Am I wrong to stay out of a falling out between two friends?

[Lilifer]

I am looking for some perspective or advice on a difficult situation with two long term friends.
Two of my closest friends have fallen out. I’ve known both of them for years. One of them, I’ll call her Emma has been slowly and quietly freezing the other one out for over a year. My other friend, I’ll call her Anna had no idea why and has been really hurt and upset by it. To make things worse, Anna has been going through a really serious health challenge during this time and has had very little support. She’s a single mother, not originally from our city, has no family nearby. I felt awful watching Emma treat her this way and honestly I do think it’s been quite unkind.
But if I’m honest, Emma also intimidates me a little. I’ve seen how she operates when she decides she doesn’t like someone or doesn’t approve of them. She can be wonderful when she’s on your side but when she turns on someone she can be quite aggressive and cutting about it. I’ve watched her do it to others and I really don’t want to end up on the receiving end of that myself.
Then Emma removed Anna from our WhatsApp mum friends group publicly, the notification showed everyone that she’d been removed, which was humiliating for Anna and she was devastated and told me so. Up till then she’d never once asked me to take sides or get involved during the eighteen months of Emma gradually freezing her out. But after this she finally asked me directly to have her back, not to fall out with Emma or cause any scenes, just to quietly be less available to her. Less coffee, less socialising, that kind of thing. She said it was what she would do for me without hesitation.
I told her I always have her back and suggested we meet for a walk to talk. But if I’m being honest, I kept avoiding making the time for it because I didn’t want to have the conversation. Because if we talked properly, I might end up feeling like I had to actually do something. And I wasn’t sure I was prepared to do that.
Then I went away on holiday. While I was away I heard about some other upsetting things that had happened to Anna but I couldn’t really face dealing with it so I sent her some holiday videos and asked how her weekend had gone.
When she told me about another hurtful incident involving Emma I didn’t really respond to that at all apart from to send her funny insta cat video. I just couldn’t face it.
Since I got back Anna has gone a bit quiet. She’s not responding when I send her funny videos or light messages. I feel like things are really awkward between us and I don’t know what to do.
I know Anna is isolated, struggling, and has been incredibly patient. I know she’s only ever asked me for one thing. I know I promised a conversation and didn’t follow through. And if I’m honest, I know exactly why things have gone quiet, because she finally saw through my excuses.
Am I wrong? Am I being a coward? And what would you do in my position?

So glad this real, was getting very worried about Anna.😅

So does your husband not mind you wearing your ex-husband's engagement ring?

Emma is a vicious moron and your husband is a dick.

Anna is better off without them AND you

How can you say you "honestly haven't been able to find the time" when in your first post you admit "if I’m being honest, I kept avoiding making the time for it because I didn’t want to have the conversation"?

Given the choice, who would you rather have in your life, Emma the bully with the dickhead husband, or Anna?

You've chosen the right user name for yourself:

Lilifer = lily-livered

Your posts drip cowardice from every sentence. Posting a cat video to your friend when she asked for help is so callous.

Emma and Anna had a heated discussion about how Boris Johnson had handled Covid. Emma was insisting that Boris had done the best job he could, that he was far more intelligent than us and that we should trust his judgment and we shouldn’t question his integrity

Well, Emma's thick as mince, then, isn't she?

Stay out of it

But you don't have to lose them both if they are good friends.

Your relationship with at least one of them, and probably both is changed, there is no going back and you have no way to control that

You can however choose to behave with courage and integrity which means talking to both of them separately, listening to both sides, making a decision about what you think is right in this situation and how you can maintain a friendship with both of them ( if that is what you want) and being honest with both of them about that. If one or other of them takes serious exception to that and cuts you out as a result , surely that tells you what sort of person they are and more importantly what they actually think of you.

Alternatively, you can take the cowardly way out, wring your hands over things changing and anything being asked of you, run away and hide. Then come back to a changed situation anyway and mould yourself to fit around that. People often live their whole lives this way but I'm willing to bet they are the people who are more likely to look back on their lives with quite a bit of regret, when they get to the end of it

Things have changed, you cant do make things like they were before. This situation here is what people mean when they talk abou how our choices make us who we are.

Look we are all cowardly sometimea, we are human beings but rhe more often you make a cowardly choice the more cowardly you become. You don't need to argue with Emma, just ask her why she is behaving as she is towards Anna and be brave enough to tell her if you.plan to stay friends with Anna , even if it is away from.your time with Emma

You are not much of a friend to Anna.

Just seen @RunningJo 's post. What a waste of time posting that !

Emma is a bitch and by not supporting Anna you are colluding with her bitchiness. I feel sorry for Anna who thought Both of you were her friends and who is finding out quickly that you are not.

I can see you dont like confrontation and feel you may be scared that you could one day be Emma target. A bit like a playground bullying situation,you know Emma is cruel and bullying Anna but you stay silent because you are glad its not you she is bullying.
What is your moral compass telling you to do?
I couldnt stay silent when a vulnerable friend was treated so unkindly .
When Emma removed Anna from the whatsapp group did you ask Emma why she did that?
I dont think you have been supportive of Anna ,ignoring someones distress at being bullied isnt support.

Emma sounds like a bitch and I wouldn't want her in my life.

And if she thinks Boris Johnson is more intelligent than the rest of us then she has really poor judgement.

By not getting involved you showed that you clearly support Emma and are complicit in her bullying of Anna.
You are a wimp and will choose her as you are scared of her. Grown up op.
When she turns on you, and she will, you will deserve it and hope and other friends treat you the same way you have treated Anna

Both you and you husband are pathetic wannabes

Or one of Hyacinth Bucket's candlelight suppers.

Frankly, both Emma and her husband sound like nasty dickheads so good luck with that "I dont want to fall out with Emma" wish. If Emma can turn like that on Anna and bully her without a second thought then thats what you will be in for if one day you say something she doesnt agree with. You'd better be treading lightly on those eggshells OP because its coming for you!

As for your question- yes, you are wrong for passively watching someone target another person and ostracise and bully them (someone you supposedly care about, no less) and do nothing about it. It says everything about you. You are also incredibly naive if you think doing this is going to save you. It wont. One day you will look back and realise you lost Anna who was actually a good friend and ended up with the bully as a friend who is Emma who doesnt actually give a shit about you and you will regret it I'm afraid.

You could’ve stayed friends with both, but you’re so conflict avoidant you’ve been awful to Anna so you’ve probably ruined that relationship.

What you should’ve done is had the conversation with Anna, empathised with her, reminded her your still her friend and you love her but you also love Emma so while you don’t condone Emma’s actions, you’ll be staying out of it. You’ve already got form for remaining friends with people who do not nice things (like Emma’s husband), so this shouldn’t have been a surprise to Anna, and at least she would’ve known where she stood.

Instead she’s had an awful time of being frozen out by her friend group, turned to you for help and got a cat video in return.

I would have asked Emma to add Anna back into the group though as she’s still part of the group even if Emma doesn’t like her, or created a new group with both Anna and Emma. Emma is pretty childish if she can’t even be civil with Anna in a group setting.

Of course you’re a coward, and as silence is assent you took the side of a shitty old bully.
You aren’t Anna’s friend.

And as for “Oh I hate conflict” grow the fuck up - you run your own business. My guess is you are perfectly fine with conflict when it comes to defending your own stuff.

You sound gutless OP. I must be made of stronger stuff because the original incident would have been called out at the time and I wouldn't still be friends with the revolting Emma after this bullying.

I get not all of us are secure in ourselves enough to do this, but Anna needs your support and your fence sitting is so bad you must have piles.

So in reading your posts, OP, I guess you’re not the bully, but you’re okay with watching the bully in action against someone you say is a friend, as long as you don’t have to get involved?

If my teenage daughter came home with this, I’d tell she was being a bad friend, that being complacent is just as bad as the actual bullying, and doing the right thing is always important, even when it’s difficult. ESPECIALLY when it’s difficult. But she’s young - how have you gotten to your big ol’ age and not learned this?

To be honest, Anna will be better off without the two of you. And the dick of a DH. Down the road when Emma turns on you you'll realize you made the wrong choice.