AIBU to feel uneasy about a teacher carrying in a distressed child

[Cityslickers]

I dropped my DD off at school on Tuesday and a slightly older child (but still infants age) was screaming about going into school. The teacher picked him up / manhandled him in, which made him more distressed and he was flailing his arms and legs about etc. His lunch, bottle and glasses were all on the floor. AIBU in thinking this isn’t normally done? I feel a bit upset still thinking about it.

It seems to be quite common with kids struggling going into school but it just felt uncomfortable to watch.

They could hardly have left him out there on his own. What else could teacher have done?

DS used to sometimes have to be peeled off me sobbing and physically taken in by a teacher. It was a short-lived part of his school life aged 5. He's 10 now and been perfectly happily going in since he was 6.

It looked and felt horrendous at the time but he always settled happily after a short time and was the right thing to do.

What is the alternative? They need to get the child inside into a safe place so that the teacher can start teaching the rest of the class and you say the parent wasn't around to take responsibility for their child.

If teachers can't pick up or physically restrain children when required, then surely the only alternative is for parents of children having difficulties to stick around all day so they can intervene when necessary. Which doesn't seem a great solution given those parents may need to work/ may already have enough on their plates. If you're not there as a parent, you need to trust the school to do the right thing and balance the needs of all the children appropriately.

Yes, I'd be a bit upset if my child was distressed enough that they needed to be physically manhandled into school, but I'd be livid if the school washed their hands of them, said "there's nothing we can do" and walked away, leaving my child on the pavement/in the playground. I'd also be a bit put out to be called from work to collect them if the school could have handled the situation.

Schools don't have lots of spare staff floating around to deal with these situations.

Also, a tough start for the teacher…

I'd keep out of it personally. I'd be surprised if parents aren't aware and the last thing needed is someone who doesn't know the situation involving themselves.

Ring the parent.

Oh I could write a thesis on what we have done to support my child, we have had a big improvement this year since he started medication, sees a psychiatrist and psychologist, and has an extremely robust IEP in place with the school with lots of accommodations. I have even managed to return to work this year (albeit part time wfh within school hours and if he can’t make it in I’m there for him).

No it certainly didn’t. He went into burnout after it and we kept him out for a couple of weeks and gradually got him back in in a gentler manner

You don’t know whether that’s been agreed though? My DD was a school refused in reception, she’s since been diagnosed autistic. She was massively anxious around transitions and leaving me, I think made worse as she was in nursery during the Covid closures. One school were absolutely rubbish, wouldn’t help get her in and she would physically cling to me so I needed help with someone holding her off me once I’d got her in but they just told me to take her home. Advised me to home school her.

Moved her school to a much more proactive school, they would help me get in the classroom and on many occasions the head and other slt members would come and carry her in and take her for a walk to settle her, within a month she had completely changed and went in with a smile on her face. She’s 9 now and loves school, does any extra curricular activities that she can, goes to brownies, she got an award at school this year for her behaviour. She just needed to work through that anxiety. If the teachers hadn't have helped and literally carried her in to the classroom I don’t think she would be where she is today. You don’t know the individual circumstances, if the parent has left the child whilst they’re upset then they are expecting the school to manage the behaviour.

My DDs reception teacher has manhandled many children into the classroom when they’re being difficult, including both of my own children. It’s impressive seeing her fireman carry a 5 year old whilst also carrying 20 book bags and several lunchboxes.

The other option is stand outside trying to reason with a 5 year old who might only be upset because they don’t like their socks, this makes the parent late for work or older child drop offs and delays the rest of the class.

Apologies, of course I shouldn’t speak for all kids, and I’m not judging anyone if that’s what works for them.

No teacher, unless they are completely stupid, would willingly physically manhandle a child in the way you describe unless it was part of an agreed approach with the parents. So, unless you can be sure the child has no SEN or developmental conditions that require support that can be physical, it's best not to judge or whip up playground gossip. My DP is a primary teacher and has a pupil who has daily outbursts when he becomes dysregulated. His 1-1 TA is allowed to restrain him to stop him hurting himself or others but my DP doesn't, because that's not what's been agreed.

Maybe you could write them a letter describing how you think they should deal with such situations? You could include a helpful flow chart.

What's been agreed with the parents? We have some children that it has been agreed we carry in screaming. We have some who come in different doors. Some who are coaxed in. Some who get stickers for walking in on own. Some who are carried in by parents.

I absolutely would. If the HT doesnt think the teacher was doing anything wrong then nothing will come of it.

The other option is stand outside trying to reason with a 5 year old who might only be upset because they don’t like their socks, this makes the parent late for work or older child drop offs and delays the rest of the class.

Agree. Most working parents won't have time to stick around to cajole their kids into the classroom and will appreciate the teachers taking a robust approach if the alternative is being late for or missing work.

Thank you for saying that, I felt the questioning was aggressive also but felt maybe I was been sensitive as it is such a huge part of our lives and I everything I do is to try and help my son. Glad I’m not the only one who felt the questioning was aggressive.

great to hear of your son heading off to uni too. Love a good success story ❤️

You have no idea of what is happening with that child though and why they are like that. What plans are in place for that child etc with the school and what the child's parent is dealing with.

My DS has had to be carried by two staff members (one on each arm) into school once this year (and I'd say once or twice a year since he started). Its awful to watch but I kid you not I had a call 5 mins later and he was fine as soon as I left the school car park. Playing, no tears, perfectly happy and goes on to have a great day.
All an outsider would see if a child having a meltdown and the parent walking away and leaving them. They don't see the plan in place to know that carrying them in is the last resort and after 20 mins of trying to get them in already. What is the alterative? Give in and not make them go to school because they fancy a day off

This is a tough one. I have seen parents doing it to their kids, and it never struck well...I'd be surprised to see a teacher do it. I would be very surprised if it wasn't an agreed tactic however.

As a TA, I have at times had to physically restrain or encourage a child, on one memorable occasion sitting on the ground in the car park with arms and legs wrapped around my charge to keep him and me safe while we waited for him to be able to enter the building. He's happily and confidently at secondary school now so presumably not too distressed by it.

That said, my eldest was hugely anxious at primary school, to the point that we withdrew her and home educated for a few years. I certify wouldn't have allowed anyone to manhandle her, it would have destroyed any trust she had in us or them. I did allow her to be peeled off me when she first started secondary though

It wasn’t really a cuddle. He was crying in the corner of the enclosed area of the infant yard. She went over to him and immediately picked him up. He was sideways kicking and flailing his arms around screaming.

the School will have a policy on restrictive interventions. See if You can find it, it might help you understand what was going on.

Why weren’t the parents there? Who dropped him off?

I completely get that but there was 0 negotiation at all she immediately went to carry him in (which she struggled with) and he was fighting it with his arms and legs and screaming.

It will have been an agreed approach with the parents. Otherwise the teacher wouldn't have even tried. Manhandling a pupil against their will and without permission is a one-way ticket to a gross misconduct hearing.

When people say children should be made to go to school, how do they imagine that is going to be achieved?