Am I wrong to stay out of a falling out between two friends?

[Lilifer]

I am looking for some perspective or advice on a difficult situation with two long term friends.
Two of my closest friends have fallen out. I’ve known both of them for years. One of them, I’ll call her Emma has been slowly and quietly freezing the other one out for over a year. My other friend, I’ll call her Anna had no idea why and has been really hurt and upset by it. To make things worse, Anna has been going through a really serious health challenge during this time and has had very little support. She’s a single mother, not originally from our city, has no family nearby. I felt awful watching Emma treat her this way and honestly I do think it’s been quite unkind.
But if I’m honest, Emma also intimidates me a little. I’ve seen how she operates when she decides she doesn’t like someone or doesn’t approve of them. She can be wonderful when she’s on your side but when she turns on someone she can be quite aggressive and cutting about it. I’ve watched her do it to others and I really don’t want to end up on the receiving end of that myself.
Then Emma removed Anna from our WhatsApp mum friends group publicly, the notification showed everyone that she’d been removed, which was humiliating for Anna and she was devastated and told me so. Up till then she’d never once asked me to take sides or get involved during the eighteen months of Emma gradually freezing her out. But after this she finally asked me directly to have her back, not to fall out with Emma or cause any scenes, just to quietly be less available to her. Less coffee, less socialising, that kind of thing. She said it was what she would do for me without hesitation.
I told her I always have her back and suggested we meet for a walk to talk. But if I’m being honest, I kept avoiding making the time for it because I didn’t want to have the conversation. Because if we talked properly, I might end up feeling like I had to actually do something. And I wasn’t sure I was prepared to do that.
Then I went away on holiday. While I was away I heard about some other upsetting things that had happened to Anna but I couldn’t really face dealing with it so I sent her some holiday videos and asked how her weekend had gone.
When she told me about another hurtful incident involving Emma I didn’t really respond to that at all apart from to send her funny insta cat video. I just couldn’t face it.
Since I got back Anna has gone a bit quiet. She’s not responding when I send her funny videos or light messages. I feel like things are really awkward between us and I don’t know what to do.
I know Anna is isolated, struggling, and has been incredibly patient. I know she’s only ever asked me for one thing. I know I promised a conversation and didn’t follow through. And if I’m honest, I know exactly why things have gone quiet, because she finally saw through my excuses.
Am I wrong? Am I being a coward? And what would you do in my position?

there is only one way to avoid being bullied by a bully and that is to deal with the bully.

I wonder who the 3% YANBU are?

I’m starting to think this is satire now, Emma’s husband has a high flying job and is charismatic ( when he’s not drunk)? Nah, this has to be satire,

And most people don’t LIKE conflict or confrontation but understand that it’s required at times to maintain any integrity.

I don’t enjoy having to confront people, but I prefer it to feeling like a feeble prat who hasn’t the courage of their convictions.

Ridiculous comment. Lots of people aren’t interested in politics. What relevance does that have in this situation?

I didn’t understand your AiBU so to answer your question in my view yes you are coward.
You thought funny car video will distract her from her hurt. Also, you promised to go for a walk but didn’t follow through. Why don’t you tell her directly that you don’t want to get involved. As you have no backbone, you should stay friends with Aggressive Emma until she cuts you off.

I was going to come on here and post that you sound like a wet blanket OP, surrounded by some very toxic people.

I'm not going to do this now, because with every post you just sound worse and worse.

Grow up and try and find some core values. At some point in life, you have to stand for something. Otherwise you will fall for anything.

But she says this is a modus operandi for Emma when she does not approve of someone.

I usually read all the OP’s posts if I don’t RTFT and today I haven’t and I don’t care.

I have been Anna so many times and not understood why the Emmas of this world are so spiteful. Nor have I understood why the OPs of this world ALWAYS back the Emmas and not the Anna’s. And for the first time in my life I see it.

Here it is.
Emma is a spiteful bully.
She bullies Anna until Anna begs to get back in and Anna never feels safe.
OP is bullied by Emma and doesn’t want to be treated like Anna.
OP rejects Anna.
Anna is devastated.
OP can see that but can’t extricate herself, even though she knows Emma is a bitch.
OP is a coward. And that makes her a bully and a bitch too.

Honestly Anna is better off out of it. Emma and the OP deserve each other.

It is playground politics in grown women. Grow up. See that Anna is the better friend. Know that the OP is a massive part of the problem.

Emma’s husband has indeed a high flying very well paid very public facing job of a fairly well known company - he is very clever, charming and capable and has the right personality for the business he’s in. But yes, when he lets his hair down occasionally he gets drunk - not often but for eg at a 40th birthday party, where Anna and her sister were, and me and other friends, he got really drunk, fell out with Emma and got obnoxious, and it’s always women who are the butt of his jokes when he gets like that. I don’t like that side of him, obviously, nor does my dh like that, but when he is sober, which is mostly, he’s good fun and interesting

Jesus wept.

you really are a ‘special and interesting’ character, aren’t you?

Ew. This is extremely cowardly. He said something ugly and misogynistic she had a quiet word, which isn’t making a fuss at all but she’s well within her rights to stick up for her sister.

I would approach it head first and ask Emma wtf is going on or what I’ll back. She sounds a bully. Your DH hero worshiping this man is loserish unless he has cured an incurable disease?

why are you so desperate to be associated with Emma, does she let you use her Caribbean villa free for two weeks every summer or something?

🤮

As an adult woman this entire post is embarrassing.

If you aren’t interested in politics then you aren’t interested in how our country is run, how the NHS is funded, how children are educated, how the vulnerable are protected among many other things. In that case yes, you are thick.

You made it relevant but referring to your lack of interest and Emma and Anna’s disagreement.

Sometimes Advanced Search is very interesting 🤔

A previous poster suggested you stop digging, OP. You didn't, and any second now you're going to break ground in Brisbane.

Why, what did you find?

Same. I genuinely dont understand how someone can be so completely obtuse and thought it had to be Anna posting a reverse.

It's one thing if you dont want to take sides (although you come across as incredibly cowardly and a pretty rubbish friend) but the way you've behaved to Anna is just horrible. You could have just said "I'm sorry Anna but I don't want to get involved" not lie to her, avoid her and then send her stupid videos when she's going through a really hard time.

So Emma’s ‘arsehole husband’ (in your words ) said something ugly and misogynistic to Anna’s sister and because she confronted him, now Emma is taking revenge, and your support is funny cat videos and your vacation photos. If cat videos and scenic images can easily distract humans from being at the end of mistreatments from others, wouldn’t she have googled them in the first place?

Also, who supports Borie Johnson for ignoring all the warnings he received from other countries about COVID and saying he shook hands with patients, and then keep a grudge on a friend with a different opinion.

Why does your husband worships Emma’s husband? Is he a rich man with a lot of power and political influence? Someone from Tory? Emma and her husband do not sound like decent people and as you and your husband prefer them, I would assume you are not that decent yourself.

For god's sake grow a backbone, tell Emma she's a horrible bully, block her and support the person who needs it if she'll forgive you for the shoddy way you've behaved

I wish I could do this but it’s not just us girls, the husbands are friends too, we have all been intertwined for 20 odd years. I have tried to stay friends with both, now I see that isn’t really possible, I need to choose basically.

Sincerely believe that this is all bullshit – too much obvious rage bait, from the I'm-too-weak-to-be-a-decent-person scenario itself, to the Boris Johnson bollox.

Perhaps you could write about all this for one of your pieces on Medium, Lilifer?

I get it, but you've plainly admitted your motives are cowardice and inconvenience. You're not much of a friend, tbh.