AIBU to feel uneasy about a teacher carrying in a distressed child

[Cityslickers]

I dropped my DD off at school on Tuesday and a slightly older child (but still infants age) was screaming about going into school. The teacher picked him up / manhandled him in, which made him more distressed and he was flailing his arms and legs about etc. His lunch, bottle and glasses were all on the floor. AIBU in thinking this isn’t normally done? I feel a bit upset still thinking about it.

It seems to be quite common with kids struggling going into school but it just felt uncomfortable to watch.

I work in a school. This is definitely not allowed in my school, I can't imagine it is elsewhere.
I'd report it.

Would you report it to the head? I understand it might be a last resort but I didn’t see any attempt to calm him down/ negotiate she sort of just picked him up.

Was their parent around?

You have no idea what’s happened, the relation of the child to the teacher or what sort of plans are in place.

I’d leave it.

I'd keep out of it, you don't know the back story.

Yes, much better to leave him on his own in the playground or send a member of staff to sit with him out there until he decided that the time was right to go in.

Get a life.

I have a DC who was like this in Reception. The teachers were not allowed to pick him up.

No I wouldn't report it, teacher probably has to log it anyway and I'd be amazed if the head wasn't aware.

The one thing I would say is (depending on the child) getting into a prolonged negotiation would probably make it worse not better. Our focus was always getting DC inside the building first as he was a flight risk. Then they could do the calming down in there where he wouldn't try to run off down the road or under a car.

Do you think the parent wasn't aware of what the teacher was doing?

There will be a plan in place with the family and whether this was part of it or a desperate last resort when everything else had failed, you don't know. Either way, the situation is almost certainly distressing enough for staff and family without you sticking your oar in.

As you don’t know the child nor his circumstances, it’s none of your business. It could be the arrangement with the parent.
Maybe they should have just contacted the parents to come and collect him, instead of forcing him into school? Unfortunately some children aren’t ready for school when they are obliged to attend.

If happening at school, they will be following a plan. Be very peculiar if a teacher was "manhandling" a child like that, in plain view of others, without prior agreement.

You might not agree with the plan, but as the kid isn't your kid that is no business of yours.

Sometimes this is literally the only way to get a child into school.

Would you prefer child sit crying outside refusing to go in indefinitely, holding up the class, teacher and parent?

Mind your own business.

They're not your child. You don't know anything about the circumstances. My DS is autistic, he struggles with transitions, prolonging them makes it worse, there are times I have just had to pick him up to move him where he needs to go.

Very upsetting to see. My now 10 year old suffers with anxiety and over the years have had lots of school refusal. One day when he was about 7 the head and support teacher took one arm each and basically dragged him in screaming. It was the most upsetting thing I have ever seen and I have not allowed it to ever happen again. I really don’t feel this is ever the right approach

The head teacher once picked up my ds2 in a firemans lift and carried him into his classroom when he was in year 4. It worked and I was fine with it.

What was the alternative, and what were you actually doing yourself to alleviate the situation?

Sorry that happened. I don’t suppose being dragged in helped with your child’s school anxiety.

Assuming the parent watched this happen and wasn’t objecting, I would assume that this has been done with the parent’s consent and agreement and is none of your business.

If you believe the parent was not aware that may be different but I tend toward trusting the teachers in this instance because it would be a sacking offence I should think.

I completely understand this and I have picked mine up on occasion too but would be less keen on a teacher doing so.

The parent wasn’t there but of course they may be aware if a plan is in place. But they might not.

Well, I can confirm it was without a doubt the correct approach for 1 of mine.

We can't shield them from everything they find uncomfortable. We can show confidence that they will weather the storm of feeling and come out stronger and undamaged the other side.

I wouldnt suggest to know what was right for someone else's child... its categorically wrong to say this is never the right approach. You can only say it wasn't the right approach for your own child.

Hence mind your own business.

My DD could be like this later in primary school after a horrific year of bullying. They never picked her up but there was certainly physical guidance to get her in. No, it wasn't great to see but there was no other way some days. She would just stand in the playground and refuse to move (for me).
Normally she calmed down once she was actually in school but I don't know what else they could have done really.
Given you don't know the family, child or circumstances I would advise you keep out of it. If this was at drop off presumably the parents were there and knew what was happening and why.

Just to reassure those saying keep out of it / mind your own business - this is what I have done! I just found it upsetting to watch as he’s usually a very happy smiley child. My DD often cries at drop off but fortunately for me doesn’t physically resist it.

Why such aggressive questioning?

This happened to my child, once. I wasn't asked, they started dragging him off, I intervened and very firmly told them to stop. It was similarly one of the most upsetting things I'd ever seen, and was not appropriate or proportionate. Sometimes, teachers lose their shit. Sometimes, they cba to do the right thing. And sometimes, it IS the right thing - but very, very rarely.

And in case you want to know what I was actually doing myself to alleviate my particular situation, I was working with my child's form teacher and we found a gentle way of managing his difficulties getting into school. Which worked a treat, btw, caused zero disruption to the rest of the class, and made my child feel secure and happy each morning. Given that my lovely child is about to go off to uni to read economics I'd argue that not being a total shit-bag to sensitive kids when they're little actually works. Who knew.

Both nursery staff (private nursery) and reception teacher used to take my child, pick him up and take him in if he was a bit teary. It calmed him down and I was glad that they were still allowed to show some kindness in the form of a cuddle .