Am I wrong to stay out of a falling out between two friends?

[Lilifer]

I am looking for some perspective or advice on a difficult situation with two long term friends.
Two of my closest friends have fallen out. I’ve known both of them for years. One of them, I’ll call her Emma has been slowly and quietly freezing the other one out for over a year. My other friend, I’ll call her Anna had no idea why and has been really hurt and upset by it. To make things worse, Anna has been going through a really serious health challenge during this time and has had very little support. She’s a single mother, not originally from our city, has no family nearby. I felt awful watching Emma treat her this way and honestly I do think it’s been quite unkind.
But if I’m honest, Emma also intimidates me a little. I’ve seen how she operates when she decides she doesn’t like someone or doesn’t approve of them. She can be wonderful when she’s on your side but when she turns on someone she can be quite aggressive and cutting about it. I’ve watched her do it to others and I really don’t want to end up on the receiving end of that myself.
Then Emma removed Anna from our WhatsApp mum friends group publicly, the notification showed everyone that she’d been removed, which was humiliating for Anna and she was devastated and told me so. Up till then she’d never once asked me to take sides or get involved during the eighteen months of Emma gradually freezing her out. But after this she finally asked me directly to have her back, not to fall out with Emma or cause any scenes, just to quietly be less available to her. Less coffee, less socialising, that kind of thing. She said it was what she would do for me without hesitation.
I told her I always have her back and suggested we meet for a walk to talk. But if I’m being honest, I kept avoiding making the time for it because I didn’t want to have the conversation. Because if we talked properly, I might end up feeling like I had to actually do something. And I wasn’t sure I was prepared to do that.
Then I went away on holiday. While I was away I heard about some other upsetting things that had happened to Anna but I couldn’t really face dealing with it so I sent her some holiday videos and asked how her weekend had gone.
When she told me about another hurtful incident involving Emma I didn’t really respond to that at all apart from to send her funny insta cat video. I just couldn’t face it.
Since I got back Anna has gone a bit quiet. She’s not responding when I send her funny videos or light messages. I feel like things are really awkward between us and I don’t know what to do.
I know Anna is isolated, struggling, and has been incredibly patient. I know she’s only ever asked me for one thing. I know I promised a conversation and didn’t follow through. And if I’m honest, I know exactly why things have gone quiet, because she finally saw through my excuses.
Am I wrong? Am I being a coward? And what would you do in my position?

If OP and Emma were men, Emma would be the mad loud fun one bantering about Rohypnoling someone and OP would be the rape apologist laughing along uneasily.

I should not have posted about this. It’s too nuanced and Emma is looking like a bitch when she has really good parts to her too, kindness and generosity, support, she is not this one dimensional bitch. Anna is wonderful too, but very uncompromising and political and some people find her a bit hard work. She’s great company and really loyal but a bit too fond of talking about controversial topics. I love them both and I just finding it hard to realise that I’m going to have to lose one or the other

You asked if you were being a coward. Yes you are. You say you don't like confrontation, and are an appeaser, and you have basically deserted your friend in order to stay on side with a bully. Maybe you feared Emma would turn on you next.
it would not have hurt you to meet Anna as she asked, and hear how she is hurting because of this.
😢

Oh god, why are so many women so beholden to their friends? Why don’t they realise that if someone is unpleasant and annoying, the fact that you’ve known them for a long time doesn’t mean you should be more accepting of it!

And I haven’t even read the post, just the first couple of sentences. But I’m sure it falls down to the fact that I’ve known these people a long time, they really irritate me and I dislike being around them, but I’ve known them such a long time and I feel loyalty and I feel it is unreasonable to not want to spend my time with them.

Jesus C!!!!

I was Anna last year and people like the OP are the reason I asked no one to have my back, I just took myself off the group chat. Group dynamics are tricky, there is always one Queen Bee who everyone is afraid to stand up to, apart from Anna’s. I’m proud to say I was an Anna too.

What you've literally just said there is 'I KNOW MY FRIEND IS A BULLY BUT I'LL HAPPILY STAND BY AND WATCH HER BULLY OTHERS SO LONG AS SHE DOESN'T BULLY ME'.

Embarrassing.

Your longer posts have a strong whiff of AI. Are you using it to improve your writing?

Okay, I wasn't doing too much suggesting you need therapy. Sorry OP, but you sound spineless, and a bit vapid. You can't tell me this doesn't also impact your parenting and other relationships. What happens when you need to stand up for your children?

You’re staying chummy with the bully queen bee because YOU don’t want to be bullied and want to keep your safe place in the social hierarchy as her minion. Now that is some high-school shit.

But why can’t you see them separately? Tell them you don’t want to get involved. Don’t criticize either to the other? Though tbh throwing Anna out of the WhatsApp group seems mean and I’d have to ask Emma why she did it.

If you were being bullied and frozen out of a group for no particular reason and someone flippantly sent funny cat videos when you desperately needed support and kindness how would you feel? sounds like Anna has raised her bar and moved on from mean girls

This. ^

Also lame that your husband "hero worships" her husband. Is he equally spineless?

You should have said all that from the off.

Still doesn't excuse the meangirl behaviour, though.

This can't be true.

There's no way someone and their DH are so in thrall to another couple that they go along with bullying just so the friends carry on being nice to them. Pathetic.

Yeah some groups aren’t worth being part of tbh

Backtrack much? What about Emma's husband's disgusting comments? Was Anna justified in the stance she took or not? Do you just want the whole pesky messiness to disappear so that you can return to your dinner parties unhindered by the thought of addressing mean and inappropriate behaviour as a thoughtful individual?

If you don't care you don't care but why bother giving us a story and then telling us its much more nuanced and we don't really get it?

Yes. Every bully has a cowardly sidekick, and that's the OP (and sounds like her DH is the cowardly sidekick to Emma's vile husband).

How old are you all? You’re now defending Emma but tbh the Boris Johnson part told us everything we need to know, she’s even wrong about him being more intelligent than you….i don’t know you and i know that’s wrong! Tbh Anna is being treated awfully, it’s not school, staying on the good side of the popular girl really doesn’t matter

I honestly don’t know what you hoped this thread would achieve…

I think you know you’ve mistreated or been unfair to Anna but you also admit that you will prioritise Emma as you are a coward who wants to remain in with the other women and avoid conflict, and your DH enjoys the company of Emma’s misogynistic partner too.

I just hope Anna moves onto a better tribe, which tbh shouldn’t be too difficult.

I think you aren’t even being honest with yourself. You need to own your decisions and your actions- you seem to believe you have a good justification for how you have acted and think you haven’t done anything wrong. So- if that true- own it and stop the “poor me, it’s so hard for me” pity party. You chose what you did, if it was the right and fair thing to do- why the hand wringing?

I think the truth is you know Emma is unreasonable- and a bully, of whom you are scared- and that she has been deeply unkind to Anna at a time where she has a lot of personal challenges. I have no idea why you would want to be friends with someone who intimidates you to the point you are willing to go along with awful behaviour towards a close mutual friend, for fear of her turning her ire on you. I don’t care how fun she is when she’s nice- I’d just be waiting for the day you do something to annoy her or when she’s ready for her next victim.

You know there is a strong possibility that she does these “culls” deliberately (albeit perhaps subconsciously) every so often, just to keep you all under control. Because if you fear being the next one cut out or on the receiving end of the bullying, she has you all exactly where she wants you. You won’t disagree with her, will let her do as she pleases and won’t ever call her out on things for fear you will be the next one cut out. And also get the plus side of being able to bask in the reflected glow of being in her group.

As for “not wanting to be involved”- I think it is far too late for that sentiment, because Emma involved you in this by the way she has acted- you’re blind if you can’t see that. Look, if Emma was upset by Anna and wanted to end their friendship, she absolutely could have done so in a decent manner. Instead she chose cruelty and humiliation. And recruited the rest of the friendship group into that process, to which you all acquiesced because you are either scared of her (as you seem to be) or perhaps some of your friends enjoy the power trip and the drama.

When you stood by and said nothing when she was being frozen out, when you looked the other way when she was very publicly booted out of the WhatsApp group and so on- you took a side. You got involved by standing by Emma- why did Emma decide for the entire friendship group that Anna was no longer part of your group? You can’t now start bleating about “not wanting to be stuck in the middle”- you are there because Emma put you there and you declined to move out of that position. you can’t remain neutral when one friend is being horrible to another friend.

It sounds like you have been a good friend to Anna in the past. But as things stand right now, you have not been a good friend at all. Anna is distancing herself because you have hurt her by letting Emma treat her pretty appallingly, freeze her out of the friendship group (which you’ve all gone along with) and then avoided her because you are uncomfortable (I think because you know you are in the wrong and don’t want to have to face it). To top it off, she asked for your help but you trivialised by ignoring it and the pretending that sending funny videos was enough. It wasn’t close to good enough.

Divide and conquer

sounds like Emma has to have it her way and if not she will actively divide the friendship in order to conquer. People are to afraid of her backlash so she gets away with it. I would stand firm with Anna. Emma will most likely throw her toys out and cause drama but it needs nipping in the bud sooner rather than later.

You aren't necessarily wrong for keeping out of the dispute but you were very wrong to say you would fo something and then a) not do it and b) then not explain why and avoid the subject.

But you’ve already made your choice by implicitly siding with Emma by not calling her out, and freezing out poor Anna by not actually talking to her - even though this was your suggestion - and sending her stupid videos in place of support.

You say you love them both but have only shown your ‘love’ for Emma.

You’re a pathetic coward. Anna is brave and has principles. She stands up for her sister and against misogynistic bullies. She’s a friend worth having. You, on the other hand… I’m deeply unimpressed. I’d add Anna back to the WhatsApp and post let’s not have bullying and let’s all call out when men are disgusting misogynists, even husbands, meet Anna and offer heartfelt apologies. She’s worth 10 Emma’s and from what I’ve read 10 of you too.