Am I wrong to stay out of a falling out between two friends?

[Lilifer]

I am looking for some perspective or advice on a difficult situation with two long term friends.
Two of my closest friends have fallen out. I’ve known both of them for years. One of them, I’ll call her Emma has been slowly and quietly freezing the other one out for over a year. My other friend, I’ll call her Anna had no idea why and has been really hurt and upset by it. To make things worse, Anna has been going through a really serious health challenge during this time and has had very little support. She’s a single mother, not originally from our city, has no family nearby. I felt awful watching Emma treat her this way and honestly I do think it’s been quite unkind.
But if I’m honest, Emma also intimidates me a little. I’ve seen how she operates when she decides she doesn’t like someone or doesn’t approve of them. She can be wonderful when she’s on your side but when she turns on someone she can be quite aggressive and cutting about it. I’ve watched her do it to others and I really don’t want to end up on the receiving end of that myself.
Then Emma removed Anna from our WhatsApp mum friends group publicly, the notification showed everyone that she’d been removed, which was humiliating for Anna and she was devastated and told me so. Up till then she’d never once asked me to take sides or get involved during the eighteen months of Emma gradually freezing her out. But after this she finally asked me directly to have her back, not to fall out with Emma or cause any scenes, just to quietly be less available to her. Less coffee, less socialising, that kind of thing. She said it was what she would do for me without hesitation.
I told her I always have her back and suggested we meet for a walk to talk. But if I’m being honest, I kept avoiding making the time for it because I didn’t want to have the conversation. Because if we talked properly, I might end up feeling like I had to actually do something. And I wasn’t sure I was prepared to do that.
Then I went away on holiday. While I was away I heard about some other upsetting things that had happened to Anna but I couldn’t really face dealing with it so I sent her some holiday videos and asked how her weekend had gone.
When she told me about another hurtful incident involving Emma I didn’t really respond to that at all apart from to send her funny insta cat video. I just couldn’t face it.
Since I got back Anna has gone a bit quiet. She’s not responding when I send her funny videos or light messages. I feel like things are really awkward between us and I don’t know what to do.
I know Anna is isolated, struggling, and has been incredibly patient. I know she’s only ever asked me for one thing. I know I promised a conversation and didn’t follow through. And if I’m honest, I know exactly why things have gone quiet, because she finally saw through my excuses.
Am I wrong? Am I being a coward? And what would you do in my position?

I think a lot of us know a couple like that. Husband is larger than life, successful, but very blokey. In our primary group there is a group of them who still act like school boys and despite being mainly successful in their jobs, are utter dickheads. Are offensive but dismiss it as banter. In the year that DD was in the daughter of one of these was the mean girl. The mother, was very judgemental to other children and blamed any fallouts on them not her daughters and divided the girl friendship group and was nasty to the point that the girls were bullied about clothes, how they played etc. for being different.

When they moved to secondary it all blew up in her face. There was a massive fallout with her daughter's friends who saw who she really was. My daughter was going through some huge difficulties at school so I took a step back and this woman would contact me to pry and be "caring". It destroyed other friendships.

In the end the other mums talked and repaired our friendships and people don't really speak to her much. My husband thinks very little of those blokes, as fun as they were, they are just ridiculous in their 50s.

I think it's more important to surround yourself with positive people and distance yourself from the toxic people. This is not about an argument about Boris, Anna is allowed to have opinions! It's about Emma needing control. And perhaps things are not good behind closed doors.

Emmas of this world will keep behaving like that. It's coercive control.

Do you have children @Lilifer ?
I would start thinking about what being a good human entails, for their benefit. Please try and raise good people. If they end up people pleasing fence sitters, especially for the benefit of awful people who they don't even like, then that is a fail. They will spend their lives, fretting, like you are about how to keep arseholes happy.

If you don't have children, let people like Emma and her DH go. It will be very liberating, I promise.

‘Blah blah blah I want an easy life blah blah’

Yes I think you should have asked Emma why she’d removed her without asking the rest of the group. That was out of her remit. And she’s bullying your friend - it’s not taking sides to stand up to bullying. Why even be mates with someone you’re scared of?

You’re a coward.

Yes I think you should have asked Emma why she’d removed her without asking the rest of the group. That was out of her remit. And she’s bullying your friend - it’s not taking sides to stand up to bullying. Why even be mates with someone you’re scared of?

You’re a coward.

That about sums it up tbf

You say you hate conflict but by accepting her revolting behaviour you are backing and encouraging her. You are not a friend to Anna, a friend would never ignore this. As others have said already, it’ll be your turn soon.

I hate to break it to you but you aren't neutral. You have taken Emma's side by refusing to call her out on her behaviour to Anna. By refusing to do so, you are condoning Emma's behaviour and supporting Anna's alienation from the group. You are no friend of Anna

You can’t be supportive without taking a side in a situation like this. Emma is behaving appallingly towards Anna and you’re effectively standing by, wringing your hands and making it all about you and your fear of confrontation. Frankly if you were my friend, you’d have lost me at the funny cat videos. In what world do you think that’s an appropriate response to a friend in distress ?

Emma is a bully. Her husband is clearly cut from the same cloth. Yet you and your DH are in thrall to them, to the point where you’re scared to support a friend who’s a victim of their bullying - presumably because you fear you’ll be next. Grow a spine and stand up for your friend. Eventually you’re going to be on the hook with Emma for something or other because she’s that type of person, so it might as well be for something worthwhile.

Absolutely this.

You aren’t sitting on the fence - you have chosen a side.

What you are struggling with is how to make yourself feel ok, for choosing the easier path, siding with the bully. From you opening post you said you have been avoiding Anna as you don’t want that conversation. Because then you know deep down that what Anna will tell you won’t allow you to continue your self denial.

When you next have a fabulous dinner party - who are you going to invite? You will lie to yourself and invite Emma the first time and claim you will alternate - but you never will. You will lose a friend but keep your precious social standing.

You’ve already been in conflict with Anna all this time. She then directly raised it with you and you sent her a cat video 😆

This!!

You're not coming out of this well OP. You sound like a terrible friend honestly.

I think if I were you, I'd be thinking long and hard about the kind of person being around Emma and her antics is making me appear, and turning me into. You are very aware of her intolerance for people with differing opinions and views, and just how cruel and rude both she and her husband can be to those they perceive as easy targets. You are taking a side when you do or say nothing, you are effectively condoning their behaviour and making yourself complicit.

Anna has learned what she can expect from you, in terms of friendship. If her reaction to that is making you feel bad, that is on you. Your choices, your actions, your consequences.

When you say you don't like conflict - is you don't like risking rocking the boat and becoming a target yourself, a tad more accurate? Which is understandable. Just not particularly laudable, and it's understandable if it's quite uncomfortable to sit with that.

No, it's not primary school. By this stage, one would hope a person would be more able to stand up to the peer pressure of the schoolyard bully, and stand with and for the latest victim of her bullying.

You are not being a good friend. If someone's being an arse you tell them. A true friend can accept criticism. If she can't then cut her out. I would not want to be friends with a bully. You are complicit by saying nothing and watching your friend be hurt. Your a grown woman stop being a coward.

OP you know you are being a crap friend and you are failing at your own moral boundary, because you, too, are scared of Emma.

You are going to have to choose which one you want to be friends with and make peace with that decision (even though you already have and it's the wrong person)
Oh, and Emma would absolutley do this to you! The Emmas of this world are bullies.. your turn will come

..and when Anna asked for help you sent her a cat video!!!!!

Whatever happened to 'a friend in need is a friend indeed...' ? I think the world's becoming a poorer place by the day when I read stuff like the original post.

You clearly have chosen sides already - you have changed your behavior and withdrawn from the person being bullied.

As a single mum I expeirnced this a lot. Suddenly people no longer invited me to things once I was divorced. I don't know if they thought it was contagious or my face just didn't fit any more. But it was a horrible time.

If your circumstances change she will do the same to you too.

In answer to your AIBU. Yes you are BU. How you stand there and watch this bullying behaviour and throw your amazing candlelit suppers 🙄for Princess Emma and Knobhead Husband is a perfect example of you being scared that she'll turn on you. And she will. Eventually.

Let's hope you have a nicer friend (than you are to Anna) who will help you deal with it all.

It sounds like Anna has seen sense and her going quiet probably means she’s removed herself from you. You sound like an awful group of women. I’d run a mile.
Remember though, one day it’ll be you on the receiving end of this adult mean girls behaviour. What goes around comes around.

OP you say "I have tried to stay friends with both, now I see that isn't really possible, I need to choose basically"

I think you want to choose Emma because she comes with more social capital, so to speak and because you are afraid of the fallout of not doing so.

But you also know in your heart that doing this would really be letting Anna down

and definitely agree with this comment about the reason you feel out of sorts about it is because you know you've already chosen a side and it doesn't fit with who you are.