AIBU to refuse looking after my sister's child during her honeymoon?

[NotHappyFamilies]

My sister is getting married in just over 2 weeks. I have helped her to organise her wedding and looked after her child when she has been to appointments and had wedding things to sort out. It’s a big wedding, she’s found it all quite stressful so I have done what I can to help.

I have booked 2 weeks off after her wedding because I feel like I need the rest after all the stress and I have leave to use. My husband and I are going away for 2 nights but we plan to chill out at home, get some things done around the house, go out for meals, have an evening at the theatre and just spend some time together.

My sister wasn’t planning on a honeymoon but her in-laws have just gifted them 2 weeks at their holiday home. Her partner was aware but it was a surprise to my sister until over the weekend when they told her.

We presumed they would take their child with them but yesterday they asked if we would have her when they’re away so they get a proper honeymoon. I must have looked horrified as my sister said maybe in-laws could have her for one week so could we just have her for one week.

I have said no as my husband and I also want to spend time together. My sisters child is 8 and although she is lovely, we’ll have to entertain her. Our children are older so don’t require looking after and we have had a stressful few months with GCSEs and the wedding prep. We just want to relax. My husband has also said absolutely no way.

My sisters in laws have contacted me to say that we can sort this between us and let my sister and new husband have a lovely honeymoon.

Are we being unreasonable?

Again, read all the OP’s posts - she has a lot more going on.

In any case, we all get 5 weeks or so of annual leave as downtime from work. Having someone volunteer us (and the rest of our family) for childcare duties whilst they go on holiday during one of those weeks is selfish, whatever else is happening in our lives.

who leaves their 8 year old for 2 weeks!

What a joyous wedding it’s going to be for the little girl whose parents are disappearing for 2 weeks afterwards. All the plans for the one big day and then nothing special afterwards for her.
I suspect in-laws and sis have lost sight of her in all this. They’ve put OP in a difficult position as all her help in the planning will be forgotten if she, quite rightly, now prioritises herself and her own family.
I would have a heart to heart with sis and try to encourage her to take her daughter on holiday.

She hasn’t taken any annual leave since Christmas. She has caring responsibilities for elderly relatives, teenage kids and a full time job.

Why shouldn’t she want a holiday of her own?

Why is her sisters holiday more important?

YANBU. If you took out the bit in your OP about being exhausted after someone else's wedding, you'd have got less stick. You work full time and have gone through GCSEs (good luck!) and want some down time with your husband. A couple with a child aren't having a honeymoon, they're having a holiday to celebrate their wedding and it seems odd that she wants to leave her daughter with someone else for 2 weeks. She's being a cf and needs to accept she's not some ingénue, blushing bride. Just say, can't do it, got plans.

If her partner was aware, why on earth didn’t he plan for the childcare? Presumably it’s his child @NotHappyFamilies? very poor on his part.
ETA .. sorry just saw he was expecting the child to go with them…

Why would he? he thought the child was going with them

As per the OP’s posts, her BIL was expecting to take their DD

I think they should have been doing some of the extra childcare pre wedding then, as it was all on you and now you’re exhausted. The groom is an idiot.

its kind of you to offer to do some of the two weeks and I appreciate your work constraints. You don’t seem to appreciate that I have been doing considerable time looking after x as support for dsis leading up to the wedding, and juggling my work around that with late nights and then also playing a big role in wedding prep, it’s been a huge load. I’m exhausted. I’m sorry it’s turned out like this, and I want dsis to have a wonderful honeymoon, but I don’t have anything left in the tank. To make this work I needed to have been asked much earlier so I could communicate the amount of babysitting and wedding prep I could fit in and also do a week after the wedding. A weeks childcare is a huge ask and I’m frustrated nobody thought about this earlier or perhaps assumed I can just take on whatever people want me to do.

Why is the groom an idiot what has he done wrong? he assumed the child was going with them?

would be good to hear what his issue is then?

The groom expected to take her and its her mother who doesnt want to. The in laws were not being presumptuous in expecting the OP to look after the child because they didnt think that would be the case. I suspect with their DiL not wanting to take her child they have been forced into trying to find a solution..
This is completely down to your sister.
She needs to take her child on the family holiday that has been gifted. She is extremely lucky to have been given that.
If she wants a "honeymoon" she can sort out two days away and ask someone to have her child then.
As someone else has said poor little girl.

I wouldn’t discuss with your sister to be honest. I would tell her not to worry you’ll talk to the in laws and then make it plain to them that you are fully committed for that fortnight and can’t help.

@99bottlesofkombucha that’s far too long an explanation as ILs or Sis will just push back on parts of it.

”I’ve booked leave to spend time with DH and DCs after their exams, and it is important to
our family” is fine.

This.

Her relationship with her DH and DCs may similarly never recover if she has her DNiece for a week when they were all expecting family downtime.

Brides dress, hen do organising and buying all the crap that entails, decorations (procuring, making then setting up) wedding favours, sorting out the venue (looking round them), catering.
Helping the bride in the lead up the week before, making sure the venue is ok, decorated if DIYing it. Making sure everything runs smoothly on the day.
On top of a full time job and caring responsibilities.
Currently helping a friend in similar circumstances, I am shattered.

Edited to add, it's the time consuming table decorations that are flooring me, though I am just doing an hour a night at the mo.

You have done more than enough already to support your sister.

The in-laws should the ones providing child care in this scenario.

Enjoy your holiday!

Absolutely not true. People have their own needs and they can still love and be close to other people. OP you sound like you also need a well earned break, as does your husband. Please protect your time - you sounds like you need it.

I think a compromise is what’s needed here. Your niece could spend a week with her grandparents and a week on holiday with her own parents! It’s perfectly possible for someone to fly back to pick her up.

Enjoy your time off op.

Really? The OP has a very full busy life and booked this time off for some rest and time with her husband.
Why should she change her plans just because someone else doesn’t want to change theirs and include their own daughter in a holiday?

OP, I'm with you, I love my nieces and nephews but if I’d have booked a week off and had some plans I wouldn’t change them for something so trivial as their own Mum not wanting to take them on holiday, an emergency, yes but this, no.

FFS. She is saying she is knackered. She has her own children and her own life and her own worries. She sounds like she also needs a two week holiday.

No one’s accused me of religion before!

I just wanted a decent honeymoon where I could relax so I did it before I planned a child and didn’t expect other people to watch my kid.

Given the wedding is in a fortnight and therefore the honeymoon is in the middle of the school holidays, I am surprised that the Bride won't take her child with her.

Yes, I don't want to sound judgy, but unless this is an extremely unusual 8-year-old they'll struggle IMO with being away from both parents for so long. And OP says this isn't the first time she has been left for 2 weeks either. A few days they can cope, but 2 weeks is another matter.

So even setting aside OP's tiredness and using up her annual leave to do childcare etc., I don't think the sister's approach is healthy and I wouldn't want to enable it.

Since when did other adult's children become your responsibility? Your hubby is right, it's a no.

And, it is very curious they would even choose not to take a three-year old with them? For a whole week? What is going on there? The child is not part of the nucleus family?
Edited: Sorry, just noticed, it's an eight-year old?