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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to want to stay?

133 replies

Stayinganontoday · Yesterday 11:03

My husband and I have been together for almost 9 years. The truth is that (and I know it’s a walking contradiction) ever since he had the big change I would say we have 360 very good days a year.

Without going into a lot of detail….

Around 8/7 years ago he went through a period of being an awful awful person, violet, would drink to much, spent £20k on cam
Girls when we needed the money, sexted someone, messaged random women, you know a total gem!

However, he got cornered and he accepted he was wrong etc, and things did improve massively and we became the happy couple that we are these days.

I only told him he had a very simple rule not to message random women as I know they could escalate (he seeks/loves validation). Anywho, it all went well until 6 months ago when he broke his promise. I don’t check his phone so he’s the only one who knows the truth.

About 4 weeks ago he took my medication, so that was a turning point that he needed some sort of external help. I’ve always been of the idea that he should be more measured rather than just stop cold turkey but he hasn’t ever been to get there, although he does drink a lot less these days.

Anywho, we had another fight (I have PTSD from my father (and some of my husband actions) but my husband wasn’t aware. Big fight … and well
We’ve decided to try yet again but this time he’s gone cold turkey on social media. I’m a bit skeptical about it as I think he’ll betray me again, but I rarely think about it so I’m
Ok with that. I just want long periods of “peace”. We’ve had them, so I know it’s possible, I guess the question is how to maintain them for longer periods of time.

Like I said as weird as it sounds we do live a happy life.

OP posts:
Stayinganontoday · Today 13:51

EmeraldShamrock000 · Today 13:48

He is not capable of sorting out this mess alone, he needs professional health, doing it alone will teach him to lie better.
He has his demons. We get one life, don’t waste your life attached to him, he is a waster.
Let him seek help himself or not, whatever he decides, don’t be there for him again.
Stop talking and take action.

Edited

He now has a case worker and tomorrow he has an appointment with the GP for the more psychological route.

he did try support groups a few years ago they were not his style.

which is why he’s now taking this approach, and we shall see

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock000 · Today 13:56

Stayinganontoday · Today 13:51

He now has a case worker and tomorrow he has an appointment with the GP for the more psychological route.

he did try support groups a few years ago they were not his style.

which is why he’s now taking this approach, and we shall see

Not nearly enough. He needs intense counselling to accept how horrible he has been, how horrible he has acted again, how he has little or no respect for you and pretends he just needs validation from other women.
He’s a selfish creature.
Your view is off due to the trauma you suffered as a child and your friendship group, he’s not as bad as your Friends husband in your mind. That’s a very low bar.

Stayinganontoday · Today 14:06

EmeraldShamrock000 · Today 13:56

Not nearly enough. He needs intense counselling to accept how horrible he has been, how horrible he has acted again, how he has little or no respect for you and pretends he just needs validation from other women.
He’s a selfish creature.
Your view is off due to the trauma you suffered as a child and your friendship group, he’s not as bad as your Friends husband in your mind. That’s a very low bar.

Yes, he’s not as bad but that’s not why I’m still
with him.

I simply don’t have a blanket policy of bad vs good

I can objectively say that he’s better than my dad, my friends husband, my sisters husband, my best friends partner.

i cannot come and say if he’s better than my other acquaintances but also from what I can see those husbands aren’t perfect either, but there’s also good in them.

Also, because you never know what happens behind closed doors.

im not denying that there’s probably millions of couples with just simple disagreements, but I still haven’t met one. I’m

OP posts:
Fiendishandfiery · Today 14:45

You say more tolerant than 99.9 percent of people. But I think it’s a very low bar. There is little this man can do to you which will make you leave him. For it to end, he’d have to end it, snd even then you’d likely ask him to stay, all I can think is that’s a low self esteem issue. Have you explored that in therapy?

I also question why you’re in the marriage, as it feels more of convenience for you. As him cheating didn’t bother you, but the money did,

Stayinganontoday · Today 14:50

Fiendishandfiery · Today 14:45

You say more tolerant than 99.9 percent of people. But I think it’s a very low bar. There is little this man can do to you which will make you leave him. For it to end, he’d have to end it, snd even then you’d likely ask him to stay, all I can think is that’s a low self esteem issue. Have you explored that in therapy?

I also question why you’re in the marriage, as it feels more of convenience for you. As him cheating didn’t bother you, but the money did,

Because I never considered it cheating, what he did was disrespectful and could turn into my actual definition of cheating.

and no…

a) he misuses money again - he’s out

b) he’s psychical with someone - he’s out

and it bothered me because it wasn’t his money!! (So to speak - as yes it was his salary, but we needed the money, and instead me/my family subsidised us for that time).

OP posts:
Retrolady13 · Today 15:07

Wait ... "bleeding walls"?

Stayinganontoday · Today 15:40

Retrolady13 · Today 15:07

Wait ... "bleeding walls"?

Yeah like the upside down from stranger things that’s made of flesh. Of course I knew it was not real and just a product of my imagination

OP posts:
Macaronnn · Today 16:06

Stayinganontoday · Today 10:18

What saviour complex???

I’ve never said “I’ll change him” or “love will
change him”.

I’ve said that he seems to be incapable of changing but that overall his flaws do not outperform his redeemable qualities.

or the inner peace and fun and laughter

that he brings to my life the vast majority of the time.

both can coexist at the same time

What inner peace? You said he contributes to your PTSD - that isn't peace. Ffs everyone is saying leave him and you are saying but the kids are happy compared to my even worse ex - you want to stay, so do. He creates the drama and you thrive on it - perfect match.

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