AIBU to want to stay?

[Stayinganontoday]

My husband and I have been together for almost 9 years. The truth is that (and I know it’s a walking contradiction) ever since he had the big change I would say we have 360 very good days a year.

Without going into a lot of detail….

Around 8/7 years ago he went through a period of being an awful awful person, violet, would drink to much, spent £20k on cam
Girls when we needed the money, sexted someone, messaged random women, you know a total gem!

However, he got cornered and he accepted he was wrong etc, and things did improve massively and we became the happy couple that we are these days.

I only told him he had a very simple rule not to message random women as I know they could escalate (he seeks/loves validation). Anywho, it all went well until 6 months ago when he broke his promise. I don’t check his phone so he’s the only one who knows the truth.

About 4 weeks ago he took my medication, so that was a turning point that he needed some sort of external help. I’ve always been of the idea that he should be more measured rather than just stop cold turkey but he hasn’t ever been to get there, although he does drink a lot less these days.

Anywho, we had another fight (I have PTSD from my father (and some of my husband actions) but my husband wasn’t aware. Big fight … and well
We’ve decided to try yet again but this time he’s gone cold turkey on social media. I’m a bit skeptical about it as I think he’ll betray me again, but I rarely think about it so I’m
Ok with that. I just want long periods of “peace”. We’ve had them, so I know it’s possible, I guess the question is how to maintain them for longer periods of time.

Like I said as weird as it sounds we do live a happy life.

So you’re happy to put up with his nonsense and that’s fine that’s your choice, it’s your life. It sounds like you are trying to convince us all that you’re doing the right thing and we’re all unreasonable to think you’re crackers for staying?
For the record if my DH did any of those things even once he’d be getting divorce papers!!

I actually believe you can deeply love someone and still betray them, that doesn’t make it right but I do believe it’s possible.

This is MN. If a guy so much as looks at another woman then the answer is almost always something along the lines of, ‘he’s shown you who he is, you need to get your ducks in a row.’

You will be roasted in this thread!

Also I said violent (not that he hit me) I don’t know if that makes any difference anyway.

but as someone who did experience domestic violence it’s very different to see one from the other.

pure domestic violence is to make someone submissive (and a power trip), then there’s people who do get drunk and don’t become the nicest people and can be verbally violent (which is ultimately what he did).

hes absolutely never done it with sober, never raised his voice nothing

You want to believe that, but it doesn't make it true.

He really doesn't deeply love you. You really are just kidding yourself there. No amount of positive affirmation or therapy speak will make something true when it really isn't. Everyone on this thread can seen it but you.

In your OP you asked how you can maintain long periods of peace. In short, I don't think you can.

The man's an addict (from what you've said) and if it's not one thing it'll be another. He'll be continuously looking for something to get a high from. If he's not actually an addict then he's a shit who gives no consideration to anyone else in his life - that'd be you.

He's already broken one of your golden rules ie contacting random women, with no obvious consequence, so won't be completely motivated to keep the rest.

Counselling might help, highly unlikely from what you've said. I'm not sure there's any real answer to your dilemma. Life isn't simple with addicts at the best of times.

Edited to add: Cut your losses and leave.

That’s the thing, out of 365 days we’re very happy and nothing major happens like 362.

actually before the last incident there were 3 years of no incidents (I keep thinking of the simpsons and the counter of days without a meltdown).

and yes he DID break the rule and the whole exchange was innocent, but he DID break the rule. Which is why we now have the social media ban

Why did you post this thread @Stayinganontoday ?

Honestly? Because I think it would be useful for you to be honest with yourself as to what you are looking for.

Are you looking for people who will say 'yeah it's all okay and well done you for working through it?' some might but most won't because it's not a healthy relationship.

It seems like you just want someone else to help you gaslight yourself.

Sadly, underneath it just reads like you're waiting for the next landmine to go off. Social media bans and rules to control behaviour make you sound more like you're his parent than an equal partner.

You don't sound happy and trying to police his behaviour is really no way to live. It's not what a normal healthy relationship looks like.

I don’t want to police his behaviour but he does need guardrails.

one of my therapists once told me that willpower is not that easy and if they work, we should welcome them.

OP, I was like you once. I thought things others needed or wanted in relationships didn’t apply to me and I was super strong. I thought I’d be the one person not to let him down and leave him. Truth is you’re human. You deserve, and need love. He doesn’t love or respect you and whilst you’re able to articulate things and understand then, his behaviour is damaging you. LTB

You don't have a good relationship. You're accepting shitty behaviour.

I mean you’re clearly not really interested in other opinions, and you’re obviously going to stay with this absolute cunt.

But if it were me? Fuck that for a game of soldiers. I have more (some?) self-respect.

Answering both of your responses.

He is an unexploded bomb because you know that is only a matter of time he does the next thing to shatter your peace. You know deep down that he will let you down again.

You were quite angry that I suggested therapy maybe you feel the work is done but looking at the responses on this thread it is clear many of us think you need additional support. I am pleased to hear that you will get some EMDR.

It is quite possible to love someone and yet struggle with the impact their behaviour has on you. Only you know what will give you the peace you crave. However, as you already know you cannot control his behaviour so you cannot build your peace of mind around him behaving consistently in the way you need.

Your therapist earns money from you.

That sounds like absolute waffle to me. You cannot be happy living like this?

I know I’m happy for two very particular things of how my brain works.

one I cry out o happiness and fulfilment, (which obviously can’t be faked)

the other one is that I have hyperphantasia…. Now when I’m stressed or sad it’s actually quite horrible imagery (like walls becoming flesh and bleeding) but when I’m happy it’s all green pastures and and blue skies (and I can smell the flowers!) —- I feel the latter regularly with my husband. I’ve never ever experienced the horrific imagery since I’ve been with him, so I know im
not being delusional and my feelings are real

You most definitely DO need therapy but the right sort. Maybe the sort specific to DA survivors as you seem to have that beaten down mentality, and as with most DA survivors their beaten down mentality changes when they leave the toxic relationship.

Ever thought HE is the main cause of it all? Your relationship will only improve if he grows up and accepts responsibility to be a decent adult, but he won't so you will continue to limp on, going from therapist to therapist, getting even more beaten down until either he walks or one of you dies. Find a way to leave OP so you can finally find some form of peace.

I dont think youre deluded or in denial etc.

I think you have unhealthy expectations on how people should behave towards you.

It'd be interesting to know what your other relationships with people ( ie friends/family) are like

How long were things good for @Stayinganontoday ?

This is silly. Do what you want to do. It’s your choice. Your life. Why ask? Make your own decision.

3 years, almost 4.

and I only found by chance because I randomly messaged this lady (although she was our neighbour) but we had shared interests.

I’ve gone NC with my father and with my sister.

i have a fairly good relationship with my mother.

i have no local friends (well i have one but she has bigger issues than me).

So you endured approximately 4 years of hellish time with him before he sorted himself out?

No wonder you have a high tolerance and why you're keen not to walk away yet. What is it your hoping to get from this thread? I'm not sure I understand why you've created it.

I just want long periods of “peace”. We’ve had them, so I know it’s possible, I guess the question is how to maintain them for longer periods of time.

That is not within your control. It is up to him how frequently his behaviour wrecks your peace - all you can do is watch and wait.

You asked "AIBU to want to stay?" Most sane women would say YABU, but it is your choice.

It sounds like you're "waiting" for the next thing to happen though. Three years is a long time to be on tenterhooks. Long enough for you to start to relax before the next implosion.... Can you continue to live like that?

I assume that there are no children involved?

If nobody else is impacted, then I guess it's your prerogative to choose to put up with anything that you like.