AIBU to want to stay?

[Stayinganontoday]

My husband and I have been together for almost 9 years. The truth is that (and I know it’s a walking contradiction) ever since he had the big change I would say we have 360 very good days a year.

Without going into a lot of detail….

Around 8/7 years ago he went through a period of being an awful awful person, violet, would drink to much, spent £20k on cam
Girls when we needed the money, sexted someone, messaged random women, you know a total gem!

However, he got cornered and he accepted he was wrong etc, and things did improve massively and we became the happy couple that we are these days.

I only told him he had a very simple rule not to message random women as I know they could escalate (he seeks/loves validation). Anywho, it all went well until 6 months ago when he broke his promise. I don’t check his phone so he’s the only one who knows the truth.

About 4 weeks ago he took my medication, so that was a turning point that he needed some sort of external help. I’ve always been of the idea that he should be more measured rather than just stop cold turkey but he hasn’t ever been to get there, although he does drink a lot less these days.

Anywho, we had another fight (I have PTSD from my father (and some of my husband actions) but my husband wasn’t aware. Big fight … and well
We’ve decided to try yet again but this time he’s gone cold turkey on social media. I’m a bit skeptical about it as I think he’ll betray me again, but I rarely think about it so I’m
Ok with that. I just want long periods of “peace”. We’ve had them, so I know it’s possible, I guess the question is how to maintain them for longer periods of time.

Like I said as weird as it sounds we do live a happy life.

OP: AIBU to want to stay?

Everyone: Yes!

OP: no im not

🫠

EMDR therapy is highly effective for dealing with past trauma but is very hard to deliver is the subject is going through current trauma. And whether you recognise it or not, you are.
You may be having lots of good days with DH but your subconscious ALWAYS knows your husband could turn.
In order to keep things nice you are gaslighting yourself. Maybe he’s not as bad as another abuser, he has good days, you can get through it.
Addicts are liars when they are active. It doesn’t mean they don’t have the capacity to love, their primary concern is whatever it is they are addicted to, and then themselves. Anyone else can get in line, and be lucky there is anything left over for them.
This man has been addicted to everything under the sun and your only red line seems to be him paying for porn.
That’s so sad, that your relationship is reduced to that.
No amount of advice either way on here will get you to leave him, I am sure.
Just be prepared for the fact as you both get older it will get even more difficult and you are going to be a care for a man with significant health issues.
And it’s not pretty for anyone who has been around it.

You keep putting up with the dickhead you live with then and don’t ever expect anything better .. he’s such a catch

Well stay with him then 🤷‍♀️

So you're fine with things as they are OP. That's nice.

What exactly are you asking of people on here?

What's the point of your thread?

Our son doesn’t really see any of the negative sides. The older children for example (who are very well balanced young adults) say how much better their lives are in our household in comparison to what I lived with my exH or the experience that they had when their parents were together (my step children).

"My therapist doesn’t think I’m deluded yesterday they said I’m just “nuanced” and that contradicting realities can coexist what matters is the impact on my MH"

Which is why I'd rather speak to a stranger on a bus stop than a therapist.

He’s getting help for the alcohol and the drugs he currently doesn’t do anything.

his other addictions are running and overall fitness from that POV he’s overall healthy.

So what exactly are you posting for if you can tolerate this awful behaviour? Validation? Praise?

You know it’s bad but are choosing to carry on. That’s denial of how bad it is.

You don’t say in any of your posts that you love him.
You say you think he can love you whilst betraying you, that you cry out in happiness - I don’t quite understand the reference but have guessed it might be sexual fulfilment - and have positive hyperphantasia with him.

None of that means love. It’s more indicative of trauma bonding / hysterical bonding. Some people - often those who have had traumatic experiences - need the threat of blow ups to feel anything in a relationship because love doesn’t feel secure or exciting enough.

What you do mention a lot is being on alert for his next betrayal.

He is an alcoholic, drug abusing, porn addicted money squanderer who seeks validation from other women and has a violent history.

You and your kids think he’s not that bad because your comparable situations were much worse.
That’s like saying I don’t mind eating this shit sandwich because the last one I ate was shit and glass.

You will never be at rest in this relationship. Even on your best days there will be a part of you waiting for the next blow up. It’s never going to change. He was clearly awful in his last relationship given his children’s comments. Being less worse is the best they and you can say of him.

Your defensiveness to posters saying YABU says it all - you want validation that you are right to stay because somewhere inside you know you deserve more.

If what you are actually asking is ‘is it unreasonable to stay in this dysfunctional relationship with an addict who has to be ‘guardrailed’ to behave decently because it’s the best I think I can do / better than being alone’ - I’d still say YABU.

This can’t be how you genuinely want to spend the rest of your life?

Make sure you have absolutely rock solid contraception.

I’m not sure what you’re asking then.

He sounds like an arsehole and you’re happy to accept his trashy behaviour.

Jesus Christ-there ARE children involved???
Your son absolutely sees the negative sides.

If there is a child involved, then that changes the calculus. It is no longer about what you're prepared to put up with.

I suspect that your son sees a whole lot more than you would like to believe. He deserves better than this dysfunctional set-up.

I think you’ve missed my point. All you’ve done is reply to tell me about him.
I know of the chaos and lies that come with addiction because I am one. I am a long time clean, I don’t have kids, I met my current other half after I got sober but I’m aware of the lifelong work it takes.
If you think your children haven’t even affected I’ve a bridge to sell you. They’ve been brought up soaked in these behaviours and your current marriage is the least best option for them. And like most children of addicts they will have grown up hyper vigilant and the trauma response is one to fawn.
I know I’m being blunt but you are absolutely stuck here.
If you want to stay then that’s up to you I’m not sure why you’ve asked MN.
But I feel for children brought up this way. My mother was and the pain it brought her was huge.

The only way to get permanent peace is to rid yourself of this pos.
If you are accepting of it then you have to accept all of it. You need to think of yourself far more than this twat does.

It’s an interesting one….
my father was/is an alcoholic (as I have no clue if he lives or doesn’t live).

now… did his alcoholism deeply affect me? Realistically not that much.

the violence against my poor mother (and me) yeah 100%

What really effed me up was that his violence led to kill someone and then he had the audacity to blame us (his family like wtf!)

now, my sister ended up with someone who’s continuously physically violent (her behaviours and those of my nephew confirm it) can I compare them
to my life? Not at all, my life is genuinely wonderful in comparison

now my poor poor mother had a horrible mother who repeatedly told them she didn’t want to have them but couldn’t afford an abortion and also tried to kill all of them (obviously she couldn’t go through it). But she did give away my mother to random strangers at a bus stop….

when you compare ALL OF THAT to my life I literally live an absolutely wonderful life.

when you come from that, an improvement is still
an improvement so I’ll take it :)

You have two identical posts OP, I feel like you’re just wanting to tell everyone there’re wrong.

What do you want people to say to you?

I think you jumped the shark with the bleeding walls OP 😂

Up to you to not believe me! It was pretty gorey but completely true. My the husband thought I was schizophrenic (but I’m not btw)

I wasn’t brave enough to mention that bit.

If you think you're providing an appropriate environment for your child to grow up in, then I would kindly suggest that you have been much more deeply affected by your dysfunctional childhood than you realise. The fact that your situation is less dire than your sister's does not make it ok.

Your current set-up is not ok, and your dc will be negatively affected. You can choose to bury your head in the sand or you can choose to break the cycle. Up to you, really.

@SamuraiSally yeah what OP has described is more like psychosis not hyperphantasia which is just having a very vivid visual imagination.

The whole point for this thread is beyond me because being stuck with what OP has described above and calling it wonderful is either someone rage baiting for attention or genuinely unwell.

But if they don’t experience it, seriously how is it that it’s not ok?

tou make it sound like I walk in eggshells which I don’t.

and also no, it has been diagnosed as hyperphantasia by a psychiatrist, I had to go through a whole
binch of diagnoses and also saw a neuropsychologist.

Your marriage your choice.

I think you have low standards and are in denial about the state of your relationship. But that’s my opinion, you have the choice to do what you want with your life.