Is my DH manipulating or should I give him the money?

[mcrlover]

Sorry for the long post, don't want to dripfeed.

My partner (not married) and I have been together 4 years and have a DD (1 year old). When we met, I was in quite a hippie mindset - we were travelling a lot. Partner was working freelance, before we met he had a thriving business and saved a lot of income. His business ended because the sector was becoming redundant. Since we met, he has still barely earned. At the start of the relationship he had motivation to try and make a new business work, but without a business partner he struggled. He was always the "doer" and relied on a business partner to handle the client acquisition etc - he is very shy and introverted. Also, we suspect, on the autistic spectrum.

Throughout the relationship I worked full time. We always kept finances separate and split costs 50:50. When I got pregnant the plan was for me to take maternity pay, then take unpaid maternity leave and live off my savings (my savings would have run out by the end). He has 10's of K in savings still, despite earning less than his outgoings for the 4 years (he had a lot saved to start with).

Luckily during my maternity leave I landed a very high paid job, and now earn a lot of income. My partner thinks I should give him half my salary each month, and I'm not sure if that's unfair, or if I'm being stingy saying no.

Since I earned more, I have been contributing proportionally more for shared costs and baby costs, which I think is fair. But I'm on a freelance contract, which is going well, but there's a chance it won't be renewed at the end of the year.

He said he can't find a job as he has burnout from all the travelling and logistics around it. So I agreed we settle in his home country near his family (although I would prefer settling near mine). He is also demanding half my income, despite having 10s of k in savings. He said he doesn't like spending his savings (but I want to save for pension and baby!! Neither of us have a pension)

And I'm worried that if I pay him so much he would lose any last push to find a job. I asked him what he would do if I split the income with him - he said he would let go of his already very very part-time income stream. I said he could either be a stay at home dad and we split my income, or he pays his way (while I still contribute more to shared costs).

FYI its not like he does more home chores - I do all the cleaning, cooking, baby food prep, childcare organisation, babys clothes, packing and unpacking her stuff, and pay for most of the full time childcare. He leads travel logistics/subletting the apartment.

I can't tell if he is genuinely burned out and I should help him get back on his feet by easing the financial stress. Or if he is taking me for a ride and I'm being manipulated.

AIBU: he has burnout, we co-parent, I earn more than him and it's fair I split my income with him?
Or AINBU: Paying him would amount to enabling, and I need to focus on saving responsibly?

Although even a teenager would know expecting half of Mummy's income is ludicrous. How can you even look him in the eye at this point?

I know the phrase on here is are you on glue, but you must be on something much stronger if you are considering moving to his home country or even staying with him.

Apart from his sperm, what exactly has he bought to the relationship or family life?

You would be insane to move with him to his home country. You’re on the cusp of making the biggest mistake of your life. Do not do it!

I think the op has to even consider this!

Can I clarify I've got this right OP:

When you were pregnant and he was earning more, he made you contribute half of everything. To the extent that you ran down your savings in mat leave

Now he is wanting some time off, he thinks he shouldn't touch his savings but you should subsidise him, because burnout

Despite not pulling his weight financially, he doesn't want to compensate by stepping up in other areas and doing more than his share of household and child related tasks - in fact you actually subsidise him in this area too (because burnout?)

If that's right then I can't see this is fair. He wouldn't subsidise your drop in earnings looking after your shared child, but expects you to take a different approach even though he has the means to support himself.

I think I'd be questioning more than the split of finances here. No its not fair, and I'm not sure he sounds like a good person. Please don't move country for him or you might be atuck there if you split

He's gaslighting you to keep you from seeing life in real time.

What you should be doing is getting the hell away from him, take your baby AND your money coz no good is going to come from you staying with him. He will wear you down til he gets your money. You have a child. Think of their future. Set up a savings account and look after them not your coxklodging partner.

Come off it op. The guy is a complete loser. Fine to live a traveller lifestyle when you have no dc. Not an option to do fuck all when you have a baby. ‘Separated parents in different countries.’ He won’t be arsed to see her ever. Which is about a billion times better than being in the same place but not doing anything with her then either. Hugely destructive to a child. Leave him. For the sake of your child.

Seriously, he is a list of excuses.
Barely worked since you met, but burned out from planning travelling. Fucking diddums.
Struggled without a business partner. Someone to actually graft then.
You work full time and raise the baby while he does what exactly?
Wants to live near his mummy and daddy for support while isolating you from yours.
Keeps his savings pot, while living on your income.

Is this what you want? I wouldn't.

Do not move to his country - you would not be able to bring your child back to the UK if it doesn't work out

To begin with you can say you’ll think about it when your savings match his. That will buy you time to make a proper decision.

At some point your child will need to go to school. Be very wary that you will be able to leave the country with your child, should you need to.
If you really can’t see this relationship having longevity, then the sooner you leave him, the better.

There are lots of red flags waving.

Please please OP - if this was your child what would you tell them? You say no, I'm putting half my income into a pension, into a savings pot that belongs to you only, he doesn't get to sit on his wealth whilst using yours. You shouldn't even be paying more of the expenses, he's a perfectly able bodied person who can work but is choosing not to. (And let's face ig he wouldn't have the privilege of being burnt out if you were not bank rolling him!) Don't move to his country, it's a trap.

You’d be crazy to move to his home country ..the instability and risk.

You are being used. He didn’t stump up money whilst you weren’t earning on maternity leave.

This is your great big warning ..don't give your life to this

Trust me, children can and do survive separated parents living in different countries.

Yes they do. Mine is one of them.

But OP, please do not give him any of your money, you have your child to consider now - and they don't come cheap!

Do Not Move To His Country. You'll never be able to move back home with your child. Hague Convention and all that.

Leave him. Life as a solo mum is so much more simple without a crazy man in it.
Your child will pick up on it too and take it with them into their future.

How much travelling are you doing and how complex are the arrangements to have caused him ‘burnout’? You are travelling with him for all of this I assume so does it feel like too much and is it causing you to burnout too? Does the travelling actually bring you any benefit, if it’s causing him such anguish that he’s unable to work surely the answer is to travel less?

I actually suspect the answer is that he’s a work shy, conman bastard who’s found a schmuck who’s willing to pay for him to piss about travelling, hanging out with his family, doing no household chores or childcare, and provide him with spending money…….but obviously I’m working on limited information.

The amount of intelligent, dickmatized, foolish Women on here is unbelievable!

Ditto.

OP, tell him he can move home by himself & when he's gainfully employed and has his own home for you all to live in, you will join him.

Until then, he's not getting any money off you. You're not fucking married!

Is he going to share his considerable savings with you by transferring them to a joint account or giving half to you?

Would there be any issues with your leaving his country with your child without him? Have you checked this out?

Definitely do not move to his country. You will be trapped there.

What does he actually bring to this relationship? You already do everything.

If you split you’d keep all your money and not have to put up with his lolling.

Burnout from what? Doing fuck all for the last 4 years?

Come on now. Where is his home country? You would be foolish to move for a workshy man, but even more foolish to move to a country that would make it difficult to leave with your daughter if you decide to split after the move.

Oh my god, no. God no. And don't give him a penny. I actually think you should invoice him for every second of your life that you've wasted in his company.

Thread last year the poster had moved to partners country. He stopped working. She did find low paid work. His mother looked after the baby. She decided to come home. Was agreed she could go but had to leave her child with them. Was an absolute nightmare. I often wondered if she escaped with her child or is still stuck there.

I'm also curious what country it is

This! 👏

At the risk of sounding old fashioned OP and I know people have differing philosophies on marriage, but sometimes 4 years without the kind of commitment that would protect your assets really is a red flag 💖