Is my DH manipulating or should I give him the money?

[mcrlover]

Sorry for the long post, don't want to dripfeed.

My partner (not married) and I have been together 4 years and have a DD (1 year old). When we met, I was in quite a hippie mindset - we were travelling a lot. Partner was working freelance, before we met he had a thriving business and saved a lot of income. His business ended because the sector was becoming redundant. Since we met, he has still barely earned. At the start of the relationship he had motivation to try and make a new business work, but without a business partner he struggled. He was always the "doer" and relied on a business partner to handle the client acquisition etc - he is very shy and introverted. Also, we suspect, on the autistic spectrum.

Throughout the relationship I worked full time. We always kept finances separate and split costs 50:50. When I got pregnant the plan was for me to take maternity pay, then take unpaid maternity leave and live off my savings (my savings would have run out by the end). He has 10's of K in savings still, despite earning less than his outgoings for the 4 years (he had a lot saved to start with).

Luckily during my maternity leave I landed a very high paid job, and now earn a lot of income. My partner thinks I should give him half my salary each month, and I'm not sure if that's unfair, or if I'm being stingy saying no.

Since I earned more, I have been contributing proportionally more for shared costs and baby costs, which I think is fair. But I'm on a freelance contract, which is going well, but there's a chance it won't be renewed at the end of the year.

He said he can't find a job as he has burnout from all the travelling and logistics around it. So I agreed we settle in his home country near his family (although I would prefer settling near mine). He is also demanding half my income, despite having 10s of k in savings. He said he doesn't like spending his savings (but I want to save for pension and baby!! Neither of us have a pension)

And I'm worried that if I pay him so much he would lose any last push to find a job. I asked him what he would do if I split the income with him - he said he would let go of his already very very part-time income stream. I said he could either be a stay at home dad and we split my income, or he pays his way (while I still contribute more to shared costs).

FYI its not like he does more home chores - I do all the cleaning, cooking, baby food prep, childcare organisation, babys clothes, packing and unpacking her stuff, and pay for most of the full time childcare. He leads travel logistics/subletting the apartment.

I can't tell if he is genuinely burned out and I should help him get back on his feet by easing the financial stress. Or if he is taking me for a ride and I'm being manipulated.

AIBU: he has burnout, we co-parent, I earn more than him and it's fair I split my income with him?
Or AINBU: Paying him would amount to enabling, and I need to focus on saving responsibly?

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't move to his country OP. If you do, within a very short amount of time it will legally become your child's 'habitual residence' which will mean that you cannot leave with your child to come home (or to move to another country) without your partner's permission. You could even be prevented from taking your child on holiday, or bringing them back for Christmas or to see your family. This will be the case even though you are unmarried and will continue to be the case if you separate. There could also be visa issues in the future which could mean that you are forced out of the country but your child remains with him. The legislation which would trap you is called the Hague Abduction Convention and it has become the weapon of choice for abusive fathers. More info here. www.hague-mothers.org.uk/for-mothers/

You’ve no pension but you do have a baby and a partner who doesn’t want to work but does want half your salary!!!

Hes not a partner , he’s a millstone.

Time to grow up; save, start up a pension and dump the sponge if he won’t pull his weight.

Cannot stress this enough.

This was the scenario in the book "Strangers". Man persuades bride with mega assets to sign prenup. But he has no pre marriage assets, to speak of. He has earning potential. But the prenuptial says what each earn in the marriage is their own - he makes $$$$$$$$ while she is a SAHM, but they share what they BRING to the marriage.

I'm other words, we share her assets, while I keep mine.

3 children later he left her, pretty unceremoniously.I

I quickly scrolled back to check if you were married. Imagine if you were married to this man and living in his home country. He is mean and lazy.

Did he split his income with you when he was making hay and you were in a lower paid job? No. Why is he entitled to half of yours? How utterly ridiculous.

If he's not contributing around the house, he needs to up him game. He needs to pay half of childcare and all bills. He has money it's in his name, so don't give him anything - treat him like he did you. He can work, he's choosing not to.

Keep savings and pensions in your name only.

I'm not sure your relationship is going to survive if I'm honest. I so sorry. He sounds completely unreasonable.

So when you were pregnant and after your baby was born the expectation was that you were still responsible for 50% of your household costs, even when you were earning nothing, and would use up all your savings? Now you are earning well the expectation is that you pay more than 50% of household costs and, in fact, give him money to preserve his savings. Hell no.

Just seen that you have decided not to move! Great decision OP. ✊Stick to it like a limpet with a giant tube of superglue in its pocket.

Please do not move to his country, talk about isolating you and making it harder to leave him. There are so many horror stories about this - just don’t….

He is a gaslighting, lazy prick!!! Do not give him 1/2 your money - he isn’t even doing his share of household tasks!!! Just concentrate on you and your DC.

Then leave , run as fast as you can and when you stop, run some more…, he is a very nasty and manipulative man.

WTF?! I left my parasitic ex husband for similar behaviour. I was so much better off without him.

@mcrlover
Hes extracting the urine pure and simple
If he's all burnt out it's amazing how still on his own money ball he is
He's no respect for you just seeing you as a soft cash cow
The nerve to say you should pay him whilst I bet he's accruing interest on HIS savings which you'll probably more than likely never know fully about
You've no pension and have a baby ffs
If I were you I'd leave
It's no use being civil to someone who actively plots to undermine you whilst you dither over your own hard earned money he's trying to ponce so openly off you
Use your head
Toughen up and another thing
Does he really care for the baby as well as he claims??

While its not ideal, if its all she ever knows then surely its better than having a cocklodger father?
My advice
Do NOT move to his home country
Do NOT let him take the child there
Do NOT give him half your earnings

There's ALWAYS an excuse with these men. Their job is always magically harder than yours, their circumstances are magically more trying. There is always a reason why they should get their way whatever the cost to you.

Well is he going to give you half his savings? If it’s all in the family pot then fair enough. I personally would fine it hard to live with someone who had no personal income (except for a few years if they are looking after kids full time)

Let him take his burnout, savings, home to mum and dad if he likes. He can heal there if he thinks that is what it will take. But don't support him financially.

Echoing everyone else please don’t move to his country. Perhaps he can go ‘home’ alone for a while to get over the burn out.

DO NOT under any circumstances move to his home country.

You sound so far away from a relationship where this can be manageable. Even really strong relationships can struggle with all the challenges this entails. Think of DD. He is the one who decided to live in the uk - so he needs to man-up and stick to his decision. Put the ball back in his court as to how much he is prepared to give to you and DD.

(he is also tight as a rats arse and a freeloader, from your description, which is not an appealing characteristic)

Coming to this thread late, but what nonsense @mcrlover. He doesn't have "burnout". He just isn't very good at sales and so is either going to have to do what he isn't good at, reposition himself as an employee in a firm where other people do that, or retrain to do something else.

I'm not knocking him when I say that. I think I am amazing at delivering a product, but I'm rubbish at sales so probably the same as your DP. However, I accept that and still earn mid-six figures and deal with the fact that people who are less good at doing, but have the gift of the gab, earn two or three times what I do.

He needs to get his priorities sorted and get a job.

Impossible most likely unless he agreed.

I think you need to spend some of that salary on therapy for yourself @mcrlover to get to the bottom of why you have ended up in this situation with a man like this.
Do not move to his country.
Do not hand over half of your salary.

What are you teaching your child about healthy relationships? She deserves more than a father like this.

Thanks be to fxxk.
What have i just read.
Mother of god, quite terrifying to read.
You are an abused woman being financially used.
Of course he wants to get you stuck in his country, and use the baby as a bargaining too.

Tell him absolutely nothing.
Get home with the baby asap.

Do not say a word.
Hide your passports.
Get away from him asap.
He is so far ahead of you.

Yuck, what a turn off. A "man" who's grabby and manipulative, and thinks it's honourable and manly to take half of a woman's salary. Disgusting.

Absolutely do not give him a penny. In fact, what are you doing with this loser? He sounds useless, draining, precious as well as horrible. Most women wouldn't touch this "man" with a bargepole.

Stand up straight and look at yourself in a mirror. As yourself the following question.
”Do I look like a cash point machine?”
If you don’t look exactly like one, you have your answer.

In all honesty, I was stunned that he has 10s of thousands in the bank but you had to live off savings to fund maternity leave for a bit longer. I am on the spectrum and I work, I am not social, I am a get on with it and do things kind of woman. I also knew we are all different, but even so.
I am in the same camp as most others, don’t marry him and do not relinquish half your nett income to anyone. I take it all the bills would be yours to pay out of your remaining half. Know your worth, and it’s more than he gives you.

Burnout, ha ha ha, give me strength. I think most working parents are knackered. He should sort himself out after a month off. Don't give him money. Surely he can work part time in an easy job at very least. You're going to look back and regret this relationship one day. He's taking the piss.

I'm actually horrified that you need to ask, it's worrying because it is clear he's done a number on you.

One more voice to the chorus, no no no. He has a huge safety net of savings. He could earn but doesn't. He's claiming to be burnt out from - travelling - give me strength. He doesn't pull his weight.

You really need to cut him out of your life and fast. This man literally thinks you are stupid, and is so monumentally entitled that he isn't even trying to hide it. Literally nobody in their right mind would agree to this setup.

Tell him to go and stay with family to recover from his "burn out" and stay exactly where you are.

No most definitely not. If you had to finance your maternity leave with no help from him then he can finance his unemployment stretch.