AIBU to want to stay?

[Stayinganontoday]

My husband and I have been together for almost 9 years. The truth is that (and I know it’s a walking contradiction) ever since he had the big change I would say we have 360 very good days a year.

Without going into a lot of detail….

Around 8/7 years ago he went through a period of being an awful awful person, violet, would drink to much, spent £20k on cam
Girls when we needed the money, sexted someone, messaged random women, you know a total gem!

However, he got cornered and he accepted he was wrong etc, and things did improve massively and we became the happy couple that we are these days.

I only told him he had a very simple rule not to message random women as I know they could escalate (he seeks/loves validation). Anywho, it all went well until 6 months ago when he broke his promise. I don’t check his phone so he’s the only one who knows the truth.

About 4 weeks ago he took my medication, so that was a turning point that he needed some sort of external help. I’ve always been of the idea that he should be more measured rather than just stop cold turkey but he hasn’t ever been to get there, although he does drink a lot less these days.

Anywho, we had another fight (I have PTSD from my father (and some of my husband actions) but my husband wasn’t aware. Big fight … and well
We’ve decided to try yet again but this time he’s gone cold turkey on social media. I’m a bit skeptical about it as I think he’ll betray me again, but I rarely think about it so I’m
Ok with that. I just want long periods of “peace”. We’ve had them, so I know it’s possible, I guess the question is how to maintain them for longer periods of time.

Like I said as weird as it sounds we do live a happy life.

I completely agree. I suspect the first rather than the second but who knows

You have said that your husband is an alcoholic and a drug user with a violent past. And your son is living in a household with this man.

You might not think that your son is experiencing any difficulties in relation to this, but it is impossible that he is not being affected by it.

Your bar is too low. Understandable, given your own dysfunctional childhood. But it is not OK to expose your child to this. It will not be as well hidden as you wish to believe.

OP I voted YABU because I think you are. You are just waiting for the next incident. It could be 2 weeks or 2 years, but he will betray you and/or be violent again. If you are willing to accept that then it's up to you but I think it's a miserable life to be just waiting for it to happen again.

You might not think it, but you alter your behaviour, walk on egg shells just waiting. But you do you. It's your life.

Oh my god these types of posts are really starting to grate on me and are boring me to death.
If you’re going to sit and argue that your child isn’t effected, that you have a lovely life, that your husband is a doting dad and only does what he does in drink and that he loves you - then why bother posting?

It’s affected

I mean my husband has literally hasn’t used any drugs even remotely around children for the past 20 years.

and yes he drinks, I think probably does fall under the alcoholic definition but he doesn’t drink every day, he drinks around 6 pints over the weekend (between all three days) he just doesn’t know when to stop and he 99% of the time simply falls asleep.

over the years he’s actually shown that if I tell him “I think this should be your last one” he stops.

for the most part he’s a “passive drunk”

and he hasn’t been violent in 7 years

OP, I have one question.

If you think everything is fine, then why did you post this thread?

I needed to “chat” to someone . I have this streams of thoughts but they get resolved 3-5 days and im
on day 4

But what was it that made you feel you needed to chat about this? If everything is as hunky dory as you say, what made you have thoughts about whether it might be unreasonable to want to stay?

Most people in genuinely happy marriages don't need to wonder whether it is unreasonable to want to stay in them. The fact that you asked the question tells me that, deep down, you know there is a problem.

Because he came back on Saturday smelling of sweat and alcohol and it triggered me, so we argued.

TBH apparently I had never told him the smell of stale alcohol triggers (which could be true) he didn’t do anything awful that day.

Well if you didn’t end it over the cam girls, the violence, the other women, and the drinking, you’re never going to, are you?

I think you’re mad but all the best. You’re going to need it.

Well realistically (and I was very honest about it) I didn’t really care about the porn or the cam girls , my issue is he used money he didn’t have.

i genuinely have no issue with, in fact when i was much younger i wanted to start an “adult” production company (way before OF)

Well OP it sounds like you’re 100% happy with this relationship and deeply offended by the suggestion that you might not be, so I’m not sure what you need anyone here to help you with. 🤷‍♀️

What medication of yours did he take @Stayinganontoday ?

Yeah only because they’re not allowed to tell you you’re batshit crazy

Sleeping pills. I’ve had sleeping problems as long as I can remember so I have a “stash” fully prescribed.

I normally can’t sleep when exciting things happen (like starting a new job, going on holiday, etc) so I only use them when I really need to sleep and I’m sure I won’t be able to.

If you’re “OK with it” why are you posting?

You are just going to get loads of us asking you why your self esteem is so pitifully low, but you don’t give a shit. 🤷‍♀️

Who are you kidding
he sounds vile
more fool you for tolerating this!!

have some respect and get rid of this creature. You deserve better

It's entirely up to you what you do with your own life. I am in a similar position and I get it. You love him. I am 46 and have been with my husband since 19. He had periods of heavy drinking where behaviour was really bad, he is sober now and teetotal. Recently after it became clear to him I was leaving, he completely changed himself. Got fit, started being nice, cooking, paying me positive attention, controlling his anger. The husband I had wanted and missed from when we first got together. The problem is be only changed because he had to. Because he would lose his family. And there has been alot of damage done. I don't want him to touch me and I'm planning to leave on my own timeline. So I guess I am saying that you need to be clear eyed. You are only nine years in and it sounds like the behaviour is starting again. Please go to therapy to talk about it.

You posted about this at the time? The sleeping pills were highly controlled Benzos and he swiped the lot? (If I remember correctly you had a significant amount in terms of what GP's are happy to prescribe)

Oh I remember that

Blinking lights therapy, Are we talking about EMDR? If so...... I had child trauma , teen trauma and then marriage trauma. Once my memories were processed and I started questioning myself, I understood I was in an abusive marriage. I did stay for a couple more years but it escalated and I realised I didnt want a life waking up wondering if we would be a happy couple or I was to walk on eggshells.

PSTD is a fucker to live with, I believed, despite knowing it was abusive, I was better off staying. When it was good it was good when it was bad it was fucking soul destroying.

You say your husband has form for addictions, sexting, porn, chatting but youve no idea what he is actually up too, nor do you seem to care. Thats fine, its called becoming emotionally numb. As long as it doesnt directly cause me pain and suffering I will turn a blind eye. Thats you, whether you want to believe it or not. In time you will see it.

You ask how you can achieve periods of peace op. You can’t. Because you are not in control of achieving that peace. He holds all the cards. You make rules. He breaks them. You make new rules. He breaks them again. You tie yourself in knots to excuse his abusive behaviour. That’s the unvarnished, non-psychobabble truth.

Raise your bar. He is NOT a decent husband, how deluded do you have to be to think he is? Jesus.

You need to leave the stupid twat.