AIBU to want to stay?

[Stayinganontoday]

My husband and I have been together for almost 9 years. The truth is that (and I know it’s a walking contradiction) ever since he had the big change I would say we have 360 very good days a year.

Without going into a lot of detail….

Around 8/7 years ago he went through a period of being an awful awful person, violet, would drink to much, spent £20k on cam
Girls when we needed the money, sexted someone, messaged random women, you know a total gem!

However, he got cornered and he accepted he was wrong etc, and things did improve massively and we became the happy couple that we are these days.

I only told him he had a very simple rule not to message random women as I know they could escalate (he seeks/loves validation). Anywho, it all went well until 6 months ago when he broke his promise. I don’t check his phone so he’s the only one who knows the truth.

About 4 weeks ago he took my medication, so that was a turning point that he needed some sort of external help. I’ve always been of the idea that he should be more measured rather than just stop cold turkey but he hasn’t ever been to get there, although he does drink a lot less these days.

Anywho, we had another fight (I have PTSD from my father (and some of my husband actions) but my husband wasn’t aware. Big fight … and well
We’ve decided to try yet again but this time he’s gone cold turkey on social media. I’m a bit skeptical about it as I think he’ll betray me again, but I rarely think about it so I’m
Ok with that. I just want long periods of “peace”. We’ve had them, so I know it’s possible, I guess the question is how to maintain them for longer periods of time.

Like I said as weird as it sounds we do live a happy life.

just read all your posts OP. You are either incredibly stupid or completely blind. Do you have a daughter??? Can you imagine her being in a relationship like this?!

I hope someone in your children’s life is in a position of safeguarding and reports you to SS.

Why does “addictive personality” always seem to mean “he can do whatever he wants and I just have to put up with it” Why are people with “addictive personalities” never addicted to doing good things?

You sound unhinged. You are asking for advice and the majority are telling you to leave your abusive, cheating and addicted husband, especially as you have a young child. Yes, he may be better than your ex-husband but the bar is extremely low and a turd could shine against this one. Then you are making excuses, saying you don't mind the cheating it's the spending money to cheat (so financial abuse) that is the issue, having 6 beers over 3 days is not an alcoholic unless they are beer barrels. You say he along with your father has contributed to you having PTSD but you are not naive or in denial you see the nuances in people - yes people are flawed and in this case you need to get your head on straight and the only way this can be done is alone with therapy (the therapy is about improving your self esteem) and keeping your kids safe from their fathers. However, I do believe you won't leave because part of you only knows drama.

Op a nice man is generally ALWAYS nice. Not to say they don’t make mistakes, but not ones that make you question their whole personality. When someone does something heinous, there is no confusion, they are rotten. No amount of good things make up for it. Judge people by their worst behaviour. If you think their worst behaviour is bad enough to leave, you have your answer. Nice people don’t treat people badly, ever. I’m sorry but you are indeed deluded but he’s caused that with intermittent reinforcement and good acting. He’s basically a nasty cunt.

Because of the threads like these (many many years) when things were actually BAD I did talk to a health visitor, the police, and. Social services and you know what they said??? That it wasn’t bad enough to intervene and they didn’t see a risk.

That's because they have a minimum line legally which is so high as to be basically useless except in extreme cases. Why? Money, or rather the lack of it.

Threads like these have helped hundreds of women over the years. They have opened their eyes and they have done something about their circumstances and gone on to live better, happier lives. Stop reaching out to others who cannot help you and (hate the phrase) put on your big girl pants and start the leaving process yourself. Others can be supportive but it has to come from yourself first. Internalise your saviour complex to help yourself and your child, not him. And stop lying to yourself, if not for you then do it for your child.

What saviour complex???

I’ve never said “I’ll change him” or “love will
change him”.

I’ve said that he seems to be incapable of changing but that overall his flaws do not outperform his redeemable qualities.

or the inner peace and fun and laughter

that he brings to my life the vast majority of the time.

both can coexist at the same time

Wow, way to deny the effects this toxic relationship is having on your children!!!

”but I love him” sometimes love is not enough.

if nothing else, where is your self-respect FFS? He’s spending thousands of pounds on cam girls, he’s openly cheating on you!

Fair enough if you want to throw your life away at this loser, your son deserves better.

Not another one of this….

our own children even say how great the home life is…. Aren’t they the ones who should judge?

secondly, they really don’t experience any of it (which I still don’t see how difficult it is to understand either).

lastly, coming from a beyond toxic environment for generations this is genuinely Disneyland.

my biggest thermometer is my eldest daughter and she genuinely enjoys our home life (and compares it to her previous life that I had with her dad)

the same goes for the our eldest and he’s a proper adult.

I always wonder why "sex addict" is always trotted out as an excuse when some prominent man is outed as a repulsive abusive sex offender. It just seems like carte blanche to behave badly to me.

Well he’s actually been diagnosed for it. He’s been a “user” since he was like 11.

he has a porn addiction which part of the umbrella of sex addiction.

"both can coexist at the same time"

No, they can'tbecause you are always waiting for his next transgression of your "rules". Then you will set new ones and wait for him to break them too. Tie yourself up in knots and "but I love him" semantics and psychobabble all you like, but he is dragging you down with him as you try to cling onto your alternative reality. Think about your child.

Ok if you are this deep in denial there’s no point engaging with you.

He’s a violent, cheating drunk who spends money on cam girls and is abusive to his family. Saying he’s “better than previous abusive exes” is so disgustingly disingenuous I can barely believe you have the brass neck to type it!

If this is showing your kids “Disneyland” I dread to think how fucked up and toxic their previous home environment was!

But as long as you “love him, he’s your world etc etc” then fuck the repercussions for your children, eh?!

I hope someone in real life is looking out for/safeguarding your children. You certainly aren’t!!

I haven’t set any rules since his first transgression 5-6 years ago, those have remained constant, he broke the simplest of one, but believe it or not I don’t go through my life hoping he doesn’t break them every single day of my life.

i rarely think about them, and have zero impact life to our day to day 95-97% of the time.

also I don’t know what you think our child sees or experiences tbf

It's okay to want to stay, it's your life. All these people yelling at you is not going to do anything but make you dig your heels in deeper anyway. And yes, intermittent abuse and a generally happy family does happen and is in fact how it almost always happens. Otherwise no one would stay with these men at all. If you are happy enough and safe then stay. But it could be a good idea to join a support group or something for your PTSD and to develop self confidence and also just broaden your networks a bit.

Best of luck

This all sounds very complicated with therapists and key workers so probably not the same situation but my husband of 25 years used to “go off the rails” shall we say, from time to time and like you I do have a pretty high tolerance level for things. He’s nearly 60 and has certainly calmed down in the last 5 years or so, though not completely. There has to be a level of acceptance when you choose to stay with someone with a number of faults - really there are only 2 choices, accept it and stay or don’t accept it and leave. That’s all you’ve got. It’s always a balance of “is this worth it?” coupled with a bit of wild optimism.

I’m not in denial…

I know it was awful, I know most people would have left, I chose not to. That’s very different to say that what he did was nothing or “not too bad”.

I just have different parameters

You are living in cloud cuckoo land if you think your child hears nothing, senses nothing when you are having huge fights, when your DH is either high or absent. You are in denial.

This is really sad. Your bar is so low, you're accepting so much shit, and your aim seems to be to go longer between him fucking up, not to leave him

High or absent?

he’s never been either of them in front of the children.

drunk sure, but he genuinely falls asleep.

as for the fights, we literally have 1 once a year. Which again IMO is virtually nothing.

I give up. If everything is so rosy and wonderful and you are living in such peace and harmony, why did you post, asking how you could achieve peace and harmony?

Because after a fight (as far in between as they are) I ponder things, but it eventually fades, and I like express those ponderings verbally.

It’s telling that you are ‘pondering’ this on an anonymous forum rather than with people in real life.

Based on your replies you’ve given a picture of 2 dysfunctional, damaged people who think everyone around them is blind.

Given how defensive you are on here about the relationship I doubt your children feel they could be honest about what they really feel. Or maybe they are so traumatised by your previous relationship that it does feel ‘like Disneyland’ - that’s not a sign it’s a healthy relationship, just that’s it’s not as bad. 2 different things.

That aside, you are committed to staying in this relationship and accepting what most people would not. He may level out as he gets older or he may get worse. This may be a temporary blip and he overcomes his issues one and for all or a downward spiral.

You have a choice at any time to say no, this doesn’t work any more in either scenario. And if you get EMDR you might find yourself healing enough to say that. I hope you do.

Well maybe because (as I have already explained)

I have two local friends:

a) one is married to a proper alcoholic (he hides bottles in toilets and goes on random benders during the day)

b) her husband is friends with my husband so not a great one to vent to

I do talk to my mother, and my best friend, and my therapist.

so there’s nothing “telling” about this beyond that who else am I supposed to talk to?

He is not capable of sorting out this mess alone, he needs professional health, doing it alone will teach him to lie better.
He has his demons. We get one life, don’t waste your life attached to him, he is a waster.
Let him seek help himself or not, whatever he decides, don’t be there for him again.
Stop talking and take action.