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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Am I wrong to stay out of a falling out between two friends?

672 replies

Lilifer · 14/07/2026 22:06

I am looking for some perspective or advice on a difficult situation with two long term friends.
Two of my closest friends have fallen out. I’ve known both of them for years. One of them, I’ll call her Emma has been slowly and quietly freezing the other one out for over a year. My other friend, I’ll call her Anna had no idea why and has been really hurt and upset by it. To make things worse, Anna has been going through a really serious health challenge during this time and has had very little support. She’s a single mother, not originally from our city, has no family nearby. I felt awful watching Emma treat her this way and honestly I do think it’s been quite unkind.
But if I’m honest, Emma also intimidates me a little. I’ve seen how she operates when she decides she doesn’t like someone or doesn’t approve of them. She can be wonderful when she’s on your side but when she turns on someone she can be quite aggressive and cutting about it. I’ve watched her do it to others and I really don’t want to end up on the receiving end of that myself.
Then Emma removed Anna from our WhatsApp mum friends group publicly, the notification showed everyone that she’d been removed, which was humiliating for Anna and she was devastated and told me so. Up till then she’d never once asked me to take sides or get involved during the eighteen months of Emma gradually freezing her out. But after this she finally asked me directly to have her back, not to fall out with Emma or cause any scenes, just to quietly be less available to her. Less coffee, less socialising, that kind of thing. She said it was what she would do for me without hesitation.
I told her I always have her back and suggested we meet for a walk to talk. But if I’m being honest, I kept avoiding making the time for it because I didn’t want to have the conversation. Because if we talked properly, I might end up feeling like I had to actually do something. And I wasn’t sure I was prepared to do that.
Then I went away on holiday. While I was away I heard about some other upsetting things that had happened to Anna but I couldn’t really face dealing with it so I sent her some holiday videos and asked how her weekend had gone.
When she told me about another hurtful incident involving Emma I didn’t really respond to that at all apart from to send her funny insta cat video. I just couldn’t face it.
Since I got back Anna has gone a bit quiet. She’s not responding when I send her funny videos or light messages. I feel like things are really awkward between us and I don’t know what to do.
I know Anna is isolated, struggling, and has been incredibly patient. I know she’s only ever asked me for one thing. I know I promised a conversation and didn’t follow through. And if I’m honest, I know exactly why things have gone quiet, because she finally saw through my excuses.
Am I wrong? Am I being a coward? And what would you do in my position?

OP posts:
AnonyMumAuDHD · 15/07/2026 00:30

Cowardly and absolutely lacking any moral backbone, aren’t you?

Emma is a dick. She’s married to a potentially bigger dick. Your DH is a sycophant who admires the dicks uand you… well, poor Anna.

Merryoldgoat · 15/07/2026 00:30

Lilifer · 15/07/2026 00:26

I wish I could do this but it’s not just us girls, the husbands are friends too, we have all been intertwined for 20 odd years. I have tried to stay friends with both, now I see that isn’t really possible, I need to choose basically.

You are a 56 year old woman. You are not a girl.

Lilifer · 15/07/2026 00:30

@latetothefisting I feel like I was saying I didn’t want to be involved by my actions. I didn’t want to get involved and I avoided talking about it, I think I made it clear without actually saying it out loud

OP posts:
Anyahyacinth · 15/07/2026 00:34

Anna has made her escape. Being cowardly and without morals isn’t friendship. I think that must be clear to Anna.
I hope she thrives..the rest...not being interested in politics when it affects everything in your life is just sad, same being a cowed friend..to a bully..just yuck

#teamAnna

Mindtheagp · 15/07/2026 00:35

I really feel for Anna having the misfortune to be good friends with a bully and a bystander. I hope she moves on and recovers from this nasty treatment. And hopefully you’ll grow a spine one day

ElsieTannersCoat · 15/07/2026 00:35

Lilifer · 14/07/2026 22:36

Jesus I can’t believe people are being so harsh. I’ve tried to be supportive without actually taking a side. This isn’t primary school, I shouldn’t have to take a side. And it’s not easy. We all have stress in our lives and I don’t need any more. You are all judging me quite harshly without knowing much about me.

If this is even real - which I doubt - you don’t seem to understand that you SHOULD take a side here. There’s no “six of one and half a dozen of the other” - Anna is the injured party. Emma has deliberately tried to exclude her and turn her friends against her. And over what? A political argument SIX YEARS AGO?!

If you had anything approaching a backbone you’d tell Emma that she’s being a bitch and that you don’t want to be friends with someone like that. It’s not about staying neutral; sometimes it’s okay to just say “I think you’re wrong” and take the consequences.

I don’t challenge Emma because yes ok I’m an appeaser so we are never gonna fall out like she did with Anna

You know who else thought that? Anna.

Boreded · 15/07/2026 00:37

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sheisforrealatiger · 15/07/2026 00:37

Lilifer · 15/07/2026 00:30

@latetothefisting I feel like I was saying I didn’t want to be involved by my actions. I didn’t want to get involved and I avoided talking about it, I think I made it clear without actually saying it out loud

Why say “I don’t want to support you” when you can send cat videos instead. It says exactly the same thing.

Chattycatty · 15/07/2026 00:37

Sounds to me like you've changed your tune about Anna as your posta go on and now shes not so nice simply because you're too scared to confront Emma who by all accounts is a bitch. Anna is better off without the two of you. You're spineless.

Nopersbro · 15/07/2026 00:38

It's your choice who you're friends with, nobody can or should decide for you. But if I were your friend, I'd drop you and your husband for sucking up to a blatant misogynist and normalising his nonsense, even without the issue of Emma's bullying. If you're set in your position about these two and it's more important to you than your friendship with Anna, then you should have been honest with Anna up front that you could not or would not try to help her. Now Anna has realised you'd been stringing her along and she has apparently dropped you. Ultimately this was inevitable once you took Emma's side, so in a way the problem's solved. If you miss Anna but still won't criticise or question Emma, you could try telling Anna what you've said here and seeing if the two of you can continue a one on one friendship that you hide from Emma. But I suspect Anna has moved on and you probably should too.

Catpuss66 · 15/07/2026 00:38

Lilifer · 14/07/2026 22:48

I have been extremely supportive of Anna all year during her health problems. I’ve driven her to health appointments, helped her with domestic stuff shopping etc, done all I could on that front, I just didn’t want to be dragged into her conflict with Emma. Why should I be, it’s between them. Maybe Emma was hurt by Anna too in that heated argument and a wife is always going to side with her husband. I’ve been a good friend to Anna, for 20odd years , supported her through her divorce etc I think some of the comments on here are really really unfair. Basically you are saying I have to withdraw from Emma, and get off the fence. That will have very negative consequences for me. Be honest can you all say you would actually do that ? Becasue it’s easy to judge but but not so easy to do the hard things

Yes I will I need to be able to look at myself in the mirror everyday. Saying ‘evil flourishes because good men do nothing’

Emma will come after you when your boundary is crossed.

Booboobagins · 15/07/2026 00:41

What sort of friend are you.

You are not just being unreasonable, you are cowardly and selfish.

Poor Anna now knows you're not a true friend.

Either grow a spine or cut Anna loose. She deserves proper friends.

Emma needs to be dealt with if it were me, I'd set up a diff WhatsApp group with everyone in Anna except her. Unless you face up to bullies they bully all their lives. You are all complicit in the bullying. Despicable behaviour. Hang your head in shame.

beAsensible1 · 15/07/2026 00:41

Lilifer · 15/07/2026 00:26

I wish I could do this but it’s not just us girls, the husbands are friends too, we have all been intertwined for 20 odd years. I have tried to stay friends with both, now I see that isn’t really possible, I need to choose basically.

You’re not really friends if that’s how she treated Anna. You just a member of her peanut gallery.

you’ve already chosen Emma, here’s hoping she chooses you too. I don’t think your dinner party skills will be enough to save you when the time comes.

Redpaisley · 15/07/2026 00:41

In your op, Emma can be aggressive. In next post about her husband, he is an arsehole and said ugly and misogynistic things to Anna’s sister.

You didn’t talk of Anna being stubborn or people finding her a bit difficult too. This only came in the 7th or 8th post by you after people said you are unreasonable. Now suddenly Emma’s dh is a good person when not drunk, Emma supported you so a good person too, it’s just Anna gets too confrontational and likes controversial topics like politics.

Can you decide first what you really feel about these people? It seems like you were expecting posters to tell you that you are not coward but when they didn’t you started doing more building their characters to get the answer you wanted.

Was it a fake question? - am I being coward?

Boreded · 15/07/2026 00:43

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Redpaisley · 15/07/2026 00:44

beAsensible1 · 15/07/2026 00:41

You’re not really friends if that’s how she treated Anna. You just a member of her peanut gallery.

you’ve already chosen Emma, here’s hoping she chooses you too. I don’t think your dinner party skills will be enough to save you when the time comes.

Op is buying time with her friend and her influential businessman husband through her lavish dinner parties. You are right that they are not friends. This is so transactional.

Redpaisley · 15/07/2026 00:44

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Baking07 · 15/07/2026 00:45

Poor Anna.
In such a tough situation and surrounded by such ugly, vacuous, and characterless people.

tygertygers · 15/07/2026 00:45

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jacks11 · 15/07/2026 00:46

Lilifer · 14/07/2026 23:56

“All we know of you is what you have told us. Trust me, your own words do you no favours. By your own admission you've watched silently from the sidelines whilst Emma, a woman who you know isn't your friend and you are scared of, bullies the fuck out of a woman who is quite vulnerable. Oh, and your husband is a fanboy of Emma's dick of a husband so he wants you to stay in Emma's good books.
Did I miss anything?
Yes, I'm judging you. Get some fucking morals and a spine, woman!”

we have all known each other for 20+ years. I was hoping things would resolve without me getting involved and maybe making it worse, more entrenched. Now I see that isn’t possible. I understand why Anna is upset, I don’t want to lose her as a friend, so I will try and talk with her and see what I can do to help things

I don’t understand this. I think the reason you’re on here is that your conscience is being pricked. You know that what Emma has done to Anna is seriously out of line. It’s just you desperately want to find mitigation so you can feel some justification in carrying in as you are, and so you don’t have to admit there is wrongdoing. Because then you might have to consider rocking the boat, which is inconvenient for you.

Emma can fall out with Anna- she can end the friendship at any time, for any reason. Her reasons, as you have laid out, seem rather tawdry- Anna disagreeing a little too vehemently on a political opinion; Anna taking Emma’s husband to task for behaviour towards her sister which you have described as horrible and misogynistic (which was done privately, when he had sobered up- seems entirely reasonable to me). However, it is Emma’s prerogative to decide to end a friendship over that.

But- Emma didn’t just withdraw from a friendship, she mounted a prolonged, pointed attack by freezing Anna out and getting everyone in your group to join in and thus isolating her from her friends. She did this knowing Anna was having a difficult time health wise and was vulnerable. She then publicly humiliated her. That is utterly appalling and totally indefensible, no matter how nice, fun and supportive Emma might be if you are in her good books.

If your friends were just not talking, i could kind of get keeping out of it and letting them sort it out. But the minute it turned into vicious bullying of Anna- your supposed friend- that strategy became cowardice.

You let your friend be publicly bullied, for what seem like very petty reasons, at a time she is vulnerable. You supported her in private, under cover when you couldn’t be seen. That’s cowardice, of a sort, too. It’s like the man who dates a woman he genuinely likes/finds attractive but won’t be seen in public with her as she doesn’t meet typical beauty norms- maybe she’s overweight; unfashionable or a bit of a nerd; from a different social, ethnic or religious background. He’s afraid to admit who he likes publicly because he fears what people might think and he’s ashamed/embarrassed. Your the equivalent, offering support just as long as it’s quiet and doesn’t openly contradict Emma’s position.

At the point Emma decided Anna could not be a part of the group because she, and she alone, decreed it to be so and you stood back and let it happen with nary a question it was cowardice.

You contradict yourself by saying you are too frightened of the backlash you’d face to stand up to Emma. But then say she’d never be horrible to you because she’s have too much to lose socially. Which is it? I think the former, and you enjoy being in the reflected glory of Emma and her “amazing” husband, and don’t want to be shut out. If Anna was the price to pay for that? Well, it’s a price you chose to pay. I just hope you are right and your wonderful dinner parties and important social connections are enough to keep you where you want to be. Maybe it will, but it’s also possible someone with better parties and more prestigious social connections might come along- and if your face no longer fits you might end up on the other end of Emma’s less lovely aspects. I’ve seen it happen, don’t kid yourself it can’t.

Honestly, I think you’ve really let Anna down. Unless you really mean it, and will deal with Emma differently in the future, leave her be.

tachetastic · 15/07/2026 00:48

Poor Anna. She has really been let down from all sides.

I don't know what you expect from this thread @Lilifer. Emma is a bitch and you are scared of her. Emma's husband is an Alpha bastard and your husband wants to be him. You and your husband seem to be simultaneously in awe and in fear of Emma and her husband.

Which is actually quite sad. Do you really want to live like that?

If I was writing the movie I would suggest you cut your ties with bitch Emma and her Alpha bastard husband and commit to Anna, but I suspect that's not going to happen and you're all happier leaving Anna out to dry while you send funny cat videos to each other and ignore what is actually happening.

AgingWellThankYou · 15/07/2026 00:53

Yes, you are being a coward. You flat out say you avoid engaging because you don’t want the hassle of having your friend’s back.

Now, I agree with other posters that I would try to understand both sides and make up my mind on the right course of action, not take a side blindly. There could be a valid reason Wmily is upset, even if her approach is unkind.

But that is not what you are doing. You clearly admit you are going with the flow so you won’t end up on Emily’s bad side yourself.

OttersOnAPlane · 15/07/2026 01:02

Stop trying to make Fetch happen, OP.

ec5881 · 15/07/2026 01:14

Anna sounds decent (she’s fecking right about Boris by the way and good for her for standing up to any twoddle that venerates the buffoon, quaffing his wine and cheese with his colleagues while women gave birth and people died alone), Emma sounds like a bit of a top of the pyramid class bully. If I were you I’d let the whole thing with Emma fade and focus on your friendship with Anna. It’s good that Anna has said the Emma ship has sailed; there is no point wasting one’s life on a friendship - even if someone has redeeming qualities - where one acts as she has done. No effing way would I continue to have friends who are capable of that. I learnt that lesson in year 9 - that you don’t need to be friends with people who feel better about themselves by treating you like shit. She is so much better off now she’s accepted the friendship with Emma is a no go. I hope you’ll realise that Anna is the friend worth keeping in this situation not Emma. Cruelty and frankly bullying are not nice qualities in a friend. Also people like this will try and keep you in by luring you with their attractive sides, thwy emotionally manipulate, but don’t fall for it. Sod what the husbands think. I think you’re focusing too much on what everyone thinks about each other. Step back, who has acted like a cruel cow (really I mean it Anna was right about Boris and she should stand up for that point, and if emma drops her over a simple (and important) discussion that’s insane (my mum thinks same as Emma and I’m not going to come to the conclusion I’m so offended we disagree or more to the point she disagreed with me that I’m cutting my mum off???). Think about this all - there isn’t some other side to this that Anna’s not telling you; the situation clearly is that Emma has a manipulative bullying side to her, and Anna doesn’t. I know who I’d want to befriend. & Is Emma’s husband Elon Musk 😂 Dude save yourself and choose Anna! Just meet her and listen. Tune out the noise and Emma and see the situation for what it is. Emma’s not worth it, Anna is.

Iyamnotayam · 15/07/2026 01:17

Lilifer · 14/07/2026 22:48

I have been extremely supportive of Anna all year during her health problems. I’ve driven her to health appointments, helped her with domestic stuff shopping etc, done all I could on that front, I just didn’t want to be dragged into her conflict with Emma. Why should I be, it’s between them. Maybe Emma was hurt by Anna too in that heated argument and a wife is always going to side with her husband. I’ve been a good friend to Anna, for 20odd years , supported her through her divorce etc I think some of the comments on here are really really unfair. Basically you are saying I have to withdraw from Emma, and get off the fence. That will have very negative consequences for me. Be honest can you all say you would actually do that ? Becasue it’s easy to judge but but not so easy to do the hard things

A decent wife doesn't always side with her husband. I have my husband's back, but I would also be the first to call him out if he ever said something that offended another person.

And yes. I have been in a similar position, twice. Both times I've got off the fence and done the right thing.

You talk about negative consequences. But my perspective is that people like Emma are like mould. The toxicity spreads and infects everything it touches. And everything those things touch continues the spread of toxicity. Which is what you're doing right now.

Knowing the dynamics of groups like this, everyone talks about one and other behind each others backs. I'd rather people talked about how I put a nasty bitch in her place, than talk about how our mutual friend/acquaintance distanced herself because I stood by and let someone bully her.