AIBU to think a revealing wedding dress seemed unsuitable for church?

[Evino]

Recently DH and I were invited to a wedding in Italy, it was held in a cathedral/Duomo technically, but one of the much smaller ones, in the south.
Obviously it being a church wedding we ensured both of us and our teenage daughters were modest, shoulders covered etc.

However the Bride, had an admittedly gorgeous, but I’d say … unexpected dress for the day. With a deep V open back (and the rest of the back was lace so essentially completely exposed), no veil, spaghetti straps and a fairly deep (though not revealing) cowl neckline.

It really surprised me this was seen as an appropriate dress for a church, especially one of significance. I’m not saying the dress wasn’t beautiful, it was! And I wouldn’t say she actually looked particularly provocative, I’d have just thought it would fall outside the modesty standards.

Have Catholic Churches really loosened the grip on what is seen as a modest? AIBU to be shocked that this was allowed and think it’s not an entirely appropriate choice?

Quite. At a visit to the Vatican recently they were handing out shawls for women to use to cover shoulders and legs if wearing strappy t-shirts or shorts. Not so sure about weddings but I've always been respectful in European Catholic churches ie worn a scarf over my shoulders etc

No veil?

<< genuflect>>

Well, as it happens most wedding attire and tradition gets my miserable and bitter feminist principles inflamed.

Yes of course women can / should wear what they please but your Dad offering you up, barely clad in (‘virginal’) white (but for optional head and face covering) to a fully clothed man always seems transactional / sacrificial to me. Unveiled (if that’s the option) for his appreciation.

It’s so patriarchal, all of it. Including rules for women in religious settings.

I think you’re fetishing the ‘priest’s mind’. Do you imagine this is what determines sartorial acceptability?

I was at one on the Amalfi coast about ten years ago where the priest showed up at the honeymoon suite (the couple were staying at the venue for the reception, which was next door to the church) with a large orange plastic folder containing a full set of projector slides on natural contraception methods dating from the 60s.

This is hilarious

Nothing bitter or miserable about any of that!

So no butt crack, no cleavage and no thigh revealed. Just her back which was covered in lace. Sounds quite modest when I think of some brides I have seen recently with so much bosom exposed you think to yourself why bother, just wear a skirt, eh!

The only time I have ever had to cover my shoulders in a church of any kind (including in Italy) was in the Vatican.

The Anglican vicar who married us required respectful dress in church, but I assume it’s done to the vicar. His church, his rules. On the whole, vicars want to encourage Christian marriage, so a slightly racy dress is probably fairly low down their priority list.

It was! I happened to be in the room with the bride at the time, and as her Italian wasn’t coping with his regional accent, I ended up being the inadvertent interpreter. She claims they’re going to keep the slides as a family heirloom, but an antique projector and play them on wedding anniversaries….

I'm surprised! All my cousins/friends who wore strapless dresses wore little shrugs for the Mass. The last family wedding the dress had straps but no sleeves.

I had lacy sleeves but no veil.because I really wanted a flowery headband. I don't think the veil is as cared about as the shoulders.

"Provocative" ? Clothing can't be provocative. Sigh

So well said; completely agree with this and I'm all for weddings and have my own approaching (cream floral tea dress, registry office).

Yes I thought Italy has quite strict rules for churches. When I went to Rome, they were giving out shawls at the front of the church for those people with strappy tops and people with very short shorts were turns away. Maybe as a bride she gets a free pass?

I’ve seen some questionable wedding dresses in beautiful churches. My cousin wore a “sexy” wedding dress for her destination wedding, it was awful looking TBH. Boobs & legs. Just too much! Your Italy bride sounds classy by comparison…

Tbh I’m getting married soon and some wedding dresses are fairly revealing! Not my thing, and fine for a civil ceremony if I wouldn’t feel appropriately dressed in a church. For the record I’m a Vicar’s daughter. Obviously over here we are far more relaxed but I would’ve been surprised by this in Italy,

I think you’re mixing up catholic and Italian with Vatican City which is totally different. Another Irish catholic here that sees everything and anything at the church (unfortunately!!)

That’s Rome tourist churches, though, trying to stop a creep happening where tourists are thronging around talking loudly and taking pictures of the frescoes on the middle of services,

I would be surprised that anyone who chooses to get married on a church or cathedral would consider wearing anything too revealing.
At the same time the church doesn't need to be in the business of alienating people.

I've been to a lot of Catholic churches in Italy. I don't think it's an odd question. It's pretty standard, not just in big tourist places, for there to be signs at the entrance outlining the dress code. Generally covered shoulders, sometimes no knees on show. Having said that, I've also seen fairly big places that are more relaxed about it. Maybe it's down to the priest. More likely it's down to how much money the wedding party are throwing at the priest.

Not my experience in Italy. Many larger churches won’t let you in with uncovered shoulders.

Not sure wether you are being unreasonable or not. My great aunt used to get really upset when brides wore revealing dresses. In her opinion when you are going to church to receive a sacrament you should dress discretely and respectfully. When my cousin married in 2000 in high summer in Spain, she was sent a photo with the bride´s v neck on a sleeveless dress typexed in. But my great aunt was nearly 100 years old in 2005 and we all knew she would have hysterics.
I´ve seen quite a few brides wear a matching bolero in church which they take off when they are out, others don´t.
My CofE mother agrees with you, a church is not a disco.

The priest doesn’t know where to look? How about at the bride and grooms faces like he’s supposed to?

I think it’s great that brides are pushing back at stupid ideas like covering up in church and that the Catholic Church doesn’t have enough power anymore to force them to. It’s a marginal revenge for all those years of Magdalen laundries, orphanages, refusal to support birth control or abortion and keeping women pregnant and poor. Fuck em

I was in Florence recently and there are signs by the Duomo that you must be covered ( men as well as women) . They hand out wraps at the door to people with vest tops etc.

Yes, but people are equating attending a wedding ceremony in a Catholic church in Italy with entering a Catholic church in Italy, which is also a tourist site, as a tourist. Completely different norms!

In Austria a few years ago a priest insisted on shoulders being covered before he would give one of the people (a man) communion.