Am I wrong to stay out of a falling out between two friends?

[Lilifer]

I am looking for some perspective or advice on a difficult situation with two long term friends.
Two of my closest friends have fallen out. I’ve known both of them for years. One of them, I’ll call her Emma has been slowly and quietly freezing the other one out for over a year. My other friend, I’ll call her Anna had no idea why and has been really hurt and upset by it. To make things worse, Anna has been going through a really serious health challenge during this time and has had very little support. She’s a single mother, not originally from our city, has no family nearby. I felt awful watching Emma treat her this way and honestly I do think it’s been quite unkind.
But if I’m honest, Emma also intimidates me a little. I’ve seen how she operates when she decides she doesn’t like someone or doesn’t approve of them. She can be wonderful when she’s on your side but when she turns on someone she can be quite aggressive and cutting about it. I’ve watched her do it to others and I really don’t want to end up on the receiving end of that myself.
Then Emma removed Anna from our WhatsApp mum friends group publicly, the notification showed everyone that she’d been removed, which was humiliating for Anna and she was devastated and told me so. Up till then she’d never once asked me to take sides or get involved during the eighteen months of Emma gradually freezing her out. But after this she finally asked me directly to have her back, not to fall out with Emma or cause any scenes, just to quietly be less available to her. Less coffee, less socialising, that kind of thing. She said it was what she would do for me without hesitation.
I told her I always have her back and suggested we meet for a walk to talk. But if I’m being honest, I kept avoiding making the time for it because I didn’t want to have the conversation. Because if we talked properly, I might end up feeling like I had to actually do something. And I wasn’t sure I was prepared to do that.
Then I went away on holiday. While I was away I heard about some other upsetting things that had happened to Anna but I couldn’t really face dealing with it so I sent her some holiday videos and asked how her weekend had gone.
When she told me about another hurtful incident involving Emma I didn’t really respond to that at all apart from to send her funny insta cat video. I just couldn’t face it.
Since I got back Anna has gone a bit quiet. She’s not responding when I send her funny videos or light messages. I feel like things are really awkward between us and I don’t know what to do.
I know Anna is isolated, struggling, and has been incredibly patient. I know she’s only ever asked me for one thing. I know I promised a conversation and didn’t follow through. And if I’m honest, I know exactly why things have gone quiet, because she finally saw through my excuses.
Am I wrong? Am I being a coward? And what would you do in my position?

I'd go to your GP to check why your back bone and brain aren't working properly!

Friend upset - here's a cat video - ridiculous!

Emma's nasty & her husband sounds vile.
She won't turn on you 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Every nasty person has some hero worshipping lap dogs in tow - that's currently you and your husband.
Step out of line & you'll get the same treatment as Anna.
Guaranteed to happen.
When you are no longer useful, you'll be disguarded too.

When you turn a blind eye to nastiest, you are complicit in it.

You all sound like you’re 12 years old and back in school. FFS you’re a shite friend, and your husband “hero worshiping” Emma’s husband, seriously! I can understand liking, and having time for him but hero worshipping!

What do you mean Emma could make things difficult for you? What will she do? Will she make you lose your job? Does she pay your bills? Do you rely on her for your health? If the answer to any of these questions is no, then she can’t make things difficult for you. Grow a fucking spine, and tell Emma you are all adults and she isn’t queen bee, and you’re not in high school anymore.

YOU are actually complicit in Emma bullying Anna.

Anna is better off away from you all.

I think this is horrific.

there is no way on earth could I ever be friends with someone who treated another human so fucking horrifically and so publically

thte is no way I would ever want to be associated with someone so unkind. I want to show my children that we don’t stand for people who do that and are unkind

I work in a job that deals with suicide and that can so easily tip someone over the edge

i I think it’s horrible that no one is sticking up for Anna.

tell her I’ll be there for her.

Jesus.

this makes the whole thing even worse. Who does that for different opinions. Who is so cruel to another human for that!

Yes I absolutely would!

when you’ve deal with suicide as much as I do and you’ve seen some of the lengths people have gone to because of similar behaviour to emma

then I absolutely wouldn’t even doubt to leave. I wouldn’t care

i don’t give a shit what a bully did or said about me. I know my own worth and I know the damage someone like that can do to a entire fanoly

youd be ok with Emma treating your kids the way she treated Anna yeah?

Not sure if you realise how you’re looking?

you’re saying Emma is ok and it’s Anna’s fault because she has an opinion that differs?

because she’s hard work?

sounds like you really don’t like Anna much at all

If this is real, which I doubt, I am also Team Anna. Emma sounds like a bitch, her husband a total arsehole, and you sound weak as piss. Anna sounds great, and she is well rid of the lot of you.

@Lilifer What did you expect? Sympathy for enabling bullying and cruel behaviour?

You say you were close yet you sent stupid cat videos when your "friend" was telling you how hurt she is. That was very tactless and insensitive on your part.

Emma sounds like a bitch troll from hell and her husband is a misognystic arsehole who your husband hero worships so you don't want to rock the boat. I'd be horrified if my DP worshipped a man like that.

The other posters are right you are gutless and a complete coward that you've stood by whilst Emma behaved appalling to your friend and haven't told her she's bang out of order because you're scared of Emma turning on you that you dropped Anna like you burnt you hands on the oven. Anna is better off without all of you and I hope she finds better friends.

I honestly couldn't see my friend the same way if I watched her bully someone I'd have dropped her and told her exactly why. Oh and Emma will turn on you one day OP and then you'll truly know how Anna must have felt.

There have been many, many posts on Mumsnet from women who have been thrown (or edged) out of a friendship group, sometimes by a Queen Bee type. It’s really interesting to see a thread from one of the bystanders in this scenario.

Emma’s behaviour towards Anna is obviously very hurtful and in tolerating it, you’ve let Anna down. I don’t understand why you won’t talk to Emma about it. If you can’t be honest with her, however tactfully, then can you really call her a close friend? It sounds more as though you hero-worship her (and her DH) and are scared of her at the same time. But neither Emma nor her DH sound like good people, despite the excuses you’ve made for them.

Basically you are saying I have to withdraw from Emma, and get off the fence. That will have very negative consequences for me. Be honest can you all say you would actually do that ? Becasue it’s easy to judge but but not so easy to do the hard things

Yes, I would actually do that. What are these very negative consequences? Your husbands would have to meet up without you and Emma present? Emma would remove you from the WhatsApp group and slag you off? So what?

You’re enabling a bully. You’re just as bad as Emma. HTH.

To answer the question in your OP, yes - you’re a coward and a terrible friend.

You should take a side when one woman is being vile to another, it’s just the right thing to do.

🤣🤣🤣 Hyacinth Bucket would say her candle lit suppers are far better

Sums it up perfectly. Yes, you have been a coward. Your post quite clearly states thatEmma’s behaviour is unpleasant, and yet you won’t call her out on it. I have tried to bring my DC up to be very firm with bullies and never stay quiet out of fear of how they will be treated.

You don’t have to make some sort of heroic stance - you just need to behave decently. Leave the group yourself and get in touch with Anna and apologise.

OP, you said, "... a wife is always going to side with her husband".
Don't include every other wife/partner in the world in that bullshit idea. No, if my partner is being an arsehole to someone (behind their back!), I am definitely not going to side with him as a default position.
But then, you have already revealed yourself to be spineless and a very very bad friend.

The same relevance as mentioning Emma's husbands oh so secret high flying job. What on earth does his job have to do with anything?

For God’s sake this situation gets more pathetic with each post. If my DH tried to tell me not to upset the toxic wife of one of his mates it would not go well for him.

You are enabling appalling behaviour. There is no excuse for this in social situations. I have more understanding when it is employment related as not everyone can just walk out of a job, but I do not socialise with toxic people. I dropped one girl at school who was like this despite me losing a couple of other friends but it was the right thing to do and my DM agreed.

Well, Anna doesn't have a husband so it's easy, she's the one you dump.
That's what women in cliques usually do, turn on the one who doesn't have a man.
I wouldn't be remotely surprised if it turned out Emma's husband told her Anna had made a pass at him. Anna humiliated him and he wants her out, out, out.

The more you comment OP, the worse you sound. The job of her DP is irrelevant (but also even more worrying) given he makes misogynistic and hurtful comments. He sounds insufferable.

You sounds as if you just want an easy ride snd unfortunately life doesn’t work like that. You also sound as if deep down you know the right thing to do because you are know hopelessly trying to defend your actions - cognitive dissonance.

Essentially you are enabling a bully because it’s easier and that’s a shameful position to be in.

Did you fall out with paragraphs OP?

I could never remain friends with people who are cruel and who condone drunk men making female hate jokes.
Why didn't you call him out at the time? You all heard it. You all would have been a powerful voice together.

Your are being unreasonable to not see Emma as a mean bitch.

Seek out Anna as a friend and spend proper time with her. Don't worry about upsetting Emma, whom you can not possibly have any respect for.

Sorry but you and your friend group sound like a bunch of cowards. You admit she is being mean and bullying Emma yet you don't want o sag anything so you can remain in her good books, and the same for your group do friends all keeping mum and pretending everything is fine while watching her bully and treat her unfairly.

Do you really need Emma s validation so badly?

Yes this isn't primary school which is why you speak up like an adult not turn a blind eye to obvious abuse and bullying behaviour.

And your DH is also a spineless coward for pressuring you to do nothing because he "hero worships" her husband.