Am I wrong to stay out of a falling out between two friends?

[Lilifer]

I am looking for some perspective or advice on a difficult situation with two long term friends.
Two of my closest friends have fallen out. I’ve known both of them for years. One of them, I’ll call her Emma has been slowly and quietly freezing the other one out for over a year. My other friend, I’ll call her Anna had no idea why and has been really hurt and upset by it. To make things worse, Anna has been going through a really serious health challenge during this time and has had very little support. She’s a single mother, not originally from our city, has no family nearby. I felt awful watching Emma treat her this way and honestly I do think it’s been quite unkind.
But if I’m honest, Emma also intimidates me a little. I’ve seen how she operates when she decides she doesn’t like someone or doesn’t approve of them. She can be wonderful when she’s on your side but when she turns on someone she can be quite aggressive and cutting about it. I’ve watched her do it to others and I really don’t want to end up on the receiving end of that myself.
Then Emma removed Anna from our WhatsApp mum friends group publicly, the notification showed everyone that she’d been removed, which was humiliating for Anna and she was devastated and told me so. Up till then she’d never once asked me to take sides or get involved during the eighteen months of Emma gradually freezing her out. But after this she finally asked me directly to have her back, not to fall out with Emma or cause any scenes, just to quietly be less available to her. Less coffee, less socialising, that kind of thing. She said it was what she would do for me without hesitation.
I told her I always have her back and suggested we meet for a walk to talk. But if I’m being honest, I kept avoiding making the time for it because I didn’t want to have the conversation. Because if we talked properly, I might end up feeling like I had to actually do something. And I wasn’t sure I was prepared to do that.
Then I went away on holiday. While I was away I heard about some other upsetting things that had happened to Anna but I couldn’t really face dealing with it so I sent her some holiday videos and asked how her weekend had gone.
When she told me about another hurtful incident involving Emma I didn’t really respond to that at all apart from to send her funny insta cat video. I just couldn’t face it.
Since I got back Anna has gone a bit quiet. She’s not responding when I send her funny videos or light messages. I feel like things are really awkward between us and I don’t know what to do.
I know Anna is isolated, struggling, and has been incredibly patient. I know she’s only ever asked me for one thing. I know I promised a conversation and didn’t follow through. And if I’m honest, I know exactly why things have gone quiet, because she finally saw through my excuses.
Am I wrong? Am I being a coward? And what would you do in my position?

And so what about your DH and his bromance with Emma's husband? That man is revolting by your own description of his behaviour. I'd be disappointed in my DH in your shoes.

Even if you were not to step back from your friendship with Emma, you were v unreasonable to respond to Anna telling you about an incident with a cat video! You avoiding talking about any of it makes it seem like you don’t care.

You know, in the war, people hid Jewish people in their homes, knowing they’d be executed if caught. You won’t even stand up for a friend against a bully. Bloody hell woman. Grow up and have some principles!

Of course you’re a coward. And a shit friend.
You and Emma deserve each other.

I’ve tried to be supportive without actually taking a side. This isn’t primary school, I shouldn’t have to take a side. And it’s not easy.

You've already taken a side: you've clearly taken Emma's side. By not saying "Why has Anna been kicked out of the group? Was this a mistake? Shall we make a new one?" and letting it go rather than challenging it, or not leaving the group at that moment you already took Emma's side.

By refusing to engage with Anna or hear her side of the story you also took Emma's side. And in what way at all were you supportive? You didn't offer Anna any support at all.

Emma is a bully, engaging in school child bullying techniques. Bullies need weak, scared satellites who enable them otherwise they wouldn't have any power and that is the role you are playing.

Frankly you are just as unkind as Emma by doing nothing. Anna is better off without the lot of you. I look forward to your post in the future 'I made sacrifices for my friend Emma and now she and her knob of a husband are freezing me out of the friendship group'. Because believe me, once a bully always a bully and she will be looking for her next victim.

I really hope Anna thrives, with friends like you lot who needs enemies.

You sound like massive doormats OP, you and your husband, hero worshipping and licking boots of your bully friends with their high flying careers. Its pathetic.

I'm not surprised Anna has gone quiet. Christ why the fuck didn't you even ask what Emma is playing at. Anna sounds like someone who is at least genuine, you sound fucking frightened to death of Emma. But I guess you've chosen to be a serville lick spital hoping to avoid Emma's bad books, than to actually be a friend to the one who is actually a genuine person.

This really a test of the sort of person you are OP.

Why do you need to be in this group at all? And why does your husband get to dictate what friendships you have?

I think Anna is better off making friends elsewhere - she sounds great to me and has her own mind. It's up to you but I would be edging away from Emma and her unpleasant husband here and from experience, once you edge away you wonder why you ever bought into their nonsense. You're only really "friends" as long as you agree with them which doesn't sound much like friendship to me. You can make better friends than that pair and Anna definitely can do better.

In what way are you being supportive. I can't see any supporting going on. You're keeping a low profile because you want to stay friends with Emma.

Since you're already doing it I'd step back from Emma and keep it that way. Anna's already done it for you as far as she's concerned.

Why would your DH hero worship such an Arsehole?

I couldnt stay on the fence when I see somebody clearly being awful to another friend. Removing her from the WhatsApp? High school shit and it’s nasty. Why do you want to be friends with somebody who intimidates you OP?

So the real OP is as disgustingly right-wing as the fake OP? That's a relief as that means that my posts telling OP that she is an absolutely horrible person are still relevant and justified, even though she has made up a new persona.

I do find OP's description of Boris Johnson just doing his best to be quite ironic in light of the publication of the Covid enquiry yesterday which confirms that the VIP lane was biased towards the politically connected, wasting billions in public money:

'Boris Johnson’s government wasted £10bn of public money because of the flawed way it went about buying personal protective equipment during the coronavirus pandemic, an official inquiry has concluded.

The Covid-19 inquiry chair, Heather Hallett, also criticised the then Conservative government’s controversial “VIP lane”, which gave high priority for PPE contracts to companies with political connections to the Tories.'

Every single post from you makes me madder; talking about supporting in the way that you can, having to choose.

No you are now part of it and the bullying of Anna. And your reasons are so pathetic. As I said earlier hopefully when she's feeling stronger she will dump you too.

But by not challenging Emma or properly supporting Anna you are implicitly "taking a side". And why is it Anna who "shouldn’t have got into the Boris argument" rather than Emma?

Your justifications for not taking the side of the person being bullied, or asking the person being so unpleasant what is going on, or at the very least giving the bullied person support and time, are so patently feeble that I can’t help wondering if this is all a wind-up. If it’s real I can't imagine how you can ever have thought you would get much sympathy here.

If it is real you are demonstrating a complete lack of integrity. Trying to justify that by saying that you don’t like confrontation is pathetic.

Nah that’s bull. It’s not hard to have that conversation at all. You’re choosing not to because you have already taken Emma’s side.

Anna has reached out to you as a friend and you have responded with cat videos. WTF. That is truly awful.

You are simply in thrall to a pair of ignorant, arrogant bullies, OP. You are not a child. You cannot just pretend this isn't happening. You are a grown up now.

You have chosen a side, by not keeping in touch with Anna you have chosen to side with the bully and that’s fine that’s your choice but don’t expect sympathy. You could have continued a friendship with Anna outside the group but instead you sent her funny cat memes when she’s reaching out to you in pain and confusion. Im sure at some point Emma will turn on you (that’s generally how bullies work) and now sadly you won’t have Anna’s support or friendship to help you through it.

Emma and her husband sound like shitty human beings who think nothing of turning on you when you don’t play ball with them. I guess your turn will come eventually- these people tend to cut people out when they no longer serve a purpose. Right now you’re tacitly approving their behaviour towards Anna because you want to continue to bask in Emma’s reflected glory. Have you told Emma you don’t like what she’s done to Anna? Or have you just stood by for 18 months while one friend has systematically bullied another?

You're an appalling friend. Fairweather and spineless. A good, vulnerable friend needs some support, and you're off like snow off a dyke. Have a word with yourself. If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything....

How have you been supportive @Lilifer? You’ve actively avoided having a conversation with your friend who is struggling.

You are a dreadful friend. Sucking up to Emma because she intimidates you and your husband likes her husband. It sounds like the two of you are in her thrall.

in really feel for your friend and she would be better off without the pair if you.

You are a total coward to be frank.