AIBU to want to stay?

[Stayinganontoday]

My husband and I have been together for almost 9 years. The truth is that (and I know it’s a walking contradiction) ever since he had the big change I would say we have 360 very good days a year.

Without going into a lot of detail….

Around 8/7 years ago he went through a period of being an awful awful person, violet, would drink to much, spent £20k on cam
Girls when we needed the money, sexted someone, messaged random women, you know a total gem!

However, he got cornered and he accepted he was wrong etc, and things did improve massively and we became the happy couple that we are these days.

I only told him he had a very simple rule not to message random women as I know they could escalate (he seeks/loves validation). Anywho, it all went well until 6 months ago when he broke his promise. I don’t check his phone so he’s the only one who knows the truth.

About 4 weeks ago he took my medication, so that was a turning point that he needed some sort of external help. I’ve always been of the idea that he should be more measured rather than just stop cold turkey but he hasn’t ever been to get there, although he does drink a lot less these days.

Anywho, we had another fight (I have PTSD from my father (and some of my husband actions) but my husband wasn’t aware. Big fight … and well
We’ve decided to try yet again but this time he’s gone cold turkey on social media. I’m a bit skeptical about it as I think he’ll betray me again, but I rarely think about it so I’m
Ok with that. I just want long periods of “peace”. We’ve had them, so I know it’s possible, I guess the question is how to maintain them for longer periods of time.

Like I said as weird as it sounds we do live a happy life.

You haven't said anything in your post about your feelings OP.
It sounds as though you are in serious denial about how appalling his behaviour was then and has probably continued to be.

I hate when people say I’m denial of course I’m not! I just have a higher tolerance level than 99.9% of the time and can accept that he can be an ahole and a decent husband at the same time.

You may have a high tolerance level, but I think you're being incredibly naive, from what you've written, and from experience of having (past) and helping people with addictive and compulsive behaviour

How am I being naive? I accept that once an addict always an addict and that behind close doors I have no clue what happens.

but ultimately I’m ok with that.

It's your life and your marriage. if living this way suits you, it's noone else's business. 🤷

Of course you are in denial! Never ceases to amaze me what some women are prepared to put up with just to be with a man. Work on your self esteem and leave this awfulan.

Well perhaps oddly, I don't actually think that once = always. But I think your description of your husband's behaviour and his slips suggest that he hasn't fully addressed his issues yet.

What is he addicted to @Stayinganontoday ? Alcohol? Something else?

He has an addictive personality….

and he walkways needs an addiction or obsession

he does drink (I think he could be classified as an alcoholic but I’ll leave that to the pros - he also has a key worker for that)

he has tried every single drug under the sun

and he did have a porn addiction (which again he might still have I wouldn’t know) but the golden rule is that he’ll never spend money on it again.

Well, I dont think I could stay with someone who's an addict. You'll also find that the replies you get here say you're mad for staying - I don't know anyone who'd advocate staying with a partner who's been violent.

You asked if you're unreasonable to stay, I think most of the responses will say yes but it's your choice and your life. Addiction is an illness so if one accepts there will be periods of illness or relapse then perhaps they can be weathered but you need to decide what your limit is.

If you're not already, take steps to secure the money in your name and held jointly, and call 999 if he's violent again.

This is so depressing to read. Why do people chose to stay in situations like this and delude themselves that this is remotely okay or normal.

It's not okay and he is not a good man. And yes you are deluded if you think that this a is okay. You need a lot of therapy and some perspective before you throw the rest of your life away on this man.

Why are you asking? You're pushing back at anyone who tells you you're unreasonable, you have clearly made your mind up before writing the thread.

Yes, he has access to money but full traceability so that’s been dealt with (many years ago).

My therapist doesn’t think I’m deluded yesterday they said I’m just “nuanced” and that contradicting realities can coexist what matters is the impact on my MH

Not really sure what you're asking OP. If you want to stay then stay, but I don't think anyone here is going to tell you it's a wonderful idea because he sounds like a complete arsehole.

But if that's what you want, then you do you 🤷‍♀️

He sounds like a nightmare and it makes me sad to read what some women are prepared to put up with. You sound like a nice woman and worth so much more than him.

You need some therapy for yourself to understand why you have set your bar so low. How have your past experiences led you to think that you have to settle for a partner who is a problem waiting to happen.

I am assuming from what you have written that you had an unstable or unsafe upbringing so your sense of what is normal and acceptable is likely calibrated at a level many people would not tolerate.

Living with an unexploded bomb of a partner may feel less scary than being alone even though you know he will blow things up every so often. However, I suspect you spend much of your life hyper vigilant for the signs things are slipping without even realising it.

The one thing you don’t have is a peaceful life just a life with quiet periods before the next explosion that rips up your security.

How is he an unexploded bomb? Honest question

I’ve through god know how many years of therapy of all different types. I’m on the waiting list for one of the flickering lights for PTSD so don’t come and tell me that I need therapy.

If you’re happy to put up with his nonsense then that’s up to you. Not sure why you’re asking if you’re being unreasonable when it’s obvious from your replies that you don’t want to leave and you’re happy to keep putting up with his behaviour 🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s all very much a balancing act, and there are people who are flawed with redeeming features, and people who are flawed with zero redeeming features.

my husband is the former

Crikey, you are not exactly selling him. He sounds horrific.

But it is your marriage/your choice to stay with him if you want. I agree counselling would be good for you.

I am / have been on counselling. I genuinely don’t know what people think it does (or doesn’t).

A man who hits his wife has no redeeming features.

You clearly love him a lot more than he loves you. A person who loves you doesn't hit you, abuse you or cheat on you. Those are not minor character transgressions. They are the behaviours of someone who really doesn't care about you deep down, only what they want.

I don't really understand the point of your post, you're in a relationship which you know most people wouldn't accept but defend it . Well that's sad to read but if it works for you okay. Good luck with that. If he's got an addictive personality surely he'll replace one addiction for another. He sounds like a tosser to me but maybe you're addicted to his drama etc.