Am I wrong to stay out of a falling out between two friends?

[Lilifer]

I am looking for some perspective or advice on a difficult situation with two long term friends.
Two of my closest friends have fallen out. I’ve known both of them for years. One of them, I’ll call her Emma has been slowly and quietly freezing the other one out for over a year. My other friend, I’ll call her Anna had no idea why and has been really hurt and upset by it. To make things worse, Anna has been going through a really serious health challenge during this time and has had very little support. She’s a single mother, not originally from our city, has no family nearby. I felt awful watching Emma treat her this way and honestly I do think it’s been quite unkind.
But if I’m honest, Emma also intimidates me a little. I’ve seen how she operates when she decides she doesn’t like someone or doesn’t approve of them. She can be wonderful when she’s on your side but when she turns on someone she can be quite aggressive and cutting about it. I’ve watched her do it to others and I really don’t want to end up on the receiving end of that myself.
Then Emma removed Anna from our WhatsApp mum friends group publicly, the notification showed everyone that she’d been removed, which was humiliating for Anna and she was devastated and told me so. Up till then she’d never once asked me to take sides or get involved during the eighteen months of Emma gradually freezing her out. But after this she finally asked me directly to have her back, not to fall out with Emma or cause any scenes, just to quietly be less available to her. Less coffee, less socialising, that kind of thing. She said it was what she would do for me without hesitation.
I told her I always have her back and suggested we meet for a walk to talk. But if I’m being honest, I kept avoiding making the time for it because I didn’t want to have the conversation. Because if we talked properly, I might end up feeling like I had to actually do something. And I wasn’t sure I was prepared to do that.
Then I went away on holiday. While I was away I heard about some other upsetting things that had happened to Anna but I couldn’t really face dealing with it so I sent her some holiday videos and asked how her weekend had gone.
When she told me about another hurtful incident involving Emma I didn’t really respond to that at all apart from to send her funny insta cat video. I just couldn’t face it.
Since I got back Anna has gone a bit quiet. She’s not responding when I send her funny videos or light messages. I feel like things are really awkward between us and I don’t know what to do.
I know Anna is isolated, struggling, and has been incredibly patient. I know she’s only ever asked me for one thing. I know I promised a conversation and didn’t follow through. And if I’m honest, I know exactly why things have gone quiet, because she finally saw through my excuses.
Am I wrong? Am I being a coward? And what would you do in my position?

How can you get to be a grown adult with no clue at all what bullying is? Emma’s a textbook bully. Being nice to you (until she’s not) is also textbook bullying, it’s part of how they get away with it.

If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse, and you say that you are neutral, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality.
-Desmond Tutu

Emma’s DH is always a nasty misogynist. He covers it up because he’s the corporate big bollocks, but reveals his true nature when he’s had a few drinks.
Emma is absolutely a bully, not to you OP, because for now you’re on her good side.
Enjoy entertaining them at your fabulous dinner parties they enjoy so much. The company you keep is absolutely the company you deserve

Emma's DH is "great company and charming when he’s sober" and Emma is "not a bully, more of a ghoster and an excluder."

They sound like wonderful dinner party guests.😂

Bit of a halfarsed attempt tbh. I suggest you put yourself out & apologise.

I’d have completely disagreed about Boris Johnson too I’d imagine, but would have relished the debate. I’d have also said something directly to Emma’s husband about his misogynistic behaviour, because I’ve got no time for men like this and am not impressed by their ‘big jobs’ like you seem to be. If my DH kept that kind of company, I wouldn’t be pleased either.
I feel sorry for Anna. Emma sounds quite unpleasant and you’re tacitly approving of this behaviour.
I’m sorry OP, you come across as quite dull, lacking in opinions, unable to stand up for yourself or other people, or able to engage in discussion and debate. I’m not surprised Anna seems to be pulling away. In hope she finds a more interesting friend group that’s not lorded over by a bitchy Queen Bee type (Emma) and her wet, fawning minions (you and everyone else who sat by and passively ignored this behaviour).

You sound completely lacking in character.

I hope Anna finds some better quality people to spend time with.

Again you have taken sides. You don't want to fall out with Emma because it's "easier" so you are prepared to throw Anna under a bus. You cannot play the victim here - Anna is correct to distance herself from you. You say you don't like conflict but you are creating one by failing to stand up for Anna. Just own it ,- you prefer to stay in Emma's good graces rather than Anna's and that is the side you have chosen. Just be honest about it

I used to work with an Emma

She would make herself queen bee at school and all the other wannabes would flock around her,until one was frozen out and the rest would follow-and then the frozen out one would have nothing while the wannabes would bully her on bullies orders (it was so bad,many had to leave the school)

This Emma left school and started working at my work

Myself and another colleague had seen it all before-emma tried to gather round a 'wall' of wannabes and some did-they wanted the glory of hanging out with the queen,while freezing out the 'don't wants'

We banded together and made it clear we where not kissing her arse or putting up with bullying (ive never bullied anyone in my life,we just made it clear everyone is to be treated wth dignity and respect) and Emma did the 'don't wanna be mates with you' to a few of the wannabes while trying to get the reminders to stick closer

The 'dont wants' stood by myself and my colleague and started to make it clear there was no space for bullying at work

As soon as bully started to lose her hangers-on and people started to lose interest in her,she ran to the managers,squealing that we where bullying her!

They did an investigation on us all and we all made it clear who the bully was

As soon as bully realised she wasn't going to sit and have a nice hot chocolate with the manager like she'd done with the head at school,she flounced (her father came in to scream at us so the apple didn't fall far from that tree)

She's not held down a job for longer than a month as her reputation has followed her and people stand up to her

Bullies need hangers-on,it's how they operate

I've been Anna many times and one day Emma will run out of fresh blood-and her dc will copy their mums behaviour to your dc

I hope Anna is well away by then

But you can’t just label her a bully when she has shown great kindness to me and others over the years.

Of course bullies are kind to their friends. They have to be, as they have no power to bully unless they have allies, and can form groups from which they will openly exclude their victims.

Did you even ask Emma why she removed Anna from the group?

You say that you don't want to take sides, but in condoning bullying and exclusion, you've taken a side, and it's Emma's.

You need to own that. And if you're scared to even ask a simple question of Emma, she is not a friend.

This must be a wind up. I cant believe anyone could be so spineless, delusional and wet. And tie themselves in so many knots trying to defend and explain away the indefensible and keep lying to themselves so energetically to avoid facing what they and their cliquey of bitchy friends really are. Surely no one could have so little insight into themselves and into others.

This.

OP, you’ve lost your moral compass.
Nasty.

Two people were both hurting

How and why was Emma "hurting"? As far as I can see, Anna has done absolutely nothing to her - it's all been the other way.

At the very least, can’t you ask Emma what she’s got against Anna and whether she realises how upset Anna is? If you can’t, why not?

I am meeting up with Emma later this morning and I am going to ask her what’s going on and why has she removed Anna from our group - I am nervous about it but I need to hear her side of it

You sent a funny video after she opened up.
I really feel for Anna. She needs to find new friends.

Don’t be silly. You think bullies are never kind to their cronies? How do you think bullies build up their spineless, sycophantic band of supporters?

Ghosting and deliberately excluding absolutely are bullying.

@Boringmelwell maybe they aren’t the classic bullies type people then becasue I most know they won’t do that with me mainly because I am the type of person who goes along to get along, and Emma’s husband is really fond of me and my DH, we have too much history together. I suspect part of this ghosting/pulling away on Emma’s part is that Anna’s exDH is a good friend of Emmas dh, they’ve been golfing partners and friends for 20 years now too, and the exDH has a partner for the last few years that Emma has taken under her wing so she probably feels that she cannot be friends with both women at the same time?

If this isn’t a reverse, you are a coward. There’s no such thing as an innocent bystander. Find your moral courage. If it helps, remember this: Emma has no power over you. You don’t need an unreliable friend who will one day turn on you.

So, people are only bullies if they do things to you? You sound like a worse and worse human with every post.

Good.

Emma’s behaviour is a problem, even if her husband is friends with Anna’s ex.

Nevertheless, if Anna and her ex are capable of it, they should follow this example: I have a friend whose ex is a feckless unreliable father. But my friend is incredible. She’s only ever said nice things about him to her kids. She maintains a friendly relationship with him and she’s made it clear that mutual friends don’t have to choose which spouse to maintain contact with. Her ex knows the deal: it’s best for the children if neither ever criticise the other parent. Even though he is unreliable, he’s never broken that rule. It makes things so much easier.

OP, at least have the self awareness to admit that you have taken sides. You’ve picked Emma and her DH.

Anna hasn’t done anything wrong to you, yet your friendship with her is worth sacrificing.

that’s the truth, whatever way you look at it and however you try to justify it to yourself.

Whether or not they will ever bully you has nothing to do with it. Don’t you have any integrity?

If Emma doesn’t want to be close friends with Anna, for whatever reason, that’s entirely up to her, but that’s not a reason to deliberately be hurtful to her or exclude her from the group. It’s certainly no reason for anyone else to behave badly to her.

You remind me of Trump's circle of sycophants, all hoping they won’t be the next one he turns on.