placating you.

you do sound judgey and a little jealous,

This is valid, as much as the catholic religion has much good in it, arguing it has to be conservative and covered up, for an organisation which has accepted and covered up such horrific atrocities is quite the irony,

I recently went to the Duomo in Milan and the staff at the entry point were giving out disposable poncho type things to anyone in strappy tops or v short shorts, to cover up. Not sure if that’s typical, though.

I read what the OP said about this particular dress.

You say your not judging and then judge!

The fucking patriarchal policing of all this gets worse.

Seriously? The priest was shown the dress and her to 'approve' whether her hair and body were appropriate for his church? She had to demonstrate her hair do? What if she has decided on on up do on the day?

How extremely humiliating.

I mean, I suppose if she wasn’t happy with it, she could have just not gotten married there?
It’s not like anyone is entitled to get married in any particular venue.
If she didn’t like the rules she could have pick a lovely country villa instead I’m sure.

I am clutching my pearls in horror that someone wore a wedding dress... In a church

Does that mean nothing else matters? Modesty can go out of the window?

Ime Italian Catholic churches are quite strict, when we were abroad and touring round Italy most had signage asking knees and shoulders to be covered and I saw people get tapped to ask them to pop a shawl over their shoulders. However, I imagine if it's a wedding there isn't a lot they can do and maybe they relax it for an event. It's not like the priest can turn her away and asking her to cover up seems extreme given the situation - mortifying for the bride and would ruin her entrance. I think you did the right thing sticking to a modest dress code though I wouldn't personally criticise a bride - her wedding and her choice I think, but I think I'd have expected back and at least top of shoulders covered

What do strappy tops have to do with 'modesty'?

Everybody spouting off about covering in the Vatican - well they didn’t get married in the Vatican did they?

I presume your little church down the road does things a little differently to St Paul’s or Westminster Cathedral so why wouldn’t different rules/tastes apply here too.

I doubt a fully grown mature woman is to many of their preferred tastes….

Yes!!

Well said.

What's with all the recent posts discussing women's modesty in a catholic context? It's not a thing, it's not an issue, are you even catholic?

The comments are ridiculously out dated. Another recent thread discussed women wearing matillas as though it was normal which is shocking.

Catholic policing of what women wear stopped in the 1970s for fear of outright revolt by women in catholic countries.

This recent trend is driven by far right political forces in the US. The last time the catholic church went anywhere near policing what women wore was the 1917 Code of Canon Law!!!!

Please stop forcing your fake modestly on other women. Does my body, my choice not apply to what I choose to wear.

If you are catholic, your not a very good one. being snidey and judgmental isn't part of the theology. I suggest to attend some catechism classes to brush up.