AIBU to refuse looking after my sister's child during her honeymoon?

[NotHappyFamilies]

My sister is getting married in just over 2 weeks. I have helped her to organise her wedding and looked after her child when she has been to appointments and had wedding things to sort out. It’s a big wedding, she’s found it all quite stressful so I have done what I can to help.

I have booked 2 weeks off after her wedding because I feel like I need the rest after all the stress and I have leave to use. My husband and I are going away for 2 nights but we plan to chill out at home, get some things done around the house, go out for meals, have an evening at the theatre and just spend some time together.

My sister wasn’t planning on a honeymoon but her in-laws have just gifted them 2 weeks at their holiday home. Her partner was aware but it was a surprise to my sister until over the weekend when they told her.

We presumed they would take their child with them but yesterday they asked if we would have her when they’re away so they get a proper honeymoon. I must have looked horrified as my sister said maybe in-laws could have her for one week so could we just have her for one week.

I have said no as my husband and I also want to spend time together. My sisters child is 8 and although she is lovely, we’ll have to entertain her. Our children are older so don’t require looking after and we have had a stressful few months with GCSEs and the wedding prep. We just want to relax. My husband has also said absolutely no way.

My sisters in laws have contacted me to say that we can sort this between us and let my sister and new husband have a lovely honeymoon.

Are we being unreasonable?

Well in our family this is what we would automatically do and have done several times cared for nieces and nephews, cousins etc but only for a week not 2 as it's a nice thing to do for family who are getting married

I wouldn’t leave my children for 2 weeks at the ages they are, but plenty of people do, so to each their own.

@bitmiffed26 I think it's fairly unusual tbh. A few days away, but not two weeks.

‘There’s nothing wrong with wanting quality time with your partner.’

That applies to OP too. Being parents of teens can be hard so it’s important OP spends quality time with her husband. 😉

It would be better for the child to stay with one person rather than being passed from pillar to post.
OP is certainly not being unreasonable. She has booked leave to have time off.
That is unless her sister looked after her children for a week at a time.

Yanbu at all. She’s a mum. There’s no right to suddenly not have that responsibility for a honeymoon. That’s for couples who haven’t already had kids either together or with someone before. If she wants that fantasy, she has to organise it and fund/arrange proper childcare, it’s not your problem to solve. Sounds like you’ve done plenty already for her so don’t be guilt tripped. Enjoy your break.

Only on Mumsnet would someone need 2 weeks to relax after someone else’s wedding 🤣🤣🤣

Absolutely.

I just wouldn’t put spending some time pottering around at home with my partner above helping my sister out with something this big - especially if I had two weeks off so could do both, have my niece for a week, and relax for a week.

thats just the dynamic in my family though.

You seem to think you sound kind. You don’t.

You'd automatically give up your annual leave at the last minute because your sister has changed her mind and wants to leave her child at home?

Yep, I think he has a DW problem!

Does your sister help you out often?
Did she help you with childcare when your kids were young?
Is your relationship generally reciprocal?

If you tend to do a lot more for her than she does for you, I'd stick to my no. But if she's always been good to you and helped you a lot when you've needed her help I'd agree to look after her daughter for a week.

I don’t think I sound anything. 🤣

I’m just sharing what I would do in the OPs position.

No absolutely not. And it’s always amusing when people post here about not getting any help with grandparents etc and they are told they are entitled, their choice to have kids, nobody else’s responsibility to provide childcare blah blah blah. But as soon as it’s presented from the other side the op is told they are selfish not to help. I particularly enjoyed one poster telling the op that they can’t be that shattered 😂

Anyway op, don’t do it if you don’t want to. The in laws have planned this and they can have the child. Totally unfair to dump it on you at such short notice. Can you just say you have a holiday or pre paid stuff booked as well?

Done more than your fair share to help with this wedding and all the rest of it. Enjoy 2 weeks of peaceful bliss!

In all honesty, she has a point.

It always strikes me as a double standard wanting to buy into all the bridal magazine parts of the wedding, including the virginal deflowering retreat of the honeymoon, yet none of the actual fundamentals of the ceremony.

I mean I get that people have children before marriage, but if they are going to be lenient of parts of the tradition, there isn't really any reason they need to insist on being sticklers for the holiday bit at everyone else's inconvenience.

I haven't said there's anything wrong with wanting romantic time with your partner. I just think most parents accept that once you become parents, that a 2 week chunk of uninterrupted child free time is unrealistic. Not just in the sense of what support network you have, but at the cost of the relationship with your child. Long weekend, fine. Two weeks, and by the sounds of it not really caring much about the child's experience (ie it's not like the bride is arranging some fun alternative for the kid, it's just 'who will have her')
Having kids does change a relationship dynamic. If you don't want that, don't have kids!

They're probably the same people who would be upset if relatives don't take their own children. I think OP is perfectly reasonable to want time with her DH and a break after a busy time. You get married with children, you don't have the same carefree time as newlyweds without children.

The purpose of a honeymoon was for people to get to know each other better in every way before having to face the routine and pressures of life. A couple who have lived together and have an 8 year old are well past that. Maybe honeymoons are dated as a concept.

I have explained the situation with the wedding and my sister expecting a lot of me with helping planning and looking after her child a lot. I’ve also explained we have had a stressful few months with exams, I work full time, we have other commitments and I have annual leave to use because I haven’t had much due to being busy at work. The last time I had any time off was Xmas, so I definitely need some time off.

You don't need to justify yourself. You have plans and can't do it. End of.

They should take their child with them! Make it a family holiday.

A “proper honeymoon” is for if you get married before having kids - unless you’ve got someone who actually wants to have your child for two weeks, I guess.

The groom was right - they should be taking their child with them.

OP, I would tell my sister straight - “I’ve booked these two weeks off because I need a complete rest together with my own family. I haven’t booked them off to give you a complete rest!”

A two week honeymoon when you have a child is crazy! They are so cheeky, poor kid.

No, she doesn’t really help me out and didn’t help with childcare when mine were younger as she wasn’t living here.

I was talking purely about the dynamic of the honeymoon, not the whole relationship so not sure what your point is there.

I think you're right @BeKhakiReader @AlwaysExtraHot.

The DH and DW need to sort this out, he accepted his parents' kind offer on the assumption that their DD was coming with them. They should stick with the original plan IMO.

2 weeks is a long time for a child of 8. It sounds weird to me. A weekend maybe but 2 weeks? How would the child feel? I don’t know anyone who would go away for 2 weeks and leave their child behind. Mine could cope with a weekend but not longer - at a push 3 or 4 days though I’d miss them even so.