Is my DH manipulating or should I give him the money?

[mcrlover]

Sorry for the long post, don't want to dripfeed.

My partner (not married) and I have been together 4 years and have a DD (1 year old). When we met, I was in quite a hippie mindset - we were travelling a lot. Partner was working freelance, before we met he had a thriving business and saved a lot of income. His business ended because the sector was becoming redundant. Since we met, he has still barely earned. At the start of the relationship he had motivation to try and make a new business work, but without a business partner he struggled. He was always the "doer" and relied on a business partner to handle the client acquisition etc - he is very shy and introverted. Also, we suspect, on the autistic spectrum.

Throughout the relationship I worked full time. We always kept finances separate and split costs 50:50. When I got pregnant the plan was for me to take maternity pay, then take unpaid maternity leave and live off my savings (my savings would have run out by the end). He has 10's of K in savings still, despite earning less than his outgoings for the 4 years (he had a lot saved to start with).

Luckily during my maternity leave I landed a very high paid job, and now earn a lot of income. My partner thinks I should give him half my salary each month, and I'm not sure if that's unfair, or if I'm being stingy saying no.

Since I earned more, I have been contributing proportionally more for shared costs and baby costs, which I think is fair. But I'm on a freelance contract, which is going well, but there's a chance it won't be renewed at the end of the year.

He said he can't find a job as he has burnout from all the travelling and logistics around it. So I agreed we settle in his home country near his family (although I would prefer settling near mine). He is also demanding half my income, despite having 10s of k in savings. He said he doesn't like spending his savings (but I want to save for pension and baby!! Neither of us have a pension)

And I'm worried that if I pay him so much he would lose any last push to find a job. I asked him what he would do if I split the income with him - he said he would let go of his already very very part-time income stream. I said he could either be a stay at home dad and we split my income, or he pays his way (while I still contribute more to shared costs).

FYI its not like he does more home chores - I do all the cleaning, cooking, baby food prep, childcare organisation, babys clothes, packing and unpacking her stuff, and pay for most of the full time childcare. He leads travel logistics/subletting the apartment.

I can't tell if he is genuinely burned out and I should help him get back on his feet by easing the financial stress. Or if he is taking me for a ride and I'm being manipulated.

AIBU: he has burnout, we co-parent, I earn more than him and it's fair I split my income with him?
Or AINBU: Paying him would amount to enabling, and I need to focus on saving responsibly?

This sounds horrible but having been in long-term relationships with undiagnosed autistic men who either point blank refused to work or made my life a nightmare because of their inability to cope with (well paid and undemanding) work, I would run for the hills. And I am autistic, so I'm really not being needlessly harsh.

Do not move to his home country! Ditch the loser ASAP.

Thank you all, yep just checked and Hague convention definitely would apply. Thank you for helping me see sense, didn't think the replies would be quite so unanimous, but this has helped snap me out of it

I'm willing to be even more old-fashioned in adding that men who can't/won't provide don't need to be kept around.

There will always be someone willing to help you spend YOUR money whilst they stockpile theirs. Don't do it. Tell him to go back to his country, recover from his (fake) burnout and you will follow once you've sorted everything out - then of course don't go. Now is your chance to escape. Take it.

In this case it's probably for the best that you aren't married, because luckily the split won't allow him to run off with any portion of your assets.

This says it all.

I see he's not offering you half his savings.

Let him go live near his family. DO NOT MOVE WITH HIM. You keep your decent job & baby. He can visit as and when as he's not working and he has savings. He doesn't do much parenting so you won't be losing anything but hassle

Oh my god don’t move to his country. Tell him to do what he needs to do but he’s failing to understand and support the stress of a mum realising her baby’s dad may never work and provide for her baby and it all rests on her, and a mum with that responsibility needs to look after herself and the baby who didn’t ask for these parents.

He may well never work again and you need to build a life for your child.

WTF have I just read. Is this real?

I had an ex (one of the aforementioned) who wanted to split pennies with me so that he could stockpile money for himself. Getting rid of him felt fantastic. I tried to make sure he couldn't hear me laughing down the phone when I finally binned him off.

Do NOT move.
He may decide never to return to work again!!

Do not give him your money.
So insulting that he got you to go through your savings while on maternity leave with a child who is ALSO HIS and you presumably were not able to work because of your child. But he won't go 50/50 when he could work and still you are supposed to do it all and pay too?
No no no.
Do not move to his country! You could, and will likely, be stuck paying for everything and doing all childcare and domestic work for the long term.
Burnout. Yeah, I don't think so. It's a thing, but you don't get it that way.
Take your lovely job, all of its salary, and your lovely child, and live in your own country.

So many brilliant responses here and this one nails it.

No you shouldn't give half your income to this free loader. Just tell him to get a job and stop leeching off you.

I'm trying to imagine what redeeming quality this man could possibly have that would have enticed the OP to put up with him and allow him to father a child. I havre really concluded that women are socialised to become endlessly understanding walking refuges for all varieties of male freaks and losers.

Of course I'll give you half my wages - just as soon as my half of your savings hit my account. After all, fairs fair!

@mcrloverwhicj country does he want to relocate to, and can you worrk remotely??

I'm really very curious to know what the home country is. Is it one of those ones where the women's rights and liberties situation is a bit dicey?

If you aren't already, get up to speed with the Hague Convention.

Does it matter??? She's not going there. This guy is a freeloader and a leech and expects her to do everything and pay for everything and after all that probably expects her to be a 5 star sex toy in the bedroom. Sheesh.

Dont marry him. Ever. Dont leave the country with him, and i cant believe he thinks he should have 50% of your net salary. What a massive tosser and why on earth would you think this is a good idea? Dont you want to put money aside for your dd that he cant touch?

You already know he wont give you or your dd a penny of his own savings. He would much rather openly take your money. Does he think you are thick? With any luck he will push off abroad.

Its a terrible role model for your dd, both of you! Come on!

Look you can dump him or you can play to his strengths and get this to work.

He is literally a work horse with a track record but he cannot ever do the networking bit.

DH is autistic but he is absolutely stellar at the people bit but he set up a company with another guy (also autistic) who was stellar at the “doing” bit. It really worked. DH did less of their skill set but he did the people bit.

Can you do the “people” bit and let him do the “work” bit.

Autistic people are often spiky so there strengths are beyond the pale but their weaknesses are incredibly weak.

I’d say that if he takes over all the household and childcare tasks you’ll put more money into a shared account. I don’t understand why you would “give him” half your income. I mean pay the bills etc but why give him money (unless he is doing all household chores and childcare) in which case it might make sense to have a joint account for costs.

Also I’m thinking it’s a very terrible idea to move to his country. Will make it very hard for you to leave with your child.

Wait! He was prepared for you to pay everything towards your baby, even when on maternity leave, and from savings? What kind of "man" would do nothing to support his own new child, let alone his partner, the DC's mother? Do you really need to ask, OP. Please raise your sights - either insist he steps up (if you actually have any respect left for him), or ships out. Make it clear that his avoiding responsibility is unacceptable. I hope it goes well for you and DC.