AIBU to refuse looking after my sister's child during her honeymoon?

[NotHappyFamilies]

My sister is getting married in just over 2 weeks. I have helped her to organise her wedding and looked after her child when she has been to appointments and had wedding things to sort out. It’s a big wedding, she’s found it all quite stressful so I have done what I can to help.

I have booked 2 weeks off after her wedding because I feel like I need the rest after all the stress and I have leave to use. My husband and I are going away for 2 nights but we plan to chill out at home, get some things done around the house, go out for meals, have an evening at the theatre and just spend some time together.

My sister wasn’t planning on a honeymoon but her in-laws have just gifted them 2 weeks at their holiday home. Her partner was aware but it was a surprise to my sister until over the weekend when they told her.

We presumed they would take their child with them but yesterday they asked if we would have her when they’re away so they get a proper honeymoon. I must have looked horrified as my sister said maybe in-laws could have her for one week so could we just have her for one week.

I have said no as my husband and I also want to spend time together. My sisters child is 8 and although she is lovely, we’ll have to entertain her. Our children are older so don’t require looking after and we have had a stressful few months with GCSEs and the wedding prep. We just want to relax. My husband has also said absolutely no way.

My sisters in laws have contacted me to say that we can sort this between us and let my sister and new husband have a lovely honeymoon.

Are we being unreasonable?

So the parents in law offered their holiday home and told their son about it-all of them assuming the child would go as well. A family holiday-lovely.

Your sister just gets told about it (last minute surprise but no warning needed really as the three of them are going together) and decides she wants it to become a traditional honeymoon with no children and asks you to have her, you say no.

To my mind, that should be the end of the matter. You want your holiday-too bloody right.

Presumably your sister has gone bitching to her sister in laws who agree she should have a child free fortnight and whilst they are prepared to do a bit between them, they still expect you to do over a week-the bulk of it!

I’d be really pissed off! No, I wouldn’t do it on principle. I’d ring your sister’s partner if she and his sisters aren’t listening and explain this. They want something magical to happen, but you will be the one doing the bulk of the drudge.

Any updates?

There is a lot of mum shaming on here.

is it just honeymoons that people should have done before kids, or does extend to other things too?

if you think her sister is a CF’er for asking her to provide childcare then that’s one thing. But everything else reads a bit icky to me.

Let the inlaws look after the child for two weeks. Have to confess parents getting married and going 'on honeymoon' sounds a bit odd to me. What about the child's feelings in this..

Your sister should include her child in the honeymoon. It’s not like she is a blushing virgin getting to know her new husband. I feel sorry for the child being excluded.

Shattered is a synonym for tired, or knackered.

No need to be melodramatic about it.

I personally would do this for my sister.

So true!!

The thing is you know that the OP’s new in-laws have decided (among themselves), ‘oh OP’s sister will mind the little one’.
And then congratulated themselves for their lovely gift.

As a PP so pithily put it: they have been magnanimous with your time.

Would you do it to your DH and kids, who also have a claim on your time?

this, as I said upthread, its as though the child has become an inconvenience.

I don’t think that’s fair. ILs and their son have been happy with the idea that they were gifting a family holiday.

They are probably pretty pissed off themselves that their nice gift has turned into a childcare obligation and are trying to find a way to make this manageable (they should have said “lol, no, it’s for the three of you, dear!”)

I think the key issue here is that 2 weeks is far too young to leave an 8 year old. If you want to do a couple of days so you have time with your family that is perfectly reasonable. Stand firm and don’t let them bulldoze you into more otherwise you will feel resentful.

It was the groom’s job to organise this as part of the gift. There is no way I would do two weeks of childcare for anyone. I would probably offer 2 nights maximum. They don’t need to take the full two weeks, and if that’s what they want, then it’s on them to organise! So much entitlement.

This. If they only bought tickets for the adults, they were planning on taking on the responsibility for the nipper surely? As part of the gift? A package arrangement if you will?

No reason to think that a plane seat or ferry ticket hasn’t been bought for DNiece, given everyone involved in the surprise was expecting her to go.

It isn't mum-shaming to think having children changes logistics.

Lots of mums would love two weeks away from parenting (actually, I wouldn't really; I'd rather take ours with us tbh); but children are a reality and a responsibility.

Has anyone asked the 8yo opinon on the matter?

If your parents disappeared for 2 weeks on holiday and got left behind what would you think about them? Do 8yo's understand about honeymoons?

I think the groom has behaved well in this instance.

He assumed the dc was coming ( which is the right attitude imo).

It is the bride who, when given a free holiday, wanted to add the bells and whistles of free childcare.

Of course not, but if you have a child and you want a honeymoon, you are responsible for planning their childcare in advance and soliciting it from willing providers. If they want a childfree break - they should plan a long weekend with childcare offered and agreed well in advance.

So, yes, if you have a child together and defer getting married, then you sadly have to accept that you won’t be getting ‘couple’ time very often until they are grown. Like the rest of us who don’t have siblings we can foist our kids on.

Thanks for that

Honestly I'd say no too.
You have pre booked time off as you are tired from your own family life as well as helping with the wedding prep. You have plans already.
I'd just message back your SIL and say sorry you can't as you have things planned. It would be nice to give them time and if you had more notice you maybe could have helped but you can't.

I have a very push in law family and when it comes to saying no to my MIL in particular she doesn't like it. I've learn No is a full sentence in some situations.

I would echo an earlier poster's reply regarding responding saying that it's lovely that the sisters - in - law are doing that for them and reminding them that you provided the childcare in the run up to the wedding to enable the bride to attend appointments un-hindered alongside being an unofficial wedding planner/assistant for her which has taken a lot out of you on top of your full-time job.

I'm curious, did your sister stop at one child because she finds parenting hard work generally and didn't want to add any more children to her family as a result ?

The option hasn’t been there for her to plan childcare in advance, she just found out about the honeymoon, and those in the know assumed they’d go as a family.
she’s trying to organise it now.

if the OP doesn’t want to have her niece then that’s fine, but it’s not as if her sister booked the honeymoon a year ago, and is o my now scrambling around.

Good grief OP you have a lot on your plate! You should have mentioned this one earlier, you might have fended off the idiot posters saying you can’t possibly be tired.

YANBU, your sister is very cheeky to ask and is showing a complete lack of empathy for you. Enjoy your 2 weeks off. And remember the Mumsnet parlance - “No” is a complete sentence.

No - the offer was made anticipating she would take her child!!