AIBU to refuse looking after my sister's child during her honeymoon?

[NotHappyFamilies]

My sister is getting married in just over 2 weeks. I have helped her to organise her wedding and looked after her child when she has been to appointments and had wedding things to sort out. It’s a big wedding, she’s found it all quite stressful so I have done what I can to help.

I have booked 2 weeks off after her wedding because I feel like I need the rest after all the stress and I have leave to use. My husband and I are going away for 2 nights but we plan to chill out at home, get some things done around the house, go out for meals, have an evening at the theatre and just spend some time together.

My sister wasn’t planning on a honeymoon but her in-laws have just gifted them 2 weeks at their holiday home. Her partner was aware but it was a surprise to my sister until over the weekend when they told her.

We presumed they would take their child with them but yesterday they asked if we would have her when they’re away so they get a proper honeymoon. I must have looked horrified as my sister said maybe in-laws could have her for one week so could we just have her for one week.

I have said no as my husband and I also want to spend time together. My sisters child is 8 and although she is lovely, we’ll have to entertain her. Our children are older so don’t require looking after and we have had a stressful few months with GCSEs and the wedding prep. We just want to relax. My husband has also said absolutely no way.

My sisters in laws have contacted me to say that we can sort this between us and let my sister and new husband have a lovely honeymoon.

Are we being unreasonable?

You have a very poorly MIL whom you are caring for as well. I am staggered your sister has even asked you op. In this scenario there is no chance I would do any childcare at all, you need to recover. It’s too much to deal with.

We accepted that, having had a child before we married, being a parent would still take priority when we did. Our daughter was an integral part of our wedding and came on holiday with us afterwards. Perfect ❤️

I don’t think you can possibly have read all the OP’s posts - she’s provided a lot of childcare over the years and is doing so in the run up to the wedding.

She’s allowed to decide how she wants to spend her annual leave.

We all know that having children changed logistics, we all know children are a responsibility, but it’s not a race to the bottom. Some parents are fine with going away for two weeks, and would easily be able to do it because they have a village.
some have the village, but not the inclination.
some would love to have some time away, but don’t have the village.

the only issue here is that OP doesn’t want to provide childcare. Which is absolutely fine, advising her to stick to her guns and say no is one thing. Slagging the sister because she would like childfree time is another.

The thing is it isn't actually a Honeymoon is it? It's a holiday for two people who have been a couple for over 9 years and one of them doesn't want to take their child on that holiday.

OP, you want a holiday too but somehow your sister wants to add an 8 year old to the package of your responsibilities during your fortnight. Hmmmm, when do you and your husband and/or family get their free two weeks in France 😉

The reality then OP is that you're not really on holiday for two weeks if you're still providing care for MIL, you are just not in work for those two weeks. All the responsibilities of caring for MIL are still in place, being restricted to where you can go and when are still in place, MIL caring needs will always be at the back of your mind. I think it's fucking cheeky of the in-laws to contact you demanding You do at least a week of childcare, that tells me they expect you to do the majority of it. Tell them all you're not available as you have commitments to MIL and let them sort it.

No, it wasn’t. The groom assumed they’d be going together.

Ultimately it depends on how your sister is going to react long term by you saying no… if she’s the type that will shrug it off and continue as normal then I would stick to the no reply.
If she’s the type that will let it affect your entire future relationship but you don’t mind if it does then stick with the no.
If she’s is the type to let it affect your future relationship between her and your neice and you do care if it does, then I think you’ll have to suck up a week.
My sister would definitely take offence, but despite loving her to bits I’m also stubborn so would dig my heels in about doing something I didn’t want to, our relationship probably wouldn’t recover, thankfully she’s never asked me for more then a weekend! 😂

So you have:
a teen just gone through GCSEs (which is stressful for all as it takes up so much of their lives with so many exams)
a MIL who is seriously ill, who you are sharing care off and supporting your DH
a stressful job that you haven’t had a break from
you have been supporting your sister is planning a big wedding.

Fully justifiable in saying you want a holiday! Just becuase you are holidaying at home,it is still your holiday! Particularly for your husband who is facing the possible death of his mum soon.

We got married post children and you just accept you are not going to be able to disappear off on a long, child free honeymoon for 2 weeks!

My parents very kindly offered to look after our children for a week.

It’s pretty simple really 2 weeks is too long (and also not fair on the child). The ILs have offered the holiday home so they can cover one week. They don’t need to go for two weeks!

ILs offered their house
BIL accepted, assuming they would take their child with them
DSis. then asks for 2 weeks childcare to have a child free honeymoon

Just say no, OP. If the ILs have chosen to say they would do a week that’s up to them, it doesn’t act as leverage for you to do the same

This is your holiday, your annual leave. Your DH’s annual leave … why should he spend it minding an 8 yo? However much you love her?

Marriages are important. As in yours and DH’s marriage. With your caring responsibilities etc you need holiday time together.

LOL at the ‘you’re selfish’ pps. Can you imagine a thread “I have booked AL to spend holiday time with my DH, lots of lovely things planned. But now he has agreed to have his 8 yo nephew for us to look after for the week’.

None of this means you don’t love your DSis, or your niece. It means you had holiday booked so aren’t available for the huge ask that a week’s care is.

How close are you to your BIL? Can he revert to the idea of the child going on holiday with them?

Personally I think two weeks holiday without your child when you could perfectly well take them (not a business trip, not during school term) is a bit of a race to the bottom parenting attitude.

But there is also more to it than that the bride wants child-free time: she is expecting the OP to forgo a child-free break when she isn't prepared to do the same herself.

To which I would add, both OP and her Dsis are mid-way (by some years) through relationships. Why is the Dsis' relationship more in need of quality time together than the OP's? Quite apart from the fact the child in question doesn't actually belong to the OP.

If the in laws have offered the honeymoon and want them both to have one then they can do the childcare, either that or they take the child with them and have a holiday.

I have three siblings, we're all married. My sister is closest in age to me, lives very nearby and I was her maid of honour so was most involved in her wedding run up compared to the others.

I didn't even take two weeks off to recover from the stress and overwhelm of my own wedding so I'm baffled as to how you've expended so much energy on your sister's.

If my sister had her children at the time of her wedding yes, I'd absolutely have said I'd have them for a week and my parents would have them for the other. I'd have a fabulous time doing all the local things that 8 year old love doing but 18 year olds have grown out of. Then I'd use the other week for a holiday with my husband and our older teenage children.

As someone else has picked up on, it doesn't sound like you're particularly close to your sister or your niece/nephew, especially when you refer to them as "her child". I like my nephews!

Also, how often does someone get married? This isn't just some random holiday.

Yes, it does seem unfair that the goalposts have been moved this late in the day but I wouldn't be so butthurt about it.

All that said, I haven't ever been away from my kids for a whole fortnight. Maybe 8's old enough but when we got married our older two were about 4 and 2 years old so we just went away for a long weekend for our honeymoon and our parents were very happy to help out.

Honeymoons don't have to be a trip of a lifetime to be special, they don't have to be super long or expensive or far away.

It's lovely for people who can afford to do that but we only manage to make one week away in the UK work for our family most years so a 2 week honeymoon seems an incredible treat!

Not saying I'd jump at the chance to have my nephew in a holier-than-thou way. I'd genuinely just be happy to have them. I do think 2 weeks starts taking the piss though so I'd definitely pitch 1 week with you, 1 week with her in-laws. And let her have the honeymoon then let you have a special week the week after.

But the sis never provided free childcare for OP’s DC and now expects OP’s annual leave. And isn’t accepting no as an answer. The loudest “it takes a village” crowd are often those only on the receiving end; not the giving end.

Well, I’m glad I don’t run in the same circles as you if that’s your experience.

My sister and I are each others village, and we are very much on a level playing field with regards to effort put in.

i appreciate that isn’t the dynamic of all families, but that’s mine.

I didn't even take two weeks off to recover from the stress and overwhelm of my own wedding so I'm baffled as to how you've expended so much energy on your sister's.

Selective reading, much? OP has clearly said that she hasn't taken leave since Xmas, she's been supporting her children through exams and her DH with a very sick mother, including doing some caring.

But even without any of that - OP has booked two weeks of leave in the summer, to spend with her kids and DH, which is a very normal thing to want to do whether you are knackered or not!

The Op IS providing childcare. She's provided plenty in the past and is providing it in the run up to the wedding. That shouldn't mean she cant take time off with her husband and kids!

And would your DH be equally delighted to spend his week’s AL doing all the things 8 yos like and you did years ago? And having a precious week’s AL used up adhering to child-friendly hours etc?

I dunno. I love my DNS but don’t now see childcare for younger children as a holiday activity per se!

i’ve said several times that it’s fine if she has said no and doesn’t want to.

I can’t imagine going on a lovely holiday and leaving my 8yo at home with aunty.

The topic of this thread is OP’s experience; not yours. OP has provided plenty of free childcare to her sister. Her sister has never provided OP with free childcare. OP’s sister now wants a claim on OP’s annual leave.

It’s great that your sister reciprocates—OP’s sister doesn’t. So we are advising her accordingly.

The OP hasn’t had any time off since Christmas - she doesn’t really need to justify why she wants two weeks annual leave.

I’ve been in this situation with my DGC it was a case of well we’re having a 10 day child free honeymoon, it’s booked, & you’ll all need to arrange how child care is going to work (cheers!)
I think you’re going to have to factor in that you’ll end up having to look after your neice, so be firm on negotiating how long & when - couple of nights/weekend, when it suits you, & keep repeating no a full week is not possible as we have plans/booked events etc. The PIL have gifted the 2 week break, it’s up to them to organise, not dictate

Which is fine. But your response was along the lines of ‘usually those shouting about a village are those that benefit the most’ or something along those lines. I was saying that is not the case with me.

also, ‘villages’ don’t begin and end with children. Let’s say 30 years from now the OP makes a post about how she now lives alone, children have moved away, she’s had an op and needs some assistance. Only person who can do it is her sister, but she won’t because she didn’t look after her kid for a week years ago. That would be pathetic. So saying OP didn’t receive help with childcare from her sister so why should she give her more help than she already does is such a silly argument.