AIBU to feel uneasy about a teacher carrying in a distressed child

[Cityslickers]

I dropped my DD off at school on Tuesday and a slightly older child (but still infants age) was screaming about going into school. The teacher picked him up / manhandled him in, which made him more distressed and he was flailing his arms and legs about etc. His lunch, bottle and glasses were all on the floor. AIBU in thinking this isn’t normally done? I feel a bit upset still thinking about it.

It seems to be quite common with kids struggling going into school but it just felt uncomfortable to watch.

It seriously pisses me off that there are so many parents whose default mode is to judge negatively and " report" teachers instead of stopping to consider that a trained professional is just doing their job in circumstances you know nothing about. Nothing.

OP..Do you really, really think that this teacher regularly carries screaming kids around like sacks of potatoes, (risking injury to herself might I add) for no particular reason. Did it honestly not cross your mind that there's something going on here that you don't know and she was acting completely professionally? Do you honestly think she wanted to carry him in like that? What do you hope to achieve by reporting?

Why are teachers SO mistrusted these days? It's really demoralising.

It’s very difficult to negotiate with a tantrumming child! In this instance it sounds impossible! The safest thing to do is get the child into school, doors are locked and there are hopefully extra staff and they can scream it out and then have a nurturing conversation when they are calmer. No way was child safe left outside with one member of staff as they would have been a flight risk which is not safe for staff or child!

If the parent wasnt there I'd report this to the safeguarding lead. If it is part of the agreed plan then no harm done, if not the school needs to investigate. Man handling children is usually a last resort when a child is being violent and a risk to others for example. There is a chance the teacher isnt acting appropriately and theres no harm with a quiet word to safeguarding person.

I’ve already apologised for saying never the right approach, i’m sorry. I totally understand how that would get peoples back up. What I did mean is that’s it’s not the right approach if it hadn’t been pre-agreed like in your case.
in my case it wasn’t pre agreed. They took it on themselves to try that approach without my agreement, I would have known it absolutely wouldn’t work for my son and wouldn’t have agreed to it. It resulted in him missing a huge amount of school after it as he was traumatised by it.
we have since put much gentler methods in place which have worked for my son, but he still has days he can’t attend (30 this year).

It depends. I couldn't get my DD into school at that age without much screaming, clinging to railings etc etc,nthe longer I stayed around the worse it got. If the teacher had come out and taken her inside like that she would have been fine 30 seconds later (was the way it worked at nursery). As it was, they didn't and my life was hell was 3 years trying to get her into school while I got stared at by staff instead.

I take it you either don’t have kids, had extraordinarily compliant toddlers, or you’ve forgotten what 1-4 year olds are like.
my eldest required a lot of manhandling up until the age of about 4. He would be dead many times over if I never ever just picked him up kicking and screaming. Probably squashed under a car or drowned in a river. Youngest is now a toddler and requires physically manhandling pretty much constantly in any environment with any risky features, and has to be wrestled into the pushchair or car seat every single time at the moment.
By school age, most kids don’t need this physical manhandling most of the time. But some kids need it for longer. And I’d hazard a guess that most 4-6 year olds need it occasionally - even if it’s just very occasionally holding tightly to their wrist to prevent them bolting on a busy road or physically separating two kids who are fighting. Treating babies and kids the same as adults is not a good kind thing to do. They need to feel safe and protected and be safe and protected and that does inevitably start out with adults physically carrying them around.
OP just drop an email to the head teacher if you’re concerned. You won’t get any kind of explanation back obviously but if they are not aware this is going on or if this is the first time this child has refused to go in the building and the teacher freaked and got it wrong in her reaction, it will be dealt with. It sounds like a better plan would be good here, even if it does might conceivably need to involve physically moving the child.

At school we're taught safeguarding is everyone's business. If you see an adult doing something that doesnt look or feel right it should be documented (quietly and without telling anyone else or casting aspersions) with the safeguarding lead. People seeing something that doesn't sit well with them but then thinking "oh its not my business" is how abuse gets swept under the carpet. Not at all to say abuse is happening here, but that adults have a duty to report things that seem "off". If everything is above board there's no harm done

I wouldn't dispute that safeguarding is everyone's business.

I would totally dispute that a teacher carrying a screaming child into a safe space is a safeguarding issue.

How come you had a front row seat, but this kid’s parents weren’t allowed past the gate?

I also dispute that there's " no harm done" when parents are continually mistrustful of teaching staff.

i was at the gate dropping my own child off?!

It is generally an upsetting situation for everyone involved. However it is likely to have happened as that is the plan that has been made with the family after discussion. Many children will calm down very quickly once inside and prolonging the transition doesn't often help.

DS1 failed transition to secondary school. He is autistic and has severe anxiety - selectively mute and diagnosed with Tourette’s when the tics became so bad. We even moved within catchment of a smaller middle school. The LA wanted him dragged in by teaching staff kicking and screaming. I met with the SENCO who said this was counter productive and would exacerbate anxiety. The LA just didn’t want to pay for a specialist school and didn’t give a shiny shit that the young person (and their parents) would have to deal with the consequences.

Does anyone have links to evidence based research that supports physical intervention in these circumstances for DC of primary age? There just seems to be anecdotal evidence provided by schools (and therefore parents of young children) that they are ‘fine’ in school. Is there follow up on what happens to DC who regularly experience being physically forced into school - do they achieve as expected, do they become school refusers, suffer mental ill health etc?

@crumacrocs What I did mean is that’s it’s not the right approach if it hadn’t been pre-agreed like in your case

Nope, that’s not what you meant. You just don’t agree with that approach as a blanket and are now back peddling as you have been slammed. Just own it.

ETA - my child was 11yo when this approach/agreement stopped. They were around 5’10 at this point, hence the assigned aide being well trained ver 6’ and heavily built to easily restrain. I’m guessing you would have been in quite the lather. Maybe child, now an adult, and very successful at that, is very glad of what we did at the time to keep them at school. They absolutely remember it but in the context of ‘it made me stay in the classroom’. More accurately, it was to get them into the classroom, but I’m happy to go with whatever their memory is …..

If the parent dropped off a reluctant child and then left, what do you think the teacher should have done? Run around after them? Follow them out of the gates and down the road?

I think some people think that teachers should just be able to switch their ‘teacher’ voice on at any given moment and all children-no matter their needs-will just follow behind them like a docile puppy!

I think you've hit the nail on the head about mistrust. I'm not saying teachers should be beyond scrutiny, of course not, but what people aren't getting is that teachers are sick and tired of being attacked. Parents' attitudes are playing a huge part in why so many are leaving the profession or want to leave. Yet we also see threads by parents complaining that their kid is being taught by a rota of supplies or TAs, because there's no teacher available, without realising the irony.

This is a link to a Guardian story about it.

https://www.theguardian.com/education/2026/mar/13/teachers-mental-heath-parents-behaviour-education

At my previous school there was a zero touch policy and no restraining under any circumstances. There are differing opinions but some schools view any carrying/touching as a safeguarding issue. For the obvious reason that an adult could use "restraining" to assault a child.

So this child’s parents were happy to leave him at the gate (presumably already in a distressed state), in the care of the teachers 🤷🏻‍♀️

How would you have advised them to handle it?

You can see it here on MN this constant theme of "report and escalate"

Day after day of complaints, threats to escalate, to take legal action....
It really is relentless and the absolute worst part of the job.

I don't think there is an issue saying anything discreetly to the head. Not a complaint just a "I'm not sure what is protocol, but this happened just in case you aren't aware".
I'm sure there is some arrangement/agreement but if there wasn't and I didn't see this happen to my child, I'd like someone to speak up. It just shows that you are noticing a vulnerable child and checking in that everything is ok

Yes-what are they supposed to do? Get another adult to come and sit with him outside? Because they have so many spare staff sitting around doing nothing, don't they? Or should they just let him run out into the road?
Or should they just say they'll only take kids who come into school sensibly everyday, with no fuss? Do we really want to exclude any child who can't do that?

Yep. My DP loves teaching the kids, hates dealing with parents who think it's okay to email him at 10pm at night with complaints. He's looking to get out too.

I cannot comprehend a zero touch policy.

What are we supposed to do with a child who is hurting others or a risk to themselves???

I have a school refuser and I'd have LOVED it if someone at school prised him off me and made him go in.

It's entirely possible that this child's parent has authorised this based on what they and the school already know works/doesn't work for this child.