AIBU to refuse looking after my sister's child during her honeymoon?

[NotHappyFamilies]

My sister is getting married in just over 2 weeks. I have helped her to organise her wedding and looked after her child when she has been to appointments and had wedding things to sort out. It’s a big wedding, she’s found it all quite stressful so I have done what I can to help.

I have booked 2 weeks off after her wedding because I feel like I need the rest after all the stress and I have leave to use. My husband and I are going away for 2 nights but we plan to chill out at home, get some things done around the house, go out for meals, have an evening at the theatre and just spend some time together.

My sister wasn’t planning on a honeymoon but her in-laws have just gifted them 2 weeks at their holiday home. Her partner was aware but it was a surprise to my sister until over the weekend when they told her.

We presumed they would take their child with them but yesterday they asked if we would have her when they’re away so they get a proper honeymoon. I must have looked horrified as my sister said maybe in-laws could have her for one week so could we just have her for one week.

I have said no as my husband and I also want to spend time together. My sisters child is 8 and although she is lovely, we’ll have to entertain her. Our children are older so don’t require looking after and we have had a stressful few months with GCSEs and the wedding prep. We just want to relax. My husband has also said absolutely no way.

My sisters in laws have contacted me to say that we can sort this between us and let my sister and new husband have a lovely honeymoon.

Are we being unreasonable?

@NotHappyFamilies I wouldn’t do it either. Your sister sounds selfish. Getting married after having children doesn’t mean you can stop being a mother for a “honeymoon.” I feel very sorry for your niece and I have a theory, the bigger the wedding, you’re more likely to divorce. This wedding needing to be “perfect” doesn’t bode well for married life.

How old are her other children?

@NotHappyFamilies as your inlaws have stated you can work something out between you then just reply and say

"that's fine. We can have her on a couple of days and maybe one over-night but I'm afraid we also have a lot of plans in place already for our time off so won't be able to accommodate any further."

This particular sibling has already given a lot of help. She has helped organise the wedding - an event that can be extremely stressful at the best of times and has happily looked after her niece on many occasions. In addition to this, she works full-time and has had a very stressful time as her own children have been taking important exams. She has not been given a free holiday but has taken two weeks from her annual leave in order to relax and reset herself in addition, presumably, to catching up on some necessary household affairs. Why is it only women who are expected to sacrifice themselves to the point of burnout - which is what could so easily happen if @NotHappyFamilies stretches herself even more? It is obvious that she loves this little girl but she has brought up two children of her own and, quite reasonably, does not want or need the extra pressure of looking after a younger child at a time when she was hoping to have a short break of her own. The in-laws seem to be very generous with offering a free honeymoon and also very generous with offering someone else's free time. They are the ones who need to be sorting out childcare. @NotHappyFamilies, I hope you enjoy the wedding but also your well-deserved break after the wedding. Please do not be made to feel guilty.

I reckon the in laws should look after her for one week and they should have her on hol for one week.

Unclear why a few posters are berating OP for not being family minded, when DSis is not being family minded by wanting to leave her child at home and expecting other family members to accommodate this despite their own work/caring commitments

OP, crack on with your two weeks of RnR.

You don’t need to justify not looking after your niece for two weeks so their mother can have a two week long honeymoon.

The in laws are in the wrong as they’ve given the couple their holiday home and have asked you to babysit. Two weeks is a big ask and they can’t commandeer your time for their gift.

Simply say you have stuff planned that won’t work with looking after your niece and think no more. Your sister can take her child away with them or leave her with the gift givers.

Essentially it's your holiday vs theirs.
A honeymoon was traditionally so the bride and groom could get to know each other and have wild, abandoned sex for the first time. In your sister's case that ship has already sailed, so why should her holiday trump yours?

Exactly.

I can’t imagine not helping my sister out to allow her and her dh a bit of a honeymoon. However 2 weeks is a huge privilege when you’ve got 2 kinds. If you want a long honeymoon you get married before you have kids.

I would offer 3 nights and then let them sort the rest with other family members.

Exactly this! Who goes away for a fortnight without their 8 year old just because it’s a “honeymoon”? This is an established family, the accommodation is suitable — they should not be leaning on others to palm her off for two weeks. They sound very selfish.

If you say yes now it will be the first of many.
Especially as the inlaws have a holiday home that they can gift out.

And to all those saying that the OP should compromise with the in-laws, what makes you think that the in-laws would stick to any deal made?
They obviously agree that the sister is correct in leaving the child and are happy for the OP to take the burden of care.

If they wanted a "proper" honeymoon, they should have done things in the "proper" order and waited until they were married before they had a child.

Jesus OP, I hope you say no. Don't even do a day. Your in laws can't basically offer up YOUR holiday to complete their gift, especially without any prior conversation.

Your sister shouldn't be so presumptuous with your time.

Do not even do a day. Do not. Let them figure it out themselves.

If I was your sister I'd be delighted with your kind offer of two days. They could have a mini-moon in a posh hotel before setting off for France as a family. I'd also not want to spend two weeks away from my child (and I'm not even the most maternal of mothers!) and I wouldn't want my child to miss out on a lovely holiday.

If she wanted a child free start to her marriage, the way to do it was to have the wedding before the baby but she chose different priorities. She's hardly a blushing bride who needs time to get to know her new husband.

Annual leave is precious and you need it!

I cannot see anything remotely funny in the situation. @NotHappyFamilies has played a big part in organising the wedding, including looking after her niece on many occasions, has teenagers who have taken important exams and works full-time. If you can't see why she might be stressed and in need of a break, I feel very sorry for you. Or are you @NotHappyFamilies's sister?

I'd probably do a few days - say a long weekend.
But I'd worry that the in laws would make some excuse, so I'd end up with the kid for longer than agreed.

Very, very cheeky of them all.

Fancy leaving a child for 2 weeks!
Your sister clearly has little interest in the poor kid.
I think you have the measure of your sister, BIL and his lot from all this.

OP I totally get you. I've just had Promzilla, GCSE's and a 16th birthday party and I am "shattered" and my dear mum with dementia, that's without helping with someone's wedding arrangements.

Are we demonizing Sis's In-laws here? Surely they would have come up with a solution to childcare had they expected the happy couple to be leaving their kid behind. They've offered the use of their holiday home in France, not bought an AI in the Maldives for 2.

My last point. Who leaves their little girl and says me and daddy are off on a lovely holiday but you're not coming. Bye. They've also sprung it on you at short notice.

You clearly are a close family, but there is a difference between helping out and being a doormat OP. Sometimes you have to think of you and your immediate family.

My conclusion, all things considered ....... Grade A Cheeky fuckers x

The childcare should have been sorted before anything was booked. You shouldn't be being guilty tripped into it at this stage. They should either go for 2 weeks with the child or a week on their own if the in-laws are happy doing a week's childcare.

When we become parents we have ro accept that there are some things that are simply selfish to do whilst our children are young - going away for two weeks child-free falls into that category!
Our 18-month old was with us on our tiny UK honeymoon (and even on our flipping wedding night because she wanted mummy and daddy!) 😆

I would say no too, my kids also just completed exams and want peace having an 8 year old around wouldn't thrill them either. Who is expected to mind the child if you were working, I know you said you have the time off but what if you had to go in ? Anyway you took that time off for you, not to babysit.

I don't understand the people on this thread who don't understand how someone with a full family life can be 'exhausted' after helping with a close family member's wedding. It's bonkers they are unable to imagine that, even if they've never been in that situation themselves.

I helped my sister, who I'm very close to, with her wedding and was done in afterwards. If she'd had children then and wanted me to look after them for 2 weeks I'd likely have checked myself into an institution.

Absolutely no way should you change your plans. You deserve a rest as much as anyone else. As others have said, if her SiLs think she should have a child-free break, they can organise childcare themselves.

Enjoy your time with your husband.

Exactly this OP.

Honestly why should your DH want the child on his holiday if her own mother doesn't? And it is just a holiday: the whole honeymoon thing doesn't work when you have parenting responsibilities.

Absolutely not! Not even for 2 days, because you just know once they 'get their foot in the door' they will ask you to extend it for another day, then another.... DON'T start off in the first place like that. Give them an inch....you know exactly that that is what will happen. Your husband doesn't sound have either.

Say to them, "absolutely not! That's the final word and it's non-negotiable, and i feel you have a cheek asking with you knowing what I have going on in my life. Since I helped organise the wedding and looked after her child so many times, it's time for you to step up to the plate. So good on you for offering to take her child. The sooner you tell her you will have her child, the better. I am sure she will be grateful that you are stepping up to the plate."

Yes, lots of the extended family are needing downtime. Bridezilla is taking up too much family resource here! Even her DH was minded to take the DD - which is the obvious solution. Why give the child the message that the marriage means exclusion from a family holiday?