AIBU to refuse looking after my sister's child during her honeymoon?

[NotHappyFamilies]

My sister is getting married in just over 2 weeks. I have helped her to organise her wedding and looked after her child when she has been to appointments and had wedding things to sort out. It’s a big wedding, she’s found it all quite stressful so I have done what I can to help.

I have booked 2 weeks off after her wedding because I feel like I need the rest after all the stress and I have leave to use. My husband and I are going away for 2 nights but we plan to chill out at home, get some things done around the house, go out for meals, have an evening at the theatre and just spend some time together.

My sister wasn’t planning on a honeymoon but her in-laws have just gifted them 2 weeks at their holiday home. Her partner was aware but it was a surprise to my sister until over the weekend when they told her.

We presumed they would take their child with them but yesterday they asked if we would have her when they’re away so they get a proper honeymoon. I must have looked horrified as my sister said maybe in-laws could have her for one week so could we just have her for one week.

I have said no as my husband and I also want to spend time together. My sisters child is 8 and although she is lovely, we’ll have to entertain her. Our children are older so don’t require looking after and we have had a stressful few months with GCSEs and the wedding prep. We just want to relax. My husband has also said absolutely no way.

My sisters in laws have contacted me to say that we can sort this between us and let my sister and new husband have a lovely honeymoon.

Are we being unreasonable?

‘Gifting’ you own holiday home to your own adult child is hardly massive generosity. Surely they could use it whenever, strange people. They can also ‘gift’ childcare as it was their suggestion. I agree 2 weeks is a long time to leave a young child.

Cheeky fuckers all round.

Don’t do it Op, enjoy your down time.

Stick to your guns OP. Your sister seems quite happy to leave her daughter behind for holidays. It probably won't be the last time you are asked for a huge favour like this. Be careful with offering the weekend, it could turn into longer. Its not for you to take up your sister's slack.

Honeymoons come from a time when the couple will not have spent much time together before the wedding. I would say that after a minimum of 9 years together this couple should know each other pretty well. Also what a shame for their DD to miss a holiday to France. If they really feel they must have time alone, then a week is plenty long enough.

You don’t need to justify yourself OP, just say no, it sounds like you have done enough already and now people are starting to take advantage of you.

If you husband has said no way, I don't see how you can agree to have your niece for the entire holiday. It would ruin your holiday and isn't good for this little girl. However, I probably wouldn't be quite so black and white about it as some here as I would be mindful of the relationship with my niece and sister and would try to persuade him that maybe you could offer three nights maximum. With the other in laws that would give the couple a week which I think they should be grateful for.

I'm sorry you've been put in this situation though - it hasn't been thought through by your sister's in laws - they should really have included childcare in their offer. However, if your husband is adamant, you will have to tell your sister that you can't have the niece to stay. Your husband's wishes should really trump your sister's leisure time.

If you want a child free honeymoon marry before you have kids.

It sounds to me that you definitely need the break you have planned and you must take it and not be guilted into any compromise.
I am feeling sorry for your niece at having two weeks of her summer holiday break without her parents around though. Hopefully the well meaning in laws can have DN for a week and then she could join the honeymooners (!) in France.

I can understand your sister wanting a child free honeymoon and i dont think it unreasonable that she asked you to care for her child ,equally i don think it unreasonable for you to say im sorry but ive made plans to go away at that time or made plans ....
Perhaps you could consider a compromise by offering to do some days of child care during the 2 weeks and the SIL who seems very keen could do the rest?
I would say its unreasonable to plan a surprise honeymoon arranging child care in advance.....

I’m sorry but taking two weeks off after the wedding because you’ve been “stressed” has really tickled me

if you do agree to have DN for a few days, make it the last few days, or else you risk the others suddenly not being able to pick her up if you agree to the first couple.

But given everyone’s behaviour and that you’ve done years of free childcare so they could both work when your dn was preschool, I’d just say no and let the others step up or your sister take her child on holiday with them.

(I’ve assumed the groom is DNs dad but his family being off about the child being on the honeymoon and expecting it to be the brides side who does childcare would make more sense if his stepdad, you are still fine to say no!)

I’m glad my sister helped me out when I went on honeymoon.

Have you actually read the OP’s post ? Her children are older, teenagers. They don’t need childcare during school holidays. The OP doesn’t need to justify why she doesn’t want to mind her niece, she just doesn’t and that’s that.

It might be nice for her sister and her DP to bring their daughter on holiday with them, wouldn’t it ? Bet it’s what the OP and her DH always did.

If the OP hadn’t leave booked for these two weeks, what would have her sister done for childcare - what most other parents do - bring their children on holiday with them or stay home.

Then enjoy your 2 weeks off work 😍

Not RTFT, but I’m guessing that your niece is not the groom’s child, and he’s pushing for her not to go on the honeymoon.

Just read through more of your posts - it really sounds as if you need this holiday, I think you should say no and not feel guilty.

Nope. He expected the child to come on the honeymoon. It’s Dsis that wants to leave her behind.

Another person who can’t read - the OP is taking her annual leave, two weeks following the wedding because she felt that would be a good time. She’s feeling tired after helping her sister with wedding, the stress of just after having a child sit exams, caring for her MIL, etc. She’s made plans for these two weeks. Surely it’s as good time as any to take her holiday entitlement ?

Selfish of her sister to latch on to the fact that her sister is off work for these two weeks - if she hadn’t leave organised, she couldn’t have asked.

How many here would actually book precious leave so their sibling could go on holiday ??

Oh no, poor little girl.

So much wrong with this.

Someone’s forgotten they aren’t a blushing bride but a woman with a child.

And your sister wanting to be away from her daughter for a whole fortnight is very off.

The in-laws made this mess, they need to make the arrangements, not leave the bride to fix it. It’s half a gift. And not the hard work part.

I would offer to have niece for a week to give my sister a honeymoon. Honestly, this is a one-off & surely a week is enough time to recover from someone else’s wedding .

The reason why the groom didn't sort out childcare, is because he assumed that they'd be taking their daughter with them on honeymoon. Your sister is now the one, who's saying 'No, I want a child-free honeymoon'. Unfortunately, your sister can't just assume other people are willing to look after her daughter. Suddenly deciding she wants a 'proper honeymoon', isn't an option when she has a child, and asking people 2 weeks before the wedding to look after her daughter.

Technically, yes you could look after your niece for a week, and share care with your BIL's family but no one should have assumed you would! If your BIL's family can't look after your niece for 2 weeks, then your niece will have to go with them.

You aren't obliged to look after your niece and if you don't want to, then don't do it. My only concern would be, what damage by saying No, will it cause to your relationship with your sister?

This is what happens when people don’t read the full thread.

I don’t understand how it can be that tiring helping your sister with her wedding.

If you RTFT, or even just OP’s posts, you will see this isn’t the case.

Hi @NotHappyFamilies I've just read all your posts and you sound like such a kind and caring person. I get that the GCSE journey can be tense as you're maybe doing more for your kid than normal to support them and their tiredness, nerves and moods!!
You are also caring for an elderly relative and have had no leave from your FT job since Xmas. This is tiring in itself.
Helping someone organise something, doing it maybe their way, biting your tongue, being supportive and spending your limited down time on this - is also very very tiring.

You sound like you have a lovely husband and want downtime with him. You deserve this - well and truly!!!

In my mind you have no reason to justify, or apologise for your desire to have some time with your husband. I would offer the time you feel able to have your niece and do some fun things that you also like on those days.

say a calm NO to the rest.

IF there are any histrionics, just stay calm and say "I understand you're upset, if you want i can help brainstorm some other ideas that also work for your daughter - as I can't change my commitments further". Also you never have to see your sister's PIL again!

Good luck OP - i hope you get your break ans well deserved rest soon x

Dreadful business!!